David Mitchell, Incidentally, Had A Beard. It Was Disconcerting.
valderys very kindly offered me a ticket to yesterday's recording of The Unbelievable Truth! The panel were Lee Mack, Jack Dee, Rufus Hound and Graeme Garden; the host, as always, was David Mitchell.
The premise of the game, for those unfamiliar: each panellist delivers a short lecture on a given subject, which must be entirely false save for five pieces of true information. The other players must buzz in if they think they've spotted a true fact.
Below the cut is what I can remember of the recording!
(I've just realised that, despite all the Unbelievable Truth recordings I've been to, I've never told you the joke Mitchell always tells for the sound check! Here it is, as Mitchell tells it:
What's a ghost's favourite country? That's the question. And the answer, the humorous answer, is 'Fraaaaaaaance'. What makes it so funny is the ghostly way in which 'France' is pronounced.)
Mitchell: You may know Lee Mack as the straight man on BBC One panel show Would I Lie to You?
Mack: Whereas you are definitely not the straight man on Would I Lie to You?
Mitchell: I am, in fact, the outrageously homosexual man on Would I Lie to You?
Mack: There's nothing outrageous about you, David.
Mitchell: (inviting Mack to continue with his speech after ruling in his favour on an interruption) Lee.
Mack: Thank you, David. (pause) I wish we got on this well on our other panel show. Next to Rufus, I look almost posh.
(Rufus is wearing a sweatshirt, tracksuit bottoms and baseball cap in light grey and neon orange.)
Mack: When I look at him, I can see how annoying it must be for you to have to see me all the time.
At one point Dee buzzed in on a supposed truth. Mitchell made a joke about the thing he'd buzzed in on.
Dee: ...does that mean it was true?
Mitchell: Oh, yes, it was true.
Dee: You decided to do a little comedy skit there, and meanwhile I'm being held in the tension of not knowing.
Mitchell: I can see now that it was an incredibly insensitive time for me to attempt levity.
When Hound was called upon to deliver his first lecture:
Hound: I'm going to do something extremely ill-advised, but I can't do it alone.
Mack: I'm not falling for this again.
Hound: I'm going to rap my speech, and so I've invited a beatboxer along. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Grace Savage to the stage!
Mitchell: For those listening at home: yes, this is really happening.
During the rap:
Mitchell: Oh, did you say 'muck'? I thought you'd said something entirely different.
Hound: Oh, no; I am aware that we're on Radio 4.
Mack: Are you, Rufus? Because I think you've seriously misjudged the demographic.
One of the truths in Hound's rap-lecture (The whole world's hatin' on masturbatin', it's so frustratin') was that in Victorian times (I think?) a sort of 'self-abuse alarm' was in use: a device parents could hook up to a child's penis, which would set off a buzzer to warn them if their child was masturbating.
For the rest of the recording, Mack would frequently press his buzzer and then say, warningly, 'Jack.'
Mitchell: We've made the mistake of giving Lee a prop that makes noise.
Later, when Mitchell made a joke about Prince Charles that didn't go down very well:
Garden: In many rooms that would have gone down a lot better.
Hound: Well, we know the level of this audience.
Mack: (pushes his buzzer) Jack.
(audience laughter)
Mitchell: Yes: if at any point you find yourself not enjoying a joke, just imagine Jack's masturbating.
Mack: I think some of them will be doing that anyway.
Garden: Florence Nightingale had one leg shorter than the other. But, as if that wasn't enough, she also had one leg longer than the other.
(buzz)
Dee: I think both of those are true.
Mitchell: Does that mean you want two points?
Dee: Well, it would seem to make sense, wouldn't it?
Mack: I think only one of them is true.
Mitchell: As it happens, neither is true. Florence Nightingale's - let's get this right - her left leg was the same length as her right leg, but I'm not sure about the other one.
Mack: Is that why they called her the Lady of the Limp?
Garden: ...
Mack: ...was that what you were going to say next?
Garden: ...
Mack: (claps his hands over his face) Oh, no, it was! In your defence, I did have a long time to think about it.
Mitchell: Now I know what you're doing in the pauses! You're just thinking ahead to the next pun! (pause) ...which is in fact an entirely sensible thing to do given the circumstances, well done.
Mitchell becomes very unhappy, it turns out, about the fact that so many nuts aren't scientifically considered nuts. He read out a long list in plodding despair: 'Peanuts aren't a nut; brazil nuts aren't a nut; walnuts aren't a nut; coconuts aren't a nut; almonds aren't a nut; cashew nuts aren't a nut...'
Mitchell: I think peanuts are legumes, which means they're "in the same family as peas and beans". Because "family" doesn't mean a group of people who are related to each other any more; it's just a bunch of nuts and peas and beans together. I mean, how do we define something if not by what it obviously is? Does usage mean nothing any more?
Later:
Dee: I don't want to bring up the what-is-and-isn't-a-nut issue again, because it makes David so upset.
Hound: I'd say it makes him go nuts, but the truth is it probably makes him go seeds.
Hound speculated on how walking backwards on the pavement and eating peanuts during a concert might have come to be banned in New York.
Hound: I'm imagining an open-air concert in Central Park. So people are buying peanuts from the peanut vendors, and then they're walking backwards, so they can keep watching the concert, and they knock over the vat of oil used to make the hot peanuts...
Mitchell: The oil used to make the hot peanuts?
Mack: Have you never been to a backwards-walking peanut concert, David?
Dee claimed that Tony Blair, when in the Boy Scouts, accused another boy of plotting to use an electrical device to kill the fish during a fishing contest, 'but a subsequent inquiry found no weapons of bass destruction.'
Mitchell: (to Mack) A joke, as you would know better than anyone, can pall after a while.
I may have misheard this, but I think the following exchange took place when Mitchell had ruled against Mack's challenge a couple of times in a row, causing Mack to lose points:
Mack: You're just going to hold me down and bum me to death.
Mitchell: That one's for the trailer.
At the end, Jon Naismith, the producer, came out to ask for a few retakes. After getting Mitchell to repeat a bit:
Naismith: That'll do me nicely, thank you.
Mack: Is this turning you on?
And that's all I can recall for now, I'm afraid; I hadn't been to a recording for about half a year, so my memory was a bit out of practice. Two episodes were recorded; the first will be broadcast on Boxing Day, the second probably three weeks after that.
The premise of the game, for those unfamiliar: each panellist delivers a short lecture on a given subject, which must be entirely false save for five pieces of true information. The other players must buzz in if they think they've spotted a true fact.
Below the cut is what I can remember of the recording!
(I've just realised that, despite all the Unbelievable Truth recordings I've been to, I've never told you the joke Mitchell always tells for the sound check! Here it is, as Mitchell tells it:
What's a ghost's favourite country? That's the question. And the answer, the humorous answer, is 'Fraaaaaaaance'. What makes it so funny is the ghostly way in which 'France' is pronounced.)
Mitchell: You may know Lee Mack as the straight man on BBC One panel show Would I Lie to You?
Mack: Whereas you are definitely not the straight man on Would I Lie to You?
Mitchell: I am, in fact, the outrageously homosexual man on Would I Lie to You?
Mack: There's nothing outrageous about you, David.
Mitchell: (inviting Mack to continue with his speech after ruling in his favour on an interruption) Lee.
Mack: Thank you, David. (pause) I wish we got on this well on our other panel show. Next to Rufus, I look almost posh.
(Rufus is wearing a sweatshirt, tracksuit bottoms and baseball cap in light grey and neon orange.)
Mack: When I look at him, I can see how annoying it must be for you to have to see me all the time.
At one point Dee buzzed in on a supposed truth. Mitchell made a joke about the thing he'd buzzed in on.
Dee: ...does that mean it was true?
Mitchell: Oh, yes, it was true.
Dee: You decided to do a little comedy skit there, and meanwhile I'm being held in the tension of not knowing.
Mitchell: I can see now that it was an incredibly insensitive time for me to attempt levity.
When Hound was called upon to deliver his first lecture:
Hound: I'm going to do something extremely ill-advised, but I can't do it alone.
Mack: I'm not falling for this again.
Hound: I'm going to rap my speech, and so I've invited a beatboxer along. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Grace Savage to the stage!
Mitchell: For those listening at home: yes, this is really happening.
During the rap:
Mitchell: Oh, did you say 'muck'? I thought you'd said something entirely different.
Hound: Oh, no; I am aware that we're on Radio 4.
Mack: Are you, Rufus? Because I think you've seriously misjudged the demographic.
One of the truths in Hound's rap-lecture (The whole world's hatin' on masturbatin', it's so frustratin') was that in Victorian times (I think?) a sort of 'self-abuse alarm' was in use: a device parents could hook up to a child's penis, which would set off a buzzer to warn them if their child was masturbating.
For the rest of the recording, Mack would frequently press his buzzer and then say, warningly, 'Jack.'
Mitchell: We've made the mistake of giving Lee a prop that makes noise.
Later, when Mitchell made a joke about Prince Charles that didn't go down very well:
Garden: In many rooms that would have gone down a lot better.
Hound: Well, we know the level of this audience.
Mack: (pushes his buzzer) Jack.
(audience laughter)
Mitchell: Yes: if at any point you find yourself not enjoying a joke, just imagine Jack's masturbating.
Mack: I think some of them will be doing that anyway.
Garden: Florence Nightingale had one leg shorter than the other. But, as if that wasn't enough, she also had one leg longer than the other.
(buzz)
Dee: I think both of those are true.
Mitchell: Does that mean you want two points?
Dee: Well, it would seem to make sense, wouldn't it?
Mack: I think only one of them is true.
Mitchell: As it happens, neither is true. Florence Nightingale's - let's get this right - her left leg was the same length as her right leg, but I'm not sure about the other one.
Mack: Is that why they called her the Lady of the Limp?
Garden: ...
Mack: ...was that what you were going to say next?
Garden: ...
Mack: (claps his hands over his face) Oh, no, it was! In your defence, I did have a long time to think about it.
Mitchell: Now I know what you're doing in the pauses! You're just thinking ahead to the next pun! (pause) ...which is in fact an entirely sensible thing to do given the circumstances, well done.
Mitchell becomes very unhappy, it turns out, about the fact that so many nuts aren't scientifically considered nuts. He read out a long list in plodding despair: 'Peanuts aren't a nut; brazil nuts aren't a nut; walnuts aren't a nut; coconuts aren't a nut; almonds aren't a nut; cashew nuts aren't a nut...'
Mitchell: I think peanuts are legumes, which means they're "in the same family as peas and beans". Because "family" doesn't mean a group of people who are related to each other any more; it's just a bunch of nuts and peas and beans together. I mean, how do we define something if not by what it obviously is? Does usage mean nothing any more?
Later:
Dee: I don't want to bring up the what-is-and-isn't-a-nut issue again, because it makes David so upset.
Hound: I'd say it makes him go nuts, but the truth is it probably makes him go seeds.
Hound speculated on how walking backwards on the pavement and eating peanuts during a concert might have come to be banned in New York.
Hound: I'm imagining an open-air concert in Central Park. So people are buying peanuts from the peanut vendors, and then they're walking backwards, so they can keep watching the concert, and they knock over the vat of oil used to make the hot peanuts...
Mitchell: The oil used to make the hot peanuts?
Mack: Have you never been to a backwards-walking peanut concert, David?
Dee claimed that Tony Blair, when in the Boy Scouts, accused another boy of plotting to use an electrical device to kill the fish during a fishing contest, 'but a subsequent inquiry found no weapons of bass destruction.'
Mitchell: (to Mack) A joke, as you would know better than anyone, can pall after a while.
I may have misheard this, but I think the following exchange took place when Mitchell had ruled against Mack's challenge a couple of times in a row, causing Mack to lose points:
Mack: You're just going to hold me down and bum me to death.
Mitchell: That one's for the trailer.
At the end, Jon Naismith, the producer, came out to ask for a few retakes. After getting Mitchell to repeat a bit:
Naismith: That'll do me nicely, thank you.
Mack: Is this turning you on?
And that's all I can recall for now, I'm afraid; I hadn't been to a recording for about half a year, so my memory was a bit out of practice. Two episodes were recorded; the first will be broadcast on Boxing Day, the second probably three weeks after that.