(no subject)
I've spent the better part of the past two days decorating the covers of my journals with collages from magazine ads. And I can honestly say I've never been so happy about it. Like a blissful kind of creative happy. I like taking other peoples' creations, and being able to prove that something can still be beautiful, even if you look at it in a way that it wasn't intended for. Yeah, artist/writer.
Okay. Last night.
I get a phone call around 6:30, and it's Stevie (Stephanie... whatever. fuck it.) asking me to bring Andrew to dinner with her and Darren. I informed her for the first time that we'd broken up, but that I'd ask him anyway. Called him, no answer, so I just decided to go by myself, leaving him a message that he should call me back. Make it to the Greek place on Main Street, blah blah blah.. Y'know. Me kinda being the third wheel, but it wasn't that bad since Darren's a cool guy and Stevie has enough decency to not get all, "Oh man this is my boyfriend!!! LOLZ!!!!11!" She gives me her big sunglasses to keep ^.^ and my phone rings. It's Andrew, who already ate, but could be there in five minutes. He shows up, scene jokes are passed around, but he really did look amazing. We all head down to Coffee Labs, where we just kind of sit and talk. Normal "group of friends" sort of behavior. He spits his fucking gum out in my copy of Naked Lunch, and screaming ensued, despite his claim that I told him he could. All the while I'm just nothing but smiles, no matter what. Having a great time. Whatever.
We walked to the alley by the Y, there being heat do to the pool or something. So we talked. About a bunch of bullshit. Y'know, rollin' with the Joe Camel club (yeahhhh Lonna), talking about porn. Go back to Coffee Labs after what seems like hours, and listen to the band play. Tumble Weed Mile, something like that. Folksy, lots of Johnny Cash covers. Nothing I'm really into or that I even really recognized, but it was good. Set the coffee house sort of mood, except of course for the fucking ten year olds in the place. Came time for Stevie and Darren to go, but Andrew and I still had about a half an hour longer. The band finished, so half the place emptied, leaving seats along the window. We sat, made small talk, and it eventually turned into silence. Really awkward. I rested my head on my arms and stared out the window, like I usually do when I feel insignificant.
"You look like you're deep in thought."
All I could do was nod.
"What about?"
No response. I didn't know what to say.
"So. Did you get what you want in not having a relationship."
Pause. "No. That's the thing. I was so sure that this was what I wanted, and now that we're together... It doesn't make sense anymore."
More conversation. Mostly him talking about how what really got him was the whole "maybe" of what we are. Especially after I asked him what he wanted. One thing led to another, mostly because I don't remember the conversation, and I ended up with my head on the table, crying. He pulled my chair closer with his foot, asking what was wrong as he wrapped his arms around me. His head resting on mine. His lips kissing my cheek and forhead over and over again. "Why are you crying?"
"...because I love you. I can't stand the thought of anything else."
Shitty poet. Fucking lines and stanzas, contradictory bullshitmotherfucker...
The truth.
I picked my head up, wiped my tears away. Song on the radio.
"Let's stop fooling ourselves..."
"I don't want to rush you, but I'm afraid my feelings will be different by the time you make up your mind."
-end-
Okay. Last night.
I get a phone call around 6:30, and it's Stevie (Stephanie... whatever. fuck it.) asking me to bring Andrew to dinner with her and Darren. I informed her for the first time that we'd broken up, but that I'd ask him anyway. Called him, no answer, so I just decided to go by myself, leaving him a message that he should call me back. Make it to the Greek place on Main Street, blah blah blah.. Y'know. Me kinda being the third wheel, but it wasn't that bad since Darren's a cool guy and Stevie has enough decency to not get all, "Oh man this is my boyfriend!!! LOLZ!!!!11!" She gives me her big sunglasses to keep ^.^ and my phone rings. It's Andrew, who already ate, but could be there in five minutes. He shows up, scene jokes are passed around, but he really did look amazing. We all head down to Coffee Labs, where we just kind of sit and talk. Normal "group of friends" sort of behavior. He spits his fucking gum out in my copy of Naked Lunch, and screaming ensued, despite his claim that I told him he could. All the while I'm just nothing but smiles, no matter what. Having a great time. Whatever.
We walked to the alley by the Y, there being heat do to the pool or something. So we talked. About a bunch of bullshit. Y'know, rollin' with the Joe Camel club (yeahhhh Lonna), talking about porn. Go back to Coffee Labs after what seems like hours, and listen to the band play. Tumble Weed Mile, something like that. Folksy, lots of Johnny Cash covers. Nothing I'm really into or that I even really recognized, but it was good. Set the coffee house sort of mood, except of course for the fucking ten year olds in the place. Came time for Stevie and Darren to go, but Andrew and I still had about a half an hour longer. The band finished, so half the place emptied, leaving seats along the window. We sat, made small talk, and it eventually turned into silence. Really awkward. I rested my head on my arms and stared out the window, like I usually do when I feel insignificant.
"You look like you're deep in thought."
All I could do was nod.
"What about?"
No response. I didn't know what to say.
"So. Did you get what you want in not having a relationship."
Pause. "No. That's the thing. I was so sure that this was what I wanted, and now that we're together... It doesn't make sense anymore."
More conversation. Mostly him talking about how what really got him was the whole "maybe" of what we are. Especially after I asked him what he wanted. One thing led to another, mostly because I don't remember the conversation, and I ended up with my head on the table, crying. He pulled my chair closer with his foot, asking what was wrong as he wrapped his arms around me. His head resting on mine. His lips kissing my cheek and forhead over and over again. "Why are you crying?"
"...because I love you. I can't stand the thought of anything else."
Shitty poet. Fucking lines and stanzas, contradictory bullshitmotherfucker...
The truth.
I picked my head up, wiped my tears away. Song on the radio.
"Let's stop fooling ourselves..."
"I don't want to rush you, but I'm afraid my feelings will be different by the time you make up your mind."
-end-