death is scarier then i thought
so i went to school today, with one intention and one intention only.
i was hanging off the outdoor staircase on the second story of the 400 building. got up there at 7:20....and dangled for hours. i just wanted the courage to fall. the courage to let go and let everything be alright. then i saw emmalee and she was like "what are you doing" i sucked in my tears and said "nothing" and crawled off.
then i went back. everytime i started to slip, i thought i didn't care. but i kept holding the bar, i couldn't let go. i wanted it to end. i couldn't. it was about 9:15 when the bell rang and i didn't want anyone to see me so i got down and cried. my body was in shock, i kept shaking. i went to my 4th period and just shook and cried the whole time. i can't handle this. why did this happen to me?
i thought of reasons why i could live, and it took me about a half hour to think of one thing.i should live becuz i give love to ppl. even though everyone hates me, and lies to my face pretending to like me, then goes around and talks shit. you know what? that fucking hurts but i still love you guys. becuz even though i make mistakes, i know that i have to love ppl so that they won't feel like i do.
so heres to you. the fucking reason i'm alive.
but you ruined my life.
i can't even bare to look at anyone.
i am completely mortifyed and humiliated.
i can't die immediately cuz i'm a fucking pussy.
but it will happen eventually.
it doesn't take that long to starve.
thanx for your temporary love.
and to matthew. you mean more then anything. you are the absolute greatest person i know. you are understanding and caring. you actually are the ONLY person that makes me feel loved. i can't even get that at home, so it means a lot to me. i love you.
i was hanging off the outdoor staircase on the second story of the 400 building. got up there at 7:20....and dangled for hours. i just wanted the courage to fall. the courage to let go and let everything be alright. then i saw emmalee and she was like "what are you doing" i sucked in my tears and said "nothing" and crawled off.
then i went back. everytime i started to slip, i thought i didn't care. but i kept holding the bar, i couldn't let go. i wanted it to end. i couldn't. it was about 9:15 when the bell rang and i didn't want anyone to see me so i got down and cried. my body was in shock, i kept shaking. i went to my 4th period and just shook and cried the whole time. i can't handle this. why did this happen to me?
i thought of reasons why i could live, and it took me about a half hour to think of one thing.i should live becuz i give love to ppl. even though everyone hates me, and lies to my face pretending to like me, then goes around and talks shit. you know what? that fucking hurts but i still love you guys. becuz even though i make mistakes, i know that i have to love ppl so that they won't feel like i do.
so heres to you. the fucking reason i'm alive.
but you ruined my life.
i can't even bare to look at anyone.
i am completely mortifyed and humiliated.
i can't die immediately cuz i'm a fucking pussy.
but it will happen eventually.
it doesn't take that long to starve.
thanx for your temporary love.
and to matthew. you mean more then anything. you are the absolute greatest person i know. you are understanding and caring. you actually are the ONLY person that makes me feel loved. i can't even get that at home, so it means a lot to me. i love you.