Never know
I have been thinking alot but I haven't been able to write anything down. My computer is gay. Yesterday was my golf tournament and we didn't even have a team. I played like shit and I dont know whats happening to me, I think I just have alot more on my mind lately and I can't focus. Anyways, Derek came to watch me and something really bad happened. He was squatting down by a tree and he had a hat on and his head down and I swear it looked just like Davey. I was imagining it was him. I have a feeling that I want it so bad to be him that it is sometimes. No matter what Nathan says about once you have doubts you can never love the same, i find it really hard to belive. I see it, and then I don't. I feel like I could over look at the bad and remember the happy and we would be happy again. Maybe thats just what I want to belive because I want those feelings back. The truth is only what you make it. I mean, with Davey I would always wanna talk or be around him and with other guys I am just finding all of their calls and attempts to see me fucking annoying! Derek is really pissing me off. Don't try to see me all the time and then make me feel bad when I dont feel like it. I guess im also just not used to that kind of care. And i can't get that attached because he's leaving may 7th. He's a great guy and seems like he'd do anything for me but is that what I want? Ok and on the Alyssa subject, I find it quite conveinent that she can finally have her long overdue bonding friend time when kaleb is gone. And just when he gets back they're gonna be just as special again cause she already can't wait until he gets back so they can do all their special couple make me sick stuff. I am just jealous because she's getting the thing she has made work and has dreamed of and I am not. But I mean it still pisses me off. I have decided that Change just takes time. I have changing things and I just want things to be as so, but everything changes sometime. I realized this w/trimesters I guess. I mean I hated it at first, but overtime I love my schedule. I hope that changes w/ Davey. I really fucking can't stand to imagine him and Lacy though. I bet they don't work, or I hope not. But what is really on my mind is that I hate being such a weak willed person and I can't ever be what I want or do the things I say I am going to and I probably wont be what I want to be in life. Im a failure at EVERYTHING. I hate it, I don't wanna be known as the psycho person you know? I just wanna be normal, be happy. I wanna be something that I'm not. Like what normal person wants to take anti-depression pills? I love taking them, I mean what is that? And who takes money from there dad? I mean, i know it's in the "spot" like emergency for me if I need it, but I don't ask him and I feel like its wrong but then I take it and I dont care. I hate that i've stolen stuff and have had and eating disorder. I mean its always something w/me. And I don't understand why love has to overtake somebodys life. I feel like we're missing out on so many things because we have one thing consuming us. I mean that book , "the giver" really made me think that there is more out there but we are content w/the things w/have because we don't know there is more. My horoscope says that I am supposed to be such a free spirit but I dont feel it at all. I feel trapped, trapped within myself and my mistakes and what people think and this town. I am tired of restraining my in the adrenaline rushes that I want to do. Like fuckin hitting the shit out of Lauren, or you know saying something to Lindy or Davey or Lacy. Someday maybe, someday. I really don't know. Rob called last night and I feel like that joke. I mean its just tricky-nikki w/the baseball team and baseball is more than just a game, its a disease...... it does weird things to guys. I really hope that I can just come back from the summer and blow Davey away and not care a thing about it. Couples always get back together, and I dont' wanna follow that anymore. But maybe we won't even have another chance since we've had our break ups. I have a hellacious headache.