Let Me
Title: Let Me
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis - AU
Series: part of the Overs & Unders ‘verse
Characters/Pairing: Sheppard/Lorne
Rating: NC-17
Orientation: Slash
Word Count: 2,001
Prompt: Hurt Comfort Fill: Panic Attacks
Orgasm Control/denial
The wall behind Kate was that same blue-ish green that permeated the city. John thought that it needed a painting or something on it. Something to look at when he was avoiding her stare. She stared at him frequently, with her chin propped up on one fist on her desk. She said “uh-hum” and “how did that make you feel?” a lot.
She made him feel small and stupid and weak most of the time. Examining his life, the choices he had made, the things he had done and the things that had been done to him usually left him upset and drained by the time he escaped her office. He knew she was trying to help, she didn’t mean to cause him pain, but just by the nature of what she was doing, she did.
"Have you had any episodes since we last met?"
John stared at the wall and then nodded reluctantly. "A small one. Evan talked me through it." He knew she wouldn't let that slide; part of the reason he still had to come to see her for the mandatory sessions was because of his frequent panic attacks. She was going to make him talk about it.
“So, how are things between you and Evan?” she asked, a typical question during a session. He didn’t mind that one - Evan was safe territory. Evan was just safe. He could answer this one without any trouble.
“Good, Evan is good.”
Then came the question he knew was coming and had been nervous about. “Anything new in the last few days?”
“Sex,” he replied quietly, looking down at his sneakers.
“Intimacy?” she was surprised.
“Uh huh.”
She leaned forward over the desk. “And you were okay with everything?”
“Yeah. I wanted to.”
Kate smiled and made a note on her datapad. “Evan is different than your previous overs, isn’t he?”
He snorted and covered his mouth with one hand. “Yeah.” At least she wasn’t asking for details. He hadn’t been certain how much he would tell her about the night he had gone down on Evan.
“It was a good experience, this new intimacy?”
“I didn’t freak out.” John was proud of that, he’d been worried what he would do, that first time. But Evan hadn’t demanded anything, hadn’t even asked John to disrobe, and he’d seemed pleased and John had relaxed enough to enjoy what he’d been doing for Evan.
“It concerns me that not freaking out might be a measure of your level of enjoyment, John.”
He shrugged. “Evan doesn’t force me to do anything. I like how he touches me. He lets me...”
“Let’s you what?”
“He just lets me.” John shrugged and fell silent.
She pressed him. “Tell me about a time someone didn’t let you, John, I want to understand.” Kate folded her hands on her desk and waited. She would wait for him to answer her now, she’d wait for the entire session, she’d done it before.
John leaned back against the sofa cushion and closed his eyes. “Maybourne.” It always came back to Maybourne eventually. Before Maybourne, things had been pretty normal, not perfect, but not crazy. “He... do I have to talk about this?”
“John, I thought we were past this,” there was disappointment in Kate’s tone. “Nothing you say will shock or upset me.”
She wasn’t the one that was liable to get upset. “Fine. He made me stroke off and then he used to snap a metal cock ring on me, to keep me hard. But after it was on, I wasn’t allowed to touch myself when he was... during sex.” He shuddered and shifted as his cock twitched painfully at the memory.
Kate made a note and urged him to continue. “You didn’t like the cock ring.” The word flowed off her tongue so easily, when it had almost choked him to talk about it.
John shook his head. “No, it hurt. The kind he used was the sort that wrapped around... everything. It was tight. Too tight. He wanted it to hurt me. I wasn’t supposed to enjoy what he did.”
“That fits with what I know about him. You understand that Maybourne was wrong, don’t you John? That what he did to you without your consent was wrong?”
He’d heard that refrain so often it annoyed him now. He nodded and tilted his head back against the cushion. “Yeah, yeah. I know.”
“I interrupted you, please continue, John.”
“Right, yeah. So, when he was done... using me... he used to make me jerk myself, but he wouldn’t take the ring off, so I couldn’t come. He left it on way longer than you’re supposed to. I was always sore and aching by the time he finally let me out of it. Sometimes I was bruised. And really not in the mood to, you know, after that.”
She nodded. “I understand.”
“He made me keep going, even though it hurt. But he wouldn’t let me finish.” John squirmed in his seat.
“What did he do to you John?”
“Sometimes he grabbed my cock or balls and squeezed or twisted me. If I made any noise or tried to squirm away, he’d beat me. Other times, he punched me in the nuts... or kicked me. Anyway, I rarely came. If I did, he got angry and I got punished.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t know.”
She sighed. “Take a minute and think about it.”
He ran a hand over his face. “Then, I thought it was the way it was supposed to be, that I deserved it.”
“And now?”
“Now, I think I’m confused. When I think about Maybourne, I remember pain and being nervous and afraid all the time.”
She sat quietly regarding him. Waiting him out.
“I don’t like thinking about him.”
“I know.”
“I hate being like this.”
“You’re making progress John.”
“Can I go? I don’t want to talk anymore today.”
She gave him a hard look and then nodded. He was up off the sofa in a heartbeat and on the way to the door.
~*~
Evan was on the balcony reading when John got back to their quarters. He went straight out and dropped to his knees beside the chair and pressed his face to Evan’s middle. A firm hand stroked over John’s head. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” John mumbled against Evan’s belly.
Evan ruffled his hair playfully. “Need to mess things up?”
“No,” John chuckled and pulled back, looking up at Evan. “Can I tell you something? Something about Maybourne?”
Standing up, Evan took a step towards the door, holding out his hand. “You can tell me anything. Let’s go inside.”
It was weird, sometimes, the things Evan did. John took his hand and let himself be pulled up. He expected Evan to let go of him, but he didn’t, he continued to hold his hand, leading him inside to the sofa and pulling him down beside him.
John stared at his hands. This had seemed like a good idea, when he had thought of it in Kate’s office, but now he wasn’t so sure. “I... Kate makes me talk about stuff that happened. But it’s her job. And she makes notes and she’s nice enough but...”
“But what?” Evan urged when he faltered and lost his train of thought.
“I feel so raw after I talk to her. Exposed. Like I’m under a microscope.”
Evan wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled John up against him. “Yeah. Therapists can have that effect.”
“I know I have to go there.”
“Unfortunately, yeah.”
“She made me talk about Maybourne again.” John shifted on the sofa. “Could you take the cock cage off me now?”
Evan pulled his arm away and sat up immediately. “Sure, of course. You should have said something sooner.”
“I didn’t want it off until now.” John watched Evan’s hands as his over undid his trousers and pulled the lock off the cage and slid it off and set it on the sofa beside them. He carefully lifted John’s cock, turning it from side to side, checking him over for marks or redness. When he went to move his hand away, John closed his hand over Evan’s and met his eyes. “Keep touching me, please?”
“Is this a test of some kind?” Evan asked softly, though he continued to hold John in his hand.
John gave a shrug. “Maybe a little one.”
Evan kept looking him in the eye as he began to gently stroke him. When John started to get hard, he shifted back a little, prepared for Evan to react. “I...”
“Easy, take it easy.” Evan leaned in and kissed him lightly on the mouth, another Evan thing, none of his previous overs had been much for kisses or casual caresses. But Evan touched him a lot, softly, kindly, and often or no reason. “Lean back a little, relax. Tell me if you’re uncomfortable, okay?”
He nodded and reclined against the arm of the sofa as Evan held his cock and continued to stroke him. Maybe he really was crazy. What was he doing? What had possessed him to ask Evan to do this? “He wouldn’t let me come.” John blurted and then blushed and closed his eyes, unable to look at Evan as Evan’s hand faltered on his cock.
“He didn’t?”
“No. If I did, he punished me.”
Evan stopped stroking him, his hand moved up to rest on John’s belly. “That’s... I don’t know what to say to that, John.”
Squeezing his eyes shut, John moved a hand around until he caught Evan’s hand and moved it back to his groin. “Don’t stop, please.”
“Oh, right, sorry.” Evan resumed the steady up and down stroke on John’s shaft. “Feel okay?”
“Yeah, it does.” John opened his eyes and saw that Evan was watching him. He turned his head.
Evan reached up with his free hand and grasped his chin. “You don’t have to look away. Don’t be embarrassed.” He gave a twist and John gasped and bucked up into his hand. He was gripping the sofa cushion in his left hand. He flailed his right hand in the air, not certain what to do with it.
“I...” he gave Evan a helpless look.
“You can touch me, or yourself, John, whatever you want to do.”
Tentatively, he put his hand to Evan’s hair. He twined his fingers through the soft strands and let them drift along his scalp. He ran a finger over the edge of one ear, exploring. All the while, Evan maintained eye contact as he continued to touch him.
“I’m close,” John gasped, thrusting up again.
His over gave a chuckle. “Whenever you’re ready.”
He expected Evan to let go and sit up to let John finish the task. “But, you’re still... do you want me to? I can do it myself.”
“Nonsense. This is the best part. Let go, John I want to watch.”
John gasped again, rising up off the sofa. “You mean that?”
“Yup. Come for me, John,” Evan urged with a smile.
When he did, he sprayed all over Evan’s hand, though he managed to bite down on his groans. “I made a mess today after all,” John muttered, watching Evan wipe his hand on his shirt.
“A good kind.” Evan patted his belly and sat up. “Did I pass your test?”
He nodded and reached down to do up his trousers. His mind was awhirl with new thoughts.
~*~
Later that night, in bed, John slid between the covers and touched a hand to Evan’s arm. “Can I ask you a favor?”
“Of course.”
“Would you come with me sometimes, when I have to go see Kate? It’s just, I think maybe if you were there, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to talk to her about... him.”
“If you think it would help, I’ll arrange to be there,” Evan replied, sliding his arm around John and pulling him close.
John was relieved at the answer. “Yeah. Yeah, that might help.” He pressed closer to Evan and rested his chin on Evan’s shoulder as his over rubbed his back.
As he drifted off to sleep, he thought that maybe Evan wasn’t the weird one. Maybe this was the way things were actually supposed to be. The thought made him smile.
The EndOriginally posted at http://rinkafic.dreamwidth.org/
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis - AU
Series: part of the Overs & Unders ‘verse
Characters/Pairing: Sheppard/Lorne
Rating: NC-17
Orientation: Slash
Word Count: 2,001
Prompt: Hurt Comfort Fill: Panic Attacks
Orgasm Control/denial
The wall behind Kate was that same blue-ish green that permeated the city. John thought that it needed a painting or something on it. Something to look at when he was avoiding her stare. She stared at him frequently, with her chin propped up on one fist on her desk. She said “uh-hum” and “how did that make you feel?” a lot.
She made him feel small and stupid and weak most of the time. Examining his life, the choices he had made, the things he had done and the things that had been done to him usually left him upset and drained by the time he escaped her office. He knew she was trying to help, she didn’t mean to cause him pain, but just by the nature of what she was doing, she did.
"Have you had any episodes since we last met?"
John stared at the wall and then nodded reluctantly. "A small one. Evan talked me through it." He knew she wouldn't let that slide; part of the reason he still had to come to see her for the mandatory sessions was because of his frequent panic attacks. She was going to make him talk about it.
“So, how are things between you and Evan?” she asked, a typical question during a session. He didn’t mind that one - Evan was safe territory. Evan was just safe. He could answer this one without any trouble.
“Good, Evan is good.”
Then came the question he knew was coming and had been nervous about. “Anything new in the last few days?”
“Sex,” he replied quietly, looking down at his sneakers.
“Intimacy?” she was surprised.
“Uh huh.”
She leaned forward over the desk. “And you were okay with everything?”
“Yeah. I wanted to.”
Kate smiled and made a note on her datapad. “Evan is different than your previous overs, isn’t he?”
He snorted and covered his mouth with one hand. “Yeah.” At least she wasn’t asking for details. He hadn’t been certain how much he would tell her about the night he had gone down on Evan.
“It was a good experience, this new intimacy?”
“I didn’t freak out.” John was proud of that, he’d been worried what he would do, that first time. But Evan hadn’t demanded anything, hadn’t even asked John to disrobe, and he’d seemed pleased and John had relaxed enough to enjoy what he’d been doing for Evan.
“It concerns me that not freaking out might be a measure of your level of enjoyment, John.”
He shrugged. “Evan doesn’t force me to do anything. I like how he touches me. He lets me...”
“Let’s you what?”
“He just lets me.” John shrugged and fell silent.
She pressed him. “Tell me about a time someone didn’t let you, John, I want to understand.” Kate folded her hands on her desk and waited. She would wait for him to answer her now, she’d wait for the entire session, she’d done it before.
John leaned back against the sofa cushion and closed his eyes. “Maybourne.” It always came back to Maybourne eventually. Before Maybourne, things had been pretty normal, not perfect, but not crazy. “He... do I have to talk about this?”
“John, I thought we were past this,” there was disappointment in Kate’s tone. “Nothing you say will shock or upset me.”
She wasn’t the one that was liable to get upset. “Fine. He made me stroke off and then he used to snap a metal cock ring on me, to keep me hard. But after it was on, I wasn’t allowed to touch myself when he was... during sex.” He shuddered and shifted as his cock twitched painfully at the memory.
Kate made a note and urged him to continue. “You didn’t like the cock ring.” The word flowed off her tongue so easily, when it had almost choked him to talk about it.
John shook his head. “No, it hurt. The kind he used was the sort that wrapped around... everything. It was tight. Too tight. He wanted it to hurt me. I wasn’t supposed to enjoy what he did.”
“That fits with what I know about him. You understand that Maybourne was wrong, don’t you John? That what he did to you without your consent was wrong?”
He’d heard that refrain so often it annoyed him now. He nodded and tilted his head back against the cushion. “Yeah, yeah. I know.”
“I interrupted you, please continue, John.”
“Right, yeah. So, when he was done... using me... he used to make me jerk myself, but he wouldn’t take the ring off, so I couldn’t come. He left it on way longer than you’re supposed to. I was always sore and aching by the time he finally let me out of it. Sometimes I was bruised. And really not in the mood to, you know, after that.”
She nodded. “I understand.”
“He made me keep going, even though it hurt. But he wouldn’t let me finish.” John squirmed in his seat.
“What did he do to you John?”
“Sometimes he grabbed my cock or balls and squeezed or twisted me. If I made any noise or tried to squirm away, he’d beat me. Other times, he punched me in the nuts... or kicked me. Anyway, I rarely came. If I did, he got angry and I got punished.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t know.”
She sighed. “Take a minute and think about it.”
He ran a hand over his face. “Then, I thought it was the way it was supposed to be, that I deserved it.”
“And now?”
“Now, I think I’m confused. When I think about Maybourne, I remember pain and being nervous and afraid all the time.”
She sat quietly regarding him. Waiting him out.
“I don’t like thinking about him.”
“I know.”
“I hate being like this.”
“You’re making progress John.”
“Can I go? I don’t want to talk anymore today.”
She gave him a hard look and then nodded. He was up off the sofa in a heartbeat and on the way to the door.
~*~
Evan was on the balcony reading when John got back to their quarters. He went straight out and dropped to his knees beside the chair and pressed his face to Evan’s middle. A firm hand stroked over John’s head. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” John mumbled against Evan’s belly.
Evan ruffled his hair playfully. “Need to mess things up?”
“No,” John chuckled and pulled back, looking up at Evan. “Can I tell you something? Something about Maybourne?”
Standing up, Evan took a step towards the door, holding out his hand. “You can tell me anything. Let’s go inside.”
It was weird, sometimes, the things Evan did. John took his hand and let himself be pulled up. He expected Evan to let go of him, but he didn’t, he continued to hold his hand, leading him inside to the sofa and pulling him down beside him.
John stared at his hands. This had seemed like a good idea, when he had thought of it in Kate’s office, but now he wasn’t so sure. “I... Kate makes me talk about stuff that happened. But it’s her job. And she makes notes and she’s nice enough but...”
“But what?” Evan urged when he faltered and lost his train of thought.
“I feel so raw after I talk to her. Exposed. Like I’m under a microscope.”
Evan wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled John up against him. “Yeah. Therapists can have that effect.”
“I know I have to go there.”
“Unfortunately, yeah.”
“She made me talk about Maybourne again.” John shifted on the sofa. “Could you take the cock cage off me now?”
Evan pulled his arm away and sat up immediately. “Sure, of course. You should have said something sooner.”
“I didn’t want it off until now.” John watched Evan’s hands as his over undid his trousers and pulled the lock off the cage and slid it off and set it on the sofa beside them. He carefully lifted John’s cock, turning it from side to side, checking him over for marks or redness. When he went to move his hand away, John closed his hand over Evan’s and met his eyes. “Keep touching me, please?”
“Is this a test of some kind?” Evan asked softly, though he continued to hold John in his hand.
John gave a shrug. “Maybe a little one.”
Evan kept looking him in the eye as he began to gently stroke him. When John started to get hard, he shifted back a little, prepared for Evan to react. “I...”
“Easy, take it easy.” Evan leaned in and kissed him lightly on the mouth, another Evan thing, none of his previous overs had been much for kisses or casual caresses. But Evan touched him a lot, softly, kindly, and often or no reason. “Lean back a little, relax. Tell me if you’re uncomfortable, okay?”
He nodded and reclined against the arm of the sofa as Evan held his cock and continued to stroke him. Maybe he really was crazy. What was he doing? What had possessed him to ask Evan to do this? “He wouldn’t let me come.” John blurted and then blushed and closed his eyes, unable to look at Evan as Evan’s hand faltered on his cock.
“He didn’t?”
“No. If I did, he punished me.”
Evan stopped stroking him, his hand moved up to rest on John’s belly. “That’s... I don’t know what to say to that, John.”
Squeezing his eyes shut, John moved a hand around until he caught Evan’s hand and moved it back to his groin. “Don’t stop, please.”
“Oh, right, sorry.” Evan resumed the steady up and down stroke on John’s shaft. “Feel okay?”
“Yeah, it does.” John opened his eyes and saw that Evan was watching him. He turned his head.
Evan reached up with his free hand and grasped his chin. “You don’t have to look away. Don’t be embarrassed.” He gave a twist and John gasped and bucked up into his hand. He was gripping the sofa cushion in his left hand. He flailed his right hand in the air, not certain what to do with it.
“I...” he gave Evan a helpless look.
“You can touch me, or yourself, John, whatever you want to do.”
Tentatively, he put his hand to Evan’s hair. He twined his fingers through the soft strands and let them drift along his scalp. He ran a finger over the edge of one ear, exploring. All the while, Evan maintained eye contact as he continued to touch him.
“I’m close,” John gasped, thrusting up again.
His over gave a chuckle. “Whenever you’re ready.”
He expected Evan to let go and sit up to let John finish the task. “But, you’re still... do you want me to? I can do it myself.”
“Nonsense. This is the best part. Let go, John I want to watch.”
John gasped again, rising up off the sofa. “You mean that?”
“Yup. Come for me, John,” Evan urged with a smile.
When he did, he sprayed all over Evan’s hand, though he managed to bite down on his groans. “I made a mess today after all,” John muttered, watching Evan wipe his hand on his shirt.
“A good kind.” Evan patted his belly and sat up. “Did I pass your test?”
He nodded and reached down to do up his trousers. His mind was awhirl with new thoughts.
~*~
Later that night, in bed, John slid between the covers and touched a hand to Evan’s arm. “Can I ask you a favor?”
“Of course.”
“Would you come with me sometimes, when I have to go see Kate? It’s just, I think maybe if you were there, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to talk to her about... him.”
“If you think it would help, I’ll arrange to be there,” Evan replied, sliding his arm around John and pulling him close.
John was relieved at the answer. “Yeah. Yeah, that might help.” He pressed closer to Evan and rested his chin on Evan’s shoulder as his over rubbed his back.
As he drifted off to sleep, he thought that maybe Evan wasn’t the weird one. Maybe this was the way things were actually supposed to be. The thought made him smile.
The EndOriginally posted at http://rinkafic.dreamwidth.org/