another day......
so yeah....yesterday was not good....not one damn bit.....
started out with kara telling erin about rugby bitches from my past....kara and i arent friends and shes super against me, go figure. then i had a stressful day at work....came home to some random bill that a collection agcy is trying to pin on me from verizon that shouldnt even be there.....im a bill collector i know how shady some 3rd party debt collectors are, and well that bill was always paid on time, and i got my fucking deposit back.....so thats going to consume a few hours this week straightening out......then i had a shitload of homework to do......after that i settled into my everynight ritual of checking myspace, my hotmail and gmail accounts and then reading this damn thing.....but yeah my girlfriends account was up....and i read it......big SHOULDNT have....wasnt intentional, but well....yeah sucks.....
she says its shit thats just in her head that she doesnt want to fight with me about and things like that.....i took it out of context yadda yadda yadda....but whatever, it still hurt my feelings and fucked up my trust....we've been together for over two years....its one of those things.....I love her to death, but we are old and married....it sucks pretty often, but I stick it out because I love her. I dont really bitch about her to anyone....I get annoyed, but then again I get annoyed with everyone. I've become very jaded and just sick of the world lately, I'm fucking spent...but I try not to take it out on people who don't deserve it.......ugh so yeah I went off and told her how I felt and that she should probably move out.
I don't want to make her leave if she doesn't to....but I don't want to hold her here. If things get better, which I hope they do....then great....if they don't, well....I don't know.....I hit my breaking point and I don't want to feel used, or like she feels like she has to stay for my sake, I dont want her to be miserable because I'm miserable.....all in all....I want to be happy with her, but if it cant happen then it needs to be done.....I attempted to lay it all out....I'm not sure if she's taking me seriously or what...I just wish she could talk to me and open up.....it would make things so much easier....ugh.....
so i went from demons of hell pissed off and hurt.....to just hurt and sad.....I blame it on the fact that im about ready to be otr...but the idea of losing the person I love most in this world is starting to take its toll.....
I might stay at a friends for a bit to give us space......i dont know.....i just wonder whats in her head and what she really wants.....i just want the truth, the first time around......ugh
started out with kara telling erin about rugby bitches from my past....kara and i arent friends and shes super against me, go figure. then i had a stressful day at work....came home to some random bill that a collection agcy is trying to pin on me from verizon that shouldnt even be there.....im a bill collector i know how shady some 3rd party debt collectors are, and well that bill was always paid on time, and i got my fucking deposit back.....so thats going to consume a few hours this week straightening out......then i had a shitload of homework to do......after that i settled into my everynight ritual of checking myspace, my hotmail and gmail accounts and then reading this damn thing.....but yeah my girlfriends account was up....and i read it......big SHOULDNT have....wasnt intentional, but well....yeah sucks.....
she says its shit thats just in her head that she doesnt want to fight with me about and things like that.....i took it out of context yadda yadda yadda....but whatever, it still hurt my feelings and fucked up my trust....we've been together for over two years....its one of those things.....I love her to death, but we are old and married....it sucks pretty often, but I stick it out because I love her. I dont really bitch about her to anyone....I get annoyed, but then again I get annoyed with everyone. I've become very jaded and just sick of the world lately, I'm fucking spent...but I try not to take it out on people who don't deserve it.......ugh so yeah I went off and told her how I felt and that she should probably move out.
I don't want to make her leave if she doesn't to....but I don't want to hold her here. If things get better, which I hope they do....then great....if they don't, well....I don't know.....I hit my breaking point and I don't want to feel used, or like she feels like she has to stay for my sake, I dont want her to be miserable because I'm miserable.....all in all....I want to be happy with her, but if it cant happen then it needs to be done.....I attempted to lay it all out....I'm not sure if she's taking me seriously or what...I just wish she could talk to me and open up.....it would make things so much easier....ugh.....
so i went from demons of hell pissed off and hurt.....to just hurt and sad.....I blame it on the fact that im about ready to be otr...but the idea of losing the person I love most in this world is starting to take its toll.....
I might stay at a friends for a bit to give us space......i dont know.....i just wonder whats in her head and what she really wants.....i just want the truth, the first time around......ugh