In the End
It's nearly 3 PM. I've done nothing constructive.
The bad thing is about a weekly schedule that runs from the time you wake up to the time you go to sleep is that on your days off you are nothing but apathetic. I don't want to do anything that requires brain power but have at least three hours of homework ahead of me (yes, on a Saturday,) as well as at least two hours of house keeping. This is why I have made only two friends in the three years I've been in Wyoming. I live the life of a widow.
It doesn't help that Sarah is gone for at least a month. She took a medical withdraw from school for the rest of the semester, and now I am alone again. She has her own crisis to take care of, one that I can only euphamismically call "needing to rest." As bad as my life is, I am greatful to myself that I never chose to poison my own body. The world is already so much against us that we don't need to give ourselves more problems than necessary.
I look now at my own mother after I was awakened by Sarah's admission of addiction and sigh. A long time ago when I was a young teenager I surpassed my father intellectually, emotionally, in maturity. I thought I'd always have my mother as a bastion of strength to look to. After this time alone in Wyoming when I had pretty much only "myself" as a companion I pulled myself up often enough by my own bootstraps. When my mother moved here in July I thought I'd have a mentor back in my life, the one that I had always held up as the epitome of womanhood. But my mother is now very changed. She cusses more than Loren's wrestling team (which says a lot) and while it is only in jest I often tire of hearing endless fucks and assholes. When I ask her to please stop I am told that I am out of line. Last night when I left her house in disgust the last thing I heard was her hissing on the phone to my aunt, "fuck her sorry ass."... And noticed that once again my mother had a glass of whiskey in her hand. There was already one by her bed, one by the TV, one in her office.
So, as it turns out, "in the end there was only lonliness." I really am alone, surpassing my father, surpassing my mother. I am only twenty-five.