And You Are, Of Course, Kidding.
Well, it's been over a year since I last looked at my only successful attempt at the National Novel Writing Month challenge, and so now I naturally have to summarise it sarcastically. BECAUSE I CAN.
Avarus: I AM EXTREMELY A HERO.
Tai: You're really a bit useless at being a hero.
Avarus: SHUT UP, TAI.
Renée: I hate everyone.
Everyone: The feeling is mutual.
Renée: I especially hate you, you useless Avarus person.
Avarus: I would very much like to punch you in the face. By the way, here's my home address.
Tai: ...you did WHAT?
Avarus: Um, I think we should probably get out of here before that girl comes back to kill us.
Tai: I hate you so much.
Avarus and Tai: We are totally subtexting it up.
Riona: This is not supposed to happen.
Avarus: NOW WE ARE ON A QUEST. A HEROIC QUEST.
Everyone: Yeah, Avarus, whatever.
Avarus: I'm going to kill the Evil Overlord. But I'm not quite sure which direction I should go in in order to achieve this. Let's just follow that weird girl.
Tai: ...and you've been planning this quest for how many years?
(Risiko: If I'm supposed to be so smart, and I'm trying so hard to prevent ill-feeling towards me, why did I give myself the job title of 'Evil Overlord'? Something's not quite right there.)
Renée: Hello again! By the way, I still hate you.
Avarus: I still hate you too.
Tai: ...what the hell is going on?
Renée: I used to be part of the Evil Overlord's elite forces.
Avarus: Yeah, I kind of figured that out already.
Riona: You'll probably want to keep a record of the fact that Avarus figured something out. Because he is incredibly thick.
Renée: Now I want to kill the Evil Overlord, because he tried to kill me. Even though we despise each other, let's travel together!
Avarus: Hooray!
Renée: By the way, we're going to have to go a really really long way out of our way to get the only weapon that can kill the Evil Overlord. You know it's true because the weapon belonged to a fictional character!
Avarus: Hooray again!
Avarus' Backpack: I am briefly mentioned and then never show up again. Did I evaporate or something? What was Avarus carrying in me, anyway? The world may never know.
Renée: It may interest you to know that we have taken a wrong turning and are now heading towards an evil town of evil that is in no way ripped off from Silent Hill.
Tai: ...excuse me what the hell?
Avarus: Why, yes, I think that we should endanger our lives just to get to our destination sooner.
Tai: You are both idiots.
Renée: There is a person with my name in the mysterious diary we just found in the evil town of evil. You'd probably think that this is something shifty, but it isn't. It's genuine coincidence. It is never mentioned again.
Rakuni's Diary: I manage to rip off two of kadrin's fanfics at once!
Tai: Efficient! Also, augh.
Avarus: I think that an exercise machine killed off the entire population of this town.
Tai: I'm not speaking to you any more.
Avarus: Dammit, I've been kidnapped.
Actual Line From The NaNo: Kidnapping certainly seemed to be the only reasonable explanation by now, unless one of his companions had abruptly developed a strong attraction to him and a hitherto nonexistent love of bondage.
Riona: ...I so don't remember writing that.
Tai: Dammit, Avarus has been kidnapped. And we were just about to get out of the evil town of evil, too.
Renée: Let's just carry on.
Tai: NO AVARUS IS MY ONE AND ONLY LOVE I CANNOT ABANDON HIM *soaring romantic music*
Renée: Fine, fine, just stop whining.
Kessari: Hi, Avarus. I've kidnapped you and am a member of the Evil Overlord's elite forces.
Avarus: As I am gagged, I can only respond by humming.
Kessari: I shall ungag you because your humming sucks.
Avarus: Is my humming really that bad? I am distressed!
Kessari: Way to pick your priorities, Avarus. By the way, Risiko is pretty much the nicest person ever.
Avarus: MY WORLD IS TURNING UPSIDE-DOWN
Kessari: Um, are you okay?
Avarus: STOP BEING NICE TO ME IT IS CONFUSING
Large Gap In The Storyline: Yeah, Riona never actually finished the story. Avarus is probably kind of rescued or something. They get out of the evil town of evil.
Tai: ...It suddenly occurs to me to ask why, exactly, we did not take a train to this point in the journey, as it was shown very close to the beginning of the NaNo that trains exist in this world.
Avarus: REAL HEROES WALK.
Riona: I get to write ‘the train system meant that they would have to Walk Heroically to their goal’. This is, I think, the pinnacle of my existence.
Renée: ARGH DRAGON
Avarus: Don’t be silly, dragons don’t exiARGH DRAGON
Tai: Um, I think we’d better run.
Avarus: ALL THE REAL HEROES SLAY DRAGONS.
Tai: YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST PERSON EVER.
Dragon: Right, you’re not any threat to my eggs. Just checking. I’ll be off now. *flies away*
Everyone: ...
Tai: Well, that was pointless.
Avarus: ...I can’t believe the dragon didn’t give me a chance to heroically kill it.
Tai: I can’t believe you’re complaining about this.
Absolutely, Ridiculously Enormous Gap In The Storyline: During this time, our heroes probably visit a town, cross a huge expanse of grass, enter a mountain range, retrieve the Sword of Hero (‘the only weapon that can defeat the Evil Overlord’, apparently), make their way to some snowy fields and somehow enter Risiko’s tower, which hovers far too high for human access. I don’t know how. Maybe they roped that dragon into helping them or something. Seriously, I don’t know. Stop looking at me like that.
Avarus: So here we are, in the control room of the Evil Overlord Risiko’s tower!
Tai: Why does a tower need a control room?
Avarus: To house the Self-Destruct button for which I am now searching.
Renée: Don’t be stupid. Why would Risiko have an easy way of blowing up his own -
Avarus: FOUND IT. *presses*
Renée: ...what the hell?
Avarus: We have to set the time for the bomb. Now I’m going to be heroic and noble and self-sacrificing! Go on without me, my friends! It is for the greater good that I blow myself up with my enemy! *strikes dramatic pose*
Tai: I am so not going to let you do this.
Avarus: It’s the only way!
Actual Line In The NaNo: “You can’t just play the self-sacrificing hero here,” he said, trying as hard as he could to ignore the of course he can, what are you saying? look that Renée was sending him.
Avarus: But it will mean that fewer people have to die! Isn’t it what we want?
Tai: It isn’t what I want.
Riona: You know, if my NaNo were a fandom, I think all the slash fangirls would have just died by now.
Risiko’s Guards: Hey, guess what? The self-destruct button actually activated an alarm, and while you were arguing over whether Avarus was going to blow himself up you gave us the time to catch you!
Avarus: ...crap.
Risiko: Hi!
Avarus: Um, hi. This is a pretty nice prison.
Risiko: And I’m a pretty nice Evil Overlord!
Avarus: ...I am so confused!
Risiko: Friendly banter?
Avarus: So confused.
Risiko: Hey, Avarus, anything that you want?
Avarus: MY ONLY WISH IS TO SEE TAI.
Risiko: For various reasons, I have to temporarily lower the levels of oxygen in the prison in order to get Tai into your cell.
Avarus: I find the fact that you can control the levels of oxygen in here really creepy.
Risiko: I think that Riona keeps on trying to justify my Evil Overlord title by shoehorning in mild hints of evilness.
Avarus: It’s really not working.
Gap In The Story Of Moderate Size: Renée probably breaks Avarus and Tai out of prison. Avarus flees to a Dramatic Cliff. Risiko follows.
Avarus: I CHALLENGE YOU TO FIGHT ME ON THIS DRAMATIC CLIFF.
Risiko: No.
Avarus: ...what?
Risiko: Also, that sword you spent ages questing for isn’t the only thing that can kill me. I’m only human, Avarus.
Tai: ...so, um, the entire quest was pointless?
Avarus: ...what?
Tai: So you really weren’t a hero, after all. Heh. Kind of funny, when you think about it.
Risiko: Imprisonment or death?
Avarus: I WILL NEVER SURREN
Tai: Imprisonment, please.
Avarus: ...so we just stay in prison for the rest of our lives? That’s a bit of an anticlimax, isn’t it?
Tai: *shrugs*
Riona: Why, no, I don’t know what happened to Renée.
THE END
If anyone’s actually interested in reading that mess, I could create a filter and post it in instalments behind it, but it may not be a very good idea.
Avarus: I AM EXTREMELY A HERO.
Tai: You're really a bit useless at being a hero.
Avarus: SHUT UP, TAI.
Renée: I hate everyone.
Everyone: The feeling is mutual.
Renée: I especially hate you, you useless Avarus person.
Avarus: I would very much like to punch you in the face. By the way, here's my home address.
Tai: ...you did WHAT?
Avarus: Um, I think we should probably get out of here before that girl comes back to kill us.
Tai: I hate you so much.
Avarus and Tai: We are totally subtexting it up.
Riona: This is not supposed to happen.
Avarus: NOW WE ARE ON A QUEST. A HEROIC QUEST.
Everyone: Yeah, Avarus, whatever.
Avarus: I'm going to kill the Evil Overlord. But I'm not quite sure which direction I should go in in order to achieve this. Let's just follow that weird girl.
Tai: ...and you've been planning this quest for how many years?
(Risiko: If I'm supposed to be so smart, and I'm trying so hard to prevent ill-feeling towards me, why did I give myself the job title of 'Evil Overlord'? Something's not quite right there.)
Renée: Hello again! By the way, I still hate you.
Avarus: I still hate you too.
Tai: ...what the hell is going on?
Renée: I used to be part of the Evil Overlord's elite forces.
Avarus: Yeah, I kind of figured that out already.
Riona: You'll probably want to keep a record of the fact that Avarus figured something out. Because he is incredibly thick.
Renée: Now I want to kill the Evil Overlord, because he tried to kill me. Even though we despise each other, let's travel together!
Avarus: Hooray!
Renée: By the way, we're going to have to go a really really long way out of our way to get the only weapon that can kill the Evil Overlord. You know it's true because the weapon belonged to a fictional character!
Avarus: Hooray again!
Avarus' Backpack: I am briefly mentioned and then never show up again. Did I evaporate or something? What was Avarus carrying in me, anyway? The world may never know.
Renée: It may interest you to know that we have taken a wrong turning and are now heading towards an evil town of evil that is in no way ripped off from Silent Hill.
Tai: ...excuse me what the hell?
Avarus: Why, yes, I think that we should endanger our lives just to get to our destination sooner.
Tai: You are both idiots.
Renée: There is a person with my name in the mysterious diary we just found in the evil town of evil. You'd probably think that this is something shifty, but it isn't. It's genuine coincidence. It is never mentioned again.
Rakuni's Diary: I manage to rip off two of kadrin's fanfics at once!
Tai: Efficient! Also, augh.
Avarus: I think that an exercise machine killed off the entire population of this town.
Tai: I'm not speaking to you any more.
Avarus: Dammit, I've been kidnapped.
Actual Line From The NaNo: Kidnapping certainly seemed to be the only reasonable explanation by now, unless one of his companions had abruptly developed a strong attraction to him and a hitherto nonexistent love of bondage.
Riona: ...I so don't remember writing that.
Tai: Dammit, Avarus has been kidnapped. And we were just about to get out of the evil town of evil, too.
Renée: Let's just carry on.
Tai: NO AVARUS IS MY ONE AND ONLY LOVE I CANNOT ABANDON HIM *soaring romantic music*
Renée: Fine, fine, just stop whining.
Kessari: Hi, Avarus. I've kidnapped you and am a member of the Evil Overlord's elite forces.
Avarus: As I am gagged, I can only respond by humming.
Kessari: I shall ungag you because your humming sucks.
Avarus: Is my humming really that bad? I am distressed!
Kessari: Way to pick your priorities, Avarus. By the way, Risiko is pretty much the nicest person ever.
Avarus: MY WORLD IS TURNING UPSIDE-DOWN
Kessari: Um, are you okay?
Avarus: STOP BEING NICE TO ME IT IS CONFUSING
Large Gap In The Storyline: Yeah, Riona never actually finished the story. Avarus is probably kind of rescued or something. They get out of the evil town of evil.
Tai: ...It suddenly occurs to me to ask why, exactly, we did not take a train to this point in the journey, as it was shown very close to the beginning of the NaNo that trains exist in this world.
Avarus: REAL HEROES WALK.
Riona: I get to write ‘the train system meant that they would have to Walk Heroically to their goal’. This is, I think, the pinnacle of my existence.
Renée: ARGH DRAGON
Avarus: Don’t be silly, dragons don’t exiARGH DRAGON
Tai: Um, I think we’d better run.
Avarus: ALL THE REAL HEROES SLAY DRAGONS.
Tai: YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST PERSON EVER.
Dragon: Right, you’re not any threat to my eggs. Just checking. I’ll be off now. *flies away*
Everyone: ...
Tai: Well, that was pointless.
Avarus: ...I can’t believe the dragon didn’t give me a chance to heroically kill it.
Tai: I can’t believe you’re complaining about this.
Absolutely, Ridiculously Enormous Gap In The Storyline: During this time, our heroes probably visit a town, cross a huge expanse of grass, enter a mountain range, retrieve the Sword of Hero (‘the only weapon that can defeat the Evil Overlord’, apparently), make their way to some snowy fields and somehow enter Risiko’s tower, which hovers far too high for human access. I don’t know how. Maybe they roped that dragon into helping them or something. Seriously, I don’t know. Stop looking at me like that.
Avarus: So here we are, in the control room of the Evil Overlord Risiko’s tower!
Tai: Why does a tower need a control room?
Avarus: To house the Self-Destruct button for which I am now searching.
Renée: Don’t be stupid. Why would Risiko have an easy way of blowing up his own -
Avarus: FOUND IT. *presses*
Renée: ...what the hell?
Avarus: We have to set the time for the bomb. Now I’m going to be heroic and noble and self-sacrificing! Go on without me, my friends! It is for the greater good that I blow myself up with my enemy! *strikes dramatic pose*
Tai: I am so not going to let you do this.
Avarus: It’s the only way!
Actual Line In The NaNo: “You can’t just play the self-sacrificing hero here,” he said, trying as hard as he could to ignore the of course he can, what are you saying? look that Renée was sending him.
Avarus: But it will mean that fewer people have to die! Isn’t it what we want?
Tai: It isn’t what I want.
Riona: You know, if my NaNo were a fandom, I think all the slash fangirls would have just died by now.
Risiko’s Guards: Hey, guess what? The self-destruct button actually activated an alarm, and while you were arguing over whether Avarus was going to blow himself up you gave us the time to catch you!
Avarus: ...crap.
Risiko: Hi!
Avarus: Um, hi. This is a pretty nice prison.
Risiko: And I’m a pretty nice Evil Overlord!
Avarus: ...I am so confused!
Risiko: Friendly banter?
Avarus: So confused.
Risiko: Hey, Avarus, anything that you want?
Avarus: MY ONLY WISH IS TO SEE TAI.
Risiko: For various reasons, I have to temporarily lower the levels of oxygen in the prison in order to get Tai into your cell.
Avarus: I find the fact that you can control the levels of oxygen in here really creepy.
Risiko: I think that Riona keeps on trying to justify my Evil Overlord title by shoehorning in mild hints of evilness.
Avarus: It’s really not working.
Gap In The Story Of Moderate Size: Renée probably breaks Avarus and Tai out of prison. Avarus flees to a Dramatic Cliff. Risiko follows.
Avarus: I CHALLENGE YOU TO FIGHT ME ON THIS DRAMATIC CLIFF.
Risiko: No.
Avarus: ...what?
Risiko: Also, that sword you spent ages questing for isn’t the only thing that can kill me. I’m only human, Avarus.
Tai: ...so, um, the entire quest was pointless?
Avarus: ...what?
Tai: So you really weren’t a hero, after all. Heh. Kind of funny, when you think about it.
Risiko: Imprisonment or death?
Avarus: I WILL NEVER SURREN
Tai: Imprisonment, please.
Avarus: ...so we just stay in prison for the rest of our lives? That’s a bit of an anticlimax, isn’t it?
Tai: *shrugs*
Riona: Why, no, I don’t know what happened to Renée.
THE END
If anyone’s actually interested in reading that mess, I could create a filter and post it in instalments behind it, but it may not be a very good idea.