(no subject)
As of starting to type all this, the time is 5:28:32 am and counting.
And im awake.
Why?
Because i went to sleep at 6pm yesterday.
Didnt wake up till about midnight.
Again, why?
I was bored, couldnt think of anything to do.
Sure, there were things i COULD have done (play WoW (which i want to play my 70 ally' character, but im so fucking sick of the server im on i want to scream every time i log in. Or play my 16 horde mage, but from trying to get to 70 and just not playing, everyone is so far past me that getting anything done almost feels futile.), play some SF3...which normally is a good thing...but im kinda tired of playing against the same people, i know how they play too much and its kinda not really a challenge anymore (and im starting to get kinda tired of SF3 thought i still like it...but it just doesnt have the same...feeling to it anymore.), finally remake my iTunes/iPod/WinAmp play list like ive been meaning to (but too many songs i still need to go through/re-tag/fix the tags/etc etc etc), or do my sociology paper/do some of the math homework ive got/study for my music test coming up (but ill do it later...not feeling up to it right now...ya know?), etc etc etc) but i really didnt WANT to do them at that moment.
And for those of you that still talk to me/see me and such...you know ive not been doing too...hmm...well.
Though i shouldnt really put it like that.
It IS my fault most of you dont talk to me/come around anymore.
After all, i just just kinda gave up talking to/being around you.
...im sick of it really...
...of people that is.
Im really tired of being caught up in one case of drama to the next.
Im sick of things going unsaid between people (me and others, between each other, between them and me, them and others, etc etc etc).
Im tired of life constantly feeling like High School v2.0.
...im sick of Johnson City, TN...Tri-Cites, TN...Tennessee and all of the population dwelling within it...
Wait a second...let me rephrase that...
I am sick of being around people in general...
but with as much as i say that i want to leave and go someplace else...
...im not really sure if id be happier elsewhere at this point.
but...
I hate solitude.
I hate being alone (in every sense of the word.)
Its driving me insane.
Yeah, makes no sense does it?
Hating people but not wanting to be alone.
...
Wanna hear something else that doesnt make any sense?
That for all intents and purposes, ive been alright lately...
Seriously.
But i wont lie.
Ive been having serious thoughts about suicide again.
Though...why?
Why not?
I have no motivation for anything anymore...
I dont want to be in school...
I dont want to play games anymore...
Im getting sick of most of the music i listen to/most music in general...
I dont really like people anymore...
Id rather sleep than be around people/talk these days...
I hate going places usually...
Id rather be by myself a lot more than usual...
but in contrast...
I hate being in my room...but its safe there...
I not being around people...
I hate not going anywhere...
I want to get up/get out/do things...
I want to talk to people/meet new people...
I want to hear/play new things...
I want to feel like i belong around people again...
I dont want to think about dying...
I dont want to die.
...i dont want to be alone...
...but i dont have the motivation to change thoughts/feelings ive been having...
...i dont have the motivation to do anything anymore...
I dont have the motivation to even attempt to kill myself...
...but i dont realy have the motivation to live anymore either (not like i have much really to live for to be honest.)
Ive been thinking a lot lately...of going out for one of my walks that I do every now and then...
...but just not coming back.
Just leaving.
Take the $ ive got and just hop a bus or something to anywhere at all and just going wherever it takes me and seeing what i can do (which is a lot more than 99% of people give me credit for.)
Anyway...people do it every day...just leave and dont come back...completely change themselves/identities...and no one ever hears from them again or can find them at all...
Damn...sounds like a good option...
If i could motivate myself to do it.
But the chances of me doing it and actually succeeding are slim (too many people know who i am/what i look like), so why waste the effort?
Im a complete mess.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is where i end up when i keep everything in.
The fork-in-the-road and each path looks appealing.
But i dont have the strenght to move my legs and choose a direction.
This is what happens when i cant see myself anymore.
This is what happens when im awake at (now) 6:09:16 am (and counting) and thinking about all this.
But I cant really talk to people anymore.
Well...i couldnt really in the first place, and i never really have to begin with...
Well...not about everything.
What do i do to compensate?
I take a lot of my thoughts, write them on pieces of paper, read them once, then throw them away.
Oh, not in the trash bins and stuff here in the house...i take them with me and toss them in random cans/bins elsewhere.
Or i write in my other blog (not xanga) thats just for me to get things in my head out onto "paper" (its set to private and ive never told anyone what/where it is. and please dont ask to read it or anything.)
But yeah...im going out of my fucking mind.
I cant think correctly anymore.
I look in the mirror everyday and smile to myself, with the thought that "something good will happen to you today, and will change everything and give you the motivation to get off your ass and live."
Ive been doing that for years now.
I tried doing that when i woke up about midnight.
I smiled, which faded quickly and almost started crying.
Said to myself: "Rion, you're the best liar on the planet. You've been convincing yourself for years that things will and are getting better. You almost 100% started believing it too. You've gotta stop and realize that they arent. You're 26 now (birthday was last tuesday (which sucked in general, but thanks Jeremy for taking me out/trying to cheer me up)), you're old enough to realize how bad is. And its your fault too. But you've almost reached the point where its too late to fix your own damage you've caused. And though it might even be something easy to cause the changes, You dont even have the will to do it. Everything you want, you're ripping away from your own hands. You're better off not existing, but you cant even see to that yourself anymore can you? So what are you going to do?"
Yeah...what am i going to do?
As i said above, id rather not be alive right now...but im pathetic enough that i cant even bring myself to do it.
I could force myself into doing things, but i H A T E being forced to do things i dont want to do.
If i say no once, im not going to change my mind if you ask me the same thing 2min+ later.
Even moreso when it comes to myself.
So i ask again...What am i going to do?
...at this point...
...I dont know.
...and i kinda dont care.
--------------------------------------------------------------
There's so much more i could say, but even then, whats the point?
This (+ xanga) never gets read anymore.
And the only reason its not in the other journal, is that ive been repeating the same things to myself in the other one for the longest time now.
And why not just say some things of why ive been acting so out-of-touch with people?
Im a really fucked up person mentally.
Why not show what i feel and such?
Better here than elsewhere i guess.
Considering that most of you i wont have to face (and some, probably not talk to) about any of this...its as good a place as any.
Oh fuck this...gonna get up and get ready for class at 9:15am.
Ive got nothing else to do.
And im awake.
Why?
Because i went to sleep at 6pm yesterday.
Didnt wake up till about midnight.
Again, why?
I was bored, couldnt think of anything to do.
Sure, there were things i COULD have done (play WoW (which i want to play my 70 ally' character, but im so fucking sick of the server im on i want to scream every time i log in. Or play my 16 horde mage, but from trying to get to 70 and just not playing, everyone is so far past me that getting anything done almost feels futile.), play some SF3...which normally is a good thing...but im kinda tired of playing against the same people, i know how they play too much and its kinda not really a challenge anymore (and im starting to get kinda tired of SF3 thought i still like it...but it just doesnt have the same...feeling to it anymore.), finally remake my iTunes/iPod/WinAmp play list like ive been meaning to (but too many songs i still need to go through/re-tag/fix the tags/etc etc etc), or do my sociology paper/do some of the math homework ive got/study for my music test coming up (but ill do it later...not feeling up to it right now...ya know?), etc etc etc) but i really didnt WANT to do them at that moment.
And for those of you that still talk to me/see me and such...you know ive not been doing too...hmm...well.
Though i shouldnt really put it like that.
It IS my fault most of you dont talk to me/come around anymore.
After all, i just just kinda gave up talking to/being around you.
...im sick of it really...
...of people that is.
Im really tired of being caught up in one case of drama to the next.
Im sick of things going unsaid between people (me and others, between each other, between them and me, them and others, etc etc etc).
Im tired of life constantly feeling like High School v2.0.
...im sick of Johnson City, TN...Tri-Cites, TN...Tennessee and all of the population dwelling within it...
Wait a second...let me rephrase that...
I am sick of being around people in general...
but with as much as i say that i want to leave and go someplace else...
...im not really sure if id be happier elsewhere at this point.
but...
I hate solitude.
I hate being alone (in every sense of the word.)
Its driving me insane.
Yeah, makes no sense does it?
Hating people but not wanting to be alone.
...
Wanna hear something else that doesnt make any sense?
That for all intents and purposes, ive been alright lately...
Seriously.
But i wont lie.
Ive been having serious thoughts about suicide again.
Though...why?
Why not?
I have no motivation for anything anymore...
I dont want to be in school...
I dont want to play games anymore...
Im getting sick of most of the music i listen to/most music in general...
I dont really like people anymore...
Id rather sleep than be around people/talk these days...
I hate going places usually...
Id rather be by myself a lot more than usual...
but in contrast...
I hate being in my room...but its safe there...
I not being around people...
I hate not going anywhere...
I want to get up/get out/do things...
I want to talk to people/meet new people...
I want to hear/play new things...
I want to feel like i belong around people again...
I dont want to think about dying...
I dont want to die.
...i dont want to be alone...
...but i dont have the motivation to change thoughts/feelings ive been having...
...i dont have the motivation to do anything anymore...
I dont have the motivation to even attempt to kill myself...
...but i dont realy have the motivation to live anymore either (not like i have much really to live for to be honest.)
Ive been thinking a lot lately...of going out for one of my walks that I do every now and then...
...but just not coming back.
Just leaving.
Take the $ ive got and just hop a bus or something to anywhere at all and just going wherever it takes me and seeing what i can do (which is a lot more than 99% of people give me credit for.)
Anyway...people do it every day...just leave and dont come back...completely change themselves/identities...and no one ever hears from them again or can find them at all...
Damn...sounds like a good option...
If i could motivate myself to do it.
But the chances of me doing it and actually succeeding are slim (too many people know who i am/what i look like), so why waste the effort?
Im a complete mess.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is where i end up when i keep everything in.
The fork-in-the-road and each path looks appealing.
But i dont have the strenght to move my legs and choose a direction.
This is what happens when i cant see myself anymore.
This is what happens when im awake at (now) 6:09:16 am (and counting) and thinking about all this.
But I cant really talk to people anymore.
Well...i couldnt really in the first place, and i never really have to begin with...
Well...not about everything.
What do i do to compensate?
I take a lot of my thoughts, write them on pieces of paper, read them once, then throw them away.
Oh, not in the trash bins and stuff here in the house...i take them with me and toss them in random cans/bins elsewhere.
Or i write in my other blog (not xanga) thats just for me to get things in my head out onto "paper" (its set to private and ive never told anyone what/where it is. and please dont ask to read it or anything.)
But yeah...im going out of my fucking mind.
I cant think correctly anymore.
I look in the mirror everyday and smile to myself, with the thought that "something good will happen to you today, and will change everything and give you the motivation to get off your ass and live."
Ive been doing that for years now.
I tried doing that when i woke up about midnight.
I smiled, which faded quickly and almost started crying.
Said to myself: "Rion, you're the best liar on the planet. You've been convincing yourself for years that things will and are getting better. You almost 100% started believing it too. You've gotta stop and realize that they arent. You're 26 now (birthday was last tuesday (which sucked in general, but thanks Jeremy for taking me out/trying to cheer me up)), you're old enough to realize how bad is. And its your fault too. But you've almost reached the point where its too late to fix your own damage you've caused. And though it might even be something easy to cause the changes, You dont even have the will to do it. Everything you want, you're ripping away from your own hands. You're better off not existing, but you cant even see to that yourself anymore can you? So what are you going to do?"
Yeah...what am i going to do?
As i said above, id rather not be alive right now...but im pathetic enough that i cant even bring myself to do it.
I could force myself into doing things, but i H A T E being forced to do things i dont want to do.
If i say no once, im not going to change my mind if you ask me the same thing 2min+ later.
Even moreso when it comes to myself.
So i ask again...What am i going to do?
...at this point...
...I dont know.
...and i kinda dont care.
--------------------------------------------------------------
There's so much more i could say, but even then, whats the point?
This (+ xanga) never gets read anymore.
And the only reason its not in the other journal, is that ive been repeating the same things to myself in the other one for the longest time now.
And why not just say some things of why ive been acting so out-of-touch with people?
Im a really fucked up person mentally.
Why not show what i feel and such?
Better here than elsewhere i guess.
Considering that most of you i wont have to face (and some, probably not talk to) about any of this...its as good a place as any.
Oh fuck this...gonna get up and get ready for class at 9:15am.
Ive got nothing else to do.