(no subject)
so.. at the start of the new year, i did not really have any new years resolutions.. but now that i think about it, i know there's a lot that i could have.. maybe.. i'll start to write on here more so it will be easier to keep in touch. i want to be so much better at that, but school consumes my life (like most) i just received a letter today from my grandma and i started to cry a little.. i feel terrible that i stopped being concerned about making the effort to see her often. now, i'm away and there's nothing i can do about it. its pathetic. it seems like once your entire world is turned upside down, no matter how hard you try to make it better, things will collapse when you think you've just about got it right. after all the fake smiles and knowing that the things you truly wish for will never come true, you just float along because there is nothing else you can do. all of the everyday stresses are just a cover up of the long battle you are desperately trying to win with a broken heart. you keep telling yourself that tomorrow will be better and for a while you may think you have moved on, but it is always there, in the back of your mind... haunting you, trying to keep you from living your life. It comes out of nowhere with no explanations. you might think that your day has been amazing, but then you come to realize that you were faking it all along.. you begin to be able to fool yourself even.. into thinking that you are content and happy with yourself, until you rediscover the truth that has been there all along. there is always a certain sadness that will never go away. focusing your energies into physical goals will never remove the pain you've fought so hard to get rid of. it is a never ending battle, because even though everyone else moves on and tends to forget, you are alone and without victory