It’s not gay if it’s on the Mississippi (3/12)

[rinkafushi]

(crossposted on Tumblr)

Last time on ~It’s not gay if it’s on the Mississipppi~: Nicholas harrasses Silver at her boarding school and gets the stern and old principal hot under the petticoat. Also, my pal Oorie immortalised our favourite con-artist’s incredible entrance.

If you want to read the whole debacle from the get-go, start here.

Note: I’ve noticed this is a mess in mobile version, but I don’t really know how to fix it, sorry!


Lee Bassinger straightened away from the rail, his pale green eyes avid with curiosity as he watched Mikhail Kuzdief stride up the gangplank. The blanket-wrapped burden slung over the Cossack’s broad shoulder was squirming and kicking vigorously, and a swath of long, silky dark hair suddenly became visible as the blanket loosened.

He rightfully wonders if Nicholas doesn't have enough whores around as is, but has to up the ante on being gross of course in order to make Nicholas not look like the worst human on Earth in order to prove he’s a capital-V villain:

His thin lips curved in an empty smile. “I suppose it could be that he prefers unwilling women occasionally. Well, so do I. Perhaps we could share her.”

Mikhail did not answer, and his glance brushed Bassinger as if he didn’t exist when he strode past him down the deck and then up the wide staircase toward the staterooms.

Kick him overboard, Mikhail, I beg of you.



He knew very well that Savron did not force his bed partners . All the bastard had to do was smile at a woman and she would perform acts Bassinger had to use a whip to persuade the little pullets to do for him.

Okay, first of, you don't know. You've known this guy for a few days during which you were all too drunk and horny to have any real experience as a character witness. And just because he didn't rape the girls on board doesnt mean he never did or would in general. Second, we have of course to establish that he's so capital-E evil that he even has to whip prostitutes to force them to have sex with him.

He wasn’t a patient man, and having to smile and be civil to Savron and his coterie had caused the hatred to fester within him until it almost choked him.



Turns out he is in fact plotting revenge against Nicholas in some shape or form, because of course he is, and now thinks that messing with the girl Nicholas has brought on board is a prime opportunity.

Mikhail threw open the door to Nicholas’s cabin and strode into the stateroom. Nicholas rose easily to his feet, his gaze on the bundle over the Cossack’s shoulder.

“Good, God, Mikhail , did you have to use two blankets? She must be smothering under there.”

He might seem like a sociopathic rapey jerk but at least he's civil about it sometimes! Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!

Mikhail mentions he should have brought a whole army with him, really, and then again gives me very mixed signals:

Mikhail tossed the blankets on the floor and reached over to pull the gag from Silver’s mouth, quickly jerking his hand away as her strong white teeth snapped at him. “She is a wild animal.” There was a curious note of pride in his expression as he gazed down at Silver’s face. “If I had not taken her by surprise, I do not think I would have been able to overpower her. She is a fine, strong warrior.” He carefully brushed a strand of hair from Silver’s eyes, his expression gentle. “It is all right now. No one is going to hurt you.”

Mikhail stop being creepy towards women D:

“But I will hurt you.” Silver glared up at him fiercely, still struggling desperately against her bonds. “You can’t do this.”

“It appears that he can because he has.” Nicholas strode forward to stand over her. Her long hair was lying in wild silken disarray against the peach-colored velvet of the spread and he felt a sudden thrust of desire tighten his groin.

I'm really rooting for Silver here, and again all of this is made so much worse by the POV switches. We start this with Nicholas planning to abduct her to get to her uncle, which is a dick move, but it could work in setting up a romance with an angle of “we won't harm you and have innocent intentions for the most part”. But the novel constantly has to remind us that he has the worst hard-on for her which at this point already overshadows the original motivation behind the kidnapping (and wouldn't it make more sense for him to have conflicted feelings about being attracted to someone who reportedly had a hand in the lynching of his favorite cousin?). Meanwhile, Silver’s POV stating that she also had the hots for him from the get-go is there to somehow make it all okay. Blergh.

Nicholas notes she curses like his groom and wonders if they should untie her.

“Only if you wish to relieve yourself of a few fistfuls of excess hair,” Mikhail said dryly, gingerly touching his own tousled red mop. “Before I got her hands tied I was sure she would strip me bald. Best wait until you have talked reason to her.”

You brought this into yourself, so don't expect pity. Even if you have a life debt and marriage certificate for Nicholas, don't kidnap young girls.

Nicholas smiled. “And it will be fascinating to watch your attempts. I may even be sorry to see you depart after you tell me where your uncle has disappeared to.”

“You’ll be sorrier to see me stay,” Silver hissed.

Admittedly good comeback. Punch him the dick, Silver, it's not too late yet!

Nicholas tells her he'll untie her once they're a safe distance from the shore, and then blatantly lies through his teeth:

“Hear the paddles? Since I gave orders to cast off as soon as Mikhail came aboard, that should be very soon. I have no liking for bondage of any kind.”

Your book two spanking session disagrees.

“You lie! And my presence here is proof of it.”

A flicker of anger crossed his face. “I believe you’re beginning to annoy me. So far you’ve cursed like a sailor, threatened me, and called me a liar.”

I'm completely justified in my anger, as all I've done by comparison is abduct you, insult and threaten you!! How dare you not be polite with me! You're the worst kidnapping victim I've ever forcefully encountered!

“Let me loose and I’ll do more than that to you. I’ll stick my knife in you as I did your friend.”

If only you would stab him and spare us all this drama :')

Nicholas, being the shitty boyfriend that he is, only now notices that Mikhail is bleeding a bit.

Mikhail shrugged depreciatingly. “A pinprick .” He bent down and pulled a small dagger out of his boot and tossed it to Nicholas. “Yet it might be wise to remember she is not without fangs.”

Mikhail is tough and shaped by harsh winters in Cossack tundra, what's being stabbed to him!!! In Cossack Russia, you stab knife!

“Like all vipers.”

Now it would have been cool if this had been foreshadowing towards the knife being coated in poison and her taking advantage of people underestimating a girl stabbing them with such a short blade, but I'm definitely expecting too much here, aren't I.

Nicholas looked down at the dagger, his beautifully molded features hard as the marble of a tombstone . “She could have killed you. I should have gone myself, my friend.”

Yes, I wish you'd die over Mikhail also. Bro, I'd die for you #nohomo

Mikhail downplays the injury.

Bewilderment pierced the seething fury Silver was experiencing . It was clear the big Russian was defending her from Nicholas Savron’s anger. Why would he help the prince abduct her and then rush to her defense?

Because he, unlike certain others in this magnum opus, is a decent human being. Most of the time. Maybe.

“Do you need a doctor?” Nicholas asked gently. “I’ll have Robert dock again and send someone for help.”

“The woman-”

“The woman is not worth one drop of your blood.” Nicholas gave Silver a glance as cold as winter sleet. “I will deal with her later.”

T H E    S T R A I G H T E S T

Nicholas warns Silver that while Mikhail seems to have taken a shine to her, he hasn’t, and he does it in the most hetero way possible, of course:

“But you’d do well to be afraid of me. I value Mikhail, and I don’t think I’ve ever been quite so angry with anyone in my entire life.”



Angrier than the time my philandering mother caused my father's death and then pimped me out. Angrier than the time my grandfather tried to unjustly murder Mikhail and me. Angrier than the time someone lynched my cousin, which is the reason I came to America on the first place. I'm very straight for my Cossack bro.

Mikhail tries to defuse the situation, but Silver is having none of it.

“Only a woman,” Silver repeated indignantly. “A woman can do anything a man can do. She can do more. Why do-”

“Shut up!” Nicholas enunciated with great precision.

If only any of you would!

Nicholas kicks Mikhail out to get his wound bandaged.

Nicholas’s gaze was narrowed on Silver’s face. “I have a fancy to prove myself to the lady.”

Our romantic hero! :’)

Mikhail reminds him that he promised not to rape hurt the girl, and Nicholas is angry that he would defend the girl who stabbed him. Honestly, what bad manners this abductee has.

Mikhail turned toward the door and then glanced over his shoulder at Silver, a gentle smile lighting his craggy features . “I will be back soon. Do not be afraid.”

Silver glared at him. “I’m not afraid and I need no protection.” Mikhail slowly shook his head and shut the door quietly behind him.

I love you, Mikhail, your shit taste in boyfriends withstanding.

“Very wise. I’m holding on to my temper by a very precarious margin, Silver.”

He sat down on the bed beside her, not touching her, but close enough so that she could feel the heat emanating from his body. The faint scent of musk, brandy, and tobacco drifted to her nostrils.

Because she still has time to go OH NO HE'S HOT after all this!!!! How hashtag relatable, am I right, ladies!!!

Nicholas tells her he’ll let her go if she tells him where Dominic is.

Silver drew a deep breath. Lord, she hated lies. Still, if it would give Dominic a little more time.

This is not the moment for moral dilemmas about lying to your choleric kidnapper!! Or rather, all you should worry about is what might happen to you if he finds out you lied!! Not about whether it goes against your aesthetics of being brutally honest and not like other girls(tm)!!

Nicholas of course knows she's not telling the truth thanks to Simon’s report and resorts to playing his favorite record:

Nicholas’s expression hardened. “I see you’re as prone to falsehood as the rest of your sex is .

YOU'RE JUST LIKE OTHER GIRLS(TM)

It’s obvious asking you for the truth will accomplish nothing, and I admit I’m a trifle disappointed. I thought you more honest than most.”

I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T LIKE OTHER GIRLS(TM) :( SO DISSAPPOINT

A flush stung Silver’s cheeks. “I’m honest with those I respect. You deserve only lies from me. I’ll tell you nothing about Dominic.”

I’m starting to wonder if you want to die. There’s being naive and reckless, and being downright suicidal.

Nicholas declares that he’ll simply keep her as his hostage to draw her uncle out of hiding.

Nicholas’s long, shapely hand reached out and smoothed her hair back from one temple, his touch as delicate as the brush of the wings of a butterfly. “There is no one to help you here.

This is how you write a creepy serial killer, not the romantic lead :’)

This boat belongs to me and you’ll find no one interested in any plea for aid. Mikhail and my friend, Valentin, are completely loyal to me. I have a party of acquaintances on board, but I assure you their only interest is to have an amusing time. They include fifteen or so strumpets from a New Orleans brothel and a number of gentlemen whose idea of pleasure would cause even you to blush.” His gaze ran over her, touching on the primness of her dark blue school uniform. “I’ve told Valentin to inform them you’re the resident of a similar baudy house in St. Louis and that you specialize in a pretense of little-girl purity. A certain kind of man finds that pretense very exciting, you know.”

Valentin somewhere up in the parlour, probably busy raiding the bar along with the prostitutes and instigating brawls for his own amusement:



A flicker of admiration crossed his face. “No tears? No pleas? I can almost see why Mikhail has developed a fondness for you.”

“I never cry.” She met his gaze. “And you will never hear me plead.”

“Oh, but I will.” Passion flared in the darkness of his eyes. “And it will be my very great pleasure to grant those pleas.”



Silver felt a breathless twisting sensation in the pit of her stomach. Lust. But it could not be lust when she felt only fury at this golden-haired man. Was her body’s response so mindless that it took no note of her mind’s bidding?

It’s the unfortunate side-effect of the terminal illness that is “bad erotica romance novel protagonist”, Silver. You were cursed the moment you showed up in this pile of garbage. Also... “golden-haired man” /single fanfiction veteran tear

Silver again says that she won’t receive any support from the Delaneys as a family, and Nicholas gets a sudden rush of empathy which takes us straight into Yikes(tm) territory:

He understood armor. He had worn it himself since he was a small child and he knew what hid behind it: loneliness, hurt, and wariness. He felt a sudden impulse to reach out and draw her to him, cradle her in his arms as he had never been held himself in that time so long ago.

Nothing to make us feel the sizzling tension than infantilising your heroine!! Hot!!

My God, what was he thinking? This was the tiger cat who had just sunk her fangs into Mikhail, who had watched André die a horrible death, who had taken lovers as casually as any court demimondaine. Surprisingly, it was this last thought that brought the welcome anger that burned away any hint of softness.

Of course. Stabbing your boyfriend, that’s forgiveable, but her having casual sex????? Burn the witch!!

“If I give you the opportunity, which I have no intention of doing. You will be confined in this cabin unless I give you permission to leave, and I promise you that if you bash me over the head while I’m sleeping or steal your little knife back and stick it in my heart, Valentin and Mikhail will be very displeased with you. I know you won’t believe this, but they’re both quite fond of me.”

“I don’t believe it,” she said flatly.

Well, one is fond of your money, the other has a saviour complex. “Very displeased but not furious” sounds about right, reaction wise.

Next, we get a word that has me go ????

She stared back at him unsmilingly.



Originally posted by heckyeahreactiongifs

“That door leads to the grand saloon, where you would encounter any number of gentlemen eager to drag you into the nearest stateroom and have their way with you. Please refrain from using that door under any circumstance. I intend to be the only one who’s going to have his way with you on the Rose.”



They walk out onto the deck.

“I understand the Mississippi is over a mile wide in many places,” Nicholas said softly in her ear. “An impossible swim for a woman.

Because as we all know, women are such frail creatures that they simply dissolve in water after a few metres #sciencefacts

Silver still somehow doesn’t think of her own safety (and is still utterly ingorant in her POV regarding the constant rape threats he throws her way) and instead worries about the plot device Etaine.

“You’ll not hold me. I’ll find a way.” She glanced sideways at him and drew in her breath sharply. The moonlight frosted his golden hair with a silver sheen, and he was as beautiful as any ancient god. It was almost an irresistible temptation to let her gaze linger, but she forced herself to look back at the river. That angel-devil beauty was a snare, a weapon he no doubt knew well how to wield.



Silver asks what promise Mikhail was talking about.

“I promised him I would never take you against your will.”

“I see.” She tried to keep her voice emotionless, to hide the tingle of excitement his words had ignited within her.

People saying they won’t rape me always gets me super hot and bothered <3 <3

“Mikhail has a gentle heart.” His lips twisted. “He’s completely unlike myself in that respect.”

“I agree.” She turned briskly toward the stateroom. “Can you summon him from your cabin?” He nodded.

“There’s a bell pull beside the bed.”



Silver offers to ~heal~ Mikhail’s injury, because in 1874 of course no-one knows how to deal with that other than her. Or something.

He gazed at her blankly. There was no doubt of her sincerity. At that moment she had the clear simplicity of a small child.



In the next scene, Silver finishes patching up Mikhail.

Mikhail nodded as he stood up, his brawny muscles rippling in the lamplight as he reached for his tunic on the table beside him.



Silver explains that she learned what she knows about healing from growing up in an Apache village except for four months each year she spent at the Delaney ranch. Also her aunt Rising Star was married to one Joshua Delaney and died during childbirth. Silver complains that she doesn’t have her herbs to make a salve for Mikhail because he didn’t give her time to pack during her abduction.

“You gave me enough trouble without stopping to fetch luggage. Perhaps next time-”

Silver’s smile lit her face with warmth as she held up her hand to stop the flow of words.

“Next time I’ll do the snatching, Mikhail Kuzdief.”

Mikhail burst out laughing. “Only if you put on two hundred pounds and grow two feet taller, little one.”

Isn’t kidnapping fun!! :D Stockholm syndrom who

Jealousy. My God, I am actually jealous of Mikhail, Nicholas thought with amazement as he gazed at Silver Delaney’s glowing face. She had not smiled for him. It was Mikhail who had caused that sudden sunburst of radiance that made him realize yet again what a magnificently beautiful woman Silver Delaney was. Before, he had been conscious only of her stormy sensuality, now he knew she possessed an attraction infinitely more complex. He found his nails digging into the palms of his hands as his fists clenched, and he consciously forced himself to relax. But it should have been him, dammit. She should have smiled first at him.

Then maybe you should have taken a page out of Mikhail’s book and not been a total dick the entire time :’) Also... they’ve known each other for what, two hours, tops? Incredible that you’re still managing to find new sides of a person after seeing them once!!! I always thought multifacetted people were cryptids!

“If you’ve finished, perhaps Mikhail should go to bed,” Nicholas interrupted. “We wouldn’t want him to become overtired.” Mikhail looked at him in surprise.

“I am not-” He stopped and then nodded in comprehension. “I will go to bed.”

You don’t deserve a friend like Mikhail, you piece of lint.

Silver announces she also wants to go to sleep, but of course there’s only one bed. She starts stripping down very calm and collected in order to show no weakness, which I would be more on board for if her POV hadn’t informed us that she’s not worried about what he might do, but about having the hots for him :’)

“My God, you’re bold. How many other men have you undressed in front of like this?”

She didn’t answer as she slipped the strap of her camisole off one golden shoulder.

“How many, dammit?”

My male insecurity demands an answer!!11!!oneeleven!11

Silver refuses to answer that question because we need to keep the suspense regarding this misunderstanding going, goddammit! We further the misunderstanding even when she mentions a girl at her hometown’s bordello tried to get her to join. She strips some more, notices the lewd murals, and Nicholas is almost dying of a boner. It’s hard being a man :(

"You must have impressed her. Will you take off that goddam camisole?”

“You wish to see my breasts?” She shrugged. “Very well. I don’t understand why white men become so excited when a woman takes off her clothes. Indians are much more sensible. They accept a naked body as a part of nature.”

Do I hear a Noble Savage kink at 500? 600? 700? Then, to the exotic half-Apache with zero tribal connections outside exotic beauty and innocent nudity!!

“Indian children run naked unless the weather becomes cold.” She quickly finished disrobing. “Yet white children and even women are forced to wear layers and layers of clothing and become smothered with-”

I swear my tribal identity is important to me, which is why I generalise all Native Americans here!! And children and women are basically the same thing, right?

Nicholas orders here to turn around because (ﾉ⊙ヮ⊙)ﾉ～『✧~*BOOBS*~✧』

Nicholas hadn’t thought he could become more aroused, but he now realized how mistaken he had been. The muscles of his stomach twisted and he could feel his manhood thrust against the material of his trousers as his gaze moved over her.



“Enough?” she asked, lifting one winged brow. “I’m getting chilly.”

This is getting more fanfic lingo by the paragraph. Amazing.

“Come here.”

“Why?” He looked up impatiently. “My dear Silver, the reason couldn’t be more obvious.” He glanced down at his lower body and made a face. “Oh, yes, very obvious.”

“Why?” she repeated.

A muscle jerked in his cheek. “To consummate the fire you’ve built so skillfully. I want to touch you.”

“But you can’t touch me.” Her gray eyes met his with absolutely no expression. “That wasn’t what I intended at all.”

His gaze narrowed on her face. “And just what did you intend?”

“I wanted you to hurt.” Her voice was suddenly fierce. “I wanted you to want me as men always want women and not be able to touch me.”

You sure have a lot of trust into the promise he made to Mikhail, girl. That, and no sense of self-preservation whatsoever!

Silver explains that it’s his comeuppance for abducting her even though she has important stuff to do regarding the circus. Again, she doesn’t clarify it’s not about a lover because we need that drama!

He could feel the fury surging through him, blinding, hot, breathtaking. Anger almost as intense as the desire that was a jagged torment in his body.

Husband material, totally.

"I thought I had learned all the wicked little tricks a woman could find to torture a man. I was wrong.” He stood over her, his gaze meeting her own. “I supposed I should have expected that you would be especially well versed in such arts. I’ve heard that savages were skillful in the ways of torture.”

She flinched. “We are, but we acquired most of our knowledge from the white man. We never flaunted killing until they taught us how to scalp and count coup. How many scalps have you hung at your belt, Nicholas?”

“I’ve never counted.” His hand suddenly tangled in her hair and jerked her head back. “But I believe I’m about to start.”



Racism, threat of rape and violence, disrespect for her boundaries, didn’t we catch ourselves a dreamboat here? :’)

She had a fleeting memory of the first moment she had seen him, when she had thought he looked like a sensual Apollo. that resemblance was even more pronounced now. He was a deity burning, Apollo in a fever of passion. A woman would have had to be made of ice not to be stirred by Nicholas Savron in that moment. Ice, Silver prayed desperately. She must be ice.

Because fire cannot melt ice, you see ( ಠωಠ) ?

“I think you’re a woman who must always have a challenge. Well, I intend to accommodate you. I won’t force you. I won’t even touch you without your permission.” His finger trailed lazily down her cheek to the corner of her mouth.

You. Are. Touching. Her. Without. Her. Permission. In. This. Very. Moment. (╬ ಠ益ಠ)

“And I have one other advantage not available to you. There are any number of women on this boat who will allow me the relief you deny me, and I have no intention of allowing you to receive a similiar satisfaction from any other man. If you burn, you must appeal to me for relief.”

|￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣|
|               Masturbation          |
|       is a thing women can     |
|                do as well              |
|＿＿＿＿＿you twat＿＿＿＿|
          (\__/)   ||  
          (•ㅅ•)   ||
         /  　  づ

No one should be allowed to victimize another human being, and he had victimized both Etaine and herself. It made no difference that he knew nothing about the child.

But correcting this misunderstanding and telling him a child’s life is at stake? Naaaaah.

Silver angsts some more about Etaine and eventually falls asleep. Time for POV change and some more infantilisation!! I’m sure you’ve missed it dearly!

Silver was asleep. Her golden cheek was cradled on the softness of the white muslin of the pillow, her dark lashes forming feathery shadows on the beautiful line of her high cheekbones. She slept deeply, like a child exhausted from a day at play.



Dammit, it wasn’t fair for her to look so innocently vulnerable. This was the woman who had stabbed Mikhail with her dagger, who had taunted him with her body, who had confessed to frequenting whorehouses. Why was there no sign of dissipation or corruption on her face?

Maybe she’s Dorian Gray. Or maybe you’re a shit bloke who makes all kinds of wrong assumptions. Whichever is more likely.

God, no child should feel such a strong need to protect herself, he thought with a strange tightness constricting his chest. Child. He had not thought of her as a child before this. In spite of her youth, she had seemed as totally adult and womanly as any Eve or Delilah.

*ring ring* Hello, police?? :’)

Hell and damnation, that was all he wanted to see. He didn’t want to think of her as a child growing up torn between Indian and white and yet wanted by neither. He didn’t want to remember how painful it was being uprooted from the land you loved and sent to live among strangers. All he wanted was to lie down beside her in this bed and lose himself in her body. It was passion not tenderness he wanted from Silver. Yet he couldn’t deny it was tenderness he was feeling for her now. Aching poignant tenderness that was almost unbearable in its intensity. Unexplainable, frustrating tenderness. His hand impulsively reached out to touch the flowing richness of her hair.

Good thing we all know that this sudden character development won’t stick around and we don’t have to worry about beginning to develop sympathy for this jerk.

His Cossack training told him he was a fool to let an enemy rest and gain strength, and his body told him he was worse than a fool not to appease the lust besetting it.

~*~*✧*:･ﾟ✧~  #justcossackthings ~✧*:･ﾟ✧*~*~

He would search out an empty stateroom and lie chastely in its bed, planning his campaign against the dubious virtue of Silver Delaney.

The thought of chastity in connection with himself caused his smile to become a chuckle of genuine amusement as he quietly slipped out of the stateroom and locked the door behind him.

I’m in stitches, totally.

Sorry for making all of you probably almost throw up a few times! I’m not sure why the first chapters of this mess are so torturously long, but hey, brither things are on the horizon!!! I mean, also bad sex scenes, probably, but have a sneak preview of the first paragraph of chapter #4:

“Awaken, sweet damsel.” A knock had sounded on the door and the deep masculine voice that immediately followed was definitely not that of Nicholas Savron. “I’ve brought you a breakfast fit for the gods. Well, perhaps not the gods, they were noted for very peculiar tastes at times, but certainly fit for anyone who inhabits this mortal plane.”