(no subject)
Shit!
Nothing makes sense,
So I won’t think about it.
I’ll go with the ignorance.
Except that I will think about it and I will not remain idley ignorant. And I'm still a crazy person who can't keep her feet still and digs her nails into herself and smokes herself into a false net of euphoric and elusive realities. (If it's worth mentioning; I've been smoking). I have problems. Big ones. I lack motivation. Completely. I don't care about even pretending to care about what happens in relation to school right now. I really feel like I've lost my past identity. Have I changed completely into an uncaring, heartless and immobile being?
No. That's just it. It's no longer in all aspects of my life. It's just school. Why am I sabotaging myself? I can't tell if my medication has done anything other than give me more physical side effects. I've had several good days, but that could simply be due to certain aspects of my life being at a good spot. I've had serveral bad days, but that could simply be due to certain aspects of my life being at a bad spot. I'm not a fan of medication. Allowing modern medicine to control my brain for me. Part of me needs to change (because society says there's this Totem Pole line of 'normalcy' and we're to come as close to that rung as humanly possibly), and because I want to be happy. But happy has never really existed. It's instanciations of happiness reaching at moon's length at this ultimately impossible Telos of happiness. Doesn't seem to me like I need medication to achieve that impossible Aritotelian Dream. I'm stuck on these lower bodily pleasures: Drink, Sex, Food. I have the higher pleasures too; the intellect, the imagination, and maybe a bit less on the moral sentiment side of things. But not where it amounts to anything.
I'm allowing myself to stand still as if I were intentionally nailed to the floor.
I had this worry when I graduated high school. Of going no where. My mother had wanted me to take a year off, thinking a break would be good. I didn't want that. I thought if I did, I'd be stuck. And here I am; stuck. On the otherside, but stuck none the less. I did everything right now in my life to myself. I take full responsibility. I think it matters not if I was depressed at the time. I've been depressed on and off since I was old enough to make decisions for myself. Should I discredit all decisions made during those times because I was depressed? I'm not sure I can seperate myself from my depressed self. I'm not regretting putting myself on medication, but I am wondering if I should have taken it at all. It's surpressing one side of who I am. Is a less depressed person a better me? Maybe it's a balancing act. "How God made me" and all that junk. I was told it doesn't make me into a different person. That sounds wrong as any drung makes you into a different person just as any asperin makes your headache into a non-headache. I'm certainly different while drunk or high. Like now. I could see my pulse earlier. Although- I'm more or less in the same dull and bleak mood that I was in before I smoked. Except I'm lonely for human contact now, which is added. And I'm lonely for a particular person's human contact.
Sometimes I hate being female. Or girly, really. I like having the ability to blend in as 'one of the guys'. And I allow a guy to make me blush? Ugh. This is what they do to me. THEY. The 'other'. This seems different, though, if possible. I don't usually blush by a look. I'm not too sure what that's saying. The entire carride though- I can still see your eyes. And especially now; I love it. The more I think about the more I want it. And for right reasons, which feels odd.
Nothing makes sense/ So I won't think about it.
Yes. I will. Over. And over. And over.
On this dark day/ Right in plain view.
I like laughing. I like living. I like loving. What do I want? Not much of what I used to. I no longer care about a security blanket. I want to run through the town, painting it red, leaving destruction in my self made path. I want to break free of my caged existence. This Existential dilema has really occured much later in life than I think most people come across. Teenage angst- you know the story. I'm getting near complacency, if I'm not already there. I long to break out of my self imposed noose. And I no longer have the ability to know if this is me that wants this, or if it's the medicated me, which seems to go against what the drug is supposed to do? I skipped out on my appointment today, where I was supposed to be examined to see how I was taking to the drugs. I don't care. I'm my own experiment. I'm taking these shiny red pills and seeing where it leads me. So far- I think I'm still wearing down the same baren path.
But with the energy of a bright eyed- world in front of her- child- with the world in front of her. The world has NOT stood and left me here. I shall make a dent. I shall make an impression.
I shall carve my name in mother nature's furtile body.