Soul Crushing Sadness
Jesus Fucking Christ. I never knew that depression could be this painful. The past 3 years have been absolutely terrible. At some point in those 3 years I met another woman. Seems to be a recurring theme in my life. Anca. She was from Romania. She was funny, silly, and I thought she loved me. I really did. She honestly gave me a feeling like I had finally found someone that I could see forever with. I truly though she was the one. When I was with her I was the happiest I had ever been. I thought I was doing everything right. Told her about my addiction. Loved her. Pampered her as best I could. Cooked for her. Confided in her. Drove to New Jersey to see her. Did everything I thought was right. Then one day she just stopped talking to me. And ever since then I have dreamed every single day of my life about just giving up. Ive even made an attempt. But like most things I failed at it. But I am truly baffled at why she hates me so badly. I wasnt mean to her, I didnt cheat on her, I didnt lie to her. I truly have no idea why she thinks I am such a terrible person who caused her nothing but trauma. But I guess Im starting to believe maybe I did. Why else would someone who said she loved me as much as she did just crush me, torture me, and cause me more pain than ive ever known knowing not even talking to me causes those things in me. Either im a monster and need to accept it or she has problems and hasnt accepted it. Either way it ends with my best friend not being in my life. I dont want anything from her, but to know she doesnt hate me and will remember me in good memories, not in bad ones. SHe was so important to me and Losing her has been the worst thing Ive went through in my life. Not sure how much life I truly have left. This depression swallows me more and more everyday. The only solution I even see anymore isnt to continue trying. Maybe one day Ill get better. I can only hope. I can only hope.
So yea
l8r