It’s not gay if it’s on the Mississippi (5/12)
Last time on ~It’s not gay if it’s on the Mississipppi~: Best Boy Valentin introduces himself in his many magnificent ways to our intrepid heroine and delivers some backstory on our brooding love interest. Silver hangs out with the shabby pilot, making Nicholas stew in his own jealousy, and some hot (? jury’s still out on that) bantering ensues.
If you want to read the whole debacle from the get-go, start here.
Note: I’ve noticed this is a mess in mobile version, but I don’t really know how to fix it, sorry! Crossposted on tumblr.
It’s… been a while. I don’t know what happened in November. How is it already over. How long did it stretch out for. What is time. ??? Anyway, while I was MIA, some things piled up that I want to share:
Romance model author murder drama (and yes, that book really is a thing, I’m sorry)
Also, a bit late to the party I recently started listening to My Dad Wrote A Porno which is absolutely fantastic and which you should be listening to, as well. (Also, it makes the sex in this book seem almost good by comparison. Almost.)
But now, on with chapter 5!
Valentin stood in the doorway, his gaze traveling over Silver from the top of her dark head to the tips of her sensible patent leather boots. He bowed gracefully. “You look as fresh as a spring daffodil.”
I know that we’re probably supposed to think that he’s serious because Silver is THE PRETTIEST ALWAYS™ but I’m sorry, that just sounds like he’s shading her something fierce. Anyway, she immediately has to turn the compliment down because she’s Not Like Other Girls™ and couldn’t even dress prettily because she had no change of clothes (and presumably a Gone With The Wind curtain dress was not an option).
Valentin grimaced as he looked down at his own elegant attire. “Ah, such confidence. I’m afraid I’ve always relied upon my tailor to lend me boldness when facing a social evening.”
God, I love him so much!!!! _(:3 」∠)
Silver smiled. It was difficult to believe Valentin could be anything but confident in any situation. “I have a confession to make.”
“Wonderful, I love to hear lovely women’s confessions. I do hope it’s shocking.”
I’m living for Gossip Girl Valya!!! I’m sorry that these reviews at this point are just 50% me making gagging noises at our prota couple and 50% gushing over how hilarious Valentin is, but… it is what it is…
But also, Valentin, best curb your enthusiasm, this is still Silver we’re talking about. I doubt she has anything exciting to bring to the ta-
She lowered her voice to a whisper. “I did scrub my face and brush my hair.”
(눈_눈)
Valentin’s laugh rang out. “A touch of vanity at last.” He offered her his arm. “Since we’re obviously kindred spirits, may I escort you to the grand saloon, Miss Delaney?”
She slipped her arm in his. “I’m not nervous, you understand.”
“No, of course not,” he said gently. “But I am. So perhaps you’ll be persuaded to bear me company this evening. A man always feels more confident with a pretty woman at his side.”
Keeps both unwanted female and male attention at bay, if you know what I’m sayin’~ ☆ヽ(◕‿◕✿)ﾉ
He clearly just said it to let her keep him at her side in a way her tsun way would allow. Best boy, best character 1988-2018, why are you trapped in this garbage fire!!
She was glad for his polite chatter as well as his silent support as they traversed the long, glittering expanse of the saloon.
Both at the same time! He truly is talented. Dunkel war’s, der Mond schien helle-
We get a description of the banquet hall with musicians and all the guests in fancy dresses.
Her gaze flew to the head of the table. Nicholas was dressed entirely in stunning black and white, his golden hair shining with light as he bent to speak to the lovely red-haired woman sitting on his left.
Ayyy the redhead thing is back. I’m not saying that Nicky has a thing for redheads and that the one who’s constantly defined by his hair colour is Mikhail, but it’s a thing™ all the same.
Silver is of course jealous because romance law dictates it, and she asks Nicky where the OG-redhead is.
“Mikhail feels uncomfortable at most social functions and Nicky seldom insists he attend.”
We could have it aaaaaaaall (ಥ_ಥ)
No one appeared to notice their arrival, and Valentin was unobtrusively seating her near the foot of the table when Nicholas’s voice rang out over the hubbub of conversation. “Not there, Valentin.” He casually gestured to a chair farther up the table. “Seat her beside our good friend Bassinger, and then come and sit by me. We want our newcomer to get acquainted with our other guests, don’t we?”
“Do we?” Valentin murmured. He shrugged resignedly, but whispered in Silver’s ear as he escorted her to the chair Nicholas had indicated, “Be careful, Bassinger is …” He trailed off. “I’ll see you after dinner.”
Valentin hesitated and then muttered something beneath his breath before stalking toward the head of the table. He threw himself into the chair at Nicholas’s right and immediately reached for the wine goblet beside his plate.
SALTY WINE UNCLE VALYA IS SO DONE WITH YOUR SHIT, NICKY
Silver is now sandwiched between a “plump, pretty woman in a violet taffeta gown” and a “slim, elegant gentleman with pale green eyes”, who turns out to be Lee Bassinger.
She judged him to be middle-aged; his features were nondescript and gray threaded his dark hair like winter frost. His light green eyes reminded her also of frost. The famous green frost of Louisiana. Even though his lips were smiling, his eyes were cold.
Like frost. He truly was a cold man. He reminded her of snow. A bit like the first thin layer of ice on the streams when the winter months began. Like winter.*
*This paragraph was brought to you by today’s sponsor, Squarespace The Redundancy Department of Redundancy and Over-Extended Metaphors™. Get 50% off any order by entering the promo code “mybraincellsaredying”, all one word, until the 32nd of December!
Bassinger says he’s surprised that Valentin dropped her off, given she’s supposed to be Nicky’s property, and wonders if they share her, as bros do. Silver tells him she’s owned by no-one and that our drunkenard pilot told her about Bassinger.
She shook her head as she picked up her knife and fork and cut into her chicken with exquisite precision.
Because eating chicken, as we all know, requires surgical skill.
She says that he might be rich, but he’s also dumb as a sack of rocks considering he lost his best ship to a slutty Russian Prince with no manners over a game of cards. Bassinger surprisingly does not take it too well and starts manhandling her.
“Let me go.” She glanced at his now livid face with eyes as cold as his own. “Or I’ll skewer you instead of the chicken with this fork.”
Sometimes I still really wish I could root for her :(
“Why did you do it?” Valentin lifted his brooding gaze from his wineglass to Nicholas’s face. “It would have done no harm to let me sit beside her. I would have-”
“I’m too moneysexual to start hitting on her in earnest, Nicky, you know me!”
“Protected her,” Nicholas finished for him. He smiled and shook his head. “But I don’t want her protected.”
“I know,” Valentin said sourly. “But why Bassinger?”
“She appears to think I’m Satan incarnate. I wanted her to see there are a few men more degenerate than I.”
OUR HERO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!
Nicky: If I make her sit next to a sadist and rapist who isn’t young and hot, maybe she’ll learn to appreciate what she has in me, a sadist and rapist in the prime of his youth. Genius! (•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑
Valentin: ლ(ಠ_ಠლ)
Valentin: /drinks more wine
Valentin points out again that something still doesn’t add up, considering Silver claims she’s never met nobility.
“I have no idea. Perhaps Andre was hesitant about confiding his title to the citizens of such a democratic society.”
“André?” Valentin’s tone was unbelieving.
“He’s your cousin, Nicky. Everyone knows that it’s against your nature to not be an ostentatious jerk.”
Valya points out that Silver just doesn’t seem the type, and Nicky brings back ye good olde misogyny (I’m sure you’ve all missed it):
He was well aware of the contrast she presented to the rouged and besatined strumpets surrounding her. It had taken only one glance to permanently engrave it on his memory. In spite of the fiery sensuality that was so much a part of her, there was also a simplicity, a pristine quality about Silver that set her worlds apart from the company at the table.
SHE’S NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS™, SHE’S BOTH HOT AND PURE!
“It’s that hideous schoolgirl uniform. I’ll have one of the women send her a gown to wear tomorrow night.”
Nicky: Maybe if I forcibly make her dress like a whore instead of the barely legal schoolgirl that she is, my claim that she is a wretched harlot will seem more compelling. Genius! (•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑
Valentin: ლ(ಥ_ಥლ)
Valentin: /downs the entire bottle
Suddenly, Silver snaps and pours a whole bottle of wine on Bassinger because he can’t stop being a fuckboi and she does take offense to that (exceptions withstanding when it comes to hot but icy Russians).
The rich red wine poured over Bassinger’s head, streaming in rivulets
down his cheeks, matting his dark hair, and turning the gray streaks
threading it to pale pink. He sat frozen in disbelief.
He didn’t request pink highlights. Now that didn’t fit with his colour palette at all.
Valentin started to his feet. “He’ll kill her.”
“The hell he will.” Nicholas pushed back his chair and was striding
around the table. In three paces he was beside Silver, jerking her chair
out of the way and grasping her by the elbow.
Not if I kill he first! Genius! (•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑
He began to propel Silver firmly away from the table and down the
long, carpeted expanse of the saloon. “Don’t fight me,” he said in a fierce
undertone. “I’m in no mood to kill Bassinger at the moment. I had
something else entirely planned for tonight.”
As if killing someone would do anything but make you even more horny. Also, you only kept him on board specifically for the purpose of eventually getting to fight him because otherwise the journey would be too boring, so what the heck is this!
Anyway, Silver tells him she’s happy to leave because she’s finished eating anyways (I so want to like her sometimes!!!!) and explains that Bassinger was too scared to fuck with her, so he took hit out on the lady to his other side.
“Cruel?”
“He was pinching her thigh beneath the table.”
His gaze searched her face. “Men often fondle women. Perhaps she
enjoyed it.”
Now, if you think, wow, this is Silver standing up for a woman, this is great, please curb your enthusiasm and remember what story this is:
She shrugged impatiently. “Stupid woman. She should have been the one to pour the wine on his head.”
This is why we can’t have nice things, guys. （╯°□°）╯︵(\ .o.)\
She instantly contradicts herself, of course:
Silver entered the cabin. “She was afraid. Sometimes it’s not easy for
women to stand up to men.” She whirled to face him. “But he hurt her.
Why would he want to hurt her?”
“Some men find it gratifying.” Nicholas closed the door and locked it
behind him. “I don’t understand it either.”
“Beautiful things should be treated gently, with the most exquisite care”.
Silver felt suddenly breathless. “Women are not things.”
He bowed slightly. “I stand corrected.”
“But you don’t believe it. You think women are weak and puny. You
think we’re nothing.”
“I’m not such a fool. I believe some women have great strength.” He
smiled crookedly. “Perhaps the reason men try to keep women weak is
that we know their strength is often used to subordinate and destroy us.”
The fact that we know his definition of “they have strength” is “they make me hard and then blue ball me and that’s mean” is just. Reader, I hate him.
“I don’t wish to destroy anyone. I want only to be left alone to go my own way.”
“Impossible.” His voice was velvet soft. “You’re not a woman any man
would be willing to leave alone. Haven’t you realized that yet?”
Nicky: I don’t understand why a man would ever mistreat a girl.
Nicky: Also, it’s your fault that you’re so sexy, so be prepared for me holding you captive indefinitely.
Nicky: G’night.
“Sweet words, but you don’t mean them. You just wish to lure me into
fornicating with you.”
“I mean them,” he said gravely. “But the other is also true. I’ve never
denied my intentions. And I’ve never lied to you.”
Nicky: And the fact that I told you I intend to fuck you when having you kidnapped makes the kidnapping a-okay!!! Genius! (•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑
Honesty was the virtue she admired above all others, and she didn’t
want to admit even to herself that Nicholas possessed that quality.
It’s not as if he isn’t abundant in other major character flaws that would outdo his alleged honesty, but….
She wants him to leave, but he insists on acting as her maid, as promised, and begins stripping her while gaslighting her the entire time.
“No, I believe you’re considerably more … ripe, Silver.” Then
her breasts were bare, full golden mounds spilling saucily over the lacing
of her camisole. His eyes were midnight soft as he looked down at her. “I
can make them even more ripe. Would you like me to do that?”
I had to read this, so now so do you.
“I thought you’d be more comfortable if I finished the task in this fashion.”
“How kind,” she said warily. The skirt had dropped in a pool at her
feet and she slowly turned her head to face forward. Comfortable? She
had forgotten what the word comfort meant.
Considering you’re currently being held captive by a licentious man who thinks you’re guilty of murder and won’t listen to you whatsoever, I guess that’s not surprising. How about you do something about all that :’)
He points out the R-rated murals in her room.
“One way or another Bassinger seems to like to bring ladies to their knees, doesn’t he? That woman in the picture has a lovely mouth but not as
lovely as yours. Would you like to do that to me?”
“Certainly not.”
You should have said yes and bitten his dick off, Silver. Prime opportunity.
She inhaled sharply and flinched back. But that brought her into direct contact with the hard muscles of his body. Very hard, she realized breathlessly. As hard as she was melting soft, as taut
as she was pliant.
HARD LIKE THE FROZEN GROUND OF THE TUNDRA
Being a man is so hard, guys :’(
He of course starts touching her in inappropriate places, and is the same entitled asshat as always:
“Let me do everything to you. This was what you were meant for.…
Nicholas “I don’t consider women puny things with no will of their own” Savron.
Silver tells him to stop, though, because we need to keep this wholesome push-and-pull dynamic to go on for a bit longer, or something.
She turned to face him, clutching her loosened petticoats to keep them from falling. “I will not.” She backed away from him, her naked breasts lifting and falling
Bro, do your breasts even lift??
His black eyes were brilliant in his taut face, his nostrils flaring with the harshness of his breathing.
All I can think of is the black demon possession eyes in Supernatural here.
He took a step forward. “Liar.”
She lifted her chin. “No, it’s lust. My body may want you, but I am not
my body.” She touched her breast, glaring at him fiercely. “I’m more
than that. I am Silver Delaney. I don’t lie down and spread my legs
because a man tells me I must.”
I’m thinking this might be the last smart thing she ever says, so I’ll treasure it for a bit.
Also, my girl. Just. Kick him out, get yourself off, and then get yourself off that fucking boat asap. Stop buying into his entire “I, a master of sex” nonsense.
|￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣|
| Masturbation |
| is a thing women can |
| do as well |
|＿＿＿＿＿you twat＿＿＿＿|
(\__/) ||
(•ㅅ•) ||
/ づ
“Dammit, you know you’re going to let me take you to bed. It’s only a question of time. Why not …” He trailed off as he read the rejection in her face. His
breath released in an impatient explosion of sound as his hands clenched
into fists at his sides. “You’re sending me away?”
Aren’t you a smart kid!!
His voice held a note of barely restrained savagery. “I have no liking for women who pretend to be what they are not.” His glance over his shoulder was a burning sword thrust. “You’re no prim schoolgirl, and the only reason you let me undress you was because you wanted my hands on you. You wanted me, dammit!” The door slammed behind him with a force that shook the crystal prisms on the rim of the lamp on the bedside table.
I’d say I wish you fall overboard and get eaten by alligators, Nicky, but honestly, the poor alligators don’t deserve to spoil their stomachs on such utter garbage.
We end this chapter on Silver doing a rosary-esque (book’s words, not mine :’) ) as to Conceal don’t feel.mp3 re: Nicholas. I’d say you should feel something for him, namely disgust and fury, but you do you. Gotta keep the romance going!!
