The Loves, the Losses, and the Lessons of my 21st year of life...
So midnight hit and it was allllmost like a cold punch in the mouth...
My mind immediatly started to review and process the past year of my life...trying to break it down in sequence and file it...
Kind of freaked me out how...objectively I saw it...like I really just watched it pass before my eyes like some scary ass movie...
So I decided to share some of it...broken into little bits...like my brain broke it into files...I'll give you the SUPER short Cliff's notes version of all my...ahem...once more...Loves, Losses, and Lessons of the 21st year in the life of Brandon motherfuckin Simpson...
*A year can stretch into an unfathomable eternity...stretching beyond all forseeable time...and yet in reflection can fly by in micro seconds...slipping like sand through stretched fingertips...
*Friends will bend and bend for you, time and time again...through the best and the worst of it all...and eventually...some will just reach their fill and move on to other places with their lives. Some people are meant to be there for a time, helping you grow and learn and become more whole...sometimes these people become...part of who you are...sometimes these people fail you and slip away...sometimes...you fail these people and you, yourself run into hiding...
*Memories will never fade...the ones really worth it...the ones that seem burned into not only your mind, but your heart and soul as well...also adding pieces to the puzzle that creates your whole...memories cost nothing...and can save you in your darkest hour...hold the good times dearly to your heart, because though you may lose those whom dwell in these memories...their love and good nature can forever be implanted in you...let them teach you...
*The bad times too...let the bad times teach you...because the scars are VERY real and even if they're only in your mind, YOU can still see them...the dark times make you more real...harder...more solid...they rip you apart and you have to have the will power and strength to pull yourself back together...
*I've lost much in the past year...and I bow to the fact that yes, most of it was my fault.
*I've lost friends who take up so much space in my mind in my memories that it seems like I've know them as long as I've lived...they were my blood...my soul...but I turned from them as much as I feel they turned from me...I walked away...It broke me in strange places inside as soon as I walked back into the house...and I cried...but this new brand of cold stole over me and I froze up again..
*This new brand of cold...this new Numb that has stolen over my heart and soul and sedated my mind into blissfull malice and darkness. I have...lost the will to care and push forth. I like where I am...I like who Im with...yes Im getting a job, but only so I can stay close to who Im with now and party my barin away...Well not for real but being numb is beautiful bliss and it cools me. Ridicule me, whatever...haha...like I said, i don't care. It's strange...kind of scary...to not care...not be affected by much anymore...to so easily push something out of you and stomp on it...destroy it and it will vanish...then it's done...that's how I deal now...it's what feels ok and right...and I care not for moral backlash or whatever...I just...will do as I do and be content...I dont want grand...I want content...
*I had the grandest love of my life flow in like a warm, sunny, life giving breeze...and then rush out again like a black and frigid hurricane...and before I break this one down...know that trully...I miss him like the earth misses the stars during the day...lol...that only made sense to me...I may always love him...Ive already dealt with that and come to peace with it...I may always love him...but I could not love him again...I couldn't have that done to me again...I would surely break beyond repair.
But I loved him dearly...he was my breath and my pulse...my heart and my soul...my night and day...my fucking everything...there was nothing else in the world that was as great and grand to me as he was...He consumed me...I joyfully allowed it...he was so beautiful...everything about him made me want him more and more each day and I wanted only to please and love him...and then...something started to crack...something slowly tore between us and the relationship slipped into decay...we grew...distant and slightly bitter with one another...many days spent tense and dark together...I sought happiness like I was terribely thirsty for it and kept running into brick walls...I freaked out...I lost myself...I grew dark and cold beyond anything before...and it added fuel to the flame consuming whatever happiness we had left...We grew distant in phyiscal natures as well, living in different places...and losing all real loving contact with each other when we WERE together...My mind finally slipped into the darkest part of the well and was covered with dirt and bricks and sand and mud...I become...hollow and empty...I felt so very cold and alone even when surrounded by people...I felt...like there was nothing left I could do to make it work...make it right...make it ok...I ran...And broke the last string holding my emotions in place...they vanished...all that was left was malice...hate...loathing...the need for pain...yours or others, it didn't matter...The geatest love I had ever known...the man who filled my dreams and brought so much of my heart together and really tought me what love...what REAL HONEST TO THE GODDESS LOVE...he tought me what love is...he was gone...I lost the will to...exist
*THe drugs came in full swing again. And this is all I say to this...I know...I FUCKING KNOW...the drugs don't fix anything...I have not solved a thing by filling my gaps and numbing my darkness with drugs...but I balance myself...and I dont care if thats bullshit to you...I balance myself...I slow my mind down...able to piece together what I need to deal with whatever needs to be seen through...and the real big parties...THOSE drugs...those give me some of the emotion back for a short time...bliss...deep happiness...connection with others for the love you can share with them...I KNOW it wont last...but I like it while it lasts...sorry...that's me...that's it
*I can be as cold as I need to be...I never wanted to be like this...but I guess I AM the person who can deal with losing someone or something valuable...when your insides die out...it's easy to let people go...you sort of have this base knowledge always in the back of your head like...fuck em...fuck em and fuck it all, you'll still be you regardless and you will always have yourself...Yes cherrish and love and hold close those who mean so much to you when they are there...but in time if they leave you or you move on from one another, keep the memories but waste none of your time and self on them...you march on in your own way, in your own fashion...you'll deal...pain fades quickly these days...
********Part one...part two will come later...Im too stoned and too tired to do this anymore right now...but trust...there's more...21 was a LONG year...peace bitches...
BRAT
My mind immediatly started to review and process the past year of my life...trying to break it down in sequence and file it...
Kind of freaked me out how...objectively I saw it...like I really just watched it pass before my eyes like some scary ass movie...
So I decided to share some of it...broken into little bits...like my brain broke it into files...I'll give you the SUPER short Cliff's notes version of all my...ahem...once more...Loves, Losses, and Lessons of the 21st year in the life of Brandon motherfuckin Simpson...
*A year can stretch into an unfathomable eternity...stretching beyond all forseeable time...and yet in reflection can fly by in micro seconds...slipping like sand through stretched fingertips...
*Friends will bend and bend for you, time and time again...through the best and the worst of it all...and eventually...some will just reach their fill and move on to other places with their lives. Some people are meant to be there for a time, helping you grow and learn and become more whole...sometimes these people become...part of who you are...sometimes these people fail you and slip away...sometimes...you fail these people and you, yourself run into hiding...
*Memories will never fade...the ones really worth it...the ones that seem burned into not only your mind, but your heart and soul as well...also adding pieces to the puzzle that creates your whole...memories cost nothing...and can save you in your darkest hour...hold the good times dearly to your heart, because though you may lose those whom dwell in these memories...their love and good nature can forever be implanted in you...let them teach you...
*The bad times too...let the bad times teach you...because the scars are VERY real and even if they're only in your mind, YOU can still see them...the dark times make you more real...harder...more solid...they rip you apart and you have to have the will power and strength to pull yourself back together...
*I've lost much in the past year...and I bow to the fact that yes, most of it was my fault.
*I've lost friends who take up so much space in my mind in my memories that it seems like I've know them as long as I've lived...they were my blood...my soul...but I turned from them as much as I feel they turned from me...I walked away...It broke me in strange places inside as soon as I walked back into the house...and I cried...but this new brand of cold stole over me and I froze up again..
*This new brand of cold...this new Numb that has stolen over my heart and soul and sedated my mind into blissfull malice and darkness. I have...lost the will to care and push forth. I like where I am...I like who Im with...yes Im getting a job, but only so I can stay close to who Im with now and party my barin away...Well not for real but being numb is beautiful bliss and it cools me. Ridicule me, whatever...haha...like I said, i don't care. It's strange...kind of scary...to not care...not be affected by much anymore...to so easily push something out of you and stomp on it...destroy it and it will vanish...then it's done...that's how I deal now...it's what feels ok and right...and I care not for moral backlash or whatever...I just...will do as I do and be content...I dont want grand...I want content...
*I had the grandest love of my life flow in like a warm, sunny, life giving breeze...and then rush out again like a black and frigid hurricane...and before I break this one down...know that trully...I miss him like the earth misses the stars during the day...lol...that only made sense to me...I may always love him...Ive already dealt with that and come to peace with it...I may always love him...but I could not love him again...I couldn't have that done to me again...I would surely break beyond repair.
But I loved him dearly...he was my breath and my pulse...my heart and my soul...my night and day...my fucking everything...there was nothing else in the world that was as great and grand to me as he was...He consumed me...I joyfully allowed it...he was so beautiful...everything about him made me want him more and more each day and I wanted only to please and love him...and then...something started to crack...something slowly tore between us and the relationship slipped into decay...we grew...distant and slightly bitter with one another...many days spent tense and dark together...I sought happiness like I was terribely thirsty for it and kept running into brick walls...I freaked out...I lost myself...I grew dark and cold beyond anything before...and it added fuel to the flame consuming whatever happiness we had left...We grew distant in phyiscal natures as well, living in different places...and losing all real loving contact with each other when we WERE together...My mind finally slipped into the darkest part of the well and was covered with dirt and bricks and sand and mud...I become...hollow and empty...I felt so very cold and alone even when surrounded by people...I felt...like there was nothing left I could do to make it work...make it right...make it ok...I ran...And broke the last string holding my emotions in place...they vanished...all that was left was malice...hate...loathing...the need for pain...yours or others, it didn't matter...The geatest love I had ever known...the man who filled my dreams and brought so much of my heart together and really tought me what love...what REAL HONEST TO THE GODDESS LOVE...he tought me what love is...he was gone...I lost the will to...exist
*THe drugs came in full swing again. And this is all I say to this...I know...I FUCKING KNOW...the drugs don't fix anything...I have not solved a thing by filling my gaps and numbing my darkness with drugs...but I balance myself...and I dont care if thats bullshit to you...I balance myself...I slow my mind down...able to piece together what I need to deal with whatever needs to be seen through...and the real big parties...THOSE drugs...those give me some of the emotion back for a short time...bliss...deep happiness...connection with others for the love you can share with them...I KNOW it wont last...but I like it while it lasts...sorry...that's me...that's it
*I can be as cold as I need to be...I never wanted to be like this...but I guess I AM the person who can deal with losing someone or something valuable...when your insides die out...it's easy to let people go...you sort of have this base knowledge always in the back of your head like...fuck em...fuck em and fuck it all, you'll still be you regardless and you will always have yourself...Yes cherrish and love and hold close those who mean so much to you when they are there...but in time if they leave you or you move on from one another, keep the memories but waste none of your time and self on them...you march on in your own way, in your own fashion...you'll deal...pain fades quickly these days...
********Part one...part two will come later...Im too stoned and too tired to do this anymore right now...but trust...there's more...21 was a LONG year...peace bitches...
BRAT