THIS IS ABOUT DEATHLY HALLOWS. OF COURSE
YOU GUYSSSSSSSSSSSS BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVED THAT BOOK, I HAVE TO GLOAT:
RON FUCKING LIVES AND HE HAS BABIES WITH HERMIONE AND HE FUCKING KICKED SO MUCH ASS AND HE MOTHERFUCKING LIVES BITCHES AND I WAS RIGHT AND ALL YOU HATERZ WERE WRONG
OK. NOW THAT I HAVE THAT OUT OF MY SYSTEM.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.
BEST GODDAMN FUCKING BOOK EVER. MOST FUCKING HARDCORE BOOK EVER.
IT WAS NOTHING LIKE HOW I EXPECTED, BUT IT WAS A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN I COULD EVER HOPE FOR.
OK OK OK. DEATH POOL ROUND UP NOW.
FIRST: WHOA DID I MISSCALL SO MANY OF THOSE.
HAGRID: STILL KICKIN'
THE WHOLE DAMN MALFOY CLAN: STILL AROUND AND NAMING THEIR OFFSPRING TERRIBLE AND HILARIOUS NAMES LIKE SCORPIUS. 'CAUSE DRACO WANTS HIS KID TO BE A TRANSFORMER.
PERCY: ALIVE, BUT STILL A DICK(?). ALSO, CRIED OVER HIS DEAD BROTHER AND TOTALLY MADE ME TEAR UP A LITTLE BIT.
SECONDLY, WTF THESE PEOPLE DIED?:
TONKS. OH TONKS, I WAS SORT OF EXPECTING YOU, BUT WTF YOU HAD A CRAZY METAMORPHING WEREWOLF CRACK BABY AT HOME. :(
MAD-EYE: YOU KINDA WENT OUT AT A REALLY SHITTY TIME. THEN YOU COCKTEASED ME IN GRIMMUALED PLACE. DON'T FUCKING COCKTEASE ME LIKE THAT. >:O
SCRIMGEOUR: THAT SCARED THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME TO BE HONEST. I NEVER LIKED HIM BUT OMG WHAT HAPPENED AT THE MINISTRY SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. BUT WE'LL GET TO THAT IN A MINUTE.
DOBBY: OH DEAR SWEET DOBBY. YOU GOT FUCKED IN THE MOVIES AND YOU'RE ACTUALLY REALLY IMPORTANT AND OH MY DOBBY YOUR DEATH WAS THE SADDEST THING EVER. WOE :(
AND THE MOST SURPRISING DEATH OF ALL:
HEDWIG. ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING KIDDING ME? YOU KILLED HIS PET ON PAGE FUCKING 55? YOU KNOW THIS SHIT WAS GONNA BE MOTHERFUCKING HARDCORE WHEN YOU KILL THE FUCKING BELOVED PET FIRST.
NOW, FOR DEATHS I (AND RACHEL) TOTALLY CALLED:
VOLDEMORT: DUH.
BELLATRIX: OH YEAH, BITCH WENT DOWN. BUT OH NO, NOT BY MY BELOVED NEVILLE (WHO WE WILL GET TO A MOMENT) OR EVEN BY HARRY. THAT BITCH WENT DOWN BY THE MOTHERFUCKING PIMP HERSELF, MOLLY WEASLEY. WHO CALLED THAT? NO ONE. WAS IT STILL AWESOME? BET YOUR ASS.
PETTIGREW: EXPECTED HIM TO GO OUT WITH A BIT MORE OF A FLOURISH, BUT STILL, CALLED IT.
LUPIN: OK, WHATEVER ABOUT HIS DEATH, LUPIN WENT CRAZYCAKES TIMES TWELVE AND YEAH, RACHEL CALLED THAT BUT I TOTALLY DIDN'T BELIEVE HER. ALSO, YOU SAY SHOTGUN, I SAY WEDDING, HOLLER.
A TWIN: OH YEAH, WE CALLED THAT HEARTBREAKING SHIT.
SNAPE: OH JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE. I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT SNAPE WITHOUT WANTING TO CRY A LITTLE BIT.
NOW FOR SHIT THAT SURPRISED THE SHIT OUTTA ME:
-WHOA, WERE DID THAT CRAZY IMPORTANT HOUSE-ELF PLOT COME FROM?
-SNAPE. I KNEW WHATEVER WOULD HAPPEN WITH SNAPE WITH SURPRISE BUT STILL. GUYS. SADDEST CHAPTER EVER.
-BEING IN LIMBO IS LIKE BEING AT A TRAIN STATION. NAKED. THAT'S COOL.
-HEY, WHEN DID THIS GET BECOME THE GREAT OUTDOORS?
-DOE A DEER, A FEMALE DEER, IT'S FLEECE AS WHITE AS "WHOA, SNAPE HAS ISSUES"
-HARRY. A FUCKING HORCRUX? REALLY?. AN ACCIDENTAL HORCRUX? >:(
NOW FOR SHIT THAT I LOVED EVER SO LOVING MUCH:
-HOUSE-ELVES ARE MY MOST FAVORITEST EVER.
-RON AND HERMIONE FINALLY MAKE OUT OVER SAID HOUSE-ELVES
-NEVILLE IS MORE HARDCORE THAN ANY OF YOU AND HE IS A GANG LEADER WHO KILLED A SNAKE AFTER BEING ON FIRE. HE EATS BITCHES LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST.
-ALL MY FAVORITES LIVED
-DEAN THOMAS: IMPORTANT PLOT DEVICE
-LEE JORDON: STILL MY FAVORITE NOT IMPORTANT CHARACTER
-RON BEING REPEATEDLY CALLED A GINGER. WHAT. WAS. THAT. SERIOUSLY, ERIC CARTMAN, DID YOU GHOSTWRITE THIS BOOK?
-HARRY'S NOBLE SHIT. I'M A SUCKER.
-KINGSLEY MOTHERFUCKING SHACKLEBOLT REACHED SAMUEL L. JACKSON STATUS. OFFICIALLY. HIS PATRONUS IS A LYNX. SERIOUSLY. FUCK YEAH.
-TONKS AND LUPIN'S KID: MOST FUCKED UP KID EVER OR MOST FUCKED UP KID EVER.
-I LOVE YOU STUPID EPILOGUE. SO MUCH. SERIOUSLY. RON/HERMIONE=BABIES. YAY \O/
-THIS WEEK ON THE MAURY SHOW: THE DUMBLEDORE FAMILY AND THEIR 1829749847 ISSUES.
-ALL THE MARAUDERS ARE ASSHOLES WITH HEARTS OF GOLD. OFFICIALLY.
-TRAIN STATION OT3'S? (SIRIUS/LUPIN/TONKS? AND MAYBE WHEN THEY'RE BORED, LILY AND JAMES GET IN ON THE ACTION. NOT HARRY'S KID'S LILY AND JAMES, YOU KNOW, THE REAL ONES.
-HARRY POTTER AND GINNY WEASLEY: WORST CHILD NAMERS EVER.
SO IN CONCLUSION: RON FUCKING LIVES! \o/