*tear*
i am sitting here all alone and wondering to myself what it is i did so wrong to turn so many people against me. why it is the ones i love the most are the ones who usually hate me the most. I mean honestly i try to keep them happy i try to make them see how much i care, i try to do whats right and be a good friend. but no matter what i do i am always left out in the dark, kept out of their lives, hated by their deepest of emotions. I dont get it i really dont. i mean i am sitting here messaging kittie back and forth about how all year all i did was leave her out and be a horrible friend, hell i dont seem to think it was like that. I guess i am lucky to have ryan and alisha though, but there is one problem there, ryan is moving. ryan is what keeps me happy in my deepest of depressions, i could be on the verge of suicide and he can make me laugh, he can cheer me up no matter how depressed i am no matter what is goin on in my life at the time, but he's leaving. i keep blocking that part out, and i know it will really hit me either the last day i get to see him or after he's gone. just like it did with tim, i knew for weeks that tim was moving but it didnt sink in till the last day i was with him, and then i started crying. when ryan leaves its goin to be really hard on me, its goin to send me over the edge and i am goin to be pretty depressed probably, becaue ryan is practically my lifeline. what am i goin to do without hin? i'm gonna miss you ryan! Now i still have alisha, but i rarely get to see her due to the nature of her grandmother, and i dont know if i am going to go back to mariner next year, due to all the effing drama there, and all the pain that is inflicted on me there. what is really keeping me there at this point in time is alisha, she is my one true friend i will have left after ryan leaves and i dont think i can do without her, she is such an awsome friend, she really is. she is so selfless and puts up with my mood swings, lol! i love ya girl! and then there is jessica BUT she is all the way in TENNESSEE so that dont help and jordyn (my lover lol inside joke there) but he's all the way in the middle of gawd knows where, plus he can be mean to me when i am depressed lol. hmm i guess thats about all i have to say right now. maybe more later.
i love ya guys, and if you're readin my journal leave me a comment!!