Wanking! That's A Wanking Joke!
Last night, I dreamt that I was making out with Takuto of Full Moon wo Sagashite (STOP LAUGHING) and suddenly realised that he was purring. Adorable. 'Takuto purrs when he's being kissed' is going straight into my headcanon. I bet he gets really embarrassed about it, too.
Were you aware that the seventh series of Would I Lie to You?, best panel show on British television, started on the third of May? It took me completely by surprise.
I was actually supposed to be going to a recording of Would I Lie to You? on the third, but alas the venue was full when we got there and we were turned away; I think ticket-holders have started turning up a lot earlier than they used to. I also had tickets for a recording on Monday, though, and - having learnt from my earlier error - did manage to get into that one.
On David Mitchell's team were Mel Giedroyc and Dermot O'Leary; on Lee Mack's were Matt Dawson and Josh Widdicombe; the host, as ever, was Rob Brydon. I don't remember much from this recording, I'm afraid - I have no idea how I managed to write up vast recaps in the past - but it was good fun. Here's what little I do remember, at least. I might have a bit more to say after the episode has aired.
At the beginning, when Mack and Mitchell came on, Brydon complimented Mack's appearance.
Mitchell: How do I look?
Brydon: (seems not to hear him, continues talking to Mack)
Mitchell: (rather sadly) Oh.
Brydon: ?
Mitchell: I asked you how I looked.
Brydon: Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't hear you! You look, as ever, like a junior officer in the Nazi party.
O'Leary: I sometimes move plates from the bottom to the top of the pile so they don't feel left out.
O'Leary: So if I'm unloading the dishwasher and I notice some guys in the cupboard who haven't been used for a while, I'll go 'come on, guys, up you get, you can sit on top of those guys'.
Mack: Can you please stop referring to your crockery as 'guys'? It's extremely disturbing.
O'Leary was completely incapable of ceasing to refer to his crockery as 'guys'.
O'Leary: I was recently at an RAF event, and there was special RAF crockery, and I just - okay, I stole some. So I had this RAF cup and saucer, and I put them in the cupboard, and the saucer's with the other saucers, he's happy, but the cup was a bit lonely. So I actually had to clear space for the cup and saucer to sit together. They're husband and wife; I couldn't separate them.
Widdicombe had a 'possession' claim: a pair of old boxer shorts that had evidently seen better days. He claimed that he'd owned them since he was a teenager and still wore them.
Mitchell: Why is there a tear in them right where you would have a poo?
Mack: (laughs) I've never heard David Mitchell sound so childish!
Mitchell: This goes out at eight thirty! You can't say 'shit'!
Brydon: (touches his earpiece) David, they're asking if you can do that again with 'ploppy-plops'.
Widdicombe was, inevitably, asked to model the boxers and reluctantly put them on over his trousers. They were quite obviously far too big.
Mitchell: Were you much larger when you were a teenager?
Widdicombe: No, just... they've stretched, haven't they?
Mitchell: From all those years sitting loosely on someone much too small for them?
Giedroyc called Widdicombe over and inserted a finger into the waistband of the underpants to test the give.
Mack: Anyone who's just turned over is going to be really confused.
Mitchell: This is the lifeguard who talked me down from a diving board I was clinging to after I panicked mid-boing.
Mitchell: I'd never dived into a body of water head-first, and I certainly wasn't planning to this time. I was thinking of this show. I can lose up to my waist and I'll be fine; they can prop me on a stool. I thought, 'If I'm doing this, I'm going in non-panel-show end first.'
Dawson: Lately I've been shaving in a very... personal area.
Brydon: You shave your personal area? Why?
Mack: Looks bigger that way, doesn't it? Before he grew that beard, David's face used to look really small. No, wait, that doesn't work. Before he grew that beard, David's face used to look really big.
Dawson: Well, I am married to a German lady.
Everyone: ...
Dawson: (offers no further explanation)
Widdicombe: Does that mean if they had won the war, we'd all be doing it?
Mack claimed that his nickname at school was 'the Charmer' because, when the school snake had become agitated, he had been able to calm it down by stroking its head with a finger. He was invited to demonstrate this.
Brydon: In the absence of a snake...
Mack: I'm not falling for this again, Rob.
I don't know much about Dawson (apart from his shaving habits), but he does the most remarkable imitation of an agitated snake.
Mitchell: Did the school really allow you to touch the snake? Wasn't there any concern about safety?
Mack: How much harm could it do? You think they'd have been worried it might have bitten me?
Mitchell: Yes, or... with some snakes, being bitten might have greater negative consequences than just the bite.
Mack: You think the school snake was poisonous? I know it was the North, David, but it wasn't that rough.
Giedroyc: Describe the snake's tank.
Mack: Well, the snake's bed was in one corner; it had a very long, thin mattress...
O'Leary: I can't believe this is true, because you're still here. If your teacher nicknamed you 'the Charmer', any responsible friend would beat the shit out of you.
I'm afraid that's all I have for now! I suppose you'll just have to watch the episode yourself.
Finally, a deeply distressing conversation with my housemate:
Riona: I watched Waterloo Road today, even though I shouldn't.
RD: That's fine. I think you should always watch Waterloo Road. Your life would be sadder without it. It's an integral part of your makeup as a human being.
Riona: That's the worst thing anyone's ever said to me.
Were you aware that the seventh series of Would I Lie to You?, best panel show on British television, started on the third of May? It took me completely by surprise.
I was actually supposed to be going to a recording of Would I Lie to You? on the third, but alas the venue was full when we got there and we were turned away; I think ticket-holders have started turning up a lot earlier than they used to. I also had tickets for a recording on Monday, though, and - having learnt from my earlier error - did manage to get into that one.
On David Mitchell's team were Mel Giedroyc and Dermot O'Leary; on Lee Mack's were Matt Dawson and Josh Widdicombe; the host, as ever, was Rob Brydon. I don't remember much from this recording, I'm afraid - I have no idea how I managed to write up vast recaps in the past - but it was good fun. Here's what little I do remember, at least. I might have a bit more to say after the episode has aired.
At the beginning, when Mack and Mitchell came on, Brydon complimented Mack's appearance.
Mitchell: How do I look?
Brydon: (seems not to hear him, continues talking to Mack)
Mitchell: (rather sadly) Oh.
Brydon: ?
Mitchell: I asked you how I looked.
Brydon: Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't hear you! You look, as ever, like a junior officer in the Nazi party.
O'Leary: I sometimes move plates from the bottom to the top of the pile so they don't feel left out.
O'Leary: So if I'm unloading the dishwasher and I notice some guys in the cupboard who haven't been used for a while, I'll go 'come on, guys, up you get, you can sit on top of those guys'.
Mack: Can you please stop referring to your crockery as 'guys'? It's extremely disturbing.
O'Leary was completely incapable of ceasing to refer to his crockery as 'guys'.
O'Leary: I was recently at an RAF event, and there was special RAF crockery, and I just - okay, I stole some. So I had this RAF cup and saucer, and I put them in the cupboard, and the saucer's with the other saucers, he's happy, but the cup was a bit lonely. So I actually had to clear space for the cup and saucer to sit together. They're husband and wife; I couldn't separate them.
Widdicombe had a 'possession' claim: a pair of old boxer shorts that had evidently seen better days. He claimed that he'd owned them since he was a teenager and still wore them.
Mitchell: Why is there a tear in them right where you would have a poo?
Mack: (laughs) I've never heard David Mitchell sound so childish!
Mitchell: This goes out at eight thirty! You can't say 'shit'!
Brydon: (touches his earpiece) David, they're asking if you can do that again with 'ploppy-plops'.
Widdicombe was, inevitably, asked to model the boxers and reluctantly put them on over his trousers. They were quite obviously far too big.
Mitchell: Were you much larger when you were a teenager?
Widdicombe: No, just... they've stretched, haven't they?
Mitchell: From all those years sitting loosely on someone much too small for them?
Giedroyc called Widdicombe over and inserted a finger into the waistband of the underpants to test the give.
Mack: Anyone who's just turned over is going to be really confused.
Mitchell: This is the lifeguard who talked me down from a diving board I was clinging to after I panicked mid-boing.
Mitchell: I'd never dived into a body of water head-first, and I certainly wasn't planning to this time. I was thinking of this show. I can lose up to my waist and I'll be fine; they can prop me on a stool. I thought, 'If I'm doing this, I'm going in non-panel-show end first.'
Dawson: Lately I've been shaving in a very... personal area.
Brydon: You shave your personal area? Why?
Mack: Looks bigger that way, doesn't it? Before he grew that beard, David's face used to look really small. No, wait, that doesn't work. Before he grew that beard, David's face used to look really big.
Dawson: Well, I am married to a German lady.
Everyone: ...
Dawson: (offers no further explanation)
Widdicombe: Does that mean if they had won the war, we'd all be doing it?
Mack claimed that his nickname at school was 'the Charmer' because, when the school snake had become agitated, he had been able to calm it down by stroking its head with a finger. He was invited to demonstrate this.
Brydon: In the absence of a snake...
Mack: I'm not falling for this again, Rob.
I don't know much about Dawson (apart from his shaving habits), but he does the most remarkable imitation of an agitated snake.
Mitchell: Did the school really allow you to touch the snake? Wasn't there any concern about safety?
Mack: How much harm could it do? You think they'd have been worried it might have bitten me?
Mitchell: Yes, or... with some snakes, being bitten might have greater negative consequences than just the bite.
Mack: You think the school snake was poisonous? I know it was the North, David, but it wasn't that rough.
Giedroyc: Describe the snake's tank.
Mack: Well, the snake's bed was in one corner; it had a very long, thin mattress...
O'Leary: I can't believe this is true, because you're still here. If your teacher nicknamed you 'the Charmer', any responsible friend would beat the shit out of you.
I'm afraid that's all I have for now! I suppose you'll just have to watch the episode yourself.
Finally, a deeply distressing conversation with my housemate:
Riona: I watched Waterloo Road today, even though I shouldn't.
RD: That's fine. I think you should always watch Waterloo Road. Your life would be sadder without it. It's an integral part of your makeup as a human being.
Riona: That's the worst thing anyone's ever said to me.