(no subject)
It's amazing how much your life can change in one day. Last night, I was so naive.
You know when you go into shock and everything is kind of overwhelmed by a loud, blank, blinding silence except for parts that only hurt your heart more? That happened to me today. With Luis. All I heard was this:
"didn't go so well"
...
"not his type"
...
"just wants to be friends"
Can you get anymore cliché? I've been ruined by the oldest lines in the book.
It's a good thing you don't have to speak on LiveJournal, you only have to type. I wouldn't be able to speak. My throat is raw and cracked since I've been crying and screaming for over 2 hours. Even right now. How fucking pathetic. Looks like I've become quite the disillusioned one. Such a fucking shame. Do you know, I don't think the word fuck means anything anymore. It's overused and overated...just like relationships.
I tore up Josh's picture tonight. It only took me an hour to force myself to actually rip his pretty little face down the middle. Not his type, huh? Well, then who the fuck exactly is his type? Hmmm, maybe some little slut. Then the two of them could go off and slut together. What great fun.
I don't think I'll wear make-up to cover my red eyes tomorrow. I want to let everyone see just how much Josh meant to me. Including him. Because I don't think anybody but me actually knew how deep this went. Every time I saw him today I nearly cried. But I refused to do it in front of him. How could I be so blind? I respected him so much and then he does this to me. Everything I was scared of has happened. I'm crushed; he's avoiding me; and now I don't seem to care about anything.
Jenny asked me if I was going to prom. I said I didn't think so. A shame, since I'd already bought such a pretty dress. I just wanted to be beautiful. I got Robert's invitation to his black and white party in the mail today. No one Jewish will be able to go because it's on the first night of Passover. Suddenly, I don't want to go either.
I held Balthazar's picture tonight when I cried. It made me cry harder. Sunshine is nice, but she doesn't come close to filling the hole he left.
My dad wrote a poem about killing a cat and I had to type it up. I cried when I wrote about it. Forrest accused me today of killing my cat. I nearly cried then, too.
What the fuck is today? "Dante's-Tear-Glands-Suddenly-Become-The-Cornucopia-Of-Human-Despair" Day?
Other people's sob stories piss me off. If mine pisses you off, I don't fucking care. I'm just letting the pain out, so you can kindly screw off. And don't leave a "aww, don't feel bad" comment. I don't want to hear it.
I hope I don't change because of this. I just want everything to be wonderful again.