late night ramblings of a personal nature
Midnight. Ramble. I need to ramble and try to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Feel free to bypass as this has zero fandom relation.
I had third date with Girl tonight.
There was dinner and movies and ice cream and cuddles. All of which I like. Especially the cuddles. I love cuddles. It was comfortable and warm and nice.
But this all occured while we were watching movies. Meaning...we weren't talking. And I am starting to realize that the more I get to know her, the more I actually don't like her. Except that there are definitely things I do like. Like, she's aware of fandom. Not this fandom, exactly, but fandom in general and doesn't appear to judge me for my love of Arashi. I like that she's older, more experienced and that she respects that I'm not. She's moving at my speed. And frankly, glaciers move faster than I do. I like that she thinks I'm cute. I like that she cooks and likes it. I love that she's intelligent enough to hold a conversation and appreciates that about me as well. We have the same taste in comedy. She's open to talking about her past.
But I fear that there are greater things not to like. Like the fact that she's disabled (which is SO not the problem itself) but that she uses it as an excuse for a lot of things that seem to have no actual relevence to her disabilities (bad knees, bad eyes, diabetes (which last I checked, wasn't a disability) and multple surgeries, for those curious). I don't like that she's such a neat freak that animals seem to disgust her. I have three cats (one of which has both paws perched on my forearm as I type right now and how can anyone not love that???). Of three dates, I've driven an entire city and body of water over to see her and she hasn't come this way once. As blunt as I am, she is even more so. To the point of uncomfortableness, I think. No small feat when I'm notoriously blunt myself.
Physically, I could be attracted to her, if I'm not exactly at the moment. It's much more in the personality for me than the body anyway.
At one point tonight, I actually found myself saying things to puposefully turn her off. They weren't lies, exactly, but perhaps not things you'd say to someone you're trying to impress. That has to be a bad sign right?
It finally occured to me ont he way home that maybe a large part of the turn off is that she reminds me of my mother.
But honestly, there's nothing overtly wrong about her. So I have to wonder, am I looking for reasons not to like her? Am I so socially inept that I can't get past a third date with any girl? Am I being too picky? Should I just go for it and at least fucking get laid and worry about falling in love until later? Then that just feels like using her and I don't know that I'm capable. Am I overthinking this?
And if I suck it up and tell her that I don't think it's going to work out between us, then what? Back to the drawing board? I'm 26 years old and never been in love. Am I just not capable of it? Am I too lazy to put in the prescribed amount of effort in order to join the Love Club?
I've always been a firm believer that there's someone out there for everyone. It's just a matter of finding the right person at the right time. But what if all this time I've been wrong?
*whine*
Life is hard. I don't wanna play anymore.
P.S. I got my letter from the rad therapy program. They rejected me. *sigh*
I had third date with Girl tonight.
There was dinner and movies and ice cream and cuddles. All of which I like. Especially the cuddles. I love cuddles. It was comfortable and warm and nice.
But this all occured while we were watching movies. Meaning...we weren't talking. And I am starting to realize that the more I get to know her, the more I actually don't like her. Except that there are definitely things I do like. Like, she's aware of fandom. Not this fandom, exactly, but fandom in general and doesn't appear to judge me for my love of Arashi. I like that she's older, more experienced and that she respects that I'm not. She's moving at my speed. And frankly, glaciers move faster than I do. I like that she thinks I'm cute. I like that she cooks and likes it. I love that she's intelligent enough to hold a conversation and appreciates that about me as well. We have the same taste in comedy. She's open to talking about her past.
But I fear that there are greater things not to like. Like the fact that she's disabled (which is SO not the problem itself) but that she uses it as an excuse for a lot of things that seem to have no actual relevence to her disabilities (bad knees, bad eyes, diabetes (which last I checked, wasn't a disability) and multple surgeries, for those curious). I don't like that she's such a neat freak that animals seem to disgust her. I have three cats (one of which has both paws perched on my forearm as I type right now and how can anyone not love that???). Of three dates, I've driven an entire city and body of water over to see her and she hasn't come this way once. As blunt as I am, she is even more so. To the point of uncomfortableness, I think. No small feat when I'm notoriously blunt myself.
Physically, I could be attracted to her, if I'm not exactly at the moment. It's much more in the personality for me than the body anyway.
At one point tonight, I actually found myself saying things to puposefully turn her off. They weren't lies, exactly, but perhaps not things you'd say to someone you're trying to impress. That has to be a bad sign right?
It finally occured to me ont he way home that maybe a large part of the turn off is that she reminds me of my mother.
But honestly, there's nothing overtly wrong about her. So I have to wonder, am I looking for reasons not to like her? Am I so socially inept that I can't get past a third date with any girl? Am I being too picky? Should I just go for it and at least fucking get laid and worry about falling in love until later? Then that just feels like using her and I don't know that I'm capable. Am I overthinking this?
And if I suck it up and tell her that I don't think it's going to work out between us, then what? Back to the drawing board? I'm 26 years old and never been in love. Am I just not capable of it? Am I too lazy to put in the prescribed amount of effort in order to join the Love Club?
I've always been a firm believer that there's someone out there for everyone. It's just a matter of finding the right person at the right time. But what if all this time I've been wrong?
*whine*
Life is hard. I don't wanna play anymore.
P.S. I got my letter from the rad therapy program. They rejected me. *sigh*