1 year ago
So I found this on my Facebook. and as I read it, while I feel I have a bit more drive and direction alot of the feelings are exactly the same so I thought I would repost it on here. Somethings have changed slightly.
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For 19 and half years I've continued to cry and everytime i tell myself i have to do something to change it.
Everytime I end up curled up in my bed screaming to myself "This isnt my life, I dont fit into this!"
Kids and parents.... this isnt right.
Sisters.... Its so wrong.
Friends.... where are they.
I know im in the wrong alot, my anger is out of control, I know this. but all i can say is im so hurt and so angry that this is my life and that these are the people in my life that it has just built up and I cant deal anymore. I ethier scream or I cry alone. I just want to reach out to someone but every way ive ever tried I just get pushed back.
Ive come to the point where I really dont want anyone in my life, I push everyone away now.
I have nobody........
My mom, she trys so hard and I see that, Im alot like her, we give and give and only get told were screwed up because of it. we get walked on. I dont want to get to the point that she is at where she cant have a sane marraige or sane relationship with me kids. I just want to do everything I can to help the people around me and make them happy. My mom does that too, but its gotten her to a point where she can barely get off her feet. I want to be there for her but the seperation between where she is and where i am is getting smaller and its putting so much strain on our relationship.
My Dad... there isnt much to say there. Other than the fact that I want a dad so bad and he just doesnt seem to truely want his kids, he says he does.......
My sisters....... This is the big one, I feel sisters should fight but also be so close, more than friends..... I know they dont see them and dont agree but I honestly honestly have tried to so sooooo soooo sooooooooooo hard to have peaceful good relationships with them. anytime they need me ive tried to be there, everytime they hurt me i tell myself that I have to stop, im not going to be nice anymore, and everytime i hear them needing me i cant help but HELP. recently it has caught up and built up in me that im so hurt and angry because of it that i have started to stand up for myself, but not really, now all they see is this bitch that doesnt do anything for them they claim its how ive always been, and it kills me because I KNOW its not true. Im tired of they acting nice and getting me to do something for them and then seconds after its done they are nasty to me, it hurts soo much. I know I KNOW ive been nasty back nobody needs to say it but I know why, im just hurting and I cant take it anymore.
Friends/girls.........I wish........I dream of the day I have just one person I can count on. I dont care what youve done to me if your hurting i do my best to do anything i can for you. I cant count the hours Ive spent listening to peoples problems and the miles ive drove to be there for someone the stress ive felt for other peoples lives could bring down a mountian. There is only one person that has tried her best to be there for me, that has drove to me when she can and has helped me when i really needed her, she knows who she is. But her and i dont even have the relationship I wish I could have with a friend.
SHE----She was one person who told me no matter what the only way I was going to get her out of my life was if I kill her.... well she is still breathing and Im out of her life. All I ever did was try and care.
The one person I trust more than anyone in the world is someone that lives 300 miles away and can barely answer her phone anymore. The one person that has gone behind my back more than anyone ever has. but yet her and I still stand here, she is the only person that has stayed in my life and can still say she loves me.
I just try so hard, to care... simply that, I care so much, and sometimes the caring turns into hurt and pain and comes out as anger cause i just wish someone would care back. When im crying there is one other thing that comes to mind other than "this isnt my life" its that I just REALLY honestly wonder what and who would care if I was gone, gone by dying, or just leaving. Who HONESTLY would blink twice at it.
This isnt me.... not my life.....
I see having FRIENDS, having FAMILY, being in LOVE, doing someing I LOVE.
I know this is my life and its what I make of it but I didnt choose my family and people around me, and all of my experience and influneces has made me who I am today. And i just dont feel I fit into it. I look at my parents and sisters and i just dont see myself in it. I dont fit into this life and i believe that is also where some of my anger is coming from.
School isnt me.....
Im working at Jimmy Johns and as of now I cant see past that, and it scared me soo damn much. I struggled through high school and college didnt work, I want to have kids and a wife and I want to take care of them and im so scared I wont be able too. My biggest dream, the only reason Im alive, is I want kids I want a wife I want to take care of them, that is ALL I want, LOVE FAMILY. I want to love this hatred world, I want to help people, I want to care......
I want to care....... I want to love.........
and just maybe feel a little bit of it back.
I know I have to rely on myself and really I think I have had to to make it this far. But I have to be myself and what makes me truely happy is caring for other people. Truely and Honestly.
Im tired of hiding my fears and pain into celebrities and movies and another reality.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I realize most of you dont want to hear this stuff and some dont care. Im not looking for sympathy Im not trying to get attention, but ive been crying for 19 and hald years and everytime i tell myself i have to change it and as of now I have no clue what to do so this is my attempt at starting to go in the right path.
If youve made it this far then I thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For 19 and half years I've continued to cry and everytime i tell myself i have to do something to change it.
Everytime I end up curled up in my bed screaming to myself "This isnt my life, I dont fit into this!"
Kids and parents.... this isnt right.
Sisters.... Its so wrong.
Friends.... where are they.
I know im in the wrong alot, my anger is out of control, I know this. but all i can say is im so hurt and so angry that this is my life and that these are the people in my life that it has just built up and I cant deal anymore. I ethier scream or I cry alone. I just want to reach out to someone but every way ive ever tried I just get pushed back.
Ive come to the point where I really dont want anyone in my life, I push everyone away now.
I have nobody........
My mom, she trys so hard and I see that, Im alot like her, we give and give and only get told were screwed up because of it. we get walked on. I dont want to get to the point that she is at where she cant have a sane marraige or sane relationship with me kids. I just want to do everything I can to help the people around me and make them happy. My mom does that too, but its gotten her to a point where she can barely get off her feet. I want to be there for her but the seperation between where she is and where i am is getting smaller and its putting so much strain on our relationship.
My Dad... there isnt much to say there. Other than the fact that I want a dad so bad and he just doesnt seem to truely want his kids, he says he does.......
My sisters....... This is the big one, I feel sisters should fight but also be so close, more than friends..... I know they dont see them and dont agree but I honestly honestly have tried to so sooooo soooo sooooooooooo hard to have peaceful good relationships with them. anytime they need me ive tried to be there, everytime they hurt me i tell myself that I have to stop, im not going to be nice anymore, and everytime i hear them needing me i cant help but HELP. recently it has caught up and built up in me that im so hurt and angry because of it that i have started to stand up for myself, but not really, now all they see is this bitch that doesnt do anything for them they claim its how ive always been, and it kills me because I KNOW its not true. Im tired of they acting nice and getting me to do something for them and then seconds after its done they are nasty to me, it hurts soo much. I know I KNOW ive been nasty back nobody needs to say it but I know why, im just hurting and I cant take it anymore.
Friends/girls.........I wish........I dream of the day I have just one person I can count on. I dont care what youve done to me if your hurting i do my best to do anything i can for you. I cant count the hours Ive spent listening to peoples problems and the miles ive drove to be there for someone the stress ive felt for other peoples lives could bring down a mountian. There is only one person that has tried her best to be there for me, that has drove to me when she can and has helped me when i really needed her, she knows who she is. But her and i dont even have the relationship I wish I could have with a friend.
SHE----She was one person who told me no matter what the only way I was going to get her out of my life was if I kill her.... well she is still breathing and Im out of her life. All I ever did was try and care.
The one person I trust more than anyone in the world is someone that lives 300 miles away and can barely answer her phone anymore. The one person that has gone behind my back more than anyone ever has. but yet her and I still stand here, she is the only person that has stayed in my life and can still say she loves me.
I just try so hard, to care... simply that, I care so much, and sometimes the caring turns into hurt and pain and comes out as anger cause i just wish someone would care back. When im crying there is one other thing that comes to mind other than "this isnt my life" its that I just REALLY honestly wonder what and who would care if I was gone, gone by dying, or just leaving. Who HONESTLY would blink twice at it.
This isnt me.... not my life.....
I see having FRIENDS, having FAMILY, being in LOVE, doing someing I LOVE.
I know this is my life and its what I make of it but I didnt choose my family and people around me, and all of my experience and influneces has made me who I am today. And i just dont feel I fit into it. I look at my parents and sisters and i just dont see myself in it. I dont fit into this life and i believe that is also where some of my anger is coming from.
School isnt me.....
Im working at Jimmy Johns and as of now I cant see past that, and it scared me soo damn much. I struggled through high school and college didnt work, I want to have kids and a wife and I want to take care of them and im so scared I wont be able too. My biggest dream, the only reason Im alive, is I want kids I want a wife I want to take care of them, that is ALL I want, LOVE FAMILY. I want to love this hatred world, I want to help people, I want to care......
I want to care....... I want to love.........
and just maybe feel a little bit of it back.
I know I have to rely on myself and really I think I have had to to make it this far. But I have to be myself and what makes me truely happy is caring for other people. Truely and Honestly.
Im tired of hiding my fears and pain into celebrities and movies and another reality.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I realize most of you dont want to hear this stuff and some dont care. Im not looking for sympathy Im not trying to get attention, but ive been crying for 19 and hald years and everytime i tell myself i have to change it and as of now I have no clue what to do so this is my attempt at starting to go in the right path.
If youve made it this far then I thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring enough.