Uugghh, why?
I have been praying about this for three days now and don’t feel like I have gotten an answer yet but here are my feelings. I can put up with him lying, sneaking, and being stupid (ie.making bad choices-lol) when it only affects me; but when he dopes up and then comes to be with my kids it isn’t just me he is hurting anymore. I have known for a while that he was doing it over there but now that he has come home reeking of it and then goes to play with the kids it is the last straw. It is my job to protect my kids and do what is best for them. I just don’t know what that is. I made the decision before that it was better for Treyton to have no father than a loser (to say the least) for a father and still to this day have never doubted that I made the right choice. Now I feel so torn about making the same choice again (it doesn’t seem as easy as before, seems like everything is different when it is all really the same?) because God hates divorce, I love being the one to raise my kids rather than them being in daycare, I love that they have the ‘traditional’ family and have 2 role models (just wish both of them were positive), I love being married, I don’t want to give up on something that I have put so much work into and been through so much hurt for. I don’t understand him. He skips church to get high. He goes to get high before even seeing his kids when he gets home from work. He has an hour and a half with them before their bedtime and chooses to spend it getting high, on the computer and on the phone. How does someone’s priorities get so screwed up when it seems so obvious to me what should come first. I try to keep my priorities in order…God, Brian, the kids, family and friends, etc. Putting him before my kids is so hard but I do my best to think of him first even before them because that is what the bible says to do. His are Himself, Yamaha, the kids, friends, family…not sure where God or I fit in after that. I am not perfect but I try my best to do what the Lord commands. I pray for him every night, more than I pray for the kids even. I am exhausted, not from lack of sleep, but emotionally from trying to deal with him and his choices. My body hurts so badly, all the time, I am not sure how much longer it will hold out. I try to stay positive; I try to avoid confrontation; I try to make the Godly choice no matter how it affects me or hurts me. I would love to know what God is preparing me for with all of this because that scares me the most-what could be worse than this??