the perks of realization.
I think this whole experience is a blessing in disguise. It's what I needed. And I realize it's what I needed after reading Eat, Love, Pray. I've been eyeing this book, but have been putting off reading it because I have a stack (literally) of other books in my room that I must get through first. But after my sisters put together a care package for me after my surgery with this book included, I thought well, hell. I'm here on the couch and that books in reaching distance... so why not? That was exactly a week ago today. It may not have been the best book I've ever read, or even a favorite... but it did make me realize a lot of things. There was a part about not being able to see your reflection in running water, and only in still water can you see yourself. and what more still can you be besides sitting the day away ala Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window? And that's what I've been doing this past week. Reflecting. Thinking about everything. Coming to terms and getting a grip on my life and people in it.
It has been a very humbling experience to say the least. I think I've had maybe less than a handful of people ask me how I am since finding out about the cancer, getting the surgery done, leaving work, etc. People I had talked to literally hours before I went to the hospital completely forgot that I even had surgery. The people you think would really care, don't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for any sort of sympathy or woe is me, I'm just simply stating what I've come to realize over the course of this whole experience. and I think it's even taught me how I'm selfish in my own right. It's a big slice of humble pie, that's all. but all that to say this: there are people, or perhaps a person or two, that I'm allowing to be in my life right now that have not in any way earned their right to be there. Not only not earning their right, but blatantly showing how unimportant I am in their life... and I've been allowing this. For a really long time. and it's brought me down to one of my lowest points in the past year. I have turned into a person I have a hard time recognizing, and that scares me. and it needs to come to and end, immediately. For the sake of my sanity, my dignity, my self-respect and for merely my happiness. From this point forward I will no longer be allowing people to take up my time at their convienence. I will no longer be holding on to this inflated idea of someone I have made up in my head simply to satisfy my own curiosity and actually believing that they could live up to that idea. they can't. they never could. and just the fact that merely having a 2 minute conversation with someone I found attractive made me not think of this other person for a week, well that just shows that all you need is a little distraction to get over an illusion.
I have been single for 20 years and 6 months. I have learned to live a life completely independent on any sort of male approval or accompiment. I do not need to lower my standards or expectations for anyone, because frankly, my dear... I don't need you. My life is for me and a man is just merely icing on the cake, but ultimately not a necessity. And in order for me to give my time and effort for something that is merely a "bonus" in life, you're damn right I'm going to expect near perfection. I have no desire to settle for anything I don't need to have. That also includes not settling for being a "convienence", a "back-up plan", a "person who will always be there in case things don't work out with someone else", and definitely not "a girl who is going to stay single, unattached, moral and virtuous, virginal and innocent while I have my escapades of partying and slutting around".
There's a lot of things you can think about in a week. There's a lot of things you can realize about yourself and other's through life experiences. But there's also a lot of times that people show their true colors on just any given day, but you're too blind or naive to see the flags being raised. Sometimes it takes a crisis to put things in perspective. Well, bud... all my ducks are in a row now. I accept who you are, what you did, how I allowed you to treat me and most of all, I accept that I messed up by not realizing this sooner, or maybe realizing it but being too weak to stop it. Well I'm not anymore. I accept you and now I'm leaving you. or the idea of you. You are of no use to me anymore.
"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted---an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obesession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore--despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free)...You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.
It has been a very humbling experience to say the least. I think I've had maybe less than a handful of people ask me how I am since finding out about the cancer, getting the surgery done, leaving work, etc. People I had talked to literally hours before I went to the hospital completely forgot that I even had surgery. The people you think would really care, don't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for any sort of sympathy or woe is me, I'm just simply stating what I've come to realize over the course of this whole experience. and I think it's even taught me how I'm selfish in my own right. It's a big slice of humble pie, that's all. but all that to say this: there are people, or perhaps a person or two, that I'm allowing to be in my life right now that have not in any way earned their right to be there. Not only not earning their right, but blatantly showing how unimportant I am in their life... and I've been allowing this. For a really long time. and it's brought me down to one of my lowest points in the past year. I have turned into a person I have a hard time recognizing, and that scares me. and it needs to come to and end, immediately. For the sake of my sanity, my dignity, my self-respect and for merely my happiness. From this point forward I will no longer be allowing people to take up my time at their convienence. I will no longer be holding on to this inflated idea of someone I have made up in my head simply to satisfy my own curiosity and actually believing that they could live up to that idea. they can't. they never could. and just the fact that merely having a 2 minute conversation with someone I found attractive made me not think of this other person for a week, well that just shows that all you need is a little distraction to get over an illusion.
I have been single for 20 years and 6 months. I have learned to live a life completely independent on any sort of male approval or accompiment. I do not need to lower my standards or expectations for anyone, because frankly, my dear... I don't need you. My life is for me and a man is just merely icing on the cake, but ultimately not a necessity. And in order for me to give my time and effort for something that is merely a "bonus" in life, you're damn right I'm going to expect near perfection. I have no desire to settle for anything I don't need to have. That also includes not settling for being a "convienence", a "back-up plan", a "person who will always be there in case things don't work out with someone else", and definitely not "a girl who is going to stay single, unattached, moral and virtuous, virginal and innocent while I have my escapades of partying and slutting around".
There's a lot of things you can think about in a week. There's a lot of things you can realize about yourself and other's through life experiences. But there's also a lot of times that people show their true colors on just any given day, but you're too blind or naive to see the flags being raised. Sometimes it takes a crisis to put things in perspective. Well, bud... all my ducks are in a row now. I accept who you are, what you did, how I allowed you to treat me and most of all, I accept that I messed up by not realizing this sooner, or maybe realizing it but being too weak to stop it. Well I'm not anymore. I accept you and now I'm leaving you. or the idea of you. You are of no use to me anymore.
"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted---an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obesession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore--despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free)...You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.