(no subject)

[ringsgurl4evr]

so its a year...a year and a few days since it happened, almost exactly a year since we buried him. I thought it had healed...it shouldnt have hurt that bad. Ya know the one year anniversary of it happening i cried...alot...prolly freaked out a friend or 2...had many flashbacks to that day adn could hear exactly what people said to me over the phone, hanging up on one friend cuz i couldnt hear another persons voice crack, sitting in thelobby downstairs onthe phone with Cindy just crying not saying a word for over an hour...and today it has been the burial...his mom coming up to me when i was shaking so hard i could barely stand to tell me "Matt loved you. he talked about you all the time, you were truly in his heart, dont cry for him, he would hate that", to taking that flower over to his coffin to lay it on there before it was lowered...everyone in front of me slowed put the flower down and kept walking...i stopped, layed my hand down on it with the flower there and didnt want to leave...i just stood there...people came over nd forced me to let go of the flower and walk away...and the reception afterward when we went into the church where all his mementos were still sitting where i picked up his and jacket and sat on the pew with my face buried in it...

ive been thinking about it...i think i'm ready to let go of that flower now. I wasnt ready for it then and had to do it, this time its my choice. Letting go is hard, but it has to happen. You will always be in my thoughts and prayers piano man. The craziness that was all of us when you were there will never be the same, but we'll survive...thats what you wouldve wanted...i'm done with sadness, i'm done with greiving, its over. I love you Matt. I always have. From the playground fun to that first dance they "forced" us into, to taking over the music department. and i know i will see you again...and that makes all the difference