Not even sure
What i'm posting, or why. Its probably for 2+ years i've loved him, and now i have to stop, well honestly i should have stopped over a year ago. I think maybe he doesn't understand the depth of my feelings. Maybe he's scared of his feelings. Maybe he just placates my affections.
I could move on i know, i think maybe i want to. I won't though not yet. I mean i've had the options with fantastic guys, its ridiculous some of the fucking GEMS i have found and fucked it up. i just don't know how to salvage even one of those maybe loves. But i'm scared that i move on, what will he have. I mean he doesn't have many friends, and to move on i would have to put distance down. I mean how do you choose someone new over your very best friend, the person you see in everything. From complimentary colors to organic shapes . I'm probably just still in love, but once i latch on to a person i have a very hard time letting that go unless they leave.. When the leave its easier.
And on top of all of this i'm trying to learn a whole new career and work 40 hours a week, and still not have any money. I mean i figured by now something would have happened for me. Its my own fault i guess, I'm lazy don't have a lot of skills or talents really. The talents i get back from people when i'm self deprecating are fine, and i'm proud of them, but none of them will make my life more comfortable. None of them made him stay. Not that i'm even sure i want him to stay, sometimes i think maybe he doesn't deserve me. However the reason i feel that way is because of how i treat him, and i haven't been this devoted in a while, and never to a man. I thought that would be enough.. but it wasn't.
Everything just makes me want to give up, collapse in deaden, things were easier when i didn't care, when i was angry and destructive and afraid. Better than to have loved and lost, and no the pain of it. I used to not care, look in their eyes and spit in their faces. Now i'm soft disgusting, cloying thing, all because i wanted to belong and be loved, for once in my life. The old me was definitely in for a shorter life than i have in front of me, but he never knew that.
I could move on i know, i think maybe i want to. I won't though not yet. I mean i've had the options with fantastic guys, its ridiculous some of the fucking GEMS i have found and fucked it up. i just don't know how to salvage even one of those maybe loves. But i'm scared that i move on, what will he have. I mean he doesn't have many friends, and to move on i would have to put distance down. I mean how do you choose someone new over your very best friend, the person you see in everything. From complimentary colors to organic shapes . I'm probably just still in love, but once i latch on to a person i have a very hard time letting that go unless they leave.. When the leave its easier.
And on top of all of this i'm trying to learn a whole new career and work 40 hours a week, and still not have any money. I mean i figured by now something would have happened for me. Its my own fault i guess, I'm lazy don't have a lot of skills or talents really. The talents i get back from people when i'm self deprecating are fine, and i'm proud of them, but none of them will make my life more comfortable. None of them made him stay. Not that i'm even sure i want him to stay, sometimes i think maybe he doesn't deserve me. However the reason i feel that way is because of how i treat him, and i haven't been this devoted in a while, and never to a man. I thought that would be enough.. but it wasn't.
Everything just makes me want to give up, collapse in deaden, things were easier when i didn't care, when i was angry and destructive and afraid. Better than to have loved and lost, and no the pain of it. I used to not care, look in their eyes and spit in their faces. Now i'm soft disgusting, cloying thing, all because i wanted to belong and be loved, for once in my life. The old me was definitely in for a shorter life than i have in front of me, but he never knew that.