I miss him...
Oh mi geese. It has been SO long since my last journal entry. I mean...a REALLY REALLY long effing time. God i think my last entry was when i went down to the river..that was almost a year ago! HOKY SHIT I GOTTA KEEP UP! So lemme start talking. Well alot has happend. I switched schools this year, i am now a student in St.Rose. I lvoe it htere, so many friends...its realy ahrd to imagine. i made the senior girls basketball team at my school and we wont..THE CITY CHAMPIONSHIP! It was SO effing awesome! After than i met a guy named cam. He is really awesome and i love him alot...well..loved...well...actually love...well..i dont really knwo anymore. Well i shudda known...cuz earlier on cam siad "love isnt real" and i shudda listend...but i'm jsut gonna use the word "love" to express caring. We kinda broke up and now he hates me. It really really sucks cuz he's the most awesome guy ever. He kinda freaked at me after i said summin..but i'm pretty sure it was all my fault. And his friend josh and me kinda made up this really mean joke..to get back at cam...but like...YOU KNOW HOW BAD I FEEL NOW?! OMG! I am SO mean...i guess i was jsut caught up in the moment...i was like crying cuz i knew i had done summin that mean..i mean i actualyl care...and i feel SO BAD! OMG! like...OMG i feel liek crying again for what i did! I've tried e-mailing johs..but i dont htink i did his e-mail rgiht..and then i tried waiting for him to come on msn..but he wudnt! SO i cudnt tell him i didnt wanna go through with it anymroe! I'm such a fucking bitch...omg...cam prolly hates me even more now! W/e...he's not gonna reply to any of my e-mails anyway...And everyone keeps saying "he's not worth it", "you deserve better" and crap. But i really dont htink i do. I mean hes awesome! Hes hot, nice, funny, knows what to say, creative, random, and a whole bunch of other things! I miss his laugh...and his smile..and his oddness...and his voice..and everything about him... I sent him e-maisl and shit..but he wont reply...its quite sad really. I mean i bet he wont wanna be my boyfirend anymore (which sucks might i add), but i at leats wanna be able to talk to him...he's the most awesome guy ever! I completely fucked things up...ugh..i am so mad at myself...its been liek a week since we broke up and i said some shit to him..and...ugh..i dunno...he's prolly gonna hate me forever now..the really sad thing is i still love him, and i know he wont love me ever again...and i hate it...i hate it with a burning passion! Ack. I've tried everything to be able to talk to him...calling him...e-mailing him, trying to talk to him through friends...NONE OF IT IS WORKING! I wish he could read this now...maybe then he might even think about giving me a second chance at a friendship...or even at talking to him...i miss him SOOOO MUCH! God...i hate love...i hate it so much...well i'm gonna keep trying. I'm trying this new method called "leaving him alone for a while then trying to call and talk to him later" it probably wont work..but i'm willing to try it. I'd try anything for him...he's the most awesomest guy ever and i miss him WAY to much to just give up. I'm not gonna give up, i'm gonna keep on trying! And hoping...and hopefully not crying. I kinda tried the whole telling him i was crying method..i shudda known it wudnt work...i really shudda. He's to smart for that. He knows i'm jsut trying to make him feel guilty..which is stupid cuz its my fault not his...anywayz..i'm getting boring. So i'll type again tommorow.
marissA <3
marissA <3