(no subject)
I could not sleep last night. I was just a bundle of racing thoughts and nerves, and I actually managed to turn the light back on and write in my notebook.
2:30 am
So. I have an eating disorder. Diagnosed anorexia with purging. It's fairly common knowledge because I'm not ashamed of the fact that I have my own personal demon that I try to deal with every day. I ain't hiding shit. Even though it sucks being judged for it by people who don't know me, are not psychologists, and don't really have a grasp on what it actually means to have an eating disorder. Part of the reason why I'm fairly open about it is because I want people to understand it and be able to relate it to things that they are more familiar and comfortable with.
My eating disorder is no longer about losing weight. When I was younger, I would've sworn up and down that there were no underlying causes and that I just hated my body and wanted to be as thin as possible. Now, some of that still holds true, and I know for a fact that I do not see my body as it really is. But since I've relapsed after a year and a half of recovery, I can see that things are on an entirely different level.
It is so easy to say that my eating disorder is all about weight and food and body image. It takes infinitely more courage to step back and say, "Okay. I relapsed this time because I am scared to death that I am not good enough or smart enough to do well in school, so if I fall back into my eating disorder and get so sick I have to withdraw and go inpatient again... Well. I'd just rather have that than potentially fail most of my classes because of my own stupidity and ineptitude." Or to say, "Okay. I relapsed because despite constant efforts, I cannot get over my feelings toward my exgirlfriend. So if I get sick, I can leave my current relationship without hurting him and hopefully have her attention directed back at me." It's not all that conscious in the moment, but to be able to, in hindsight, look back and see that those are possible reasons for my increased symptom use is a HUGE step from where I was with my eating disorder two years ago. It's pathetic and sad and messed up and terrifying that there will be points in my life where I will be so unprepared for what life is throwing at me that I will in turn hurt myself, but it is my go-to, instant gratification coping mechanism. I did really well for that year and a half. I had slip ups, but I got back on my feet quicker and quicker every time. But these past couple of months life is just throwing me so much that I fell, hard, and it is keeping me pinned down. And when you're in that rocky pit, you need to use the fastest, easiest thing to bring you back up a little, and for a lot of us, unfortunately, those are negative coping mechanisms.
It's like. For people who isolate. It is infinitely easier to say, "I hate everybody and I would just rather be alone. Who needs friends anyway? Nobody's good enough," than it is to say, "I am so afraid of getting close to someone and then losing them. Or worse yet, I'm scared of putting myself out there and being judged or rejected." So you beat them to the punch and then put up your walls. You'll be safe, but you'll miss out on all the great people that are out there in the world and you'll miss out on the opportunity to learn to embrace everyone's true uniqueness.
Or if you turn to drugs/alcohol. Possibly the kings of instant gratification. It's easy to say that it's just for fun or that you just like to escape every once in a while. It's so much harder to see that you may be trying to escape from yourself, and that you hate being in your head so much that you NEED to alter your conscious state.
I'm not saying this is how it is for everyone. But I've isolated, and I've done drugs to escape, and I know that they were my coping skills for a much bigger picture than I would let on.
Everyone has their vice, and therefore no one really has the power to judge. I wasted so much time being overly judgemental of others when it was none of my business all along. I've made people -cry- with my judgements and I really wish I could've kept a live and let live attitude about things.
Not to get all hippy dippy.
Peace and love, man.
2:30 am
So. I have an eating disorder. Diagnosed anorexia with purging. It's fairly common knowledge because I'm not ashamed of the fact that I have my own personal demon that I try to deal with every day. I ain't hiding shit. Even though it sucks being judged for it by people who don't know me, are not psychologists, and don't really have a grasp on what it actually means to have an eating disorder. Part of the reason why I'm fairly open about it is because I want people to understand it and be able to relate it to things that they are more familiar and comfortable with.
My eating disorder is no longer about losing weight. When I was younger, I would've sworn up and down that there were no underlying causes and that I just hated my body and wanted to be as thin as possible. Now, some of that still holds true, and I know for a fact that I do not see my body as it really is. But since I've relapsed after a year and a half of recovery, I can see that things are on an entirely different level.
It is so easy to say that my eating disorder is all about weight and food and body image. It takes infinitely more courage to step back and say, "Okay. I relapsed this time because I am scared to death that I am not good enough or smart enough to do well in school, so if I fall back into my eating disorder and get so sick I have to withdraw and go inpatient again... Well. I'd just rather have that than potentially fail most of my classes because of my own stupidity and ineptitude." Or to say, "Okay. I relapsed because despite constant efforts, I cannot get over my feelings toward my exgirlfriend. So if I get sick, I can leave my current relationship without hurting him and hopefully have her attention directed back at me." It's not all that conscious in the moment, but to be able to, in hindsight, look back and see that those are possible reasons for my increased symptom use is a HUGE step from where I was with my eating disorder two years ago. It's pathetic and sad and messed up and terrifying that there will be points in my life where I will be so unprepared for what life is throwing at me that I will in turn hurt myself, but it is my go-to, instant gratification coping mechanism. I did really well for that year and a half. I had slip ups, but I got back on my feet quicker and quicker every time. But these past couple of months life is just throwing me so much that I fell, hard, and it is keeping me pinned down. And when you're in that rocky pit, you need to use the fastest, easiest thing to bring you back up a little, and for a lot of us, unfortunately, those are negative coping mechanisms.
It's like. For people who isolate. It is infinitely easier to say, "I hate everybody and I would just rather be alone. Who needs friends anyway? Nobody's good enough," than it is to say, "I am so afraid of getting close to someone and then losing them. Or worse yet, I'm scared of putting myself out there and being judged or rejected." So you beat them to the punch and then put up your walls. You'll be safe, but you'll miss out on all the great people that are out there in the world and you'll miss out on the opportunity to learn to embrace everyone's true uniqueness.
Or if you turn to drugs/alcohol. Possibly the kings of instant gratification. It's easy to say that it's just for fun or that you just like to escape every once in a while. It's so much harder to see that you may be trying to escape from yourself, and that you hate being in your head so much that you NEED to alter your conscious state.
I'm not saying this is how it is for everyone. But I've isolated, and I've done drugs to escape, and I know that they were my coping skills for a much bigger picture than I would let on.
Everyone has their vice, and therefore no one really has the power to judge. I wasted so much time being overly judgemental of others when it was none of my business all along. I've made people -cry- with my judgements and I really wish I could've kept a live and let live attitude about things.
Not to get all hippy dippy.
Peace and love, man.