Feeling and shutting down
A lot has happened since June. It's all been a roller coaster and a mindfuck. It's been good and it's been heartbreaking.
Life's been okay. I've been working a lot and working out a lot. I've set a routine that 3 days a week I will do the 10 miles around the lake. It's helped me feel better in every way. I picked up a evening job at a wine store (like David Berkely's that I worked for in Sac) for a moment and that didn't last too long with some sheistyness going down. I enrolled back into college to knock out some pre-req for Grad school. Jourdan actually motivated me to enroll.
In June I went to DJ again in Denver at Ascension - the Witchhouse club- and at The Church. Carrissa and Jan were in Denver visiting for a week from Sweden, which is the main reason I went out. I only get to see them once a year and I will go to wherever they are because they are worth it. I love them both very much. My good friend Daniel from New Mexico also came out to see and DJ with me which was so great. It was also the Cherry Blossom Festival weekend which is THE best time to go to Denver. That was a great weekend- as always! =^.^=
Things picked up with Jourdan and I. We've been friends for almost 4yrs now and he's one of my closest friends. When he had to work nights with his job (he's an Industrial journeyman) he would call me at 4am as I was waking up and he was going home so we could talk for a little bit. He would- still does- call me every night. I adore Jourdan and have since the moment we met. I've always been attracted to him but the distance of him being in Utah kept everything at bay. At least we had our strong communication. The strength of our communication....everything about him infuses light, motivation, positivity, happiness into my life. He makes me feel alive and with a purpose. I can't say that of any other guy.
I went out to Utah to see him last weekend and to go the Dark Arts festival. I stayed almost a week and it was an amazing week. We know now that we connect on every single level. I couldn't fall harder for someone with that. Emotionally I started to unravel inside and feel again. It was such a mindblowing week being able to stay with him, have him by my side, holding my hand, holding me and see his eyes beam as he introduced me to all his friends. I haven't had this kind of attention since....Justin. Kinda. We went mountain hiking in the morning, went for driving in the canyon with their Fall colored trees, explored the nature side of his area. He literally has the mountain as his back yard. One of my favorite moments was when we hiking up on up the mountain ridges to the very top, seeing the entire city spread out, the cool breeze and just having us there wrapped in each others arms. That was litterally like we were on top of the world, in Heaven and in complete peace and unity. Things were great up until the last night. We were at this hill point that overlooks the city. It's such an amazing breathtaking view at night. It's so dark and so quiet and to see all the lights below made you feel like you were almost immortal. So we were making out and he accidentally calls me his ex's name - Vanessa. That made things really awkward but I didn't stress that it ruined everything. He was horrified and I knew it. He's only been single for 9months but his relationship was to his high school sweetheart. They have been off and on for years. The last time they got together was for a few months. You would think that being off and on all the time and him saying he was glad it was over, that the attachments would be gone. But that's not how it works. It took 4 years for me to finally detach emotionally from Justin. Jourdan is going through that. At the airport he walked me in and we talked for awhile. He started crying and I didn't know till today that it was me that made him cry. I asked him what we were, what this was since we crossed over to a new level. I flat out asked him if this was a rebound. I needed to know because I've been in that spot and it sucks. With my emotions starting to arise, I knew that I was going to in a world of confusion and I needed answers and clarification before I left. I didn't want to leave with uncertainties and let it eat me up at home alone. It was when I asked that he started crying. I made him feel like shit asking that and he said he was crying because that's not what he does, who he is and he cares about me way more than that to even do that to me. Since I've been home it's been ripping me apart over how I might have lost him and I don't want to lose anything we had.
We had a long talk today. Once again I am in the friend zone. I told him that I respect his desires and that he still needs to be single for a while so he can get over his past relationship. I told him that I will always be there for him and be supportive. He told me he didn't feel he could live up to my standards and expectations. His insecurity creates such obstacles. In my eyes, he is what I want. He has his career, he has his shit together, finances together. He is adventurous, motivated, musically talented and passionate. He is extremely kind, loving, incredibly intelligent. He fits everything I want but he won't believe me. He has brought so much light, happiness and motivation into my life and to feel that that has diminished is breaking my heart. For the longest time he was making future plans for us. He gave me such hope for the future and a better life. He would talk about me moving there, us moving to Seattle, going to Germany.....but now that I have messed things up, it's all gone. I posted on FB last night that I missed someone so much it was bringing tears to my eyes. He say it and that's when we began having this deeper discussion. His tone has changed and there is no more talk of "us". I should have kept my mouth shut. Anytime I say anything emotional affectionate to a guy, it runs them away. I do not understand anything anymore when it comes to people. I was talking to Trish about how fucked up our generation is. We are all single, friendzoning is constant, no one knows how to communicate and yet we all want someone...but no one is willing to work for it. I finally have reached a point in my life where I am comfortable being single. Yes, there are moments it hurts but I have to look at the pros. I get to do whatever I want, when I want, go wherever I want, do what I want. I don't have to worry about anyone or having to cater to them or revolve my schedule around them. I like my time and my sleep time. I have time to get projects done instead of being distracted. I would love to be with someone but I am incredibly picky as I should be. I will not settle for less. I was actually looking to move to Utah (which is SUCH a beautiful state. I had NO idea.) to be closer to Jourdan and try and work on things. That won't happen anymore. I know that I do want to move soon though. I am getting tired of Oklahoma. I am lonely here and bored as everyone is now locked up in their relationships. Part of my boredom is that I was raised moving about every 5 years of my life. I will be in Oklahoma 5 years in January. I'm getting restless here and part of me feels like I am about to self destruct my life from my pain. My obstacle is finding out where the next home is. CA and CO are off limits due to their insane costs of living. I just want to go somewhere that I feel alive and have a purpose.
It seems like I will be single and friend zoned for forever. I can't believe this is happening again. This rejection creates such deep wounds. I have found 2 gems- He and Matt- and both are pushing me away. I am try to keep my stand and not chase, but I have a habit of pushing sometimes. I want to know what is wrong with me though that I keep getting rejected. My heart just gets harder and harder and I get more and more numb even though below those numb layers I feel like screaming from all the pain being locked away. My life is not becoming at all how I wanted it to. All these dreams I've had, all shattered. I watch everyone around me...I watch Joseph and his wife....all the younger cousins...they get the life I always wanted. It get's harder as you hit your mid 30's. You feel you're missing out on sharing the best years of your life with someone. You're getting older and physically and energy wise are not becoming the best states. 30's are definitely the best years but they have also been the loneliest.
I know that we make our own happiness but how happy can you really be when there's no one to share it with. All these dreams I have that I have to accept as only that.
I hope with all my heart and soul, that somehow things with us will be possible. I am so patient even though it kills me. It's going to be me working on this. I don't know how. I'm glad school is starting in a few weeks. This will give me something to focus on instead of my emotions.
So here are photos from the Denver gig....Dark Arts (I made my outfits)...Jourdan and I...and Utah. <3
Out in the countryside of Denver and Club Acension.
.
Utah, Jourdan and my dresses. (The Dark Arts Festival was Victorian themed).
Life's been okay. I've been working a lot and working out a lot. I've set a routine that 3 days a week I will do the 10 miles around the lake. It's helped me feel better in every way. I picked up a evening job at a wine store (like David Berkely's that I worked for in Sac) for a moment and that didn't last too long with some sheistyness going down. I enrolled back into college to knock out some pre-req for Grad school. Jourdan actually motivated me to enroll.
In June I went to DJ again in Denver at Ascension - the Witchhouse club- and at The Church. Carrissa and Jan were in Denver visiting for a week from Sweden, which is the main reason I went out. I only get to see them once a year and I will go to wherever they are because they are worth it. I love them both very much. My good friend Daniel from New Mexico also came out to see and DJ with me which was so great. It was also the Cherry Blossom Festival weekend which is THE best time to go to Denver. That was a great weekend- as always! =^.^=
Things picked up with Jourdan and I. We've been friends for almost 4yrs now and he's one of my closest friends. When he had to work nights with his job (he's an Industrial journeyman) he would call me at 4am as I was waking up and he was going home so we could talk for a little bit. He would- still does- call me every night. I adore Jourdan and have since the moment we met. I've always been attracted to him but the distance of him being in Utah kept everything at bay. At least we had our strong communication. The strength of our communication....everything about him infuses light, motivation, positivity, happiness into my life. He makes me feel alive and with a purpose. I can't say that of any other guy.
I went out to Utah to see him last weekend and to go the Dark Arts festival. I stayed almost a week and it was an amazing week. We know now that we connect on every single level. I couldn't fall harder for someone with that. Emotionally I started to unravel inside and feel again. It was such a mindblowing week being able to stay with him, have him by my side, holding my hand, holding me and see his eyes beam as he introduced me to all his friends. I haven't had this kind of attention since....Justin. Kinda. We went mountain hiking in the morning, went for driving in the canyon with their Fall colored trees, explored the nature side of his area. He literally has the mountain as his back yard. One of my favorite moments was when we hiking up on up the mountain ridges to the very top, seeing the entire city spread out, the cool breeze and just having us there wrapped in each others arms. That was litterally like we were on top of the world, in Heaven and in complete peace and unity. Things were great up until the last night. We were at this hill point that overlooks the city. It's such an amazing breathtaking view at night. It's so dark and so quiet and to see all the lights below made you feel like you were almost immortal. So we were making out and he accidentally calls me his ex's name - Vanessa. That made things really awkward but I didn't stress that it ruined everything. He was horrified and I knew it. He's only been single for 9months but his relationship was to his high school sweetheart. They have been off and on for years. The last time they got together was for a few months. You would think that being off and on all the time and him saying he was glad it was over, that the attachments would be gone. But that's not how it works. It took 4 years for me to finally detach emotionally from Justin. Jourdan is going through that. At the airport he walked me in and we talked for awhile. He started crying and I didn't know till today that it was me that made him cry. I asked him what we were, what this was since we crossed over to a new level. I flat out asked him if this was a rebound. I needed to know because I've been in that spot and it sucks. With my emotions starting to arise, I knew that I was going to in a world of confusion and I needed answers and clarification before I left. I didn't want to leave with uncertainties and let it eat me up at home alone. It was when I asked that he started crying. I made him feel like shit asking that and he said he was crying because that's not what he does, who he is and he cares about me way more than that to even do that to me. Since I've been home it's been ripping me apart over how I might have lost him and I don't want to lose anything we had.
We had a long talk today. Once again I am in the friend zone. I told him that I respect his desires and that he still needs to be single for a while so he can get over his past relationship. I told him that I will always be there for him and be supportive. He told me he didn't feel he could live up to my standards and expectations. His insecurity creates such obstacles. In my eyes, he is what I want. He has his career, he has his shit together, finances together. He is adventurous, motivated, musically talented and passionate. He is extremely kind, loving, incredibly intelligent. He fits everything I want but he won't believe me. He has brought so much light, happiness and motivation into my life and to feel that that has diminished is breaking my heart. For the longest time he was making future plans for us. He gave me such hope for the future and a better life. He would talk about me moving there, us moving to Seattle, going to Germany.....but now that I have messed things up, it's all gone. I posted on FB last night that I missed someone so much it was bringing tears to my eyes. He say it and that's when we began having this deeper discussion. His tone has changed and there is no more talk of "us". I should have kept my mouth shut. Anytime I say anything emotional affectionate to a guy, it runs them away. I do not understand anything anymore when it comes to people. I was talking to Trish about how fucked up our generation is. We are all single, friendzoning is constant, no one knows how to communicate and yet we all want someone...but no one is willing to work for it. I finally have reached a point in my life where I am comfortable being single. Yes, there are moments it hurts but I have to look at the pros. I get to do whatever I want, when I want, go wherever I want, do what I want. I don't have to worry about anyone or having to cater to them or revolve my schedule around them. I like my time and my sleep time. I have time to get projects done instead of being distracted. I would love to be with someone but I am incredibly picky as I should be. I will not settle for less. I was actually looking to move to Utah (which is SUCH a beautiful state. I had NO idea.) to be closer to Jourdan and try and work on things. That won't happen anymore. I know that I do want to move soon though. I am getting tired of Oklahoma. I am lonely here and bored as everyone is now locked up in their relationships. Part of my boredom is that I was raised moving about every 5 years of my life. I will be in Oklahoma 5 years in January. I'm getting restless here and part of me feels like I am about to self destruct my life from my pain. My obstacle is finding out where the next home is. CA and CO are off limits due to their insane costs of living. I just want to go somewhere that I feel alive and have a purpose.
It seems like I will be single and friend zoned for forever. I can't believe this is happening again. This rejection creates such deep wounds. I have found 2 gems- He and Matt- and both are pushing me away. I am try to keep my stand and not chase, but I have a habit of pushing sometimes. I want to know what is wrong with me though that I keep getting rejected. My heart just gets harder and harder and I get more and more numb even though below those numb layers I feel like screaming from all the pain being locked away. My life is not becoming at all how I wanted it to. All these dreams I've had, all shattered. I watch everyone around me...I watch Joseph and his wife....all the younger cousins...they get the life I always wanted. It get's harder as you hit your mid 30's. You feel you're missing out on sharing the best years of your life with someone. You're getting older and physically and energy wise are not becoming the best states. 30's are definitely the best years but they have also been the loneliest.
I know that we make our own happiness but how happy can you really be when there's no one to share it with. All these dreams I have that I have to accept as only that.
I hope with all my heart and soul, that somehow things with us will be possible. I am so patient even though it kills me. It's going to be me working on this. I don't know how. I'm glad school is starting in a few weeks. This will give me something to focus on instead of my emotions.
So here are photos from the Denver gig....Dark Arts (I made my outfits)...Jourdan and I...and Utah. <3
Out in the countryside of Denver and Club Acension.
.
Utah, Jourdan and my dresses. (The Dark Arts Festival was Victorian themed).