I still have a flame gun for the cute ones.
I will not be going to Tennessee to see Muse this week. My plans fell through simply because the folks at my new job lost my tax forms, therefore I wasn't actually placed on the payroll in time, thus receiving my first check very late. As of now I do have a lot saved up from working but flights have skyrocketed at this time. I'm not sure if this is in relation to Sept. 11th but it's only Tennessee from New York and I still had a couple of days, so it shouldn't cost me an arm and a leg to travel there. It is simply not worth it anymore for it will not take me very long at all to accumulate what I require to take myself on an even more exciting and beautiful trip right out of this country. I could be upset and frustrated that this happened, but I am going to simply take it as it was not meant to be, and that perhaps Europe is...and fairly soon, as I initially planned. Besides I get to spend my brithday with a very good friend whom I care for very much and little else matters except being with someone who cares about you in return. I was trying to do the whole I'm so independent and do not need anyone - I can be a loner and travel by myself, have fun doing my own thing since many birthdays have been either destroyed or tainted by other people of my past, bound by either blood or the heart it doesn't matter, but they are people who claimed to love me in one way or another. Even last year I wound up spending a ridiculous amount of money around and on my birthday just to be with the one I loved who was broke and homeless at the time (a lot of which went towards hotel rooms and if he hadn't had me, he would've been sleeping in his car the whole time). It was all mainly a result of their striving to live in Los Angeles, the place in which they left me for. I shouldn't have had to do that but I accept that it was my choice, and so after so much disappointment I wanted to choose to be alone.
I have a crush. It hasn't been developed, so I shouldn't even be writing about it, but writing has always helped me to gain some perspective over the mutable palate of feelings and thoughts that make me who I am from one day to the next. This is something I only acknowledged the other night upon telling a friend. It wasn't until then that thoughts began to consume me perhaps because we passed one another so many times by chance. I have a hard time defining such a thing as a crush because we have never actually exchanged words, since it's always the person one is or at least whom I perceive them to be that I fall for. It's difficult not to notice him though. He's exceptionally young and gorgeous for a person in his position and with his success. I don't think it's a success born from the desire for money or acknowledgement because what he does is an art, and he must have worked hard to be able to do what he is so obviously passionate about. That attracts me, and his presence intrigues me, though his demeanor is cold and solitary. He doesn't really acknowledge anyone unless they hold some kind of authority and I'm pretty certain he wouldn't think twice about a girl like me. If I catch him looking in my direction he shifts his eyes away immediately. The truth is that women who attract a lot of men or people in general have it easier in the romantic department, even if all this simply means is that they don't have to work hard to find someone, and this tends to go to their heads despite whatever else they might say. I've been the talk of the town amongst the guys that like to say my name and let their looks linger long, but there is this one that is crushing pretty hard on me I can see, only because he bears no shame in making it obvious.
When I crush on someone myself I'm always surprised when I later find they feel the same as if I willed them and whatever happens into existence. I once read in an astrological report of mine that I had the ability to do that. I grew accustomed to the idea. I'm not trying to be arrogant, but honest. I can't remember actually really liking someone of the male gender, who was attracted to women and sans a romantic partner, at the same time believing there was absolutely no chance in hell - not since I was a painfully skinny and frizzy-haired kid in the sixth grade. His name was Dominick and I was so bold to snap a polaroid of the side of his face unbeknownst to him, in the middle of our classroom on the last day of school. He was my first crush and I was transfering to another school for junior high so I knew I'd never see him again. So bold because I never wanted him to find out that I crushed on him quite as hard as I did.
But my feelings are no where near that sort of stage....not yet. That stage might be a little more adult and less fanciful childlike now although crushes have a tendancy to make you feel that way, young and just a little bit more alive. Anything that touches upon one's desires awakens the living within them and the already hard at work system that thrives inside with a life of it's own and beyond our control; the heart which beats just a little bit faster and the lungs that demand to be filled with deeper pulls of air after holding your breath in a certain someone's presence. As an adult you attempt to hold back since you are more aware by experience and so terribly conscious of pain and rejection. There is a tendancy to keep the imaginative and innocent 11-yr old tucked inside, down below the heart and the lungs...buried. Adults are cynical and jaded. Experience has made me stronger and wiser yet I have so much more to learn. I am still ridiculously naive and immature sometimes. It's an endless process of evolution to the day I die and can no longer grow, but even though death is inevitable it is still unpredictable. Even if I live to be one hundred and five there will be so much that I simply missed. Then come the thoughts that conflict when I wish I could erase experience. Clean slate to be hopeful again. New life, shackle-free, and fanciful without fear again. It's refreshing to feel like a school girl, even with the intimidation and wonder if someone could possibly ever feel the same way, and at a time where I'm turning twenty-five (though people in their thirties laugh at me for making a big deal of this quarter of a century turning-point age). I haven't been so insecure about such a thing in a while and it humbles...or humanizes me.
I have a crush. It hasn't been developed, so I shouldn't even be writing about it, but writing has always helped me to gain some perspective over the mutable palate of feelings and thoughts that make me who I am from one day to the next. This is something I only acknowledged the other night upon telling a friend. It wasn't until then that thoughts began to consume me perhaps because we passed one another so many times by chance. I have a hard time defining such a thing as a crush because we have never actually exchanged words, since it's always the person one is or at least whom I perceive them to be that I fall for. It's difficult not to notice him though. He's exceptionally young and gorgeous for a person in his position and with his success. I don't think it's a success born from the desire for money or acknowledgement because what he does is an art, and he must have worked hard to be able to do what he is so obviously passionate about. That attracts me, and his presence intrigues me, though his demeanor is cold and solitary. He doesn't really acknowledge anyone unless they hold some kind of authority and I'm pretty certain he wouldn't think twice about a girl like me. If I catch him looking in my direction he shifts his eyes away immediately. The truth is that women who attract a lot of men or people in general have it easier in the romantic department, even if all this simply means is that they don't have to work hard to find someone, and this tends to go to their heads despite whatever else they might say. I've been the talk of the town amongst the guys that like to say my name and let their looks linger long, but there is this one that is crushing pretty hard on me I can see, only because he bears no shame in making it obvious.
When I crush on someone myself I'm always surprised when I later find they feel the same as if I willed them and whatever happens into existence. I once read in an astrological report of mine that I had the ability to do that. I grew accustomed to the idea. I'm not trying to be arrogant, but honest. I can't remember actually really liking someone of the male gender, who was attracted to women and sans a romantic partner, at the same time believing there was absolutely no chance in hell - not since I was a painfully skinny and frizzy-haired kid in the sixth grade. His name was Dominick and I was so bold to snap a polaroid of the side of his face unbeknownst to him, in the middle of our classroom on the last day of school. He was my first crush and I was transfering to another school for junior high so I knew I'd never see him again. So bold because I never wanted him to find out that I crushed on him quite as hard as I did.
But my feelings are no where near that sort of stage....not yet. That stage might be a little more adult and less fanciful childlike now although crushes have a tendancy to make you feel that way, young and just a little bit more alive. Anything that touches upon one's desires awakens the living within them and the already hard at work system that thrives inside with a life of it's own and beyond our control; the heart which beats just a little bit faster and the lungs that demand to be filled with deeper pulls of air after holding your breath in a certain someone's presence. As an adult you attempt to hold back since you are more aware by experience and so terribly conscious of pain and rejection. There is a tendancy to keep the imaginative and innocent 11-yr old tucked inside, down below the heart and the lungs...buried. Adults are cynical and jaded. Experience has made me stronger and wiser yet I have so much more to learn. I am still ridiculously naive and immature sometimes. It's an endless process of evolution to the day I die and can no longer grow, but even though death is inevitable it is still unpredictable. Even if I live to be one hundred and five there will be so much that I simply missed. Then come the thoughts that conflict when I wish I could erase experience. Clean slate to be hopeful again. New life, shackle-free, and fanciful without fear again. It's refreshing to feel like a school girl, even with the intimidation and wonder if someone could possibly ever feel the same way, and at a time where I'm turning twenty-five (though people in their thirties laugh at me for making a big deal of this quarter of a century turning-point age). I haven't been so insecure about such a thing in a while and it humbles...or humanizes me.