changes
It is funny how things can change in a single heartbeat. One minute you are doing fine. You have a good sense of things, a good feel for what is going on in life. The next second your entire existance changes.
It is odd to look back and realize that not so long ago I had everything going for me. I had a career tattooing that allowed me to do my performance art and modeling while creating beauty in the world through tattooing.
It had purpose.
Now...well it is all so different. Glamorous outings and fancy dinners turned to scraping plates and being a humble hostess. I am not accustomed to serving others. I am not accustomed to watching everything I worked for fall by the wayside. It kills me to watch my friends come in and have the time of their lives and know that they are all doing so much better. I am so thankful to have a job but at what cost does this come to me? I just want to be able to be happy. I just want to perform. I want to create art. I want to feel like I make a permanent mark on society. Currently that is the last thing I am doing. I feel as if I have laid down to die. I had someone tell me the other day that they didn't realize I was a resturaunt worker and then laugh about how appropriate it is. Apparantly all failed artists end up in resturaunts.
I hope this is just a hiatus and that I will be back in the saddle agian and able to live the life that I chose to make for myself. I miss dressing up. I miss fancy parties. I miss being a spokesmodel and a go to girl. Now the only thing someone goes to me for is if their drinks need a refill. It takes every ounce of strength I have to be able to bite my tounge and smile and ask if they'd like anything else. If I ever had any doubt in my mind as to if I was a sub or a dom I know now. I'd rather shove glass shards under my skin than be a slave to society.
I just want to be able to tattoo again. I'd do anything to get to work in a tattoo shop again. I'd even sell one of my toes to get my foot back in that world. I feel so far away from everything I love. I feel so distant from single cell because of the hours I have to work at the resturaunt. I feel like it is all just ancient forgotten history. I know it can and will change but at the moment I feel lost in my own skin. I look back at old magazines and old flyers and I see my name on them and I can't believe that is what I was doing. I miss it so bad. I just can't fucking stand looking down at work and instead of seeing nice clean hands decorated with jewelry and perhaps a riding crop in tow I am covered in food debris and garbage. It makes ME feel like garbage.
The only good thing about all this is that ALL of the people I work with are simply the sweetest most wonderful awesome people ever. They treat me so great and they really love me there. They tell me every day how happy they are that I work with them and that they love having me around. Thank goodness for them. Andy, Jaime, Dae, Audrey, all of them I could go on for days. All of those people are so wonderful! They make it all ok. I really do have a great job. I guess I just got spoiled by my previous life.
I can't wait to get my life back.
It is odd to look back and realize that not so long ago I had everything going for me. I had a career tattooing that allowed me to do my performance art and modeling while creating beauty in the world through tattooing.
It had purpose.
Now...well it is all so different. Glamorous outings and fancy dinners turned to scraping plates and being a humble hostess. I am not accustomed to serving others. I am not accustomed to watching everything I worked for fall by the wayside. It kills me to watch my friends come in and have the time of their lives and know that they are all doing so much better. I am so thankful to have a job but at what cost does this come to me? I just want to be able to be happy. I just want to perform. I want to create art. I want to feel like I make a permanent mark on society. Currently that is the last thing I am doing. I feel as if I have laid down to die. I had someone tell me the other day that they didn't realize I was a resturaunt worker and then laugh about how appropriate it is. Apparantly all failed artists end up in resturaunts.
I hope this is just a hiatus and that I will be back in the saddle agian and able to live the life that I chose to make for myself. I miss dressing up. I miss fancy parties. I miss being a spokesmodel and a go to girl. Now the only thing someone goes to me for is if their drinks need a refill. It takes every ounce of strength I have to be able to bite my tounge and smile and ask if they'd like anything else. If I ever had any doubt in my mind as to if I was a sub or a dom I know now. I'd rather shove glass shards under my skin than be a slave to society.
I just want to be able to tattoo again. I'd do anything to get to work in a tattoo shop again. I'd even sell one of my toes to get my foot back in that world. I feel so far away from everything I love. I feel so distant from single cell because of the hours I have to work at the resturaunt. I feel like it is all just ancient forgotten history. I know it can and will change but at the moment I feel lost in my own skin. I look back at old magazines and old flyers and I see my name on them and I can't believe that is what I was doing. I miss it so bad. I just can't fucking stand looking down at work and instead of seeing nice clean hands decorated with jewelry and perhaps a riding crop in tow I am covered in food debris and garbage. It makes ME feel like garbage.
The only good thing about all this is that ALL of the people I work with are simply the sweetest most wonderful awesome people ever. They treat me so great and they really love me there. They tell me every day how happy they are that I work with them and that they love having me around. Thank goodness for them. Andy, Jaime, Dae, Audrey, all of them I could go on for days. All of those people are so wonderful! They make it all ok. I really do have a great job. I guess I just got spoiled by my previous life.
I can't wait to get my life back.