In which my rambling turns kind of sad.
Phbt phbt phbt phbt phbt phbt phbt.
Waiting for stuff in the lab. Got another hour to go. I want to go home and sleeeeep. Well, watch Modern Family and then sleep. Yes.
On a happier note, I was a total dork and signed up for kurt_disney with a vague idea of what I wanted to write, and then boom. The ideas all coalesced in my head into something that has the potential to be awesome. I'm really excited about it now. Of course, I just had to go and do this during what may be my busiest term of grad school. Maybe that's a good thing, though. Force me to give myself rec time. Hm.
And then on an anxious note, I get the worst buyer's remorse over stupid things. Like, I need facial lotion. My skin is touchy and I've decided that a Lush purchase would be the best fit. So, I throw a couple other things in. And then I waffle. For hours. For literal weeks. And after I've decided it's not wrong to spend some money on myself (even if it is like $90 for 5 items, which is sooooo egocentric in my head) and I hit submit (less than half an hour ago, after first putting this order together in December), I'm wracked with guilt. How could I do that? That money could've gone to... something... abstract... that I have no idea about... but how could I? This happens with everything I buy that costs more than $5. Hell, I wibble about spending less than $5 sometimes. Bag of scraps at the thrift store that's $1.99 instead of the usual 99¢? Complete meltdown. Not kidding - that's a true example. Not sure how to deal with this little corner of my psychoses. The panic attacks are (knock on wood) pretty much under control and the general anxiety has greatly lessened, though the depression is untouched by my medication and is only handled via what I've learned in therapy, but I still have these little tics that cripple me at odd moments. Like this spending money thing, or the way I sometimes synchronize my breathing to what I'm doing and/or repeat motions and I can't stop until it feels right, or how the volume on the TV has to be set to an even number or else my shoulders will itch.
Man, I did not intend this entry to be about my mental quirks. Guess that's what happens when you're over-caffeinated and under-rested and stuck in the lab after dark. 43 more minutes to go. Hm hm hm.
Ohhh, and one of the guys upstairs called me out on my lack of social skills today. I laughed it off, and he meant it in a humorous way and not a scolding one, but I could feel my face getting red as soon as he left and I was all shaky the next time I stood up. I wish I didn't replay scenarios in my head and think about what I could have done better. I wish I could let things go.
Waiting for stuff in the lab. Got another hour to go. I want to go home and sleeeeep. Well, watch Modern Family and then sleep. Yes.
On a happier note, I was a total dork and signed up for kurt_disney with a vague idea of what I wanted to write, and then boom. The ideas all coalesced in my head into something that has the potential to be awesome. I'm really excited about it now. Of course, I just had to go and do this during what may be my busiest term of grad school. Maybe that's a good thing, though. Force me to give myself rec time. Hm.
And then on an anxious note, I get the worst buyer's remorse over stupid things. Like, I need facial lotion. My skin is touchy and I've decided that a Lush purchase would be the best fit. So, I throw a couple other things in. And then I waffle. For hours. For literal weeks. And after I've decided it's not wrong to spend some money on myself (even if it is like $90 for 5 items, which is sooooo egocentric in my head) and I hit submit (less than half an hour ago, after first putting this order together in December), I'm wracked with guilt. How could I do that? That money could've gone to... something... abstract... that I have no idea about... but how could I? This happens with everything I buy that costs more than $5. Hell, I wibble about spending less than $5 sometimes. Bag of scraps at the thrift store that's $1.99 instead of the usual 99¢? Complete meltdown. Not kidding - that's a true example. Not sure how to deal with this little corner of my psychoses. The panic attacks are (knock on wood) pretty much under control and the general anxiety has greatly lessened, though the depression is untouched by my medication and is only handled via what I've learned in therapy, but I still have these little tics that cripple me at odd moments. Like this spending money thing, or the way I sometimes synchronize my breathing to what I'm doing and/or repeat motions and I can't stop until it feels right, or how the volume on the TV has to be set to an even number or else my shoulders will itch.
Man, I did not intend this entry to be about my mental quirks. Guess that's what happens when you're over-caffeinated and under-rested and stuck in the lab after dark. 43 more minutes to go. Hm hm hm.
Ohhh, and one of the guys upstairs called me out on my lack of social skills today. I laughed it off, and he meant it in a humorous way and not a scolding one, but I could feel my face getting red as soon as he left and I was all shaky the next time I stood up. I wish I didn't replay scenarios in my head and think about what I could have done better. I wish I could let things go.