The Answer, My Friends, Is Blowing In The Wind
"Canon" 'ship: The Doctor/Rose/Jack (Doctor Who). And, um, I’d like to elaborate, but I seriously think that I’ve run out of rambling. Suffice to say that the Doctor and Rose are adorable, and then they start to get kind of scary, and then Jack comes in and totally balances the relationship out and everything is wonderful with Jack and also hooray for subtext!
"Watch me trample over the established relationships!" 'ship: Macbeth/Banquo (Macbeth). YES I KNOW THAT THEY ARE BOTH MARRIED AND THAT BANQUO HAS A SON AND THAT IT MAKES VERY LITTLE SENSE AND THAT MACBETH HIRES PEOPLE TO DO THINGS TO BANQUO THAT ARE NOT USUALLY ASSOCIATED WITH LOVE. I CAN’T HELP IT. THE SHAKESPEARE-TOLD ADAPTATION WAS MADE BY RABID FANGIRLS I SWEAR WITH THE SHIRTLESSING AND THE MACBETH GRABBING BANQUO AND KISSING HIM IN THE HALLWAY AND THE ‘I’M CLEARLY MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU AND THAT’S WHY I’M GOING TO KILL YOU, THAT AND POWER’ SCENE AND I’M WEAK LEAVE ME ALONE.
"...WHY IS IT NOT ILLEGAL TO BE THAT CUTE?" 'ship: Tim/Dawn (The Office). After briefly lamenting the fact that none of the Office fanfiction in existence is about the English version (who are Jim and Pam? Are they the American equivalents of Tim and Dawn? TIM AND DAWN ARE THE BETTER NAMES HA. AND ALSO THEY ARE UNDOUBTEDLY CUTER BECAUSE NOBODY IS CUTER THAN TIM AND DAWN), I have to say that this is the most adorable pairing ever. They’re just so cute and awkward and I love them, I love them to death and I want them to keep being quietly jealous and playful and adorable at each other for ever.
"You are one sick bastard" 'ship: Tim/Gareth (The Office). Okay, I know that it’s weird and scary and that Tim is a nice young man and Gareth is the creepiest person who ever lived. I can’t help it. It’s a disease. Also Tim said he was giving out kisses for a pound on Red Nose Day, put a pound in himself for Gareth, forced himself upon him, and then didn’t kiss anyone else. SUSPICIOUS? oh god something is seriously wrong with me.
"It's like a car crash" 'ship: James/Pyramid Head (Silent Hill 2). Because there are some incredibly freaking cool aspects of it (James being assaulted by his own repressed sexual desires? SIGN ME UP. Um, I don’t mean that you should sign me up to be assaulted by my repressed sexual desires. Please don’t), but when all is said and done it’s James/Pyramid Head. JAMES/PYRAMID HEAD. PYRAMID HEAD IS REALLY FREAKING SCARY AND JAMES IS BATSHIT INSANE AND PAIRING PYRAMID HEAD UP WITH ANYTHING APART FROM TWINKLE THE CRYSTAL UNICORN IS BOUND TO RESULT IN HORRIFIC TWISTED SCARINESS.
"Makes no canon sense but why the hell not" 'ship: TORN/PECKER (Jak and Daxter series). THEIR NAMES ARE NOT CAPITALISED IN THE GAMES, I MERELY WRITE THE PAIRING IN CAPITALS TO EMPHASISE HOW MEANT-TO-BE IT IS. TORN IS THE ELF-LIKE LEADER OF A RESISTANCE FACTION. PECKER IS A PARROT-MONKEY HYBRID. THEY FIGHT COMMIT CRIME!
"Everyone else loves it but I just don't feel it" 'ship: Seifer/Squall (Final Fantasy VIII). I do like their relationship, but I can’t see it being romantic or sexual. I can see mutual respect and Seifer being someone Squall doesn’t need to push away, and so the only person he’s really close to prior to the game, even though they’re rivals. In fact, I’m going to quote something I said on them in a comment a while ago, because I am lazy:
I don't see any romance there, though. I can see mutual respect. I can see some degree of feeling betrayed on Squall's part when Seifer begins fighting for the Sorceress. I can see Seifer being necessary in Squall's life as a person who is, in a way, close to him - I think I read an essay on the Internet at some point that said that Squall isolates himself from the people he cares about, because he fears on some level that if he cares too much about them they will vanish as Ellone did. Seifer provides the only real human contact he has, because Squall does not regard him as a person who is hugely important to him, and so he does not need to push him away. Seifer can only be important to Squall because Squall doesn't think of him as being important to him, if that makes any sense whatsoever. Which it probably doesn't. I'm just rambling at this point.
"Yeah, I don’t think relationship counselling is going to solve that" 'ship: James/Mary (Silent Hill 2). BLAAAAAAAAARGH. And also awww. But mostly BLAAAAAAAARGH. Yeah, I’m getting really lazy on these answers. JUST WATCH NOW I WILL RAMBLE FOR EVER ON THIS LAST ONE:
"Brilliant when done well, truly awful when not" 'ship: Seifer/Zell (Final Fantasy VIII). And by ‘well’, of course, I mean ‘by thebaconfat’. Baco has written some absolutely fantastic Seifer/Zell fics, but alas you will have some difficulty finding them, because she took them down out of embarrassment. She took them down because she didn’t think they were good enough. THESE FICS WERE BETTER THAN PRACTICALLY ALL THE OTHER SEIFER/ZELL FICS OUT THERE PUT TOGETHER. There were no weepy confessions of love. They were in-character. They made sense. I have copies and distribute printouts of them on street corners to people desperately in need of good Seifer/Zell. THEY SAVE LIVES.
Possibly.
If I wanted to kill thebaconfat, I would put these fics up on the Internet with the following Author’s Note:
You should have been able to read these fanfics earlier. Do you know why you couldn’t? IT IS BECAUSE BACONFAT TOOK THEM DOWN. BACONFAT HAS BEEN WITHHOLDING THESE FICS FROM YOU. CLEARLY YOU SHOULD GO AND KILL HER. HER ADDRESS IS
...and then I would put her address there, but I cannot do that right now because I do not know her address. I intend to find it out, however. I intend to find out the addresses of a number of the people on my friendslist, because I have my Gap Year next year and I do not know what to do in it, and stalking you creepily and turning up unexpectedly at your door, possibly in a Pyramid Head costume, seems as viable an option as any.
So! I could easily have Baco killed, should I want to. But I would not do that any time soon, because I like her and also she writes very good fanfiction, and I have noticed that both the quantity and the quality of a person’s fanfiction tend to decrease somewhat after death. There have been some notable exceptions, but they have all been confined either to Spira or to Silent Hill.
An Example Of Fanfiction By A Dead Person:
ARE YOU MY MUMMY? ARE YOU MY MUMMY? ARE YOU MY MUMMY? MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY
So no, I will not kill thebaconfat yet. I will instead kidnap her and force her to work on my Seifer/Zell farm. Then there will be lots of good Seifer/Zell fic and everyone will be happy and I will be a zillionaire.
"Watch me trample over the established relationships!" 'ship: Macbeth/Banquo (Macbeth). YES I KNOW THAT THEY ARE BOTH MARRIED AND THAT BANQUO HAS A SON AND THAT IT MAKES VERY LITTLE SENSE AND THAT MACBETH HIRES PEOPLE TO DO THINGS TO BANQUO THAT ARE NOT USUALLY ASSOCIATED WITH LOVE. I CAN’T HELP IT. THE SHAKESPEARE-TOLD ADAPTATION WAS MADE BY RABID FANGIRLS I SWEAR WITH THE SHIRTLESSING AND THE MACBETH GRABBING BANQUO AND KISSING HIM IN THE HALLWAY AND THE ‘I’M CLEARLY MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU AND THAT’S WHY I’M GOING TO KILL YOU, THAT AND POWER’ SCENE AND I’M WEAK LEAVE ME ALONE.
"...WHY IS IT NOT ILLEGAL TO BE THAT CUTE?" 'ship: Tim/Dawn (The Office). After briefly lamenting the fact that none of the Office fanfiction in existence is about the English version (who are Jim and Pam? Are they the American equivalents of Tim and Dawn? TIM AND DAWN ARE THE BETTER NAMES HA. AND ALSO THEY ARE UNDOUBTEDLY CUTER BECAUSE NOBODY IS CUTER THAN TIM AND DAWN), I have to say that this is the most adorable pairing ever. They’re just so cute and awkward and I love them, I love them to death and I want them to keep being quietly jealous and playful and adorable at each other for ever.
"You are one sick bastard" 'ship: Tim/Gareth (The Office). Okay, I know that it’s weird and scary and that Tim is a nice young man and Gareth is the creepiest person who ever lived. I can’t help it. It’s a disease. Also Tim said he was giving out kisses for a pound on Red Nose Day, put a pound in himself for Gareth, forced himself upon him, and then didn’t kiss anyone else. SUSPICIOUS? oh god something is seriously wrong with me.
"It's like a car crash" 'ship: James/Pyramid Head (Silent Hill 2). Because there are some incredibly freaking cool aspects of it (James being assaulted by his own repressed sexual desires? SIGN ME UP. Um, I don’t mean that you should sign me up to be assaulted by my repressed sexual desires. Please don’t), but when all is said and done it’s James/Pyramid Head. JAMES/PYRAMID HEAD. PYRAMID HEAD IS REALLY FREAKING SCARY AND JAMES IS BATSHIT INSANE AND PAIRING PYRAMID HEAD UP WITH ANYTHING APART FROM TWINKLE THE CRYSTAL UNICORN IS BOUND TO RESULT IN HORRIFIC TWISTED SCARINESS.
"Makes no canon sense but why the hell not" 'ship: TORN/PECKER (Jak and Daxter series). THEIR NAMES ARE NOT CAPITALISED IN THE GAMES, I MERELY WRITE THE PAIRING IN CAPITALS TO EMPHASISE HOW MEANT-TO-BE IT IS. TORN IS THE ELF-LIKE LEADER OF A RESISTANCE FACTION. PECKER IS A PARROT-MONKEY HYBRID. THEY FIGHT COMMIT CRIME!
"Everyone else loves it but I just don't feel it" 'ship: Seifer/Squall (Final Fantasy VIII). I do like their relationship, but I can’t see it being romantic or sexual. I can see mutual respect and Seifer being someone Squall doesn’t need to push away, and so the only person he’s really close to prior to the game, even though they’re rivals. In fact, I’m going to quote something I said on them in a comment a while ago, because I am lazy:
I don't see any romance there, though. I can see mutual respect. I can see some degree of feeling betrayed on Squall's part when Seifer begins fighting for the Sorceress. I can see Seifer being necessary in Squall's life as a person who is, in a way, close to him - I think I read an essay on the Internet at some point that said that Squall isolates himself from the people he cares about, because he fears on some level that if he cares too much about them they will vanish as Ellone did. Seifer provides the only real human contact he has, because Squall does not regard him as a person who is hugely important to him, and so he does not need to push him away. Seifer can only be important to Squall because Squall doesn't think of him as being important to him, if that makes any sense whatsoever. Which it probably doesn't. I'm just rambling at this point.
"Yeah, I don’t think relationship counselling is going to solve that" 'ship: James/Mary (Silent Hill 2). BLAAAAAAAAARGH. And also awww. But mostly BLAAAAAAAARGH. Yeah, I’m getting really lazy on these answers. JUST WATCH NOW I WILL RAMBLE FOR EVER ON THIS LAST ONE:
"Brilliant when done well, truly awful when not" 'ship: Seifer/Zell (Final Fantasy VIII). And by ‘well’, of course, I mean ‘by thebaconfat’. Baco has written some absolutely fantastic Seifer/Zell fics, but alas you will have some difficulty finding them, because she took them down out of embarrassment. She took them down because she didn’t think they were good enough. THESE FICS WERE BETTER THAN PRACTICALLY ALL THE OTHER SEIFER/ZELL FICS OUT THERE PUT TOGETHER. There were no weepy confessions of love. They were in-character. They made sense. I have copies and distribute printouts of them on street corners to people desperately in need of good Seifer/Zell. THEY SAVE LIVES.
Possibly.
If I wanted to kill thebaconfat, I would put these fics up on the Internet with the following Author’s Note:
You should have been able to read these fanfics earlier. Do you know why you couldn’t? IT IS BECAUSE BACONFAT TOOK THEM DOWN. BACONFAT HAS BEEN WITHHOLDING THESE FICS FROM YOU. CLEARLY YOU SHOULD GO AND KILL HER. HER ADDRESS IS
...and then I would put her address there, but I cannot do that right now because I do not know her address. I intend to find it out, however. I intend to find out the addresses of a number of the people on my friendslist, because I have my Gap Year next year and I do not know what to do in it, and stalking you creepily and turning up unexpectedly at your door, possibly in a Pyramid Head costume, seems as viable an option as any.
So! I could easily have Baco killed, should I want to. But I would not do that any time soon, because I like her and also she writes very good fanfiction, and I have noticed that both the quantity and the quality of a person’s fanfiction tend to decrease somewhat after death. There have been some notable exceptions, but they have all been confined either to Spira or to Silent Hill.
An Example Of Fanfiction By A Dead Person:
ARE YOU MY MUMMY? ARE YOU MY MUMMY? ARE YOU MY MUMMY? MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY
So no, I will not kill thebaconfat yet. I will instead kidnap her and force her to work on my Seifer/Zell farm. Then there will be lots of good Seifer/Zell fic and everyone will be happy and I will be a zillionaire.