It’s not gay if it’s on the Mississippi (12/12)
Last time on ~It’s not gay if it’s on the Mississipppi~: A ship exploded, but sadly did not sink the awful ship that is our two main characters together. After eleven chapters, they finally had a conversation, at least, and Nicholas decided to help Silver get Etaine back.
If you want to read the whole debacle from the get-go, start here.
Note: I’ve noticed this is a mess in mobile version, but I don’t really know how to fix it, sorry! Crossposted on tumblr.
WELCOME TO THE SERIES FINALE. GET YOUR CRANBERRY TREES, VODKA AND BALALAIKAS READY, FRIENDS, FOR THIS IS THE LAST TROIKA PARTY
вesт вoy валя is back with the news that whopps, the circus has already left, literally overnight.
“He’s going to Europe,” Silver said numbly. “Etaine said-”
“Not Europe. At least, not immediately,” Valentin said. “Russia.”
SHOTS FIRED!!!
“Valentin, I need clothes. Would you buy a gown, shoes, and cloak from one of the volunteers nursing the survivors?”
He gazed at her warily. “Nicholas won’t like it. You’re not well enough to get up yet.”
“Would he like it better if I walked down that gangplank wearing no gown at all?”
“Touché.” He grimaced. “It seems I have no choice. Anything else?”
“Money. I have to go ashore and purchase something.”
“I don’t suppose you’d be willing to tell me the nature of the purchase?”
“No.”
“Nor let me accompany you?”
“No.”
Valentin shook his head gravely. “I can’t let you go unless you promise to come back. Nicky would have me skewered and roasted over slow flames if I let you run away again.”
He’s my best mark I mean friend. Truly has my back, always, within the sights of his gun. A great man.
Valentin hesitated before slowly reaching into his pocket and pulling out a fat roll of bills and tossing it on the bed. “I know you’re upset, Silver, but don’t do anything foolish.”
(ﾉ◡‿◡)ﾉ～『✧~*CASH MONEY*~✧』
And you know that’s all Nicky’s money /beams
Silver felt a sudden stinging behind her eyes as she looked up into his worried face. This might be the last time she’d see Valentin, and she realized she would truly miss his wry humor and droll pretense at fopishness.
Excuse you, it’s genuine foppishness. It’s the most genuine thing about him.
“Thank you, Valentin.”
“It’s Nicky’s money.”
I love you shady con man <3
He made a face. “But my head, if you don’t keep your word.”
“So I’ll use my considerable charm to talk one of the good ladies out of her clothes. You won’t be pleased. They all dress with the depressing drabness of most virtuous women.”
VALYAAAAA <3
“Ok, I guess if it’s for you, I’ll seduce some girl and steal her clothes afterwards. The work I put in here, unbelievable.”
Silver uses her shore leave to bring a priest onboard, telling him its urgent, which he takes to mean someone is dying. They barge in on Nicky who’s of course already super pissed that she left.
She drew a small derringer from beneath her cloak and pointed it at Nicholas. “He has to marry us.”
Nicholas’s froze, his expression stunned. “I beg your pardon?”
“You heard me. He’s going to marry us.” She paused and moistened her lips with her tongue. “Or I’ll shoot you.”
I really wish the priest refused if that was the alternative :(
“Sorry, I don’t think with me as a non orthodox priest this works. Guess you’ll have to shoot the man.”
“How bloodthirsty of you. May I ask where you got that pistol?”
“I bought it in a shop on the wharf.” She added reluctantly, “With your money.” She hurried on. “But I’ll pay you back.”
His lips twitched. “I should hope so.”
Okay, sometimes the book manages to get a genuinely funny line, I’ll admit that. The path of embezzled princely money is ambiguous and winded.
Father Jason straightened away from the doorjamb. “This is outrageous,” he said incredulously. “Young lady, I will perform no marriage rites between you and his highness while he’s under duress.”
Catholic marriages are supposed to be based on consent, so I refuuuuuuse
“I only realize I must have a legal father for my child.”
Nicholas went still. “Your child?”
“I’m over two weeks late for my flux and this is not usual for me. I have to go after Etaine and I can’t risk leaving without protecting my child.”
TWO WEEKS LATE.
This is such Telenovela drama, I can’t
“I will not bring shame to any child I bear. It will be enough that he will have Apache blood.”
I suppose all the racism in this book managed to internalize really well with her, considering we went from “I’m proud to be Apache and to have their unique skills” to “being of mixed native blood is horrible and as bad as being a bastard child to a teenage mother”.
“Don’t worry, I realize the blame lies also with me.
I forgot to take the pill, silly me!
Now, she insists the only thing she wants is his name for the potential kid, then she’ll skedaddle and he’ll never see her again. It’s 1874. You could just cross state borders and start living under a new name and no-one would know or care. You can pretend to be widowed rather than being a mother out of wedlock. No-one will know or care. The issue isn’t his name, it’s money and security and there wasn’t global child support yet. What even is this nonsense.
Father Jason was frowning uncertainly. “You have known this woman in the carnal sense, my son?”
Nicholas’s gaze did not leave Silver’s face. “Oh, yes, Father, it couldn’t have been more carnal.”
Ten Ave Maria’s and get the fuck out of my sight, son.
“It is possible that the child is not of your seed.…” Father Jason suggested tentatively. “Perhaps the young woman has engaged in similar activities with other gentlemen.”
OF COURSE EVEN THE PRIEST SLUT SHAMES SILVER. God this fucking book, is2g
“If there is a child, it is mine,” Nicholas said unequivocally.
“Have you no shame that you admit to disgracing this woman?”
This poor innocent woman who I’ve just accused of being a whore. I am very consistent.
“Anyone in St. Petersburg will tell you what a base scoundrel I am,” Nicholas interrupted quickly. “No woman is safe from my lust.”
I guess he’s at least honest. What a thing to be proud of.
“But you obviously repent your past. Perhaps if you vow not to transgress again, a penance or two would be sufficient-”
Just WHAT about that statement could possibly sound penitent. What!! I ask you!!!!
The priest only then notices the indecent murals that Bassinger had put into place and is scandalized, scandalized I tell you!
He glanced down at the derringer in Silver’s hand. “And I most certainly do not. Perhaps we’d better accede graciously to-” He broke off as his gaze traveled over Silver’s head to the open doorway. Something flickered in his eyes and his head made a negative motion that was almost imperceptible. “Best proceed with the ceremony, Father.”
OUR BOY MIKHAIL, READY TO KILL ANYONE THREATENING HIS PIECE OF SHIT BOYFRIEND 👏👏👏 (I wish the boyfriend wasn’t a piece of shit :( )
Again, each time Valentin is MIA (spoiler, he’ll be for the remainder of the book), I’m imagining he’s somewhere in the lounge getting drunk on Nicky’s money.
Father Jason gave her an exasperated glance. “You’re a most demanding female. I’m not so sure his highness is completely to blame for-”
I think each even cameo appearance of wholesome giant Mikhail has to be followed by another male character making a horrible sexist remark. Equivalent exchange or something.
The priest marries them and scrawls confirmation thereof on a piece of paper that’s lying around. Clearly he wants to be done as soon as I do with all of this.
“May I go now?” Father Jason asked caustically. “This has all been most irregular.”
“It was necessary,” she whispered. “I couldn’t take a chance. I had to protect my child. You don’t know the pain of belonging nowhere.”
“Don’t I?” he asked “How can you be sure?”
Dude, you have a mansion and a title and are bros with the tsar for some reason, stop inserting yourself into every conversation in a game of one upping the tragic backstory just told. And again, Siver’s plan is genius. I’m sure the kid will have a great future going “OK im quarter Apache and my father skedaddled but I swear he was a Russian prince! Really!”. That gives someone a sure sense of belonging!
Her hand tightened on the pistol.
“Well, it’s over and you’re free to do anything you wish now.”
His lips curved in a curious smile. “I fully intend to do just that.”
Since spousal abuse and rape is legal at this point, Silver you really done ducked up.
Silver goes for a dramatic exit, but is stopped on the deck by Mikhail.
He silently shook his head.
Her lips tightened. “Get out of my way, Mikhail.”
“You could always point your little pistol at him,” Nicholas said from behind her. “But I doubt if he’d be as easily intimidated as I was.”
Because he’s a badass!
Silver drew the derringer from beneath her cloak. “Let me pass, Mikhail.”
Mikhail smiled gently at her and again shook his head.
“Mikhail, I’ll shoot you.” Silver said, trying to make her voice convincing. It was very difficult when the big bull was gazing at her with such cheerful affection.
Mikhail is a darling <3
Nicholas grabs Silver and declares she needs to rest because of her injuries.
“Back to bed. I told you the doctor said you weren’t to get up. I should have known as soon as I turned my back you’d be running around as if that bastard had been stroking you with a feather instead of a whip.”
Your high pain tolerance is dumb and I’m mad at it.
Also, considering Valentin helped her escape this time, bless the fact that he never faces any consequences. Dropping in and out of the narrative does have its advantages!
“Let me down. I have a boat to catch.”
“In case it escaped your notice, you’re on a boat now.”
I’m always mad when Nicky has a genuinely funny line, but here it is.
He brings her to a different room and tells her that this ship will depart for new Orleans in half an hour.
“I do wish you’d stop arguing, Silver. I’ve had a very eventful day and I find I’m quite weary. May I have this now? You obviously have no intention of using it at the moment.” He took the derringer she was still clutching and set it on the rosewood table.
I’ve had such a stressful day, this man tells a woman he himself abducted, who has been flogged and burned and stabbed, almost drowned and been subjected to endless physical and emotional and sexual abuse over the past two weeks. Get. Fucked. Nicky.
He asks her why she didn’t just simply ask him to marry her.
She shrugged. “I’m not such a fool that I don’t know that princes don’t wed with half-breeds born on the wrong side of the blanket. Even Father Jason did everything he could to persuade you that marriage wasn’t necessary with a woman like me.”
“There are no women like you,” Nicholas said softly. “There’s only one Silver Delaney.”
She felt as if she were spinning, drowning in a dark golden pool of sensation. Drowning. For a fleeting instant she remembered that moment when she had sunk beneath the waters of the river, fighting for her life, knowing there was something wonderful waiting for her if she could just stay alive long enough to grasp it. Something wonderful. Not lust, but something deeper, more mystical … It was coming closer.
A mystical golden Mississippi gator??? Those are the creatures of legend! Who would have thought one might make its home in the shallow puddle that is Nicky’s charisma!
“Because I knew you’d let no feather drift to earth for me to seize so that I might summon you back to me.” His hand reached out and gently brushed a swath of silky dark hair from her face. “What a very wary firebird you are, Silver.”
Bottoms up, everyone, out all favourite metonymy is back!!
“But I’m learning, Silver. I was taught a very bitter lesson a long time ago.” He smiled. “But now we have time to learn each other. Marriage is forever.”
“No!” she said, distressed. “I never meant to trap you in that fashion. You can have it dissolved.”
“There is no divorce in my family,” he said flatly.
The only way out for me is to due in a duel with your lover, and sadly, I’m such an amazing shot [sources needed] that that won’t happen.
Also, how would anyone ever learn about this overseas shotgun wedding? Mikhail won’t tell, and you sure can buy Valya’s silence. I don’t see the problem.
“You should have taken time to query me on the subject. Now you’re just as much a captive as you were when I first brought you aboard the Rose.”
“And so are you,” Silver said, frowning.
Because kidnapping is the same as marriage! Heteronormativity!! (•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑
“It’s done.” He made an imperious gesture with his left hand.
He took a step forward, took off her cloak, and began unbuttoning the shiny black buttons on the bodice of her gray gown. “It’s time you went back to bed. Wherever did you get this ugly gown? You seem to have an affinity for acquiring hideous garments.”
“Valentin bought it from one of the nurses,” she said absently, her thoughts on his words.
“Bought”, I’m sure.
It must have pained our Queer Eye 1874 host even more, then, to get them for Silver, if they are that hideous. The sacrifices Valya makes to do the girl a favour :(
He stripped her shoes and undergarments from her and crossed to the double bed across the room and pulled back the pale green satin spread.
“Now, come and lie down so that I can cover you up.” His voice had thickened a trifle. “I’m trying to forget about my recently acquired conjugal privileges and remember you’re not well.”
BEING A MAN IS SO HARD :( YOU GUYS :( HE HAS TO REFRAIN FROM BANGING THE WOMAN WHO WAS JUST FLOGGED TO NEAR DEATH TWO DAYS AGO :( SO HARD :(
She obediently crossed the room and slipped under the sheets and turned on her stomach, her cheek cradled on the pillow as she turned to look at him. “Did I force you?”
“Perhaps.” He stood looking down at her. “Or perhaps I saw a way I could have what I wanted, what I was too guilt-ridden to take for myself.”
The gaslighting couple of the decade <3
“How maddening you are.” She scowled. “I don’t think I like Russians.”
Wow, way to go throwing Mikhail and Valentin who did nothing wrong under the bus there, Silver you jerk :(
“But you don’t think Monteith will still be in New Orleans, do you? You think I’ll have to go to Russia.”
“I have no idea, but I do believe it’s your destiny to go to Russia at some time.” He smiled mischievously. “We Russians are great fatalists, you know. We believe our every step is guided by destiny.”
RUSSIA 🇷🇺 🇷🇺
“And what is your destiny, Nicholas?”
His smile faded and his dark eyes became grave. “Who knows? Perhaps it’s to follow the firebird until she lets me mount her and soar to the sun. I have a great fondness for firebirds.
You don’t say :’) To quote Mikhail, “That is not a firebird; it is a hawk.”
I followed one once and she led me from hell to purgatory. I’m willing to try my luck again and aim for a more celestial destination.”
I hope it’s the stratosphere and you die falling back down.
He turned to look at her as his hand grasped the china doorknob. “Do you find this stateroom suitable? We can choose another one if you like.”
“This is quite nice.” She gazed at him in puzzlement. “But why didn’t you take me back to the master stateroom?”
“Because Father Jason was right, that stateroom was for a debaucher and his whore. Not for her highness, Princess Silver Savron.”
If you hadn’t married me, I’d totally have kept you captive there though, just so you know. Goodnight m’lady /tips fedora
“You’re my wife now and there are a few things I will not tolerate.”
“Indeed?”
“You will not run wild as you have done since I’ve known you. My country is different from your own; there are dangers of which you have no knowledge. You’re not even familiar with the language.”
There’s bears, balalaikas, Russian gypsy women with boobs, and snow storms on the tundra. You have no idea of the horrors I’ve seen.
Silver smothered a yawn with her hand.
“You will be guided by me in all matters concerning-”
“I’m very tired, Nicholas.”
This relationship is off to such a great start :D
Doubtful, he stared at her for a long moment, then he shrugged and turned to extinguish the kerosene lamp on the table by the door. Perhaps it wouldn’t be too difficult a task to tame a firebird after all.
God bless Stockholm syndrome doing half the work for him.
At once Silver’s lids flickered open to reveal crystal-gray eyes shimmering with excitement, anticipation, and a secret amusement.
She smiled in the darkness.
TIME TO AGAIN DO SUICIDAL SHIT FOR NO REASON :D
And with that, we’ve finally, finally arrived at the end.
This is it. The final part of this series that’s been going on for 18 months. I can’t believe it. What began on a fun slightly drunk night out as a joke truly has spiralled well out of control, and I hope you guys had at least some fun here.
And after all this, what is the bottom line?
Not even Valya’s hair colour. Alexa, play FxxK Boyz Get Money .