U is for Under
Title: U is for Under
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis - AU
Series: 2nd story from the Overs & Unders ‘verse
Characters/Pairing: Sheppard/Lorne
Rating: PG
Orientation: Slash
Word Count: 2,269
Prompt: Kink Bingo Fill: “Masters Doms Subs & Slaves”
Hurt Comfort Fill: “Panic Attacks”
Content notes: mentions of past abuse. Panic attack. No other standard notes apply.
Summary: Continuing the story of Sub!John and Dom!Lorne, learning to get on together.
((Takes place immediately after the events of O is for Obedience))
Dropping his duffel bag, John looked around the room that Major Lorne had brought him to. It was painted in the same bluish-green shade as most of the corridors they had walked through. He crossed the room, passing a white sofa and curvy table in front of it to get to the balcony doors. He pressed his nose to the glass.
“You can go out, if you like,” Lorne said from behind him. He was the oddest over John had ever met. So far, he didn’t bark commands, and he hadn’t demanded anything of John. He wasn’t certain how he felt about that. He was used to following orders, doing as he was told. He supposed that there was comfort in that, it made him feel secure, knowing exactly what he was supposed to do.
John turned to Lorne. “Do you want me to?” His voice sounded horribly scratchy after not talking for so long, not like his voice at all.
Pausing at a door that must lead to a bedroom or bathroom, Major Lorne tilted his head and looked at John as if he didn’t understand the question. He sighed and leaned on the doorframe and crossed his arms, looking back at John thoughtfully. “You still need commands, don’t you?”
He looked out at the balcony and then to Major Lorne again. He wanted to go out there and smell the ocean, but something bothered him about opening the door and walking out, it made his stomach hurt. “I think I do,” he said finally after thinking about it.
“If you need it, then we’ll work that way. I want you to be comfortable John. Don’t be afraid to...” Major Lorne paused and held up a hand and rephrased what he was saying, adding a tone of command to his voice. “If something bothers you, tell me.”
John nodded, filing the order away. It was clear that Major Lorne and Doctor Heightmeyer were really trying to help him. He wanted to do his best to do what they wanted. He felt good when his over was pleased.
“Go out and enjoy the view,” Lorne told him, waving towards the balcony.
Happily, John opened the door and ran over to the railing, leaning over and inhaling deeply. The water spread out from the alien city in all directions as far as he could see. He had missed the scent of salt water, and surfing. One of his overs in college had taught him to surf and he had loved it. He looked over his shoulder when he heard a noise behind him. “Isn’t there any land, Major Lorne?” he asked. Was that his voice? It sounded so odd to his ears. He had hated that command to not speak. He had hated a lot of things about Colonel Maybourne, he had been the worst over John had ever met.
“Call me Evan, John. There’s a continent to the east, you can’t see it from this side of the city.” Lorne was leaning on the doorframe, watching him. When John yawned, he waved over his shoulder. “Come inside, you must be worn out from the trip here. Go to bed.”
He nodded and left the railing, looking out to the ocean one last time. It was nice here. It smelled good and the weird buzziness in his head tickled him in a good way. And Major Lorne... Evan seemed okay so far. He went inside to the bedroom that Evan led him to. He stood near the bed and undid his belt. Then he looked at Evan.
“The bathroom is that way,” Evan said, pointing.
“May I use it?”
John could tell the question surprised Evan. He looked a little angry as he asked, “Maybourne didn’t let you use the bathroom?”
“Not always.” John had gotten very good at holding it.
“I swear to God...” Evan said, throwing his hands up. “You are to use the bathroom whenever you need to.”
No schedule? No permission? He had that uneasy feeling in his stomach. John walked to the door and went into the very large bathroom. There was a shower ‘room’ that took up half of the chamber with multiple jets from three walls.
Evan came up behind him as he stood in the doorway. “I picked these quarters for the balcony and the shower. Cool, huh?”
It looked really good to John. “Good water pressure?” John asked as he wandered in and looked around. He hoped he wasn’t annoying his new over with all the questions. The toilet was a little oddly shaped, but he could see how it worked easily enough.
“Pretty good. I’ll give you some privacy.” Evan walked out, leaving John alone. He hurried through what he needed to do and ran back out to the bedroom. The knot in his stomach subsided.
Evan was sitting in a chair, reading from a tablet. John stood beside the bed, looking from it to Evan and back. He’d been told to go to bed, but he had not been told to undress. Did Evan want him naked and ready for sex? What did going to bed here entail? He didn’t know and he felt stupid.
“John?”
“I’m confused.”
“Lie down and sleep,” Evan said patiently when he looked up from the tablet.
Evan didn’t understand why he was confused. “Do you want me prepared for sex?”
“Oh. No. Not tonight. I want you to sleep. Wear what you’re comfortable sleeping in...” John shifted from foot to foot at the vague direction and Evan amended, “Strip to your shorts.”
Relieved at the clarification, John kicked off his sneakers, took off his flannel shirt and shucked his jeans, folding everything and setting the clothing on the edge of the dresser. He tugged his t-shirt over his head and was folding it when he heard Evan say, “Wait. Come here.”
He walked over and turned around when Evan spun his finger in a circle. His over stood up and John felt a tentative touch on his back. “What could you have possibly done to deserve this?” Evan asked.
“I wasn’t fast enough. Didn’t clean good enough. Wasn’t ready when I was supposed to be...” He started to list the reasons he remembered for each whipping.
Evan’s fingers stroked over the scars on his back then he grasped John’s shoulder and turned him around. “This is not right,” Evan whispered. “I won’t punish you, John.”
He blinked. He had always been punished, even before Maybourne with his admittedly extreme disciplines. There was always something that he had done wrong. If he were not punished, how would he know when he was doing something wrong?
The pain in his stomach was back. It was hard to breathe. He clutched his middle and panted in short quick breaths. Uncertain what to do, he turned in a circle and then back again, slightly bent over as his stomach clenched painfully.
“John? What’s wrong? Talk to me.”
“Can’t breathe. Hurts,” he whispered frantically as Evan grabbed his arms.
Evan held him still and looked into John’s face, speaking sternly. ”You’re panicking on me. Easy, calm down. Everything is fine, you’re safe. Breath slowly or you’ll hyperventilate.” John tried to obey, taking slower breaths. Having his over holding him tightly, restricting his movements was helping him to center and focus. ”Okay, better, that’s better.”
His head hurt now. And he felt like he was going to throw up. He wanted to curl up in the closet, in the dark, he wondered if Evan would give him permission to do that. It had been a punishment from Maybourne, but John had liked it, it soothed him. Evan pushed his long hair out of his face. They had made an appointment for the barber the next morning to get it cut. “Do you need the punishments?”
“How will I know if I’m wrong?”
Evan sighed and rolled his eyes. “Why don’t we come at it from you knowing when you’ve done right instead?” He stared at his new over. Done right? It was not what John was used to. But did that make it wrong? The doctors at the SGC had tried to convince him that Colonel Maybourne had been behaving illegally, and had not treated John properly.
“I think you’ve been punished enough, how about some positive stuff for a while? If it doesn’t work, I’ll take you over my knee and spank you. I promise, we’ll find a way to do this that is good for both of us, John.”
He nodded, willing to try things Evan’s way. It would obviously please his new over. “Okay.”
Evan clasped his cheeks and pulled his face down. He was a few inches shorter than John, which John only realized at that moment. He kissed John’s forehead. “You’re doing everything right, John. I’m very happy so far, this is going very well. Now, go over there and get into bed and rest.”
John went to the bed and pulled down the covers and climbed in. He was asleep before he’d fully settled his head on the pillow.
~*~
When John began to snore lightly, Evan went into the bathroom and sank down against the wall. “Shit. Shit, shit, shit!” he swore quietly, punching a fist into his hand. How could he do this? His new under was more deeply broken than Evan had thought.
He tapped his radio, he had promised to check in with Kate before bed. “Lorne to Heightmeyer.”
“Major, hello.”
“Switch to the channel we discussed using, please.” Evan wanted this conversation to be private.
“You sound shaky,” she said when the channel was changed.
He held his head in his hands. “He had a panic attack. I thought I was going to have to take him to the infirmary.” This was her area of expertise and Evan was feeling very out of his league at the moment.
“What provoked it?”
“I told him I wasn’t going to punish him.”
She was quiet for a few moments. “I suspect that you challenged what he has always known to be true. Remember that he’s struggling to find familiarity here, Evan. He needs a new foundation, he’s very lost. Maybourne was cruel, yes, but John likely had structure and rules he understood and internalized. You took away something he probably expected to have now that he has a new over.”
Evan nodded, rubbing his eyes. “Yeah, that fits with the reaction.” He told her what had happened and how he had responded, what he had said to John.
“I think you did the right thing. You took something away, but you gave him something to replace it.”
“He expects to be commanded for every little thing, Kate. How can I keep that up?”
“You and this place are new. He’ll grow used to you, he won’t always need constant reinforcement Evan. We don’t know what the conditions were like for John under Maybourne. He’ll adapt to the way you do things, but it will take time. You’re trying to undo years of abuse, Evan.”
Evan sighed. “I’m going to beat the living shit out of Maybourne if I ever cross paths with him.”
“Get in line, the entire psych and medical departments of the SGC are ahead of you. Keep being positive with him Evan. He might try misbehaving in the next few days to test you. You’ll need to respond appropriately. Set a specific punishment and stick to it.”
“He’s not a child or a puppy, Doc!” Evan hissed.
“No, he’s a severely damaged under trying to find his boundaries. He likely won’t be consciously aware that he’s doing it. We knew there would be issues Evan.”
He banged his head against the wall behind him. “Yeah. But the theory is a lot different than having him here in front of me. Did you see his back, Kate?” Evan took a shaky breath as he remembered the layers and layers of scars.
“I read the reports.”
“How did this go on so long without someone catching on to it?”
“I would really not rather discuss cycles of abuse over the radio Evan. I’ll forward you some articles, and we can sit down and talk in my office. Or your office.”
He clicked off the radio and sat for a very long time before he was calm enough to go back to the bedroom. John was tossing and turning in his sleep and occasionally said a few words Evan couldn’t make out. Picking up the blanket from the floor, Evan sat on the bed beside John and carefully untangled the sheets from around him.
The sun had gone down and the room was growing darker. He thought the lights up to a low level. He could see the scars on John’s back. Evan hadn’t realized it earlier, but there were more on the backs of his legs. Reaching out, he hooked a finger in the waistband of John’s boxers and tugged down a little, enough to see that he was scarred there as well.
John began to whimper in his sleep, babbling a stream of refusals and denials, throwing his hands up to ward someone away.
“Shhh,” Evan soothed, rubbing circles on John’s back. “It’s okay. You’re safe, John. Shh.” He kept mumbling nonsense words and rubbing his back and stroking his head until John quieted and stopped struggling in his sleep.
Evan stretched out beside him, resting his face on his arm as he watched his new partner sleep. He knew he wouldn’t be getting much sleep himself, his mind was too full of disturbing thoughts.
The End Originally posted at http://rinkafic.dreamwidth.org/
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis - AU
Series: 2nd story from the Overs & Unders ‘verse
Characters/Pairing: Sheppard/Lorne
Rating: PG
Orientation: Slash
Word Count: 2,269
Prompt: Kink Bingo Fill: “Masters Doms Subs & Slaves”
Hurt Comfort Fill: “Panic Attacks”
Content notes: mentions of past abuse. Panic attack. No other standard notes apply.
Summary: Continuing the story of Sub!John and Dom!Lorne, learning to get on together.
((Takes place immediately after the events of O is for Obedience))
Dropping his duffel bag, John looked around the room that Major Lorne had brought him to. It was painted in the same bluish-green shade as most of the corridors they had walked through. He crossed the room, passing a white sofa and curvy table in front of it to get to the balcony doors. He pressed his nose to the glass.
“You can go out, if you like,” Lorne said from behind him. He was the oddest over John had ever met. So far, he didn’t bark commands, and he hadn’t demanded anything of John. He wasn’t certain how he felt about that. He was used to following orders, doing as he was told. He supposed that there was comfort in that, it made him feel secure, knowing exactly what he was supposed to do.
John turned to Lorne. “Do you want me to?” His voice sounded horribly scratchy after not talking for so long, not like his voice at all.
Pausing at a door that must lead to a bedroom or bathroom, Major Lorne tilted his head and looked at John as if he didn’t understand the question. He sighed and leaned on the doorframe and crossed his arms, looking back at John thoughtfully. “You still need commands, don’t you?”
He looked out at the balcony and then to Major Lorne again. He wanted to go out there and smell the ocean, but something bothered him about opening the door and walking out, it made his stomach hurt. “I think I do,” he said finally after thinking about it.
“If you need it, then we’ll work that way. I want you to be comfortable John. Don’t be afraid to...” Major Lorne paused and held up a hand and rephrased what he was saying, adding a tone of command to his voice. “If something bothers you, tell me.”
John nodded, filing the order away. It was clear that Major Lorne and Doctor Heightmeyer were really trying to help him. He wanted to do his best to do what they wanted. He felt good when his over was pleased.
“Go out and enjoy the view,” Lorne told him, waving towards the balcony.
Happily, John opened the door and ran over to the railing, leaning over and inhaling deeply. The water spread out from the alien city in all directions as far as he could see. He had missed the scent of salt water, and surfing. One of his overs in college had taught him to surf and he had loved it. He looked over his shoulder when he heard a noise behind him. “Isn’t there any land, Major Lorne?” he asked. Was that his voice? It sounded so odd to his ears. He had hated that command to not speak. He had hated a lot of things about Colonel Maybourne, he had been the worst over John had ever met.
“Call me Evan, John. There’s a continent to the east, you can’t see it from this side of the city.” Lorne was leaning on the doorframe, watching him. When John yawned, he waved over his shoulder. “Come inside, you must be worn out from the trip here. Go to bed.”
He nodded and left the railing, looking out to the ocean one last time. It was nice here. It smelled good and the weird buzziness in his head tickled him in a good way. And Major Lorne... Evan seemed okay so far. He went inside to the bedroom that Evan led him to. He stood near the bed and undid his belt. Then he looked at Evan.
“The bathroom is that way,” Evan said, pointing.
“May I use it?”
John could tell the question surprised Evan. He looked a little angry as he asked, “Maybourne didn’t let you use the bathroom?”
“Not always.” John had gotten very good at holding it.
“I swear to God...” Evan said, throwing his hands up. “You are to use the bathroom whenever you need to.”
No schedule? No permission? He had that uneasy feeling in his stomach. John walked to the door and went into the very large bathroom. There was a shower ‘room’ that took up half of the chamber with multiple jets from three walls.
Evan came up behind him as he stood in the doorway. “I picked these quarters for the balcony and the shower. Cool, huh?”
It looked really good to John. “Good water pressure?” John asked as he wandered in and looked around. He hoped he wasn’t annoying his new over with all the questions. The toilet was a little oddly shaped, but he could see how it worked easily enough.
“Pretty good. I’ll give you some privacy.” Evan walked out, leaving John alone. He hurried through what he needed to do and ran back out to the bedroom. The knot in his stomach subsided.
Evan was sitting in a chair, reading from a tablet. John stood beside the bed, looking from it to Evan and back. He’d been told to go to bed, but he had not been told to undress. Did Evan want him naked and ready for sex? What did going to bed here entail? He didn’t know and he felt stupid.
“John?”
“I’m confused.”
“Lie down and sleep,” Evan said patiently when he looked up from the tablet.
Evan didn’t understand why he was confused. “Do you want me prepared for sex?”
“Oh. No. Not tonight. I want you to sleep. Wear what you’re comfortable sleeping in...” John shifted from foot to foot at the vague direction and Evan amended, “Strip to your shorts.”
Relieved at the clarification, John kicked off his sneakers, took off his flannel shirt and shucked his jeans, folding everything and setting the clothing on the edge of the dresser. He tugged his t-shirt over his head and was folding it when he heard Evan say, “Wait. Come here.”
He walked over and turned around when Evan spun his finger in a circle. His over stood up and John felt a tentative touch on his back. “What could you have possibly done to deserve this?” Evan asked.
“I wasn’t fast enough. Didn’t clean good enough. Wasn’t ready when I was supposed to be...” He started to list the reasons he remembered for each whipping.
Evan’s fingers stroked over the scars on his back then he grasped John’s shoulder and turned him around. “This is not right,” Evan whispered. “I won’t punish you, John.”
He blinked. He had always been punished, even before Maybourne with his admittedly extreme disciplines. There was always something that he had done wrong. If he were not punished, how would he know when he was doing something wrong?
The pain in his stomach was back. It was hard to breathe. He clutched his middle and panted in short quick breaths. Uncertain what to do, he turned in a circle and then back again, slightly bent over as his stomach clenched painfully.
“John? What’s wrong? Talk to me.”
“Can’t breathe. Hurts,” he whispered frantically as Evan grabbed his arms.
Evan held him still and looked into John’s face, speaking sternly. ”You’re panicking on me. Easy, calm down. Everything is fine, you’re safe. Breath slowly or you’ll hyperventilate.” John tried to obey, taking slower breaths. Having his over holding him tightly, restricting his movements was helping him to center and focus. ”Okay, better, that’s better.”
His head hurt now. And he felt like he was going to throw up. He wanted to curl up in the closet, in the dark, he wondered if Evan would give him permission to do that. It had been a punishment from Maybourne, but John had liked it, it soothed him. Evan pushed his long hair out of his face. They had made an appointment for the barber the next morning to get it cut. “Do you need the punishments?”
“How will I know if I’m wrong?”
Evan sighed and rolled his eyes. “Why don’t we come at it from you knowing when you’ve done right instead?” He stared at his new over. Done right? It was not what John was used to. But did that make it wrong? The doctors at the SGC had tried to convince him that Colonel Maybourne had been behaving illegally, and had not treated John properly.
“I think you’ve been punished enough, how about some positive stuff for a while? If it doesn’t work, I’ll take you over my knee and spank you. I promise, we’ll find a way to do this that is good for both of us, John.”
He nodded, willing to try things Evan’s way. It would obviously please his new over. “Okay.”
Evan clasped his cheeks and pulled his face down. He was a few inches shorter than John, which John only realized at that moment. He kissed John’s forehead. “You’re doing everything right, John. I’m very happy so far, this is going very well. Now, go over there and get into bed and rest.”
John went to the bed and pulled down the covers and climbed in. He was asleep before he’d fully settled his head on the pillow.
~*~
When John began to snore lightly, Evan went into the bathroom and sank down against the wall. “Shit. Shit, shit, shit!” he swore quietly, punching a fist into his hand. How could he do this? His new under was more deeply broken than Evan had thought.
He tapped his radio, he had promised to check in with Kate before bed. “Lorne to Heightmeyer.”
“Major, hello.”
“Switch to the channel we discussed using, please.” Evan wanted this conversation to be private.
“You sound shaky,” she said when the channel was changed.
He held his head in his hands. “He had a panic attack. I thought I was going to have to take him to the infirmary.” This was her area of expertise and Evan was feeling very out of his league at the moment.
“What provoked it?”
“I told him I wasn’t going to punish him.”
She was quiet for a few moments. “I suspect that you challenged what he has always known to be true. Remember that he’s struggling to find familiarity here, Evan. He needs a new foundation, he’s very lost. Maybourne was cruel, yes, but John likely had structure and rules he understood and internalized. You took away something he probably expected to have now that he has a new over.”
Evan nodded, rubbing his eyes. “Yeah, that fits with the reaction.” He told her what had happened and how he had responded, what he had said to John.
“I think you did the right thing. You took something away, but you gave him something to replace it.”
“He expects to be commanded for every little thing, Kate. How can I keep that up?”
“You and this place are new. He’ll grow used to you, he won’t always need constant reinforcement Evan. We don’t know what the conditions were like for John under Maybourne. He’ll adapt to the way you do things, but it will take time. You’re trying to undo years of abuse, Evan.”
Evan sighed. “I’m going to beat the living shit out of Maybourne if I ever cross paths with him.”
“Get in line, the entire psych and medical departments of the SGC are ahead of you. Keep being positive with him Evan. He might try misbehaving in the next few days to test you. You’ll need to respond appropriately. Set a specific punishment and stick to it.”
“He’s not a child or a puppy, Doc!” Evan hissed.
“No, he’s a severely damaged under trying to find his boundaries. He likely won’t be consciously aware that he’s doing it. We knew there would be issues Evan.”
He banged his head against the wall behind him. “Yeah. But the theory is a lot different than having him here in front of me. Did you see his back, Kate?” Evan took a shaky breath as he remembered the layers and layers of scars.
“I read the reports.”
“How did this go on so long without someone catching on to it?”
“I would really not rather discuss cycles of abuse over the radio Evan. I’ll forward you some articles, and we can sit down and talk in my office. Or your office.”
He clicked off the radio and sat for a very long time before he was calm enough to go back to the bedroom. John was tossing and turning in his sleep and occasionally said a few words Evan couldn’t make out. Picking up the blanket from the floor, Evan sat on the bed beside John and carefully untangled the sheets from around him.
The sun had gone down and the room was growing darker. He thought the lights up to a low level. He could see the scars on John’s back. Evan hadn’t realized it earlier, but there were more on the backs of his legs. Reaching out, he hooked a finger in the waistband of John’s boxers and tugged down a little, enough to see that he was scarred there as well.
John began to whimper in his sleep, babbling a stream of refusals and denials, throwing his hands up to ward someone away.
“Shhh,” Evan soothed, rubbing circles on John’s back. “It’s okay. You’re safe, John. Shh.” He kept mumbling nonsense words and rubbing his back and stroking his head until John quieted and stopped struggling in his sleep.
Evan stretched out beside him, resting his face on his arm as he watched his new partner sleep. He knew he wouldn’t be getting much sleep himself, his mind was too full of disturbing thoughts.
The End Originally posted at http://rinkafic.dreamwidth.org/