missing pieces
So far I am unhappy with the beginning of today. Nothing has happened yet I definitely have the feeling that today is going to be all sorts of sucktastic. Last night was interesting. I took the hem out of some pants. Went by Crown for no reason at all. I think I need some work done, just not sure what. I think it is tattoo time again. That requires money though. Hm maybe soon. After Crown I got a call from a guy I went to college with. We chit chatted about our mutual friends and caught up. Charlie and I stopped by Luigi’s Pizza and got a slice. Yummy! Then we went into Wall-Mart, the most dreadful place on the planet, and picked up a few things, walked through the Valentines Day isle and generally just looked around. All of the Valentines Day merchandise has given me the familiar feeling of dread that I get around every V-day. My most hated day of the year. I cannot recall ever having a good one to my knowledge. I think I will just treat myself. Perhaps that way I can be assured not to get any singing dancing hamsters or “yer a keeper” fish chocolate. Yes that was right, you can get them both at Wall-Mart. I might just buy myself a bunch of roses and have a nice rose petal bath or hang them up all over my apt. I don’t know. I did a lot of thinking yesterday about where I am and where I am going and my goals and stuff like that. I thought about my fears of replacement on stage. I came into this scene so simply; one day I wasn’t here then the next I was. Who is going to do that and take my place? When? How long do I have until I am just a has-been? I know I want children one day. When will I settle down? Everyone keeps telling me not to waste my youth…. how do I know I am not wasting it now? I considered the thought that shouldn’t my youth be spent in a way that matters? I don’t want to wait so long I am too old to do anything with my kids. At the same time I don’t want them now or anytime in the next four or five years. After that…yeah. I am looking into the future and it is looking bleak. I am in this dog eat dog business and honestly it scares me. I don’t know what I want right now but I want it to matter. I want it to affect someone I want to make a difference. I want to inspire and I want to be good at what I do. I am unsure how to go about all that but I will somehow. Perhaps 2006 will be the year to open my eyes and lead me to the door that will lead me to what I am looking for. I guess I will wait and see. There are so many people right now pulling at my arms and legs I feel stretched. Each one wants to give me their opinion and tell me how to go about doing things. Ultimately this is my decision. The thing is none of these people are there every moment. They don’t see the whole story; they see one side of my life. Normally that is the angry side. I don’t open up about anything that matters really until I am upset. I am the only one who really knows everything and as much as I try to explain it cant all come out. All of the opinions and suggestions I get have merit however they don’t fix the situation. All of them are solutions but it is a solution about as good as putting playdough to fill in missing puzzle pieces. Not right but it works. I personally would like to find the missing pieces. They are here somewhere. I spent the rest of my night cleaning up and doing trivial tidying. Finished off my night by falling asleep in the bathtub and crawling to bed. Well I guess I am off to go find those puzzle pieces.