Tell Me If You Need Any Help With The Harry Hill Impression.
Oh, I'd forgotten to mention one of my favourite parts of the Would I Lie to You? recording on Friday! Apparently, a woman once asked Lee Mack to sign her chest, but the pen she gave him didn't work, so without thinking he went over to her other breast and scribbled on it in an attempt to get the ink flowing again.
Also, during the 'This Is My...' round:
Coren: (interrogating Mitchell) All right. One question, and you have to answer this honestly.
Mitchell: Yes. No! No, I don't have to answer it honestly!
Coren: When the producers said 'we're going to bring on the man who has a tattoo of you on one knee and Robert Webb on the other', was your reaction 'oh, good; I'd like to meet him again'?
Mitchell: (glances at the guest, Simon) ...I was obviously delighted by the prospect of furthering my acquaintance with Simon.
To continue the week's unexpected but not unwelcome theme of The Comedy World Bends To Riona's Will, valderys was kind enough to bring me along to another Would I Lie to You? recording on Sunday, and Charlie Brooker was there. He was on Lee Mack's team as well, so he could shout at David Mitchell, which is always a plus.
Other guests were Gregg Wallace of MasterChef, Nina Wadia of EastEnders and Nigel Havers, who has appeared in various things. But Charlie Brooker was there, so they aren't important.
Here is my report!
Prior to the show, Mitchell was having his microphone adjusted by stagehands. The microphone came on just in time for us to hear this:
Mitchell: Feel free to fiddle with it as much as you like. (looks up at audience laughter) I'm not talking about my penis. For once.
Wallace's first claim: 'When I make toast, I always do it by ironing the bread. It tastes much better that way.'
Brooker: Do you ever butter the bread before you iron it?
Wallace: No, 'course not.
Brooker: Right. Because that would be ridiculous.
Mitchell: I sometimes pop one of my shirts in the toaster, myself.
Wallace: It's really about flattening the bread.
Brooker: Bread is flat!
Mitchell: Bread isn't necessarily flat! Bread is flat if you slice it flat.
Mack: What are you doing, topiary?
Mack: (breaks off in the middle of talking about Pop-Tarts) Pop-Tarts, David. They're a thing that working-class people eat.
Wallace: I'm as working-class as they come, and I've never heard of-
Mack: YOU IRON BREAD.
Mack: Do you use the same iron to iron your clothes?
Wallace: 'Course not. I don't want bits of bread all over my shirts.
Mitchell: Well, of course. I never use my shirt toaster for making toast.
Wallace said that sometimes he'd 'iron' the bread with a heated fish slice.
Brooker: I'm not sure I buy the heating up a fish slice thing.
Mitchell: But that wasn't the assertion. The assertion was that he irons his bread.
Brooker: Are you his lawyer?
Mitchell: For the purposes of this, yes, if necessary. (to Wallace) Am I permitted to represent you?
Havers: I suppose it's like an Aga stove, isn't it? You have the hot, flat surface...
Mack: This is the most middle-class thing I've ever heard.
Havers: Have you ever seen an Aga?
Mack: I'll have you know I've broken into some very nice houses.
Mitchell: What you need is two irons, one on either side of the bread. Or you could use a sandwich toaster and then remove the filling.
Mack: OR YOU COULD USE A TOASTER.
Mack: Have you ever tried steaming a salmon in the dishwasher?
Mitchell: Could you somehow coax the salmon up through the water system? Then, once it's in the dishwasher (mimes doors slamming shut on three sides with a 'ker-chunk' noise). You could be the Bond villain of their tiny fish world.
Mack: You've only got to close one door on a dishwasher, though, haven't you?
Mitchell: Your dishwasher only has one door? You're so common.
Brooker: I don't believe it's true, because you'd have to be crazy to toast bread...
Mitchell: What, to toast bread at all?
Brooker: (bellows) I HADN'T FINISHED! Don't try to make me look a fool!
Mack: First lesson you learn on here: never take a breath in the middle of a sentence.
Havers: I once went on a date with a flamenco dancer, only to find out she was a man.
Mack: Where were you?
Havers: ...I was in Spain.
(laughter)
Mack: I don't know why you're laughing; that's not where flamingoes are from.
Mitchell: That'd be a hell of a twist.
Mack: Twist? She turned out to be a man.
Mitchell: How is turning out to be a flamingo not a larger twist? 'Oh, well, it's a flamingo, but at least it's a female flamingo.'
Havers explained that, upon his realisation, he left as quickly as he could.
Mack: I don't think it's true, because Nigel comes across as quite a polite man, and he was probably even more polite in his youth. I think he'd have just gone through with it.
Brydon: Would he have taken that long to notice? (to Wadia) What do you think? You're a woman.
Wadia: I am. Hopefully.
Later, when there was an issue with Wadia's microphone:
Wadia: Is my penis getting in the way?
Mack: I hope they use that one for the trailer.
I can't remember exactly how this came about, but:
Mitchell: (pretending to be Mack reading out a claim) 'I regularly have sex with animals.' (pushing the 'reveal' button) 'I have to tell you that it is, in fact, true. I have screwed many a zebra.'
Later, in response to Brydon's claim that he'd attempted to coax a lion over so he could stroke it at a safari (more on that later in the entry):
Brydon: There was another honeymooning couple in the Jeep with us. They were awful.
Havers: What if they're watching?
Brydon: They were so horrible that I won't even feel bad. In fact, I hope they are, so they can see this: (gives the camera the finger). There's a reason I never replied to your e-mails.
Mack: You couldn't type properly with your fingers missing.
Mitchell: I'm surprised you think a lion would be satisfied with only a finger.
Mack: I've managed it.
Mitchell: They really do need to start putting these facts on your cards.
Brooker claimed to have once refused to meet a girlfriend at the train station because he was too afraid to step over a spider that was between him and his front door.
Mitchell: I don't like spiders at all, but I don't think I'm as scared of them as you are. I think they're basically monsters, but the thing is that they are very, very small ones. What I am afraid of are those poisonous ones you get in Australia, the ones that jump out of the toilet and bite you on the arse just when you're at your most relaxed.
Brydon: Can I ask, David, is that the only time you're ever truly relaxed?
Mitchell: Not even then am I completely relaxed.
The 'This Is My...' guest was a man named John.
Mack: This is John, and I'm his rent boy.
He quickly revised this to 'This is John, and he's my rent boy', and then 'This is John; he's the previous owner of my house, and he still sometimes comes over to lie in the garden on sunny days.'
Mitchell: Why do you allow this man to lie in your garden? (narrowing eyes) And don't say it's because you're kind, because I know you.
Brooker's 'This Is My...' claim: 'This is John, and on Valentine's Day when I was seventeen I presented him with a dustbin for his daughter.'
Mitchell: Was it a used dustbin?
Brooker: (scornfully) Don't be stupid.
Mitchell: (holds up his hands) ...okay.
Mitchell: Was there anything special about this bin? Was it wrapped?
Brooker: I'd tied it up in a red ribbon. And I'd put her initials on it in gold letters.
Mitchell: Oh, yes, because you can have a personalised message embossed on a bin, can't you? I've heard there are many companies that will do that for bins.
Brooker: Don't be facetious! I bought some letters from WH Smith and stuck them on.
Mitchell: You bought some letters from WH Smith?
Brooker: You don't have a shred of romance in your soul, do you?
Mitchell: How far exactly did you carry this bin? (grinning) How far did you hump this bin down the street?
Brooker: Oh, I'm glad my torment amuses you, you nasty little man.
Mack: I've got to write this down.
Mitchell: How was the bin received?
Mack: 'Oh, not another one.'
Mitchell: (laughs) 'Put it in with the others.'
Brydon: You hired a taxi to take this bin to her house?
Brooker: (bellows) I WAS IN LOVE! People fight and die for love, and here you are, mocking me because I hired a cab.
Mitchell: (trying to determine who's telling the truth) You see, Charlie really did seem quite passionate in defending this romantic gesture.
Brooker: That's what having emotions is like.
Mitchell: I often wonder. The question is, is that real emotion, or...?
Brooker: Welcome to every relationship I've ever had.
As it turned out, the bin story was true! They actually brought the bin onto the set at the end of the round.
Brooker: Seeing that bin again is one of the sweetest things that has ever happened to me.
I was expecting a joke, but no; it was a sincere statement. Charlie Brooker, you are such a romantic. It's endearing.
The 'random' ('It's not really random,' Brydon confided, to no one's surprise) selector landed on Lee Mack in the Quickfire Lies round, but he didn't realise at first and just sat there looking vacant. They had to take it again.
Brydon: Let's see who's first up.
(the selector lights flash around the panel)
Mitchell: Bet it's Lee.
(everyone cracks up; another retake is necessary)
Mitchell: (to Mack) Why do you wash with bubble bath in the shower?
Mack: Oh, you're just like my wife. In so many ways. I thought I recognised the back of your head.
Mitchell: (cackles)
Mitchell's claim: 'My parents forced me to have my kitchen redone because it was embarrassing them.'
Mitchell: The old kitchen had several plastic units, whose - whose? Yes, I like to give my kitchen units personalities. Brenda, where the pans go...
Mack: 'Terry the toaster hasn't had much to do lately; Ian the iron is getting all the action.'
Mitchell: Terry the toaster? I name my units; I'm not mad.
Brooker: Was this a hygiene issue?
Mack: How rich do you think his parents are? 'This kitchen's filthy; get a new one.'
Brooker: How much time do you actually spend in your kitchen?
Mitchell: Not that much. Although, that said, it is the kitchen in my flat, so I spend more time there than I do at Notre Dame Cathedral. Of all the rooms I've ever been in, it's probably in the top ten in terms of time I've spent there. Although there were all the rooms in my childhood home; think of all the hours I spent in my bedroom at my parents' house when I was growing up.
(the other team attempt to continue their questioning; Mitchell interrupts them)
Mitchell: We can work this out! If we think about it, we can work out which room I've spent the greatest number of hours in.
Mack: The public toilets at Shepherd's Bush.
Brydon: Did you have an island put in?
Mitchell: An island? I'm not a god. I'm not building a world. 'Yes, I'll just have an island here, a lagoon there...'
Brydon: Sometimes there's a collection of several units in the centre of a kitchen, forming a work surface. It's called an island.
Mitchell: Oh. Well, I don't think there would be room for an island in my kitchen. At most a peninsula.
Brooker: What's the most complicated thing you do in your kitchen?
Mitchell: Well... I mean... worry about death?
Mitchell: I'm embarrassed basically all the time. Embarrassment isn't some terrible thing; that's just how you know you're awake.
Brooker: You mess.
Mack: What do you think?
Wadia: I think he's lying, because his eyes get really big when he's lying.
Mack: Yes, but they also do that when he's aroused. So is he lying, is he aroused or is he both like last week at my house when he said he loved me?
Brydon: Next up... (light stops at his desk) Oh, that's me.
Mitchell: You won't be angry if we ask you questions, will you? Because last series, questioning you from both sides - I felt we were annoying you.
Brydon: You were.
Mitchell: But we sort of have to. Please don't take it personally if we think you might be lying.
Brydon: I was once told off by a safari guide for whistling at some lions.
Mack: Where was this?
Brydon: At a safari.
Mitchell: On safari, surely? A safari isn't a place you go to. You can't go up and knock on a safari door. 'Oh, there's the safari, right next to the newsagent's.'
Brydon: On a safari.
Later:
Mack: (to Mitchell) Have you ever knocked on a safari door?
Mitchell: Yes, but only after hours.
Mack: After our what? When did I go on a safari with you? I don't remember this. Was this after you told me to smell that cloth?
Mitchell: You've got to stop implying that I keep drugging and fucking you.
Mack: I'll stop implying it if you stop doing it.
Mitchell: (throws up his hands) You rape a colleague once...
Havers: I once had to cut short a swimming-with-dolphins holiday after a particular dolphin took against me.
Mack: For what porpoise?
(GROANS)
Brooker claimed to be the star of an upcoming iPhone game called Charlie Brooker: Goose Hunter.
Mitchell: Why did they approach you to do this game? Why not Ulrika Jonsson?
Brooker: Because I'm known to be a bit of a nerd - I like videogames and things - and because I hate animals.
Brooker: There were some scripted lines, and then they asked me to ad-lib what I would say if I was trying to kill some geese. It was a very weird day.
Towards the end of the episode, Brydon said something that Mack failed to get.
Brydon: I was using irony.
Mack: Oh. I use a toaster.
Thank you so much to valderys for the ticket! (How are you so addictive, comedy recordings?) I hope you all enjoy the writeup.
Also, during the 'This Is My...' round:
Coren: (interrogating Mitchell) All right. One question, and you have to answer this honestly.
Mitchell: Yes. No! No, I don't have to answer it honestly!
Coren: When the producers said 'we're going to bring on the man who has a tattoo of you on one knee and Robert Webb on the other', was your reaction 'oh, good; I'd like to meet him again'?
Mitchell: (glances at the guest, Simon) ...I was obviously delighted by the prospect of furthering my acquaintance with Simon.
To continue the week's unexpected but not unwelcome theme of The Comedy World Bends To Riona's Will, valderys was kind enough to bring me along to another Would I Lie to You? recording on Sunday, and Charlie Brooker was there. He was on Lee Mack's team as well, so he could shout at David Mitchell, which is always a plus.
Other guests were Gregg Wallace of MasterChef, Nina Wadia of EastEnders and Nigel Havers, who has appeared in various things. But Charlie Brooker was there, so they aren't important.
Here is my report!
Prior to the show, Mitchell was having his microphone adjusted by stagehands. The microphone came on just in time for us to hear this:
Mitchell: Feel free to fiddle with it as much as you like. (looks up at audience laughter) I'm not talking about my penis. For once.
Wallace's first claim: 'When I make toast, I always do it by ironing the bread. It tastes much better that way.'
Brooker: Do you ever butter the bread before you iron it?
Wallace: No, 'course not.
Brooker: Right. Because that would be ridiculous.
Mitchell: I sometimes pop one of my shirts in the toaster, myself.
Wallace: It's really about flattening the bread.
Brooker: Bread is flat!
Mitchell: Bread isn't necessarily flat! Bread is flat if you slice it flat.
Mack: What are you doing, topiary?
Mack: (breaks off in the middle of talking about Pop-Tarts) Pop-Tarts, David. They're a thing that working-class people eat.
Wallace: I'm as working-class as they come, and I've never heard of-
Mack: YOU IRON BREAD.
Mack: Do you use the same iron to iron your clothes?
Wallace: 'Course not. I don't want bits of bread all over my shirts.
Mitchell: Well, of course. I never use my shirt toaster for making toast.
Wallace said that sometimes he'd 'iron' the bread with a heated fish slice.
Brooker: I'm not sure I buy the heating up a fish slice thing.
Mitchell: But that wasn't the assertion. The assertion was that he irons his bread.
Brooker: Are you his lawyer?
Mitchell: For the purposes of this, yes, if necessary. (to Wallace) Am I permitted to represent you?
Havers: I suppose it's like an Aga stove, isn't it? You have the hot, flat surface...
Mack: This is the most middle-class thing I've ever heard.
Havers: Have you ever seen an Aga?
Mack: I'll have you know I've broken into some very nice houses.
Mitchell: What you need is two irons, one on either side of the bread. Or you could use a sandwich toaster and then remove the filling.
Mack: OR YOU COULD USE A TOASTER.
Mack: Have you ever tried steaming a salmon in the dishwasher?
Mitchell: Could you somehow coax the salmon up through the water system? Then, once it's in the dishwasher (mimes doors slamming shut on three sides with a 'ker-chunk' noise). You could be the Bond villain of their tiny fish world.
Mack: You've only got to close one door on a dishwasher, though, haven't you?
Mitchell: Your dishwasher only has one door? You're so common.
Brooker: I don't believe it's true, because you'd have to be crazy to toast bread...
Mitchell: What, to toast bread at all?
Brooker: (bellows) I HADN'T FINISHED! Don't try to make me look a fool!
Mack: First lesson you learn on here: never take a breath in the middle of a sentence.
Havers: I once went on a date with a flamenco dancer, only to find out she was a man.
Mack: Where were you?
Havers: ...I was in Spain.
(laughter)
Mack: I don't know why you're laughing; that's not where flamingoes are from.
Mitchell: That'd be a hell of a twist.
Mack: Twist? She turned out to be a man.
Mitchell: How is turning out to be a flamingo not a larger twist? 'Oh, well, it's a flamingo, but at least it's a female flamingo.'
Havers explained that, upon his realisation, he left as quickly as he could.
Mack: I don't think it's true, because Nigel comes across as quite a polite man, and he was probably even more polite in his youth. I think he'd have just gone through with it.
Brydon: Would he have taken that long to notice? (to Wadia) What do you think? You're a woman.
Wadia: I am. Hopefully.
Later, when there was an issue with Wadia's microphone:
Wadia: Is my penis getting in the way?
Mack: I hope they use that one for the trailer.
I can't remember exactly how this came about, but:
Mitchell: (pretending to be Mack reading out a claim) 'I regularly have sex with animals.' (pushing the 'reveal' button) 'I have to tell you that it is, in fact, true. I have screwed many a zebra.'
Later, in response to Brydon's claim that he'd attempted to coax a lion over so he could stroke it at a safari (more on that later in the entry):
Brydon: There was another honeymooning couple in the Jeep with us. They were awful.
Havers: What if they're watching?
Brydon: They were so horrible that I won't even feel bad. In fact, I hope they are, so they can see this: (gives the camera the finger). There's a reason I never replied to your e-mails.
Mack: You couldn't type properly with your fingers missing.
Mitchell: I'm surprised you think a lion would be satisfied with only a finger.
Mack: I've managed it.
Mitchell: They really do need to start putting these facts on your cards.
Brooker claimed to have once refused to meet a girlfriend at the train station because he was too afraid to step over a spider that was between him and his front door.
Mitchell: I don't like spiders at all, but I don't think I'm as scared of them as you are. I think they're basically monsters, but the thing is that they are very, very small ones. What I am afraid of are those poisonous ones you get in Australia, the ones that jump out of the toilet and bite you on the arse just when you're at your most relaxed.
Brydon: Can I ask, David, is that the only time you're ever truly relaxed?
Mitchell: Not even then am I completely relaxed.
The 'This Is My...' guest was a man named John.
Mack: This is John, and I'm his rent boy.
He quickly revised this to 'This is John, and he's my rent boy', and then 'This is John; he's the previous owner of my house, and he still sometimes comes over to lie in the garden on sunny days.'
Mitchell: Why do you allow this man to lie in your garden? (narrowing eyes) And don't say it's because you're kind, because I know you.
Brooker's 'This Is My...' claim: 'This is John, and on Valentine's Day when I was seventeen I presented him with a dustbin for his daughter.'
Mitchell: Was it a used dustbin?
Brooker: (scornfully) Don't be stupid.
Mitchell: (holds up his hands) ...okay.
Mitchell: Was there anything special about this bin? Was it wrapped?
Brooker: I'd tied it up in a red ribbon. And I'd put her initials on it in gold letters.
Mitchell: Oh, yes, because you can have a personalised message embossed on a bin, can't you? I've heard there are many companies that will do that for bins.
Brooker: Don't be facetious! I bought some letters from WH Smith and stuck them on.
Mitchell: You bought some letters from WH Smith?
Brooker: You don't have a shred of romance in your soul, do you?
Mitchell: How far exactly did you carry this bin? (grinning) How far did you hump this bin down the street?
Brooker: Oh, I'm glad my torment amuses you, you nasty little man.
Mack: I've got to write this down.
Mitchell: How was the bin received?
Mack: 'Oh, not another one.'
Mitchell: (laughs) 'Put it in with the others.'
Brydon: You hired a taxi to take this bin to her house?
Brooker: (bellows) I WAS IN LOVE! People fight and die for love, and here you are, mocking me because I hired a cab.
Mitchell: (trying to determine who's telling the truth) You see, Charlie really did seem quite passionate in defending this romantic gesture.
Brooker: That's what having emotions is like.
Mitchell: I often wonder. The question is, is that real emotion, or...?
Brooker: Welcome to every relationship I've ever had.
As it turned out, the bin story was true! They actually brought the bin onto the set at the end of the round.
Brooker: Seeing that bin again is one of the sweetest things that has ever happened to me.
I was expecting a joke, but no; it was a sincere statement. Charlie Brooker, you are such a romantic. It's endearing.
The 'random' ('It's not really random,' Brydon confided, to no one's surprise) selector landed on Lee Mack in the Quickfire Lies round, but he didn't realise at first and just sat there looking vacant. They had to take it again.
Brydon: Let's see who's first up.
(the selector lights flash around the panel)
Mitchell: Bet it's Lee.
(everyone cracks up; another retake is necessary)
Mitchell: (to Mack) Why do you wash with bubble bath in the shower?
Mack: Oh, you're just like my wife. In so many ways. I thought I recognised the back of your head.
Mitchell: (cackles)
Mitchell's claim: 'My parents forced me to have my kitchen redone because it was embarrassing them.'
Mitchell: The old kitchen had several plastic units, whose - whose? Yes, I like to give my kitchen units personalities. Brenda, where the pans go...
Mack: 'Terry the toaster hasn't had much to do lately; Ian the iron is getting all the action.'
Mitchell: Terry the toaster? I name my units; I'm not mad.
Brooker: Was this a hygiene issue?
Mack: How rich do you think his parents are? 'This kitchen's filthy; get a new one.'
Brooker: How much time do you actually spend in your kitchen?
Mitchell: Not that much. Although, that said, it is the kitchen in my flat, so I spend more time there than I do at Notre Dame Cathedral. Of all the rooms I've ever been in, it's probably in the top ten in terms of time I've spent there. Although there were all the rooms in my childhood home; think of all the hours I spent in my bedroom at my parents' house when I was growing up.
(the other team attempt to continue their questioning; Mitchell interrupts them)
Mitchell: We can work this out! If we think about it, we can work out which room I've spent the greatest number of hours in.
Mack: The public toilets at Shepherd's Bush.
Brydon: Did you have an island put in?
Mitchell: An island? I'm not a god. I'm not building a world. 'Yes, I'll just have an island here, a lagoon there...'
Brydon: Sometimes there's a collection of several units in the centre of a kitchen, forming a work surface. It's called an island.
Mitchell: Oh. Well, I don't think there would be room for an island in my kitchen. At most a peninsula.
Brooker: What's the most complicated thing you do in your kitchen?
Mitchell: Well... I mean... worry about death?
Mitchell: I'm embarrassed basically all the time. Embarrassment isn't some terrible thing; that's just how you know you're awake.
Brooker: You mess.
Mack: What do you think?
Wadia: I think he's lying, because his eyes get really big when he's lying.
Mack: Yes, but they also do that when he's aroused. So is he lying, is he aroused or is he both like last week at my house when he said he loved me?
Brydon: Next up... (light stops at his desk) Oh, that's me.
Mitchell: You won't be angry if we ask you questions, will you? Because last series, questioning you from both sides - I felt we were annoying you.
Brydon: You were.
Mitchell: But we sort of have to. Please don't take it personally if we think you might be lying.
Brydon: I was once told off by a safari guide for whistling at some lions.
Mack: Where was this?
Brydon: At a safari.
Mitchell: On safari, surely? A safari isn't a place you go to. You can't go up and knock on a safari door. 'Oh, there's the safari, right next to the newsagent's.'
Brydon: On a safari.
Later:
Mack: (to Mitchell) Have you ever knocked on a safari door?
Mitchell: Yes, but only after hours.
Mack: After our what? When did I go on a safari with you? I don't remember this. Was this after you told me to smell that cloth?
Mitchell: You've got to stop implying that I keep drugging and fucking you.
Mack: I'll stop implying it if you stop doing it.
Mitchell: (throws up his hands) You rape a colleague once...
Havers: I once had to cut short a swimming-with-dolphins holiday after a particular dolphin took against me.
Mack: For what porpoise?
(GROANS)
Brooker claimed to be the star of an upcoming iPhone game called Charlie Brooker: Goose Hunter.
Mitchell: Why did they approach you to do this game? Why not Ulrika Jonsson?
Brooker: Because I'm known to be a bit of a nerd - I like videogames and things - and because I hate animals.
Brooker: There were some scripted lines, and then they asked me to ad-lib what I would say if I was trying to kill some geese. It was a very weird day.
Towards the end of the episode, Brydon said something that Mack failed to get.
Brydon: I was using irony.
Mack: Oh. I use a toaster.
Thank you so much to valderys for the ticket! (How are you so addictive, comedy recordings?) I hope you all enjoy the writeup.