(no subject)
i'm having one of those nights where i just desperately wish someone who really knows me was awake and available to talk, because i just... feel lonely, i guess. i'm sitting in my room crying trying not to cry too loud because my roommates are sleeping, and i don't even really know why i'm crying, except i just miss everyone and everything. i miss my boyfriend, i miss my friends who know me and i miss actually doing fun things with people. and maybe i'm feeling frustrated that i just had to start over the glove i'm making because i messed it up, so the past several hours of work was a waste... that probably helped, though that's a silly reason to be upset, but it just feels counterproductive
i even went out for icecream with 2 of my roommates tonight, and it was nice, but at the same time, kind of like... okay, now what?
i think partially this is being spurred by the fact that i found out today that shaphan and i probably aren't going to get to see each other again until mach, because he simply has no free time this month, what with school, ra duties, choir, and ruf; the one weekend he has free (11-13) is the only weekend he has to write a 15 page paper. and yes, call me crazy, i actually was hoping to maybe see him then. but i don't want to be a whiny not understanding girlfriend. it doesn't help that he's still all "contemplating/analyzing" the relationship and still isn't quite sure what that's going to mean,
but mainly, it's just lonely with tv shows and youtube vloggers being my company most nights. but what else am i supposed to do in the middle of the night. and then, i get all protective of my time to watch stuff, because i get into the routine or something, and i forget that even though i like it on same base level as a kind of substitute for friendship, in the end it's completely unsatisfying. that's probably why i shouldn't get things like a twitter, because it makes me feel more connected to people who i don't even know than i really am.
and, overall, there's the frustration with God and not knowing what the heck he's up to. knowing that he put me in nashville for a reason, but then feeling totally isolated here and feeling like everywhere i turn to look for community, i hit concrete. everything feels hard and painful and awkward and not fun, and i feel completely overwhelmed by my tremendous need for friends who i see on a regular basis and actually share life with, not just phone calls.
but then everyone says this is the hardest year, and that it's like this for everyone, that we all feel lonely and it gets better... i just wish that half a year into it, it'd be feeling better. of course... i guess they also told us that about 6 months into the first year of nursing is when we'll feel that slump. but it's not really the job of nursing that's i'm questioning, it's just the- why am i here? why am i in nashville? and part of me wants to just run home. and yet i know that that's not right either. i mean, i *know* that god put me in nashville- but why? to discover that i don't actually want to be here? or is there something still coming that i need to be patient for? i mean, moving somewhere else would just be starting the torturous process over again. i know i need to be patient and it will get better with time. i know that, but it doesn't make this process any easier.
and sitting here in the middle of the night all alone and not tired at all, because i slept until 3:30 in case i was called in but with no one to talk to is just kind of helping me keep spiraling thorugh all these thoughts because i have no one to help calm me down and relax and just chill out.
i can't keep thinking about how if shaphan and i do break up, i have no one here to go cull and cry to. not that i think we're breaking up, but just... i feel like i need someone like that but shaphan is the person who i go to about all of this, the person i go to when i'm feeling lonely and sad and isolated.
i dunno, i'm rambling and i don't make any sense, and i think i just need to go pray and calm down. my goodness, i really don't think i've cried quite this much since i've moved here, and in a way, it really is nice, but it also just sucks.
i even went out for icecream with 2 of my roommates tonight, and it was nice, but at the same time, kind of like... okay, now what?
i think partially this is being spurred by the fact that i found out today that shaphan and i probably aren't going to get to see each other again until mach, because he simply has no free time this month, what with school, ra duties, choir, and ruf; the one weekend he has free (11-13) is the only weekend he has to write a 15 page paper. and yes, call me crazy, i actually was hoping to maybe see him then. but i don't want to be a whiny not understanding girlfriend. it doesn't help that he's still all "contemplating/analyzing" the relationship and still isn't quite sure what that's going to mean,
but mainly, it's just lonely with tv shows and youtube vloggers being my company most nights. but what else am i supposed to do in the middle of the night. and then, i get all protective of my time to watch stuff, because i get into the routine or something, and i forget that even though i like it on same base level as a kind of substitute for friendship, in the end it's completely unsatisfying. that's probably why i shouldn't get things like a twitter, because it makes me feel more connected to people who i don't even know than i really am.
and, overall, there's the frustration with God and not knowing what the heck he's up to. knowing that he put me in nashville for a reason, but then feeling totally isolated here and feeling like everywhere i turn to look for community, i hit concrete. everything feels hard and painful and awkward and not fun, and i feel completely overwhelmed by my tremendous need for friends who i see on a regular basis and actually share life with, not just phone calls.
but then everyone says this is the hardest year, and that it's like this for everyone, that we all feel lonely and it gets better... i just wish that half a year into it, it'd be feeling better. of course... i guess they also told us that about 6 months into the first year of nursing is when we'll feel that slump. but it's not really the job of nursing that's i'm questioning, it's just the- why am i here? why am i in nashville? and part of me wants to just run home. and yet i know that that's not right either. i mean, i *know* that god put me in nashville- but why? to discover that i don't actually want to be here? or is there something still coming that i need to be patient for? i mean, moving somewhere else would just be starting the torturous process over again. i know i need to be patient and it will get better with time. i know that, but it doesn't make this process any easier.
and sitting here in the middle of the night all alone and not tired at all, because i slept until 3:30 in case i was called in but with no one to talk to is just kind of helping me keep spiraling thorugh all these thoughts because i have no one to help calm me down and relax and just chill out.
i can't keep thinking about how if shaphan and i do break up, i have no one here to go cull and cry to. not that i think we're breaking up, but just... i feel like i need someone like that but shaphan is the person who i go to about all of this, the person i go to when i'm feeling lonely and sad and isolated.
i dunno, i'm rambling and i don't make any sense, and i think i just need to go pray and calm down. my goodness, i really don't think i've cried quite this much since i've moved here, and in a way, it really is nice, but it also just sucks.