(no subject)
Tomorrow morning I have to go to the funeral of a 46 year old woman who just died of brain cancer. She has two girls, ages 15 and 12. She was a single parent. I teach the older girl.
Its just so senseless, and terrifying, that this could happen to me. It could happen to you. A year ago, this woman was totally fine. Two months ago, she was walking, talking, hugging, celebrating her children's accomplishments. And now she is dead, and I am so worried about her kids, and so angry with fate or god or whatever did this to these poor girls. Thats why I'm still awake at 12:45am.
I feel like I'm wasting my life. I sit around and play Sims and dream about what my life *should* be like, when I'm not even motivated enough to do laundry most days. What is WRONG with me? I'm stuck in this slump where I don't move, don't call anyone, and just sit in my brown chair. I justify my life and tell myself I'm on "holidays"...so why don't I do anything? Am I so dependent on my job that I'm incapable of doing anything else?
This woman is gone. She was alive and then she was sick and now she is gone. I understand that people are born and they die every day, tragedy is a part of life and we deal with it and move along. What the fuck am I waiting for? Why aren't I out there, doing things? I wake up sometimes and don't recognize myself. Maybe its because I'm single (Husband is up north until November)? Maybe its because I'm lazy? If I'm being completely honest, I'm embarassed to leave my home because since I stopped dancing formally I've turned into a gelatinous blob and its embarassing to leave my home. Note to everyone: don't dance professionally unless you're looking for a lifetime of body image issues and quasi-eating disorders. Why can I never seem to find a balance?
Tomorrow is going to be horrible. I don't understand cancer, I don't understand how it works, I don't like that its coming for me (I'll get it eventually, don't worry), and why am I wasting more time? I can't understand a world where these really awesome kids have to watch their mother waste away to nothing. It makes me feel sick.
GO DO SOMETHING. So that way, if/ when cancer calls my name, I'll at least be able to go "hey, man, its been a really good run!" versus "too bad I missed out".
I wish she were alive still. Its all so very sad.
Its just so senseless, and terrifying, that this could happen to me. It could happen to you. A year ago, this woman was totally fine. Two months ago, she was walking, talking, hugging, celebrating her children's accomplishments. And now she is dead, and I am so worried about her kids, and so angry with fate or god or whatever did this to these poor girls. Thats why I'm still awake at 12:45am.
I feel like I'm wasting my life. I sit around and play Sims and dream about what my life *should* be like, when I'm not even motivated enough to do laundry most days. What is WRONG with me? I'm stuck in this slump where I don't move, don't call anyone, and just sit in my brown chair. I justify my life and tell myself I'm on "holidays"...so why don't I do anything? Am I so dependent on my job that I'm incapable of doing anything else?
This woman is gone. She was alive and then she was sick and now she is gone. I understand that people are born and they die every day, tragedy is a part of life and we deal with it and move along. What the fuck am I waiting for? Why aren't I out there, doing things? I wake up sometimes and don't recognize myself. Maybe its because I'm single (Husband is up north until November)? Maybe its because I'm lazy? If I'm being completely honest, I'm embarassed to leave my home because since I stopped dancing formally I've turned into a gelatinous blob and its embarassing to leave my home. Note to everyone: don't dance professionally unless you're looking for a lifetime of body image issues and quasi-eating disorders. Why can I never seem to find a balance?
Tomorrow is going to be horrible. I don't understand cancer, I don't understand how it works, I don't like that its coming for me (I'll get it eventually, don't worry), and why am I wasting more time? I can't understand a world where these really awesome kids have to watch their mother waste away to nothing. It makes me feel sick.
GO DO SOMETHING. So that way, if/ when cancer calls my name, I'll at least be able to go "hey, man, its been a really good run!" versus "too bad I missed out".
I wish she were alive still. Its all so very sad.