Now and Then
When I first began this journal, when it was decided that I would go to Japan, I was fresh out of uni, keen on SMAP and anime, overconfident in my knowledge of Japan, and ready for a brand new life away from home. When I first saw Sho on TV, I'd just lost the job that had got me here and found something new to give me hope - Arashi. When I first joined the fandom, I was naive, selfish, arrogant, protective, and obsessive.
It only worsened when Sho injured himself during a concert rehearsal, nursing his first broken bone a month after I too had broken a bone for the first time in my life. This will always have a lot to do with my favouritism of him - he inspired me at a time when I was still recovering from an injury, which, in retrospect, was actually more serious than his. He was a hero in my eyes because, despite us both being in accidents that resulted in temporary debilitation, he had kept going where I had stopped. I know now that it's not a big deal, and he was expected to do that, but at the time it was a great comfort to me.
I met a lot of people through fandom, disappointed a lot of people by not knowing how things work, and annoyed a lot of people by letting my feelings run my words cruelly, unapologetically, and without humility or restraint. I was right, they were wrong. I worked harder and deserved more than they did. I knew what I was doing and what others said didn't matter.
It wasn't until I joined a small cross-fandom community that I really began to understand the gravity of my self-centredness and the pain my words had caused. I asked the people in the community why my contributions were being ignored, why no one would talk to me, and what I had done wrong. And they told me up front in so many words that it was pretty much because I was a controlling, thoughtless asshole.
I took a break from that community to reflect on their words and to try to change my attitude towards the people who wanted nothing more than to make ours a fun and friendly community to be in. They made me realise that I needed to be more open-minded, more considerate of others with my thinking and my wording, and to get real. I still have friends from that time and I'll always be very grateful to them for giving me a second chance when I returned.
A renewal of the community led to the departures of those friends, and me. I decided that I wanted to forget the past and move on from things, even abandoning this livejournal for another. I left old communities for new ones in the hopes of starting anew and taking note from the lessons I had learned.
I thought I was doing better, though I realised and regretted when I'd gone a bit far sometimes. I made new friends; non-Arashi friends, non-JE friends, gamer friends, friends who don't know the first thing about Japan. Things were going well until I was linked to conversations about this me, and the other me.
I was shocked that I was even a topic of interest - this journal long abandoned and the new one nowhere near as active. The shock turned to horror as I went through this journal to confirm what was being quoted of me. It's scary re-reading the entries here, some of which are over five years old. It's scary because I wrote that - it was undoubtedly me and it is undeniably ugly - but I don't remember writing a single word of it. I can't believe that was actually me who said and did those things. It's disgusting, sickening.
I locked this journal, thinking it best to concentrate on moving on, on trying to improve upon who I am now and the way I act and speak in the communities the newer me is a part of. However, I was constantly being linked to and told of conversations where my old name was still being brought up. I began to hear the untold stories of the people I had really hurt with my words, people who were still upset by them years after they had been said.
To those people, I want to say that I am truly sorry for the pain I have caused you. It was wrong, insensitive, and horrible of me to say what I did. I'm very sorry to the people whose experiences in communities were ruined by the presence of this me, the new me, or both. I am by no means anywhere close to being a great person, or even close to what you would consider a nice fan, but I'm trying to change for the better. I'm trying to take all the complaints about me on board and learn from them, understand from them how to be a better part of communities in general.
This journal will remain here as a stern reminder to me of the past that scares me and has hurt others. The newer one will remain locked and away from this fandom and all communities relating to it. As the newer me, I've friended more people who are entertainment and cultural arts fans in general so fangirl posts about Arashi and Sho in particular are on the decline too. I like Arashi a lot, and I like Sho a lot, but they're not the be all and end all of everything anyway.
I know this is a long post, but I wanted to formally apologise for my actions and to let everyone know that I won't intrude on your fandom anymore. Except for perhaps a fic or piece of art every once in a blue moon, if even that, I'll stay in the shadows and fangirl quietly to myself in a way that won't hurt others, be they friends, family, fellow fans, or the idols, musicians, voice actors, writers, or game creators themselves.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
(F-list, if you wish to contact me, please PM me.)
It only worsened when Sho injured himself during a concert rehearsal, nursing his first broken bone a month after I too had broken a bone for the first time in my life. This will always have a lot to do with my favouritism of him - he inspired me at a time when I was still recovering from an injury, which, in retrospect, was actually more serious than his. He was a hero in my eyes because, despite us both being in accidents that resulted in temporary debilitation, he had kept going where I had stopped. I know now that it's not a big deal, and he was expected to do that, but at the time it was a great comfort to me.
I met a lot of people through fandom, disappointed a lot of people by not knowing how things work, and annoyed a lot of people by letting my feelings run my words cruelly, unapologetically, and without humility or restraint. I was right, they were wrong. I worked harder and deserved more than they did. I knew what I was doing and what others said didn't matter.
It wasn't until I joined a small cross-fandom community that I really began to understand the gravity of my self-centredness and the pain my words had caused. I asked the people in the community why my contributions were being ignored, why no one would talk to me, and what I had done wrong. And they told me up front in so many words that it was pretty much because I was a controlling, thoughtless asshole.
I took a break from that community to reflect on their words and to try to change my attitude towards the people who wanted nothing more than to make ours a fun and friendly community to be in. They made me realise that I needed to be more open-minded, more considerate of others with my thinking and my wording, and to get real. I still have friends from that time and I'll always be very grateful to them for giving me a second chance when I returned.
A renewal of the community led to the departures of those friends, and me. I decided that I wanted to forget the past and move on from things, even abandoning this livejournal for another. I left old communities for new ones in the hopes of starting anew and taking note from the lessons I had learned.
I thought I was doing better, though I realised and regretted when I'd gone a bit far sometimes. I made new friends; non-Arashi friends, non-JE friends, gamer friends, friends who don't know the first thing about Japan. Things were going well until I was linked to conversations about this me, and the other me.
I was shocked that I was even a topic of interest - this journal long abandoned and the new one nowhere near as active. The shock turned to horror as I went through this journal to confirm what was being quoted of me. It's scary re-reading the entries here, some of which are over five years old. It's scary because I wrote that - it was undoubtedly me and it is undeniably ugly - but I don't remember writing a single word of it. I can't believe that was actually me who said and did those things. It's disgusting, sickening.
I locked this journal, thinking it best to concentrate on moving on, on trying to improve upon who I am now and the way I act and speak in the communities the newer me is a part of. However, I was constantly being linked to and told of conversations where my old name was still being brought up. I began to hear the untold stories of the people I had really hurt with my words, people who were still upset by them years after they had been said.
To those people, I want to say that I am truly sorry for the pain I have caused you. It was wrong, insensitive, and horrible of me to say what I did. I'm very sorry to the people whose experiences in communities were ruined by the presence of this me, the new me, or both. I am by no means anywhere close to being a great person, or even close to what you would consider a nice fan, but I'm trying to change for the better. I'm trying to take all the complaints about me on board and learn from them, understand from them how to be a better part of communities in general.
This journal will remain here as a stern reminder to me of the past that scares me and has hurt others. The newer one will remain locked and away from this fandom and all communities relating to it. As the newer me, I've friended more people who are entertainment and cultural arts fans in general so fangirl posts about Arashi and Sho in particular are on the decline too. I like Arashi a lot, and I like Sho a lot, but they're not the be all and end all of everything anyway.
I know this is a long post, but I wanted to formally apologise for my actions and to let everyone know that I won't intrude on your fandom anymore. Except for perhaps a fic or piece of art every once in a blue moon, if even that, I'll stay in the shadows and fangirl quietly to myself in a way that won't hurt others, be they friends, family, fellow fans, or the idols, musicians, voice actors, writers, or game creators themselves.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
(F-list, if you wish to contact me, please PM me.)