"Illyria--I'll get you to safety... Willow, or one of the others can find a way to heal you quickly."
Wesley knew the facts as well as I. Although I desperately wished to see my one friend again, there would be nothing she could do to assist me... nor any of the others. "It is mortal," I said simply, wondering at my own choice of words. I was mortal at last.
"It's done. The world is safe for now. We've done it. You've done it."
"I did nothing of the sort," I argued weakly, "although I wished it had been me to finish it. To finish... him." My eyes shut briefly, a small fluttering motion that I had never done before. "As it was... it was most satisfying to see you fight... and survive... since I had been so mistaken before."
I looked back up and realized my head was supported by him now, felt how this was exactly the manner in which Fred had left this reality. I coughed once more, this time feeling and tasting the blood upon my lips.
"How I wished to have truly seen this new world, Wesley... you must..." Words were harder for me to say and... it ached. Pain.
"... you must care for Spike... when I am gone." I hoped Wesley would understand why. Although my powers had been taken from me, although I could not hear the green, I had always believed Spike heard me... perhaps in more ways than one.
"I'm not leaving. Nothing on earth or anywhere else could make me go. You've done well, and are... one of the most special people I have ever known. I am proud to have helped teach you... and I thank you for what you've taught me..."
A smile crossed my blood-soaked lips, a true smile. My smile. At last.
My hand reached weakly up to his cheek and touched it, caressing the skin instead of the air about it as I normally would have done. "If I've taught you anything, Wesley, it is that your life is your own... not hers. Not any mortal's..." My hand dropped slowly as the ache grew in intensity. "I would hope that in the end when I am gone... that your eyes speak of life and not death any longer."
He had called me a person. My eyes fluttered once more, and this time the sensation of familiar tears spread across my face.
I nodded. I didn't want to lie to Illyria anymore, didn't want any more lies between us. Didn't want any lies at all anymore.
"It is. I'm sorry."
"I did nothing of the sort... although I wished it had been me to finish it. To finish... him."
Illyria's eyes began to close, and I shook her gently.
"Illyria?!"
When her eyes regained focus, I let out a breath that I hadn't known I was holding. Something stung my eyes and I wiped at them with the back of my hand.
"As it was... it was most satisfying to see you fight... and survive... since I had been so mistaken before."
And now the tables were turned. I could feel the life slipping from her, the brilliant, bright, violent and unique light that was all her own. The deja vu was a another weight that I could feel still pressing down around us both.
Illyria spoke again, and I could see the effort it cost her.
"How I wished to have truly seen this new world, Wesley... you must... you must care for Spike... when I am gone."
I nodded again. The life of this world, in all its myriad forms, had fascinated Illyria since she first arrived, its flora most of all, for some reason. Her bonsai, a life she had cared for and nurtured, was now in my keeping. I'd been bequeathed a plant, and I was proud of it.
"It will be my honor."
Illyria smiled, and I knew at once it was a spontaneous expression, not her typical imitation of muscle movement. She was, at these last moments, pleased with the life she'd led. How I envied her that peace; but I would not begrudge her it.
Her hand touched my face, another new gesture, and I covered it with my own hand.
"If I've taught you anything, Wesley, it is that your life is your own... not hers. Not any mortal's... I would hope that in the end when I am gone... that your eyes speak of life and not death any longer."
Tears formed in her eyes, and I felt both our bodies shiver as she began to slip further and faster, and as I felt her do so. Cradling her more, I whispered in her ear.
"Let me give you peace now as you did me. Tell me what you need."
He shook my form and my eyes opened once more. This frail body that could not contain my true essence could not even support me in battle. And so Fred would die twice.
Wesley would find the peace, the resolution he required once I was gone, and I...
I would be gone. Nothing save a memory, shadows and dust in the wind.
I looked at his face, at the one who had tried to murder me, tried to teach me, stripped me of my powers, and eventually... became the shell that I had been so hoping to escape. Yet now, his eyes shining down upon me with a sense of honor and hope within them?
I had been mistaken. Wesley was not a shell of what he once was; he had merely lost his way. Perhaps... perhaps I could take comfort in the fact that I had reminded him of it? No. No, it was not enough, and as I wiped the blood from my lips slowly, I knew what would be enough.
What I had actually been seeking, searching for, longing for all along.
And it had nothing to do with the rest of the human race and everything to do with...
Love.
"Let me give you peace now as you did me. Tell me what you need."
Our bodies close as his breath was warm upon my cold form, I pushed through the pain to say the words that I did not wish to say to him, but knew I must. If Wesley wanted to give me peace? To give me what I needed as I had to him with Vail?
Clarity filled me; a new understanding of mortals and the world I would be losing.
"Wesley..."
One hand was upon his shoulder lightly, then slipped from it to the ground...
Like a leaf caught on the surface of a wave, I could see as well as feel Illyria being pulled to and fro-- from aware and calm and lucid to very nearly gone-- before my eyes. As she came back, eyes shining with clarity, at least for the moment, Illyria seemed to come to a decision, find a bit of peace.
Illyria reached up, placing her hand lightly on my shoulder before she was unable to make it stay.
"Wesley... Lie to me."
No need to question, to clarify, or to wonder. I knew without a doubt what Illyria was asking, and why.
No more lying to myself. Illyria loved me. It was the truth, inescapable.
And I'd known for some time, if I were to be honest with myself. The signs were obvious now, the path she'd taken clear. Illyria, just as I'd endeavoured to bring about, had developed into a full and complete mortal personality. With that independence of thought came emotion, and with that, the capability to form emotional attachments. When she'd befriended Willow, I'd been proud and happy.
When I'd realized she'd fallen in love with me, I'd denied it and ignored it, neither of which I could do any longer.
Reaching up, I brushed a few errant locks of brown-blue hair away from Illyria's face.
Now, the question was how I felt in return. Illyria did not own my heart the way Fred had, but had managed to shape her own space within it.
Illyria was proof positive that I was capable of something good and true and positive, despite all the destruction and pain I'd caused in the past.
Illyria forced me to come to grips with that past, as well-- made me realize that I could no longer dwell there, hide there from the rest of the world. I could no longer use it as my excuse.
For all that, Illyria would always be a truly unique and indelible piece of myself.
Gently touching Illyria's face, I shook my head.
"I don't have to."
It was a different kind, a different way, but it was the truth.
"I love you," I whispered, before pressing a soft kiss against her lips.
It was a few moments before he spoke to me again, and his words were so quiet, the wind nearly drowned them out... or perhaps it was merely me, caught between worlds, clinging to what I would never have one last time.
I had died once long ago, been left behind in the Deeper Well, and now I was all that remained of it thanks to Cain... soon I would be gone, so perhaps he had won, in the end.
Clouds filled my vision as I once again pushed through the pain and held it, using it to keep me here for a moment longer, to look into the eyes that had hated me so once, yet now held something else within them.
A slight touch from Wesley's hand on my face gave me the warmth I needed to stay...
"Please, why can't I stay?"
... and I leaned into it, allowing him the moment as well. A shared one that perhaps I wanted more than he, but a shared one nonetheless.
"I don't have to."
My eyes shut as I began to let the body I inhabited go, to wither and die like the flower Willow had given to me once. Yet, he continued to speak...
"I love you."
The lips upon mine felt different than before when we had kissed, when it had been a lie to us both. I tried to sense the untruth in his words and found... none. My hand reached weakly up to his face again as I pressed my own lips back against his, wetness clinging to my face in streams that would not end.
I had found love. At last.
My lips moved ever so slightly from his, as I whispered back, "Thank you..."
I could die, leave this world I had sought to understand, since I now understood him. My mouth was dry, yet filling with blood again as I struggled to speak. "I... love... you..." I coughed in his arms as everything that was once a God left my form until there was only me left.
"Tell... Willow... that..."
My hand fell from his face suddenly, my head felt heavy, and darkness consumed all.
I tasted the salt tang of tears, felt the pressure against my lips that I knew was taking the very last of Illyria's physical strength to accomplish. And then, a moment later, it was gone as she moved away. Her lips trembled as she managed to breathe out a few more words.
"Thank you..."
"Again," I whispered, "thank you."
She coughed, a harsh convulsion that wracked her entire now frail and weakening body.
"I... love... you..."
"Shhhh..." I pulled her closer, my cheek against hers. "I know." I'd always known, I supposed, but had never been willing to admit it to myself, or to anyone else. But I knew. I accepted. And her love had helped set me free.
"Tell... Willow... that..."
And then she was gone.
A breeze shifted a few strands of her hair, fluttered across the tattered rips in both our clothes, a small, brief wind from nowhere that vanished as quickly as it had come. I needed no enhanced senses or magics to know that the light was gone, and all I held in my arms... was a shell.
"Goodbye, Illyria."
I blinked back hot, stinging tears. And at last-- goodbye, Fred, I thought, the last melancholy chains slipping from me.
Reaching up, I closed Illyria's eyes and slid one arm under her knees, and then the other around her shoulders. I stood, her body now so light it felt hollow, which, I supposed, it was.
I turned until I saw the forced-open door through which the other survivors were exiting. My shoes rasping against the debris-strewn concrete floor, I walked towards that light, my voice a murmur too low for anyone to hear.
"Lay her i' the earth: And from her fair and unpolluted flesh May violets spring..."
Wesley knew the facts as well as I. Although I desperately wished to see my one friend again, there would be nothing she could do to assist me... nor any of the others. "It is mortal," I said simply, wondering at my own choice of words. I was mortal at last.
"It's done. The world is safe for now. We've done it. You've done it."
"I did nothing of the sort," I argued weakly, "although I wished it had been me to finish it. To finish... him." My eyes shut briefly, a small fluttering motion that I had never done before. "As it was... it was most satisfying to see you fight... and survive... since I had been so mistaken before."
I looked back up and realized my head was supported by him now, felt how this was exactly the manner in which Fred had left this reality. I coughed once more, this time feeling and tasting the blood upon my lips.
"How I wished to have truly seen this new world, Wesley... you must..." Words were harder for me to say and... it ached. Pain.
"... you must care for Spike... when I am gone." I hoped Wesley would understand why. Although my powers had been taken from me, although I could not hear the green, I had always believed Spike heard me... perhaps in more ways than one.
"I'm not leaving. Nothing on earth or anywhere else could make me go. You've done well, and are... one of the most special people I have ever known. I am proud to have helped teach you... and I thank you for what you've taught me..."
A smile crossed my blood-soaked lips, a true smile. My smile. At last.
My hand reached weakly up to his cheek and touched it, caressing the skin instead of the air about it as I normally would have done. "If I've taught you anything, Wesley, it is that your life is your own... not hers. Not any mortal's..." My hand dropped slowly as the ache grew in intensity. "I would hope that in the end when I am gone... that your eyes speak of life and not death any longer."
He had called me a person. My eyes fluttered once more, and this time the sensation of familiar tears spread across my face.
Reply
I nodded. I didn't want to lie to Illyria anymore, didn't want any more lies between us. Didn't want any lies at all anymore.
"It is. I'm sorry."
"I did nothing of the sort... although I wished it had been me to finish it. To finish... him."
Illyria's eyes began to close, and I shook her gently.
"Illyria?!"
When her eyes regained focus, I let out a breath that I hadn't known I was holding. Something stung my eyes and I wiped at them with the back of my hand.
"As it was... it was most satisfying to see you fight... and survive... since I had been so mistaken before."
And now the tables were turned. I could feel the life slipping from her, the brilliant, bright, violent and unique light that was all her own. The deja vu was a another weight that I could feel still pressing down around us both.
Illyria spoke again, and I could see the effort it cost her.
"How I wished to have truly seen this new world, Wesley... you must... you must care for Spike... when I am gone."
I nodded again. The life of this world, in all its myriad forms, had fascinated Illyria since she first arrived, its flora most of all, for some reason. Her bonsai, a life she had cared for and nurtured, was now in my keeping. I'd been bequeathed a plant, and I was proud of it.
"It will be my honor."
Illyria smiled, and I knew at once it was a spontaneous expression, not her typical imitation of muscle movement. She was, at these last moments, pleased with the life she'd led. How I envied her that peace; but I would not begrudge her it.
Her hand touched my face, another new gesture, and I covered it with my own hand.
"If I've taught you anything, Wesley, it is that your life is your own... not hers. Not any mortal's... I would hope that in the end when I am gone... that your eyes speak of life and not death any longer."
Tears formed in her eyes, and I felt both our bodies shiver as she began to slip further and faster, and as I felt her do so. Cradling her more, I whispered in her ear.
"Let me give you peace now as you did me. Tell me what you need."
Reply
He shook my form and my eyes opened once more. This frail body that could not contain my true essence could not even support me in battle. And so Fred would die twice.
Wesley would find the peace, the resolution he required once I was gone, and I...
I would be gone. Nothing save a memory, shadows and dust in the wind.
I looked at his face, at the one who had tried to murder me, tried to teach me, stripped me of my powers, and eventually... became the shell that I had been so hoping to escape. Yet now, his eyes shining down upon me with a sense of honor and hope within them?
I had been mistaken. Wesley was not a shell of what he once was; he had merely lost his way. Perhaps... perhaps I could take comfort in the fact that I had reminded him of it? No. No, it was not enough, and as I wiped the blood from my lips slowly, I knew what would be enough.
What I had actually been seeking, searching for, longing for all along.
And it had nothing to do with the rest of the human race and everything to do with...
Love.
"Let me give you peace now as you did me. Tell me what you need."
Our bodies close as his breath was warm upon my cold form, I pushed through the pain to say the words that I did not wish to say to him, but knew I must. If Wesley wanted to give me peace? To give me what I needed as I had to him with Vail?
Clarity filled me; a new understanding of mortals and the world I would be losing.
"Wesley..."
One hand was upon his shoulder lightly, then slipped from it to the ground...
"Lie to me."
Reply
Illyria reached up, placing her hand lightly on my shoulder before she was unable to make it stay.
"Wesley... Lie to me."
No need to question, to clarify, or to wonder. I knew without a doubt what Illyria was asking, and why.
No more lying to myself. Illyria loved me. It was the truth, inescapable.
And I'd known for some time, if I were to be honest with myself. The signs were obvious now, the path she'd taken clear. Illyria, just as I'd endeavoured to bring about, had developed into a full and complete mortal personality. With that independence of thought came emotion, and with that, the capability to form emotional attachments. When she'd befriended Willow, I'd been proud and happy.
When I'd realized she'd fallen in love with me, I'd denied it and ignored it, neither of which I could do any longer.
Reaching up, I brushed a few errant locks of brown-blue hair away from Illyria's face.
Now, the question was how I felt in return. Illyria did not own my heart the way Fred had, but had managed to shape her own space within it.
Illyria was proof positive that I was capable of something good and true and positive, despite all the destruction and pain I'd caused in the past.
Illyria forced me to come to grips with that past, as well-- made me realize that I could no longer dwell there, hide there from the rest of the world. I could no longer use it as my excuse.
For all that, Illyria would always be a truly unique and indelible piece of myself.
Gently touching Illyria's face, I shook my head.
"I don't have to."
It was a different kind, a different way, but it was the truth.
"I love you," I whispered, before pressing a soft kiss against her lips.
Reply
I had died once long ago, been left behind in the Deeper Well, and now I was all that remained of it thanks to Cain... soon I would be gone, so perhaps he had won, in the end.
Clouds filled my vision as I once again pushed through the pain and held it, using it to keep me here for a moment longer, to look into the eyes that had hated me so once, yet now held something else within them.
A slight touch from Wesley's hand on my face gave me the warmth I needed to stay...
"Please, why can't I stay?"
... and I leaned into it, allowing him the moment as well. A shared one that perhaps I wanted more than he, but a shared one nonetheless.
"I don't have to."
My eyes shut as I began to let the body I inhabited go, to wither and die like the flower Willow had given to me once. Yet, he continued to speak...
"I love you."
The lips upon mine felt different than before when we had kissed, when it had been a lie to us both. I tried to sense the untruth in his words and found... none. My hand reached weakly up to his face again as I pressed my own lips back against his, wetness clinging to my face in streams that would not end.
I had found love. At last.
My lips moved ever so slightly from his, as I whispered back, "Thank you..."
I could die, leave this world I had sought to understand, since I now understood him. My mouth was dry, yet filling with blood again as I struggled to speak. "I... love... you..." I coughed in his arms as everything that was once a God left my form until there was only me left.
"Tell... Willow... that..."
My hand fell from his face suddenly, my head felt heavy, and darkness consumed all.
Reply
"Thank you..."
"Again," I whispered, "thank you."
She coughed, a harsh convulsion that wracked her entire now frail and weakening body.
"I... love... you..."
"Shhhh..." I pulled her closer, my cheek against hers. "I know." I'd always known, I supposed, but had never been willing to admit it to myself, or to anyone else. But I knew. I accepted. And her love had helped set me free.
"Tell... Willow... that..."
And then she was gone.
A breeze shifted a few strands of her hair, fluttered across the tattered rips in both our clothes, a small, brief wind from nowhere that vanished as quickly as it had come. I needed no enhanced senses or magics to know that the light was gone, and all I held in my arms... was a shell.
"Goodbye, Illyria."
I blinked back hot, stinging tears. And at last-- goodbye, Fred, I thought, the last melancholy chains slipping from me.
Reaching up, I closed Illyria's eyes and slid one arm under her knees, and then the other around her shoulders. I stood, her body now so light it felt hollow, which, I supposed, it was.
I turned until I saw the forced-open door through which the other survivors were exiting. My shoes rasping against the debris-strewn concrete floor, I walked towards that light, my voice a murmur too low for anyone to hear.
"Lay her i' the earth:
And from her fair and unpolluted flesh
May violets spring..."
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