Self-Loathing Simulator 2020.
Has a videogame ever made you feel like a bad person? Or, to broaden the question for the non-players amongst us, has a work of fiction ever made you feel like a bad person?
I've wanted to make this entry for a while, but I've been dragging my feet on it. I've mainly been reluctant to type up my own example, because, uh, you'll never believe this, but thinking about it makes me feel like a bad person.
My personal example of a videogame making me feel personally awful comes from Omori. Heads-up: there's discussion of animal harm and suicide below the cut. This takes place within a dream sequence in a videogame, though, so it's doubly removed from reality; no people or animals are harmed either in the real world or in the 'reality' of the game.
In a late dream sequence in Omori, I found myself in a room. In the centre of the room was Mewo, the family cat, strapped to a table. Next to me was an anthromorphic cat in a butler's outfit, henceforth 'the butler'.
I spoke to the butler. All the butler would say was 'Mewo has been very, very bad.'
I examined Mewo.
'Mewo stares at you. She does not know what is happening,' the game's narration informed me. 'Do you want to cut open Mewo?'
I was given the options 'yes' and 'no'. I selected 'no'. I did not want to cut open Mewo.
I looked for a way out of the room.
There was no way out.
I spoke to the butler again. It was the same thing: 'Mewo has been very, very bad.'
I examined Mewo. The game asked me again if I wanted to cut her open. I said no.
I had another look around for exits.
Okay. I could see where this was going. Obviously the only way to get out of the room was to harm the cat. Fine. If I wasn't going to be able to progress with the game otherwise, I was just going to have to do it.
I braced myself and examined Mewo. Did I want to cut Mewo open? I said yes.
The game asked me again. 'Mewo stares at you. She tilts her head out of curiosity. Do you want to cut open Mewo?'
I lost my nerve and said no.
After a moment, I gritted my teeth and went back to say yes. It was the only way to progress, after all, and I wanted to see the rest of the game.
The game asked me over and over again, while Mewo became increasingly distressed, whether I wanted to cut her open, and I said yes every time.
I hated this. But I didn't have a choice. It was the game. It wasn't me. This was the only way to carry on, so I was just going to grit my teeth and do it.
'Do you want to cut open Mewo?'
Yes. Yes. Yes, I want to cut open Mewo. Just get on with it.
It was done, in the end. I examined Mewo's body, but all I got was the message 'You cut open Mewo.'
I looked for an exit. There still wasn't one.
I spoke to the butler.
'Waiting for something to happen?' the butler asked. 'If you want a way out, there always is one... but...'
Shit! Shit shit shit.
I'd seen that message before. It appeared on occasions when you had the option to open the menu and stab yourself, kicking yourself out of your dream. I checked the menu and, sure enough, the 'stab' option was there.
This wasn't a room you got out of by cutting the cat open. This was a room you got out of by stabbing yourself.
I didn't have to harm Mewo.
I'd persuaded myself that I had to do this, that it was the only way. I'd cut her open, blaming the game design for it the entire time. I had to do it.
But I didn't have to do it. It didn't achieve anything at all. I just hadn't looked hard enough for alternatives, and that whole horrible sequence was for nothing.
I reloaded my last save immediately, so I could redo that room and leave without hurting the cat. But I was intensely conscious that I had hurt her, that I was just papering over that fact. What if I'd mistakenly persuaded myself I had to do something terrible that I couldn't then undo?
(Huh. I think writing this up has helped me truly understand the thematic significance of that scene.)
I had trouble sleeping the night after playing through this sequence. I don't think it would have hit me nearly as hard if it actually had been unavoidable. But the realisation that it could have been avoided, that I just failed to avoid it: that's what really made it stick in my mind.
Wow, I did not enjoy typing that out. Please share your own stories, and we can feel bad about ourselves together.
I've wanted to make this entry for a while, but I've been dragging my feet on it. I've mainly been reluctant to type up my own example, because, uh, you'll never believe this, but thinking about it makes me feel like a bad person.
My personal example of a videogame making me feel personally awful comes from Omori. Heads-up: there's discussion of animal harm and suicide below the cut. This takes place within a dream sequence in a videogame, though, so it's doubly removed from reality; no people or animals are harmed either in the real world or in the 'reality' of the game.
In a late dream sequence in Omori, I found myself in a room. In the centre of the room was Mewo, the family cat, strapped to a table. Next to me was an anthromorphic cat in a butler's outfit, henceforth 'the butler'.
I spoke to the butler. All the butler would say was 'Mewo has been very, very bad.'
I examined Mewo.
'Mewo stares at you. She does not know what is happening,' the game's narration informed me. 'Do you want to cut open Mewo?'
I was given the options 'yes' and 'no'. I selected 'no'. I did not want to cut open Mewo.
I looked for a way out of the room.
There was no way out.
I spoke to the butler again. It was the same thing: 'Mewo has been very, very bad.'
I examined Mewo. The game asked me again if I wanted to cut her open. I said no.
I had another look around for exits.
Okay. I could see where this was going. Obviously the only way to get out of the room was to harm the cat. Fine. If I wasn't going to be able to progress with the game otherwise, I was just going to have to do it.
I braced myself and examined Mewo. Did I want to cut Mewo open? I said yes.
The game asked me again. 'Mewo stares at you. She tilts her head out of curiosity. Do you want to cut open Mewo?'
I lost my nerve and said no.
After a moment, I gritted my teeth and went back to say yes. It was the only way to progress, after all, and I wanted to see the rest of the game.
The game asked me over and over again, while Mewo became increasingly distressed, whether I wanted to cut her open, and I said yes every time.
I hated this. But I didn't have a choice. It was the game. It wasn't me. This was the only way to carry on, so I was just going to grit my teeth and do it.
'Do you want to cut open Mewo?'
Yes. Yes. Yes, I want to cut open Mewo. Just get on with it.
It was done, in the end. I examined Mewo's body, but all I got was the message 'You cut open Mewo.'
I looked for an exit. There still wasn't one.
I spoke to the butler.
'Waiting for something to happen?' the butler asked. 'If you want a way out, there always is one... but...'
Shit! Shit shit shit.
I'd seen that message before. It appeared on occasions when you had the option to open the menu and stab yourself, kicking yourself out of your dream. I checked the menu and, sure enough, the 'stab' option was there.
This wasn't a room you got out of by cutting the cat open. This was a room you got out of by stabbing yourself.
I didn't have to harm Mewo.
I'd persuaded myself that I had to do this, that it was the only way. I'd cut her open, blaming the game design for it the entire time. I had to do it.
But I didn't have to do it. It didn't achieve anything at all. I just hadn't looked hard enough for alternatives, and that whole horrible sequence was for nothing.
I reloaded my last save immediately, so I could redo that room and leave without hurting the cat. But I was intensely conscious that I had hurt her, that I was just papering over that fact. What if I'd mistakenly persuaded myself I had to do something terrible that I couldn't then undo?
(Huh. I think writing this up has helped me truly understand the thematic significance of that scene.)
I had trouble sleeping the night after playing through this sequence. I don't think it would have hit me nearly as hard if it actually had been unavoidable. But the realisation that it could have been avoided, that I just failed to avoid it: that's what really made it stick in my mind.
Wow, I did not enjoy typing that out. Please share your own stories, and we can feel bad about ourselves together.