Celebrate Good Times
Currently functioning on approximiately 2 and a half hours of sleep. I didn't have a paper or project due, I just honestly could not go to sleep. My brain was on overtime. And it was reminiscing. So. Because I'm dying to write this all down and it will be fun for the people that experienced it with me, I'm writing it here.
Before I get started, I predict that this will be the longest post ever. So if you don't read, I'm not offended. Unless I know you in "real life", because then you have to, because it's about you.
So here we go.
So many epic adventures we've had. These are the ones I remember most vividly at this point. And the most hilarious.
Bryce's Halloween Party
It is Halloween of Junior year (2003) and I, personally, have really started becoming good friends with Jeff, Rachel, Adam and the "theatre" crew despite my having nothing to do with the theatre. It's the weekend of Halloween and Bryce is having a party. He doesn't really know me, but Adam wants me to come so he gets me an invitation. Bryce presented it to me with a bow because he is so in the closet he's in Narnia. I'm extremely excited to be going to a party, since I was (am) lame and didn't get invited to these sort of things. I decided to wear my 80's gear, which was fucking fantastic (my outfits on my Myspace pics). Adam and his dad picked me up. Adam is dressed like Marilyn Manson.
I knew it was going to be an interesting night.
The party is going as usual for Halloween parties. Nathan and Adrienne are making fun of people and calling out the gay in Interview with a Vampire. Danny and his tranny ho Jeri are making fools of themselves and Nathan mocks them (while wearing a jester hat).
At this point, I would just like to mention that I was the ONLY person there in a colorful outfit. I was a tacky rainbow amongst 16 year old goths.
Then Poison the Bitch(Bryce's CRAAAZZZYYY girlfriend), I believe announced that we were going to have a seance out in his backyard. So, all of us giggling at what's going to happen, we walk out to his backyard. At this point, Danny (the worst person on the face of the earth) is a Wiccan this week and decides he's going to lead the seance. He makes us hold hands in a circle and chant after him. At this point Jeff was like "Fuck this shit" and went and pranced around like he was in a Stevie Nicks video.
Anyway, we're chanting and absolutely dying from the giggles because after a few minutes it's apparent that the "Wiccan phrases" we are muttering are really latin from one of Danny's songs from chorus.
Then, someone notices a guy dressed in white "darting" through the high grass further behind the house. We jokingly claim that the KKK is in Bryce's backyard. Then, this sheet-cladded figure tramples through the circle. He stepped all over Alex, who is only 5 feet tall. Hilarity ensues, as it was obviously David aka Moses.
He races back into the weeds and Danny and his tranny ho Jeri go after him. There are "screams" and everyone runs out there. It appears that Danny and his tranny ho have been "attacked". I never believed it and let's be honest, I would have been thrilled if they had been attacked. But some people honestly believed that David aka Moses aka KKK ghost attacked them. This is because people are stupid.
Once we were back in the house and finishing Interview with a Vampire, Alex got a phone call saying "7 days...." because she had just seen the Ring and almost shit her pants during it. I don't remember who Adam got to call her, but it was funny.
Scary Movie 3
A few weeks before the Halloween party, Adam had finally turned 16 and gotten his license. That weekend, for his first big trip "out" in his own car, we planned to see Scary Movie 3 with Alex and Rachel. Adam picked me up, but since we are both complete morons, we didn't know how to get to the movie theatre. So we ended up downtown in the middle of some bead festival and barely made it to the movie on time. We were surprised to find that neither Alex or Rachel were there either. Alex gets there much later, saying that traffic was way backed up on the expressway (the not retarded way to get to the movie theatre). So Adam and I congratulate ourselves on our inadvertant "short cut" we took through downtown.
After the movie, Adam stops for gas at Enmark. Enmark is by far one of the sketchiest gas stations in town, but it's also one of the cheapest. After filling up, he gets in car to take me home because the last night of the school's play You Can't Take it With You is that night (which unbeknownest to us, is the last play everyone did together).
The car doesn't start.
Adam is not a car person, maybe even less than I am at this point. His dad, however races stock cars, but he's in Tennessee "racing" (or meeting up with fellow swingers. It's hard to say). My mom's working, so we're pretty shit out of luck. Adam calls his crazy cousin Kitty, because he has to get back to the high school in time for rehearsal, and he figures she'll have to give us a ride. Kitty is one of those people who is 30 and plays D&D and has 24 cats and would give her life to fuck Orlando Bloom as Legolas.
She gets there, in kitty sweatshirt and all, and we're about to leave, when one of these nice guys at Enmark who has been looking at Adam's car realizes what was wrong. The wire that connects the starter to the engine came loose. That was all.
We laugh, Adam takes me home and goes to the play.
That night we find out that the wreck that kept Alex in traffic for so long was a wreck that Rachel was in (nothing serious, not even her fault).
Seriously. What are the fucking chances.
Harry Potter leads to one having a stroke in one's hands
This really may be my favorite. It was the summer of 2004, and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was opening that day. Adam had made plans with an old friend, Jessie, so that we all could all go see it. She also lived close to the best theatre and picked up tickets for all of us. The night before, I talk to Adam on the phone and he says Jeff and I have to meet Jessie in the Roses (don't even ask) parking lot at 11:15. He talks to Jeff. he tells Jeff 11:30 (those times may not be right, but you get the idea). So after confusing phone calls with Jeff that morning, he picks me up around 11:10 and we get there at like 11:17 or so. Adam did not tell us what Jessie's car looked like, or gave us her phone number. So, here Jeff and I are, wondering the Roses parking lot looking for people sitting in their car. About 10 minutes goes by, and Rachel calls. She was supposed to go on a math trip, but her dad gave her permission to blow it off, so she's in for seeing Harry Potter. She meets us at Roses, where Jeff and I are extremely frustrated with Adam because he cannot plan for shit and won't answer his phone.
Around 12:15 or so, he finally calls us back after we left threatening messages and says that they're at Chili's (I HATE Chili's by the way) and they've been there for like 30 minutes. Where are we? he asks. Dick.
We go to Chili's. There I see Mommy. Mommy is by far one of the most annoying people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting in my entire life. She insisted that all the theatre and band kids call her "Mommy" because she was like the mother hen to them or some fucking bullshit. I can't stand her. Oh and she totally gave head to the band director and then got his by a car. Not in succession, but that's all I really associate her with. Well that and Cats(the musical). Cats!Woman MRAR
I wasn't happy at all, at this point. I don't have time to eat and have to go see this movie with Mommy. We had to leave early so that Rachel could get a ticket. It was a blessing that we did because we got lost on the way there. (I'm no good at directions, can you tell?) But we made it there, Rachel got her ticket and the movie was fantastic and pretty damn gay, so we were satisfied.
Afterwards, we all parted ways, Rachel, Jeff and I cursing Adam and Mommy under our breaths. I assume that it was this distraction that led us to be lost in Swannanoa, which for those unacquainted with Western North Carolina, was about 20 minutes in the complete wrong direction. Once we've realized this mistake, Rachel has lost all feeling in her hands. Thus we came to the conclusion that her hands had had a stroke.
There was extreme freaking out laced with laughter and confusion. I, unbelievably, got us back to Weaverville because we eventually wound up by Biltmore, an area I know way too well. On our way, we knew we had to call Nathan because Nathan makes everything better.
Nathan is by far, one of the most intriguing and bizarre people I have ever met. He is the gayest guy in the world and couldn't be prouder. He is also, one of the worst human beings on the face of the earth. If it exists, Nathan makes fun of it, and in his own Nathan-brand of humor. To really understand him, I will explain his Senior Project (a high school version of a senior thesis is the best way to describe it)
He did "Pirate Fashion".
His final project?
A jean jacket that had been spliced with a hoodie, adorned with buckles and velcro from various Hot Topic pants that didn't fit him anymore. There were also a couple of patches. I believe one was a Ducky and the other a life saver. And the icing on this stranger than fiction jacket was the lining (if you will) in the jacket. Jeff had suggested to him that he line it with a map, like his own bomber jacket. Nathan, being Nathan, proclaimed he was going to use a map of Canada.
And oh did he.
Instead of sewing the map in, he printed a colorful, political map of Canada off of Google images and safety-pinned it into the back of the the jacket.
I swear to god. He also got an "A". No joke.
Nathan is also the biggest liar I have ever met. His lies are so outstanding though, you almost want to believe them. My personal favorites were the ones about his "uncle". This uncle was, according to him, a senator of Washington DC and lived in a special village for senators there. And he sent Nathan $2000 a month, just because. This may or may not have been the same uncle who was the North Carolina State Clogging Champion.
Now you see why we needed Nathan to make everything better.
We met him at Ingles where we went and stole got doughnuts and other baked chocolately goodness.
We headed back to Jeff's house where hours of video games ensued. I believe Denae might have showed up too. She, is one for the books, but Jeff knows her better and could do her "character" (because come on, there is no other word for her) a lot more justice than I could.
Later in the night, Nathan and Rachel got out the sketchbooks. This was the night of Jiminy Cricket (who they gave a monocle because no one could remember what he looked like), Death Turnips from Super Smash Brothers Melee, Travis as a goat, and my favorite, The BONUS LEVEL.
The Bonus level is an inside joke from our dear friend Rebecca. She described one morning that after having sex with her boyfriend, that he done something and it was amazing. We thought he had hit her g-spot. She said "No it wasn't that. It was like some sort of bonus level!"
And the drawing is of Pacman board with a cherry and penis. You wish you were that awesome.
Ghetto-Punk is born
This was a spur of the moment weekend adventure. Rachel's parents rent out a cabin next to their house and at that point, no one was there, so she suggested that me and Jessica (the craziest fucking person in the world and the person I have the most insane stories and inside jokes with. We went to England together for 3 weeks. That alone would be like 5 pages in Word) spend the night there. We went out scrounging for movies (Dogma and Heathers specifically) and during the car ride, Jessica proclaimed how she never eats the last Tic-Tac because it physically never makes it to her mouth. Rachel and I are totally "WTF" but it's Jessica, the girl who treated her Teddy Grahams like she was a Nazi and they were retarded gay Jews who traveled with gypsies. She then dropped her last Tic-Tac on the floor while I was on the phone with Adam. He was weirded out and declined our offer to spend the night.
During this car ride, we came up with the style of "Ghetto-Punk". It's basically anyone who tries to be hardcore and fails and ends up wearing like an Unicorn shirt. In fact, now that I think about it, Napoleon Dynamite totally ripped us off. Their clothes are ghetto-punk.
Anyway, we went to Rachel's cabin and spent the night watching Dogma, Zoolander and the Princess Bride. It's here that I should explain that Jessica is deathly afraid of bananas. No. I am not kidding. The girl cries and flips the fuck out if she even sees a banana. It is by far the funniest shit in the world. So, that night I found bananas in the kitchen. I threw them at her, and somehow Rachel got injured in the mayhem. Jessica is one crazy bitch and I love her.
The next morning we played with my egghog. The egghog is this tiny little hedgehog stuffed animal I got in Wales for 1.50 pounds because, well here's a picture. It's one of 3 stuffed animals I brought with me to college:
It's the cutest thing in the world with it's little felt feet.
I remember we called Jeff that afternoon and in our high from last night, he got the impression that we were playing with an actual hedgehog. This still makes me laugh just thinking about it.
Rachel and I had to take Jessica home because she had to go to a Key Club car wash (that she missed) and then her parents dragged her to teh Apple Festival in Hendersonville. But Rachel and I got inspired to make Ghetto-Punk t-shirts.
We had, I'm not kidding, probably 30 designs. But, funds are minimal, so we only got to make a few. We made the "My band is so indie it doesn't exist", "Chairman Mao" (it has a picture of a kitty with a commie hat on), "(______) Is the Worst 80's Band Ever" (there was velcro and we made different labels with Poison and bands of the like), "Fugazi is So Punk You Can't Handle It", some sort of Duran Duran one that I had but don't remember what it said, and the absolute best, the Ghetto-Punk shirt, with a glorious unicorn adorning it. I wish I had it at school with me. It's amazing.
OMG I forgot, we made Booty-Call shirts too. Because we showed up at Adam's house that morning on a booty-call but couldn't come in because his parents were in their underwear. And then Jessica got attacked by a giant bug.
But the best part was that night. Rachel and I started harassing Adam because his parents weren't home. We were trying to explain to him the beauty of these shirts and we were so out of it and hyper that he hung up on us. I called him back and screamed into his answering machine "YOU DON'T HANG UP ON BEAUTY!"
He never hung up on me again.
The KISS/Aerosmith Concert
Now this was one of the best weekends of my life. It was my first "big" concert (I had seen The Beach Boys and the Monkees before as a 12 year old). The group of us, Adam, Jeff, Jessica, Alex, Jeff's family and I went to Charlotte to see aforementioned KISS and Aerosmith because our World History teacher had told us that seeing KISS was a religious experience, even if you don't like Kiss. Plus we all really liked Aerosmith.
The drive done was loads of fun. We played a made up game about coming up with an actor/actress and trying to guess how many movies they had been in. It was a little unfair though. Adam and Jeff were on the same team, which should never be allowed.
But anyway, we got to concert and had a fan-fucking-tastic time. Kiss was, well Kiss, but they were awesome in their own way. Aerosmith rocked the fucking house off. They are must see, I'd recommend any and everyone to go see them.
The next day, we were still in Charlotte and for some reason, Jeff's parents wanted to go to this GHETTO AS FUCK mall. There was NOTHING to do in there. For me, it was like any small mini-mall in the midwest, where 75% of the stores are closed except for an antiques store and 2 shitty fast food places. But we're in the south, so it had that Southern aspect that nowhere else has. In this case, a 500 pound man eating a 3 foot hoagie.
Completely freaked out by The Blob, we retreated to the one store that had people in it, the Bass outlet. It was run by these really bitchy and ugly lesbians, so we decided to wreak a little havoc. We switched shoes around in boxes, stuck sale price stickers on expensive shoes, hid socks in gym bags, switched sale prices, the works. We finally had to leave though, because they knew what we were up to.
I believe we also went to the Cheesecake Factory that day. And Jeff made really offensive jokes involving watermelons that Alex didn't understand
Harry Potter and Doughnuts > Life
This was the night last summer when Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince came out. I had been in England when the last one had come out and I desperately wanted to dork out and go to Barnes and Noble to get it at the midnight party. So Jeff and Caroline and I went and met Adam, Alex and Rachel there. We also ran into an interesting group of people from high school. This included Trent Denson, one of the popular guys who when he saw us, hid behind a magazine and Josh Guthrie, whose name we had just discovered in the Academy X: New X-Men comics. He's also our CiCi's sugar daddy.
We got our books and headed back to Jeff's where I immediately started reading because I couldn't contain myself. But I ended up reading off and on all night because we got to listening to Jewel. Now Jeff and Caroline made up a fun little song to "You Were Meant For Me" except it was about ham because "Jewel's Canadian".
When it got done, I giggled "It's so funny because she's Alaskan." They really didn't know she was Alaskan which made it that much funnier.
We stayed up all night and around 6:30 am, we decided we needed doughnuts. Unsure of when Ingles gets off their lazy asses to make doughnuts Caroline called them. It went something like this:
"Hi, I'd like as to inquire about your doughnuts please"
"What"
"When are your doughnuts prepared each morning? Are they ready for consumption now?"
"Um, yeah"
So we went and got doughnuts. Then we decided to sleep for a little bit, then each went home. I finished the book around 4 in the afternoon because I'm a faster reader than you.
Also, even though it wasn't this particular jaunt. Caroline:
"CORNED BEEF!" :D
The night of 365 Fortune Cookies
In honor Jeff's birthday two years ago, the group of us decided to go see Kill Bill Volume 2. Before that, however, we had to get supplies because candy is grossly overpriced. So we went to Roses (again, just don't ask). I provided a big black bag, but with the amount of candy and sodas we were stealing, it was filled to the top. I was always too pussy to do the actual stealing, I would just provide the bag. So, we gave that task to Nathan.
Jesus Christ, if there is one moment from my life I would literally kill someone to have on video tape, it would be this.
Nathan grabbed that bag, put his jacket over it to cover up the food, threw on his purple sunglasses and got his gay on. It was just perfect coincidence that "Bootylicious" came on the Roses' stereo at the same time. That boy nanced and flitted and strutted his way out of there like a champ. It was the funniest shit I have ever seen.
After we got our candy, we went to New China restaurant to eat. We're sitting in the corner by the door, when I notice a giant box labeled 365 Fortune Cookies. Since we are obviously in a kleptomania stage, I jokingly suggest we steal it. Of course, that joking turned into a real plan.
This was the plan.
Jeff and Adam stand in the hallway on the way to the bathrooms where the people can't see (it's a Chinese fast food place) and wait for our signal. When all was clear, they grabbed the box, threw Jeff's extra shirt over it and we bolted out of there.
One of the most exhilirating experiences of my life, no lie.
We had a few minutes before the movie, so we headed to the mall, where we stole bracelets and buttons from Hot Topic. We left soon after and once at the movie, Adam and Jessica (who had been riding together) came running out of the car, freaking out. They had gotten pulled over in the mall. Assuming it was for the stolen $3 bracelets, they started trying to hide all the ones they had. Turns out, Adam was just driving in the wrong lane.
We watch the movie, which is fantastic. We leave, and as we leave, a homeless-looking guy has this conversation with us
"What movie did you guys see?" he slurs
"Kill Bill Vol. 2"
"Oh man I was gonna go see dat but den I got this here job and had to go to work. How was it?"
"Fucking awesome man"
"Yeah. Hey. Do any of y'all got a cigarette?"
Adrienne does, so she gives him one
"Thanks. Hey. Do any of y'all got 7 bucks so I can go see the movie tomorrow?"
Ah, crazy Ashevillians.
We went back to Jeff's that night and now that I think of it, that might have been the crazy drawing night of Jiminy Cricket and the Bonus level. But it doesn't really matter, they only took place about 2 months apart.
And finally. The most bizarre and fucked up thing that has ever happened to the group of us.
The Kenny Incident
I can't tell the whole story, since I was working with my mom during the Attack of the Yu-Gi-Oh kids at Books A Million, but I can go with everything after that.
Basically, we had to make togas for Mr. Graham (our favorite teacher)'s ghetto ass club, the Humanities club. Since we were basically his pets, we had had to have the best togas. And during Sophomore year, Jeff, Rachel and Adam (well, mostly Jeff and Rachel) had created these genius Mr. Monkey childrens books for AP World History. So for our togas, we were going to have each toga represent a Mr. Monkey from a different country. While I was working with my mom, they got the supplies and all that stuff and I was meeting them at the Brew and View to see A Mighty Wind.
They ended up getting there late and rushing into the restaurant/theatre. I don't remember why, so I'll just blame the Yu-Gi-Oh kids. We start watching the movie and Rachel says to herself "I'm not sure if I locked the van." So she heads out and sure enough, the van wasn't locked, so she does so and comes back.
We watch the movie, laugh, eat pizza, all that good stuff. We head to Rachel's van and to our complete shock, one of the sliding doors is wide open.
Commence with the freaking out.
After making sure no crazy homeless men were inside, we got in. We're extremely shaken, especially since Rachel had made sure to come out and lock the van.
But we start driving and decide to put it out of our minds.
That is, until Adam notices something.
He had left his cell phone in the car and while looking at it, he notices a new number programmed into it. It reads "Kenny".
The only Kenny we know gets killed every week on television, so this prompts us to completely flip out. There's sceaming, convulsing, shaking, laughing. It's insane.
So we had to call it.
At first, Adam pretended to just be some guy named Adam. Kenny had met an Adam in a pink shirt at the bar the night before so he assumed it was him. After a few minutes though, Adam explained the situation to Kenny and Kenny says that the last guy who called him was Jimmy from church. I think we called Jimmy, but no one picked up.
I don't think any of us ever told our parents about this. I remember we were too freaked out by it. I don't really understand why now though (why we didn't tell them, not why we were freaked out)
Then we made our togas. Mine was British, Jessica's was ghetto because she fucked it up and was Egyptian, Rachel's was Greek, Jeff's Japanese, Adam's Indian and Alex's Chinese. I don't remember the slogans though. Except for Japan. It was "More American than America" or something.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A CRACKER THAT TOOK ME 4 HOURS
Before I get started, I predict that this will be the longest post ever. So if you don't read, I'm not offended. Unless I know you in "real life", because then you have to, because it's about you.
So here we go.
So many epic adventures we've had. These are the ones I remember most vividly at this point. And the most hilarious.
Bryce's Halloween Party
It is Halloween of Junior year (2003) and I, personally, have really started becoming good friends with Jeff, Rachel, Adam and the "theatre" crew despite my having nothing to do with the theatre. It's the weekend of Halloween and Bryce is having a party. He doesn't really know me, but Adam wants me to come so he gets me an invitation. Bryce presented it to me with a bow because he is so in the closet he's in Narnia. I'm extremely excited to be going to a party, since I was (am) lame and didn't get invited to these sort of things. I decided to wear my 80's gear, which was fucking fantastic (my outfits on my Myspace pics). Adam and his dad picked me up. Adam is dressed like Marilyn Manson.
I knew it was going to be an interesting night.
The party is going as usual for Halloween parties. Nathan and Adrienne are making fun of people and calling out the gay in Interview with a Vampire. Danny and his tranny ho Jeri are making fools of themselves and Nathan mocks them (while wearing a jester hat).
At this point, I would just like to mention that I was the ONLY person there in a colorful outfit. I was a tacky rainbow amongst 16 year old goths.
Then Poison the Bitch(Bryce's CRAAAZZZYYY girlfriend), I believe announced that we were going to have a seance out in his backyard. So, all of us giggling at what's going to happen, we walk out to his backyard. At this point, Danny (the worst person on the face of the earth) is a Wiccan this week and decides he's going to lead the seance. He makes us hold hands in a circle and chant after him. At this point Jeff was like "Fuck this shit" and went and pranced around like he was in a Stevie Nicks video.
Anyway, we're chanting and absolutely dying from the giggles because after a few minutes it's apparent that the "Wiccan phrases" we are muttering are really latin from one of Danny's songs from chorus.
Then, someone notices a guy dressed in white "darting" through the high grass further behind the house. We jokingly claim that the KKK is in Bryce's backyard. Then, this sheet-cladded figure tramples through the circle. He stepped all over Alex, who is only 5 feet tall. Hilarity ensues, as it was obviously David aka Moses.
He races back into the weeds and Danny and his tranny ho Jeri go after him. There are "screams" and everyone runs out there. It appears that Danny and his tranny ho have been "attacked". I never believed it and let's be honest, I would have been thrilled if they had been attacked. But some people honestly believed that David aka Moses aka KKK ghost attacked them. This is because people are stupid.
Once we were back in the house and finishing Interview with a Vampire, Alex got a phone call saying "7 days...." because she had just seen the Ring and almost shit her pants during it. I don't remember who Adam got to call her, but it was funny.
Scary Movie 3
A few weeks before the Halloween party, Adam had finally turned 16 and gotten his license. That weekend, for his first big trip "out" in his own car, we planned to see Scary Movie 3 with Alex and Rachel. Adam picked me up, but since we are both complete morons, we didn't know how to get to the movie theatre. So we ended up downtown in the middle of some bead festival and barely made it to the movie on time. We were surprised to find that neither Alex or Rachel were there either. Alex gets there much later, saying that traffic was way backed up on the expressway (the not retarded way to get to the movie theatre). So Adam and I congratulate ourselves on our inadvertant "short cut" we took through downtown.
After the movie, Adam stops for gas at Enmark. Enmark is by far one of the sketchiest gas stations in town, but it's also one of the cheapest. After filling up, he gets in car to take me home because the last night of the school's play You Can't Take it With You is that night (which unbeknownest to us, is the last play everyone did together).
The car doesn't start.
Adam is not a car person, maybe even less than I am at this point. His dad, however races stock cars, but he's in Tennessee "racing" (or meeting up with fellow swingers. It's hard to say). My mom's working, so we're pretty shit out of luck. Adam calls his crazy cousin Kitty, because he has to get back to the high school in time for rehearsal, and he figures she'll have to give us a ride. Kitty is one of those people who is 30 and plays D&D and has 24 cats and would give her life to fuck Orlando Bloom as Legolas.
She gets there, in kitty sweatshirt and all, and we're about to leave, when one of these nice guys at Enmark who has been looking at Adam's car realizes what was wrong. The wire that connects the starter to the engine came loose. That was all.
We laugh, Adam takes me home and goes to the play.
That night we find out that the wreck that kept Alex in traffic for so long was a wreck that Rachel was in (nothing serious, not even her fault).
Seriously. What are the fucking chances.
Harry Potter leads to one having a stroke in one's hands
This really may be my favorite. It was the summer of 2004, and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was opening that day. Adam had made plans with an old friend, Jessie, so that we all could all go see it. She also lived close to the best theatre and picked up tickets for all of us. The night before, I talk to Adam on the phone and he says Jeff and I have to meet Jessie in the Roses (don't even ask) parking lot at 11:15. He talks to Jeff. he tells Jeff 11:30 (those times may not be right, but you get the idea). So after confusing phone calls with Jeff that morning, he picks me up around 11:10 and we get there at like 11:17 or so. Adam did not tell us what Jessie's car looked like, or gave us her phone number. So, here Jeff and I are, wondering the Roses parking lot looking for people sitting in their car. About 10 minutes goes by, and Rachel calls. She was supposed to go on a math trip, but her dad gave her permission to blow it off, so she's in for seeing Harry Potter. She meets us at Roses, where Jeff and I are extremely frustrated with Adam because he cannot plan for shit and won't answer his phone.
Around 12:15 or so, he finally calls us back after we left threatening messages and says that they're at Chili's (I HATE Chili's by the way) and they've been there for like 30 minutes. Where are we? he asks. Dick.
We go to Chili's. There I see Mommy. Mommy is by far one of the most annoying people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting in my entire life. She insisted that all the theatre and band kids call her "Mommy" because she was like the mother hen to them or some fucking bullshit. I can't stand her. Oh and she totally gave head to the band director and then got his by a car. Not in succession, but that's all I really associate her with. Well that and Cats(the musical). Cats!Woman MRAR
I wasn't happy at all, at this point. I don't have time to eat and have to go see this movie with Mommy. We had to leave early so that Rachel could get a ticket. It was a blessing that we did because we got lost on the way there. (I'm no good at directions, can you tell?) But we made it there, Rachel got her ticket and the movie was fantastic and pretty damn gay, so we were satisfied.
Afterwards, we all parted ways, Rachel, Jeff and I cursing Adam and Mommy under our breaths. I assume that it was this distraction that led us to be lost in Swannanoa, which for those unacquainted with Western North Carolina, was about 20 minutes in the complete wrong direction. Once we've realized this mistake, Rachel has lost all feeling in her hands. Thus we came to the conclusion that her hands had had a stroke.
There was extreme freaking out laced with laughter and confusion. I, unbelievably, got us back to Weaverville because we eventually wound up by Biltmore, an area I know way too well. On our way, we knew we had to call Nathan because Nathan makes everything better.
Nathan is by far, one of the most intriguing and bizarre people I have ever met. He is the gayest guy in the world and couldn't be prouder. He is also, one of the worst human beings on the face of the earth. If it exists, Nathan makes fun of it, and in his own Nathan-brand of humor. To really understand him, I will explain his Senior Project (a high school version of a senior thesis is the best way to describe it)
He did "Pirate Fashion".
His final project?
A jean jacket that had been spliced with a hoodie, adorned with buckles and velcro from various Hot Topic pants that didn't fit him anymore. There were also a couple of patches. I believe one was a Ducky and the other a life saver. And the icing on this stranger than fiction jacket was the lining (if you will) in the jacket. Jeff had suggested to him that he line it with a map, like his own bomber jacket. Nathan, being Nathan, proclaimed he was going to use a map of Canada.
And oh did he.
Instead of sewing the map in, he printed a colorful, political map of Canada off of Google images and safety-pinned it into the back of the the jacket.
I swear to god. He also got an "A". No joke.
Nathan is also the biggest liar I have ever met. His lies are so outstanding though, you almost want to believe them. My personal favorites were the ones about his "uncle". This uncle was, according to him, a senator of Washington DC and lived in a special village for senators there. And he sent Nathan $2000 a month, just because. This may or may not have been the same uncle who was the North Carolina State Clogging Champion.
Now you see why we needed Nathan to make everything better.
We met him at Ingles where we went and stole got doughnuts and other baked chocolately goodness.
We headed back to Jeff's house where hours of video games ensued. I believe Denae might have showed up too. She, is one for the books, but Jeff knows her better and could do her "character" (because come on, there is no other word for her) a lot more justice than I could.
Later in the night, Nathan and Rachel got out the sketchbooks. This was the night of Jiminy Cricket (who they gave a monocle because no one could remember what he looked like), Death Turnips from Super Smash Brothers Melee, Travis as a goat, and my favorite, The BONUS LEVEL.
The Bonus level is an inside joke from our dear friend Rebecca. She described one morning that after having sex with her boyfriend, that he done something and it was amazing. We thought he had hit her g-spot. She said "No it wasn't that. It was like some sort of bonus level!"
And the drawing is of Pacman board with a cherry and penis. You wish you were that awesome.
Ghetto-Punk is born
This was a spur of the moment weekend adventure. Rachel's parents rent out a cabin next to their house and at that point, no one was there, so she suggested that me and Jessica (the craziest fucking person in the world and the person I have the most insane stories and inside jokes with. We went to England together for 3 weeks. That alone would be like 5 pages in Word) spend the night there. We went out scrounging for movies (Dogma and Heathers specifically) and during the car ride, Jessica proclaimed how she never eats the last Tic-Tac because it physically never makes it to her mouth. Rachel and I are totally "WTF" but it's Jessica, the girl who treated her Teddy Grahams like she was a Nazi and they were retarded gay Jews who traveled with gypsies. She then dropped her last Tic-Tac on the floor while I was on the phone with Adam. He was weirded out and declined our offer to spend the night.
During this car ride, we came up with the style of "Ghetto-Punk". It's basically anyone who tries to be hardcore and fails and ends up wearing like an Unicorn shirt. In fact, now that I think about it, Napoleon Dynamite totally ripped us off. Their clothes are ghetto-punk.
Anyway, we went to Rachel's cabin and spent the night watching Dogma, Zoolander and the Princess Bride. It's here that I should explain that Jessica is deathly afraid of bananas. No. I am not kidding. The girl cries and flips the fuck out if she even sees a banana. It is by far the funniest shit in the world. So, that night I found bananas in the kitchen. I threw them at her, and somehow Rachel got injured in the mayhem. Jessica is one crazy bitch and I love her.
The next morning we played with my egghog. The egghog is this tiny little hedgehog stuffed animal I got in Wales for 1.50 pounds because, well here's a picture. It's one of 3 stuffed animals I brought with me to college:
It's the cutest thing in the world with it's little felt feet.
I remember we called Jeff that afternoon and in our high from last night, he got the impression that we were playing with an actual hedgehog. This still makes me laugh just thinking about it.
Rachel and I had to take Jessica home because she had to go to a Key Club car wash (that she missed) and then her parents dragged her to teh Apple Festival in Hendersonville. But Rachel and I got inspired to make Ghetto-Punk t-shirts.
We had, I'm not kidding, probably 30 designs. But, funds are minimal, so we only got to make a few. We made the "My band is so indie it doesn't exist", "Chairman Mao" (it has a picture of a kitty with a commie hat on), "(______) Is the Worst 80's Band Ever" (there was velcro and we made different labels with Poison and bands of the like), "Fugazi is So Punk You Can't Handle It", some sort of Duran Duran one that I had but don't remember what it said, and the absolute best, the Ghetto-Punk shirt, with a glorious unicorn adorning it. I wish I had it at school with me. It's amazing.
OMG I forgot, we made Booty-Call shirts too. Because we showed up at Adam's house that morning on a booty-call but couldn't come in because his parents were in their underwear. And then Jessica got attacked by a giant bug.
But the best part was that night. Rachel and I started harassing Adam because his parents weren't home. We were trying to explain to him the beauty of these shirts and we were so out of it and hyper that he hung up on us. I called him back and screamed into his answering machine "YOU DON'T HANG UP ON BEAUTY!"
He never hung up on me again.
The KISS/Aerosmith Concert
Now this was one of the best weekends of my life. It was my first "big" concert (I had seen The Beach Boys and the Monkees before as a 12 year old). The group of us, Adam, Jeff, Jessica, Alex, Jeff's family and I went to Charlotte to see aforementioned KISS and Aerosmith because our World History teacher had told us that seeing KISS was a religious experience, even if you don't like Kiss. Plus we all really liked Aerosmith.
The drive done was loads of fun. We played a made up game about coming up with an actor/actress and trying to guess how many movies they had been in. It was a little unfair though. Adam and Jeff were on the same team, which should never be allowed.
But anyway, we got to concert and had a fan-fucking-tastic time. Kiss was, well Kiss, but they were awesome in their own way. Aerosmith rocked the fucking house off. They are must see, I'd recommend any and everyone to go see them.
The next day, we were still in Charlotte and for some reason, Jeff's parents wanted to go to this GHETTO AS FUCK mall. There was NOTHING to do in there. For me, it was like any small mini-mall in the midwest, where 75% of the stores are closed except for an antiques store and 2 shitty fast food places. But we're in the south, so it had that Southern aspect that nowhere else has. In this case, a 500 pound man eating a 3 foot hoagie.
Completely freaked out by The Blob, we retreated to the one store that had people in it, the Bass outlet. It was run by these really bitchy and ugly lesbians, so we decided to wreak a little havoc. We switched shoes around in boxes, stuck sale price stickers on expensive shoes, hid socks in gym bags, switched sale prices, the works. We finally had to leave though, because they knew what we were up to.
I believe we also went to the Cheesecake Factory that day. And Jeff made really offensive jokes involving watermelons that Alex didn't understand
Harry Potter and Doughnuts > Life
This was the night last summer when Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince came out. I had been in England when the last one had come out and I desperately wanted to dork out and go to Barnes and Noble to get it at the midnight party. So Jeff and Caroline and I went and met Adam, Alex and Rachel there. We also ran into an interesting group of people from high school. This included Trent Denson, one of the popular guys who when he saw us, hid behind a magazine and Josh Guthrie, whose name we had just discovered in the Academy X: New X-Men comics. He's also our CiCi's sugar daddy.
We got our books and headed back to Jeff's where I immediately started reading because I couldn't contain myself. But I ended up reading off and on all night because we got to listening to Jewel. Now Jeff and Caroline made up a fun little song to "You Were Meant For Me" except it was about ham because "Jewel's Canadian".
When it got done, I giggled "It's so funny because she's Alaskan." They really didn't know she was Alaskan which made it that much funnier.
We stayed up all night and around 6:30 am, we decided we needed doughnuts. Unsure of when Ingles gets off their lazy asses to make doughnuts Caroline called them. It went something like this:
"Hi, I'd like as to inquire about your doughnuts please"
"What"
"When are your doughnuts prepared each morning? Are they ready for consumption now?"
"Um, yeah"
So we went and got doughnuts. Then we decided to sleep for a little bit, then each went home. I finished the book around 4 in the afternoon because I'm a faster reader than you.
Also, even though it wasn't this particular jaunt. Caroline:
"CORNED BEEF!" :D
The night of 365 Fortune Cookies
In honor Jeff's birthday two years ago, the group of us decided to go see Kill Bill Volume 2. Before that, however, we had to get supplies because candy is grossly overpriced. So we went to Roses (again, just don't ask). I provided a big black bag, but with the amount of candy and sodas we were stealing, it was filled to the top. I was always too pussy to do the actual stealing, I would just provide the bag. So, we gave that task to Nathan.
Jesus Christ, if there is one moment from my life I would literally kill someone to have on video tape, it would be this.
Nathan grabbed that bag, put his jacket over it to cover up the food, threw on his purple sunglasses and got his gay on. It was just perfect coincidence that "Bootylicious" came on the Roses' stereo at the same time. That boy nanced and flitted and strutted his way out of there like a champ. It was the funniest shit I have ever seen.
After we got our candy, we went to New China restaurant to eat. We're sitting in the corner by the door, when I notice a giant box labeled 365 Fortune Cookies. Since we are obviously in a kleptomania stage, I jokingly suggest we steal it. Of course, that joking turned into a real plan.
This was the plan.
Jeff and Adam stand in the hallway on the way to the bathrooms where the people can't see (it's a Chinese fast food place) and wait for our signal. When all was clear, they grabbed the box, threw Jeff's extra shirt over it and we bolted out of there.
One of the most exhilirating experiences of my life, no lie.
We had a few minutes before the movie, so we headed to the mall, where we stole bracelets and buttons from Hot Topic. We left soon after and once at the movie, Adam and Jessica (who had been riding together) came running out of the car, freaking out. They had gotten pulled over in the mall. Assuming it was for the stolen $3 bracelets, they started trying to hide all the ones they had. Turns out, Adam was just driving in the wrong lane.
We watch the movie, which is fantastic. We leave, and as we leave, a homeless-looking guy has this conversation with us
"What movie did you guys see?" he slurs
"Kill Bill Vol. 2"
"Oh man I was gonna go see dat but den I got this here job and had to go to work. How was it?"
"Fucking awesome man"
"Yeah. Hey. Do any of y'all got a cigarette?"
Adrienne does, so she gives him one
"Thanks. Hey. Do any of y'all got 7 bucks so I can go see the movie tomorrow?"
Ah, crazy Ashevillians.
We went back to Jeff's that night and now that I think of it, that might have been the crazy drawing night of Jiminy Cricket and the Bonus level. But it doesn't really matter, they only took place about 2 months apart.
And finally. The most bizarre and fucked up thing that has ever happened to the group of us.
The Kenny Incident
I can't tell the whole story, since I was working with my mom during the Attack of the Yu-Gi-Oh kids at Books A Million, but I can go with everything after that.
Basically, we had to make togas for Mr. Graham (our favorite teacher)'s ghetto ass club, the Humanities club. Since we were basically his pets, we had had to have the best togas. And during Sophomore year, Jeff, Rachel and Adam (well, mostly Jeff and Rachel) had created these genius Mr. Monkey childrens books for AP World History. So for our togas, we were going to have each toga represent a Mr. Monkey from a different country. While I was working with my mom, they got the supplies and all that stuff and I was meeting them at the Brew and View to see A Mighty Wind.
They ended up getting there late and rushing into the restaurant/theatre. I don't remember why, so I'll just blame the Yu-Gi-Oh kids. We start watching the movie and Rachel says to herself "I'm not sure if I locked the van." So she heads out and sure enough, the van wasn't locked, so she does so and comes back.
We watch the movie, laugh, eat pizza, all that good stuff. We head to Rachel's van and to our complete shock, one of the sliding doors is wide open.
Commence with the freaking out.
After making sure no crazy homeless men were inside, we got in. We're extremely shaken, especially since Rachel had made sure to come out and lock the van.
But we start driving and decide to put it out of our minds.
That is, until Adam notices something.
He had left his cell phone in the car and while looking at it, he notices a new number programmed into it. It reads "Kenny".
The only Kenny we know gets killed every week on television, so this prompts us to completely flip out. There's sceaming, convulsing, shaking, laughing. It's insane.
So we had to call it.
At first, Adam pretended to just be some guy named Adam. Kenny had met an Adam in a pink shirt at the bar the night before so he assumed it was him. After a few minutes though, Adam explained the situation to Kenny and Kenny says that the last guy who called him was Jimmy from church. I think we called Jimmy, but no one picked up.
I don't think any of us ever told our parents about this. I remember we were too freaked out by it. I don't really understand why now though (why we didn't tell them, not why we were freaked out)
Then we made our togas. Mine was British, Jessica's was ghetto because she fucked it up and was Egyptian, Rachel's was Greek, Jeff's Japanese, Adam's Indian and Alex's Chinese. I don't remember the slogans though. Except for Japan. It was "More American than America" or something.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A CRACKER THAT TOOK ME 4 HOURS