Keys.
I was in need of a quiet space, which is the definition of my life lately... Just needing somewhere to escape to. It seems so easy to be invisible lately, yet I can't make the world invisible to me. Why not? Why is it not so easy for me to not see the world I'm in and those around me, yet so easy for the world to miss me? Maybe because the world is considerably bigger than I am and much more diverse, even as ecclectic as I am. Some place that was quiet...
The library. Where else is as quiet as a library? So I sat there, trying my hardest to write a paper that just isn't meant to be written tonight. I had so many thoughts running through my head after purging negativity into my journal. I sat there among the other few who pull late night studying in the library. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't get a point across, I couldn't be wordy... all of these completely unlike me. I keep trying to think vigorously ahead to plow through my work so I can be home sooner. I wanted so much to leave, and now I just want my own bed and to have people around me that love me and don't talk about me behind my back, or will always be there just to hang out... just to love me. Their sole purpose in a relationship is loving me.
Yet accross the desks of the library, I see this kid who is in a class of mine. He has surprised me in his profundity and here he is in the library with me late at night. Was someone as attractive and intelligent as he is as alone as i am? Surely, he seems like the type that would have people to hang with and most likely a girl to be with... so why is he seeking sanctuary here? I could be interpreting his intentions completely wrong, but maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just moved by his response in class today. Or the way he smiled at me coming into the building the other day. Somehow I have a connection with this person. I don't know why... but I'm supposed to know him. A small chance where eyes meet across a library doesn't mean some fate is to be shared between us... but so many times it happens.
Yet, I found myself suffocated, needing to leave that space. So I picked up and left. I stopped to look back, and there he was looking back at me. I almost wanted him to follow me. I wanted to hold a conversation about the play we saw Friday. I had visions of walking back to the dorm together just chatting... waiting outside the library for him to make his way down. I stopped down the path across Martyr's and looked up to the window where he was sitting, and saw he was getting up too. I almost went back, but didn't.
I began wondering how I got like this. Just wanting any sort of companionship, making connections with anyone who made eye contact... I dug out my keys, picked out the one that would unlock my door, and braved the chill of the fall night.
Those who know me very well know I'm very happily involved with a wonderful person. I wondered if this was a result of missing him... just wanting to latch onto another guy, but I have come to the conclusion that I just wanted to talk to someone who would talk back (don't make the assumption he doesn't). I walked back the rest of the way thinking if this was some sort of mental or intellectual lust. I couldn't be cheating... he seems like a cool kid to know.
I got back to the door of my dorm and lifted my key to unlock the door. The key had a silver glow instead of the brassy shine it usually had. I took a closer look, and it was my house key.
The library. Where else is as quiet as a library? So I sat there, trying my hardest to write a paper that just isn't meant to be written tonight. I had so many thoughts running through my head after purging negativity into my journal. I sat there among the other few who pull late night studying in the library. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't get a point across, I couldn't be wordy... all of these completely unlike me. I keep trying to think vigorously ahead to plow through my work so I can be home sooner. I wanted so much to leave, and now I just want my own bed and to have people around me that love me and don't talk about me behind my back, or will always be there just to hang out... just to love me. Their sole purpose in a relationship is loving me.
Yet accross the desks of the library, I see this kid who is in a class of mine. He has surprised me in his profundity and here he is in the library with me late at night. Was someone as attractive and intelligent as he is as alone as i am? Surely, he seems like the type that would have people to hang with and most likely a girl to be with... so why is he seeking sanctuary here? I could be interpreting his intentions completely wrong, but maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just moved by his response in class today. Or the way he smiled at me coming into the building the other day. Somehow I have a connection with this person. I don't know why... but I'm supposed to know him. A small chance where eyes meet across a library doesn't mean some fate is to be shared between us... but so many times it happens.
Yet, I found myself suffocated, needing to leave that space. So I picked up and left. I stopped to look back, and there he was looking back at me. I almost wanted him to follow me. I wanted to hold a conversation about the play we saw Friday. I had visions of walking back to the dorm together just chatting... waiting outside the library for him to make his way down. I stopped down the path across Martyr's and looked up to the window where he was sitting, and saw he was getting up too. I almost went back, but didn't.
I began wondering how I got like this. Just wanting any sort of companionship, making connections with anyone who made eye contact... I dug out my keys, picked out the one that would unlock my door, and braved the chill of the fall night.
Those who know me very well know I'm very happily involved with a wonderful person. I wondered if this was a result of missing him... just wanting to latch onto another guy, but I have come to the conclusion that I just wanted to talk to someone who would talk back (don't make the assumption he doesn't). I walked back the rest of the way thinking if this was some sort of mental or intellectual lust. I couldn't be cheating... he seems like a cool kid to know.
I got back to the door of my dorm and lifted my key to unlock the door. The key had a silver glow instead of the brassy shine it usually had. I took a closer look, and it was my house key.