[ya ya yah] boku wa koko ni iru
僕はここにいる (Boku wa koko ni iru)
Ya-Ya-Yah (Shoon-centric)
4516 words
Summary: When the world caved in, Shoon tried to be the mature one with mixed results.
Author’s Notes: I finished it! If you thought the story of 4 TOPS was heartbreaking, Ya-Ya-Yah’s was tragic. This is my tribute, and dedicated to my sister at shimai_fs, the great lover of juniors, particularly one Yamashita Shoon.
as usual the boys belong to themselves, etc etc etc.
過ぎた冬も 青い夏も 僕はここにいる ルルル
僕はきっと 知っているよ 幸せのかたち
君がくれたもの
-僕はここにいる / いきものがかり
Taiyo blurted it out during dinner one night after a particularly grueling rehearsal.
“I talked to my Mom about going on to University.”
Yabu looked up from his bento and grinned. “You should, because lord knows you’re smarter than Hikaru.”
“Shut up!” Hikaru managed to hiss in between bites of rice, and Shoon laughed before he grabbed a napkin from the next table and handed it to him.
“No, I mean. University,” Taiyo said. He put his chopsticks down and placed both hands on his knees. “I told my mom… I just want to go to school.”
It took a while for the boys to catch what Taiyo was trying to say. Shoon got it first, relating it to the rumours that were spreading around the jimusho recently about…
Yabu looked up. “Taiyo…”
Taiyo shrugged. They’ve known each other for so long, he was sure they understood him. At least, Yabu and Shoon must have. “It’s just a thought, really. It’s not confirmed or anything. I thought I’d just see how it goes for the next few months.”
Shoon nodded. If he remembered correctly, that was also the end of the younger boy’s current contract term. It meant a lot of things Shoon wasn’t sure he wanted to be thinking about at the moment.
Hikaru frowned. “So? You want to go back to school. You totally can do that with us. Look at Koyama-kun!” he grinned, before turning back to his bento.
Yabu shot Shoon a worried look, and Shoon just shrugged in return.
* * *
Three weeks later, Hikaru marched up to Shoon during lunch break and said, “Why didn’t you explain it to me?”
Shoon frowned, removing his earphones. “What?”
“Why didn’t you explain it to me? What Taiyo actually meant?” Hikaru demanded. “You knew he meant he was thinking of… of quitting!”
Shoon sighed and put his MP3 player aside. “I’m sure he’s just…”
“He isn’t! He’s completely serious. I know him. He doesn’t joke about shit like that,” Hikaru leaned over Shoon with such a fierce look on his face that it made the older boy shrink back. “He wants to quit.”
“We don’t know that yet,” Shoon managed to stammer. “Seriously.”
Hikaru’s only reply was to march off, leaving Shoon slightly bewildered from the outburst.
* * *
Shoon spotted Taiyo reading off his phone outside the van. He walked over and held out the bottle of green tea in his right hand. Taiyo looked up; Shoon nudged the bottle closer to him, and he took it with a grin.
“Thanks,” Taiyo nodded.
Shoon twisted the cap off his bottle and they stood for a moment in companionable silence before Taiyo spoke, “I was… just thinking about it. I didn’t think he would get this mad.”
Shoon grinned. “He’s pretty intense, huh?”
“For all the wrong reasons,” Taiyo rolled his eyes. He rolled the bottle in between his hands. “It’s just… you know. I… you know how it’s like.”
“Of course,” Shoon nodded.
“And what they’re talking about… I mean. If you look at it, I’m really not… not as good as them, or you. It’s just… I was really happy when this whole thing started, and we had lots of fun times together but now…” Taiyo trailed off, then sighed and leaned back on the van. “I feel like I’m holding everyone back.”
“You’re not,” Shoon said quickly. He wondered if he said it too quickly, but the words were already out of his mouth and there was no turning back. “Really. You’re not. You sing and dance as well as the rest of us. You’re better-looking than Hikaru!”
Taiyo grinned. “He’s still angry at me.”
“That’s how he is,” Shoon laughed, wrapping an arm around Taiyo’s shoulder. He used to be able to do it easily, but now the younger boy was so tall it was a bit of a stretch to do so. “He’ll come around. He can’t resist you for too long.”
Taiyo laughed and hunched his back a little so Shoon’s arm could wrap around his shoulders comfortably. “I guess.”
* * *
In August, Yabu and Hikaru got called in for work without Shoon or Taiyo. It’s something all the boys had gotten used to, so none of them thought it was anything out of the ordinary.
Yabu called Shoon at 2am in the morning on a Wednesday.
Shoon got out of bed and flicked on the light. “What?”
“I… I heard. You know. There are ten of us. We’re going to be performing for the volleyball championships. Like Koyama-kun. Like Tegoshi-kun and Masuda-kun.”
“Oh,” Shoon frowned. It was still a little early for his mind to be working at full speed, so it took him a moment to take in the implications of that. “Like… NEWS?”
“…. Yea. Like NEWS. I don’t even know half of them. And Morimoto’s in the group.”
“Morimoto? Ryutaro?”
“Yeah the older one. Shoon… I don’t know why we’re doing this without you two.”
Shoon sat down at his desk and somehow managed to smile. There was a sort of bitter humour in this, it made him want to laugh but he was not quite sure why.
“Maybe you think you don’t know why,” Shoon yawned, leaning against his chair. “But I think we all knew.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Yabu asked, after a long moment of silence. “We’ve been a team for six years. What’s this new group got that we haven’t?”
“A bunch of under-sixteens, that’s one thing. Ten people instead of four,” Shoon started listing. “Everyone who was in Hey! Say! 7…”
“What if this thing we’ve got going is a real deal… and it’s without you or Taiyo?” Yabu asked quietly.
Shoon scratched his head and searched his mind for a good answer, but the only one he got at that time in the morning was a long, “Well…”
Yabu sighed. “It looks like you think you can do perfectly well on your own,” he muttered. “Good night Shoon.”
He was listening to the dial tone before he knew it. He sighed; Yabu has always been harsh.
* * *
Taiyo held the month’s schedule tightly in his hand. “Wow, that’s… a lot of blanks,” he commented lightly as he turned to Shoon. “Ne?”
“Yea, kind of,” Shoon frowned at the empty spaces in the calendar. The most glaring thing that was missing from their schedules was filming for Ya-Ya-Yah.
“I heard Kamei-kun said they’ve started rehearsals,” Taiyo chuckled nervously. “Hikaru hasn’t come to school for two weeks.”
They lingered outside the management office, not quite sure what to do.
“Do you want to get coffee?” Shoon said suddenly.
Taiyo grinned. “Yea. Sure.”
They found a table at the back of the café, and Taiyo tucked the schedule carefully back into his bag before they ordered. Shoon knew he should say something first, but Taiyo beat him to it. “Shoon… what’s university like?”
Shoon grinned and started telling Taiyo about school. Classes are fun, and he’s actually made some friends who are in the same tutorial groups. He missed out on a karaoke session they had the other night, and made them promise to make it up for him. “As for studying, you know… it’s really different, from high school. Nobody forces you to the books, you’ve got to learn to do it all by yourself.”
Taiyo looked at Shoon with something akin to admiration. “Wow, I want to be just like you, Shoon.”
Shoon laughed. “What? You’re smarter than I am. You should be better than I am.”
Taiyo grinned and nodded. “Yea. Yea, I guess that’s what I’ve got to aim to be.”
“Oh? I won’t lose to you,” Shoon challenged.
* * *
Like everyone else, Shoon found out about the debut from the news. He came home from a study session to see his mother and brother sitting in front of the television.
“Onisan, did you know?” Reon asked quietly as Shoon put his book bag down and sat down next to them.
“No, not really,” Shoon replied softly, watching the special segment on the women’s volleyball team quietly. When it was done, he excused himself and walked into his room, closing the door quietly behind him.
He didn’t sleep that night.
* * *
There was an official announcement for the end of Ya-Ya-Yah, and Shoon got called into the jimusho on the same day to receive his revised schedule for the month. Glaring at it, it looked more like the company was telling him that he was no longer needed to come for work- in a very nice way.
“Eh? Not even with Taiyo?” Shoon muttered to himself as he walked down the hallway. He stopped when he bumped into someone, and looked up to see Taiyo looking at him with a miserable look on his face. “Taiyo?” he asked softly.
“Hikaru isn’t talking to me,” he muttered, holding out his phone to show Shoon how many calls he had made to Hikaru. “I’ve been calling him for days. I called Yabu and he said they’re really busy, but… Does he hate me, or something?”
“I’m sure it’s not because he hates you,” Shoon said calmly. “I’m sure they’re really busy. You know how it’s like, with new songs and new things to learn… have you seen the acrobatic displays they’ve been putting on? It’s a miracle Yabu hasn’t broken his back or something.”
His attempt at a joke fell flat, as Taiyo just turned away and chewed thoughtfully on his bottom lip.
“Taiyo?” Shoon placed a hand gently on the younger boy’s arm.
“You’re not angry at this?” Taiyo asked finally. “I know you’re older than we are but you’re not even a little angry at how it’s become?”
Shoon sighed. “Of course I’m angry, why wouldn’t I be? But it’s not like I never saw it coming, and we all have to be mature about it and move on and…”
“How can you still do this now? I mean, look at this!” Taiyo held up his schedule and pointed at the next filming of Shounen Club. “They say Hey! Say! whatever is going to be there and I don’t know… how can you still look at it and do this?”
Shoon took a deep breath. “Because this is what I want to do.”
Taiyo looked positively heartbroken, and jerked his arm out of Shoon’s grasp. “I’ve got to go; I’ll talk to you later. And call Yabu. He asked me where you had disappeared to the last time we talked.”
“Taiyo!” Shoon called helplessly as Taiyo turned to walk down the hallway, disappearing at the next corner. He sighed and looked down at his hands.
* * *
Shoon had no idea he would get so depressed without the three of them around. He spent the hours before Shounen Club starring blankly at the ceiling. Reon got worried and dragged the first people he saw- Nikaido and Fujigaya with him back into the dressing room. They sat around and tried to make conversation, but Shoon just continued starring at the ceiling.
In the end, they all gave up and left Shoon alone.
“Shoon-kun, stand by time is in five minutes,” a gentle voice broke him out of his reverie and he jumped up.
“Koyama-kun,” he stammered.
Koyama gave the junior an encouraging wave and a thumbs-up before walking out of the room. Shoon sighed and buried his face in his hands. He really was not really to deal with this. His hands were shaking as he buttoned up his costume.
“Niisan?” Reon poked his head in. “Oh good, you’re ready.”
“Yea. Yes,” Shoon nodded, and he pulled himself off the chair and followed him out the door.
As they lined up for the opening, Shoon spotted Yabu and Hikaru near the front of the crowd, laughing over something. He had not realised he’d been starring until Yabu suddenly turned around and saw him there-
Shoon turned his eyes away and pretended to be absorbed in what Nikaido was telling Senga beside him.
He really wasn’t ready for this.
* * *
Taiyo held the camera up to his face, snorting when Shoon put the stem of the rose between his lips and posed dramatically ala Don Juan Demarco. “Stop doing that!”
Shoon grinned. He took the rose out of his mouth just as the photographer announced them as ‘done’. Taiyo cheered as he handed the prop back to an assistant and went straight for the bottles of water another assistant was holding out.
“I’m quitting,” he said, as he handed Shoon his bottle of water.
Shoon looked up. Taiyo was still smiling. In fact, Shoon had never seen him look happier than he did now.
“I talked to my Mom and made up my mind about a lot of things. I thought about a lot of things,” he said, as they walked back to the dressing room to change out of their wardrobe. “I realised I want to go to law school, like you. All I want to be a normal kid, and like, have a girlfriend… and do all the things I never got to do when I was working. Heck, I might even run for class president!”
They stopped just outside the door, and Shoon had not realised he was clenching the water bottle really tightly until Taiyo used his own bottle to nudge his hand.
“So… have you told Hikaru?” Shoon asked after finally finding his voice.
“I’m going to tell him after this. I figured telling you first would give me a lot of courage… to tell him,” Taiyo grinned.
Shoon somehow found it in himself to smile back. “Well, I respect your decision,” he nodded, and held out his hand. “Good luck for everything, Taiyo.”
Taiyo ignored his hand and reached out to hug him, and Shoon found himself hugging him back longer than necessary, eyes closed from the realization that this was it.
* * *
Shoon told his mother he would pick Reon up from his next practice, so he ended up in the jimusho even though it was his day off, absently thumbing through the latest Duet as he waited.
Getting to the pages with the Ya-Ya-Yah spread, he sighed and flipped it to the next page. Best not to think about it.
“Yeah, so I was telling Chinen not to go near him, because he’s in a foul mood.”
“I think he’s just stressed.”
His body moved before his mind did- he got up from his seat, sneaked around the coolers and hid behind the vending machine as the door opened. He snuck a peek and realised it was Arioka and Inoo from HSJ.
“He’s just snapping at everyone, you know?” Arioka said, and Shoon heard the sound of coins being dropped into the vending machine. “The only person who’s immune to it is Hikaru.”
“I wonder if it’s hard on him,” Inoo said, dropping his voice to a whisper for the next comment. “I mean, they were together for a really long time.”
“Well, so were we and did anyone care?” Arioka’s voice was light- but Shoon could hear that it was because he was trying to keep it under control.
“Hikaru said Taiyo quit,” Inoo whispered. “I think Taiyo was going through a hard time. And everyone says he and Shoon used to be close and Nikaido said he thought Shoon was angry at Yabu about some…”
*splat*. Shoon winced as the magazine hit the floor; the voices stopped, and Reon picked that perfect moment to walk in, announcing, “Niisan, you here?”
Shoon walked out from behind the vending machine and nodded. “Yea, Reon you ready to go?”
He tried not to notice how tight Inoo’s grip on Arioka’s arm was as he walked past them.
“What were you doing behind the vending machine?” Reon asked, as Shoon pulled him out of the room.
* * *
Received from: YAOTOME HIKARU
Hey, Taiyo called me the other day
I really need to talk to you.
Where are you? Can we meet?
After changing out of his performance clothes, Shoon navigated through the crush of juniors backstage at NHK hall to find the HSJ dressing room. Looking around awkwardly to make sure no one was actually looking at him- he knocked on the door lightly.
It opened with a wide swing, and he found himself starring face to face with Inoo Kei.
“Oh, erm,” Inoo grinned, eyes darting furtively towards the inside of the dressing room.
“I’m just looking for Hikaru. Is he here?”
“No, not…” Inoo started.
“Kei, it’s…” a voice starts behind Inoo and the boy looked absolutely stricken as the door opened wider to reveal Yabu standing behind him.
It was at that instant that Shoon realised he had been too concerned about Taiyo and Hikaru, to think about how long it’s been since Yabu’s last phone call to him. They never used to go for three days without seeing each other and now… Has it really been two months?
“Hi, erm, Hikaru… called and I…” Shoon started.
“He isn’t here,” Yabu frowned.
Inoo twitched. Yabu looked expectantly at Shoon.
There were a hundred and one things Shoon knew he should say to Yabu- like to ask him how things were going or tease him about wearing a green shirt that clashed with his orange shoes, but all he said was, “Oh.”
“Yea.”
Shoon fidgeted uncomfortably. Guiltily. “I’ll just go… find out where he is,” he stuttered before he turned and walked down the hallway as fast as he could. When he got to the end he realised his brother was there waiting for him, and the look on his little brother’s face said it all.
“C’mon Reon,” he said, shoving his hands into his jeans pockets and starting for the dressing room he now shared with the rest of the junior boys. “Let’s go home.”
* * *
Hikaru sought Shoon out the next time they filmed Shounen Club. “So, Taiyo called me and…”
“Oh, so now you’re finally talking to each other?” Shoon grinned over the pack of biscuits he stole from Hasshi’s space. If he ate it up and got rid of the evidence fast enough, he was sure nobody would notice.
“What? Oh, no. Yea, everything’s okay. He’s running for class president, you know. Busy sucking up to all the teachers,” Hikaru grinned, stealing one of the biscuits and chewing it noisily.
Shoon grinned. With the two of them alone in a dressing room, if he closed his eyes and imagined, maybe it would be like the last three months never happened and…
“Shoon, I wanted to talk to you about Yabu…” Hikaru started, but never got to finish his sentence.
“Eh? What are you doing here? You don’t belong here!” Fujigaya demanded when he saw Hikaru as he walked in through the door. “Shoon!” he squeaked.
“Shhh,” Shoon muttered, stuffing the last biscuit into his mouth. He swallowed, “If you don’t say anything nobody would ever know.”
Fujigaya laughed and nodded. He set his bag down and greeted Hikaru as he grabbed two bottles of water from the table and tossed it at them. Shoon was in mid-swallow when the door opened and Kitayama walked in.
“Yea and I left him here just a moment ago…”
The boys froze froze when Yabu walked in through the door. Shoon swallowed audibly. Fujigaya glared accusingly at Kitayama, who shrugged helplessly but did not look any less traumatized. Shoon realised Nikaido must have told more people than just Inoo about how he felt in regards to Yabu’s and Shoon’s relationship.
“Hikaru,” Yabu’s voice was stone cold. “They’re calling for you.”
“Oh. Erm, right,” Hikaru grinned, getting up. He looked at everyone, and then turned to Shoon. “So later, the game right? It’s going to be awesome, just like old times.”
“Yeah,” Shoon smiled, reaching over to punch Hikaru’s outstretched fist.
“And we’re on the same team, right?” Kitayama blubbered, and Fujigaya glared at him again.
“Right,” Shoon nodded. He was tired of dancing in circles and since he was the older one... He walked up to Yabu. “Let’s work hard together, okay?” he asked, holding out a hand.
Yabu took it, rather begrudgingly. “I didn’t know you still cared about things like that.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Shoon frowned, and Fujigaya saw Shoon’s grip on Yabu’s hand tighten.
“It’s going to be hard isn’t it? You being on my team and having to pretend to be happy about it. I think I know how Taiyo feels now.”
Kitayama yelled the exact moment Shoon’s fist made contact with Yabu’s ear. The air in the room stilled, and none of the boys dared to breathe until Yabu reached out and aimed his fist at Shoon’s face. Shoon ducked and it hit his shoulder instead- he reached forward and grabbed the front of Yabu’s shirt and his momentum threw them both onto the ground.
There was chaos as Fujigaya reached for Shoon- Hikaru yelled at them to stop and Kitayama pulled at Yabu. When the fight continued, Fujigaya yelled at Kitayama to get Reon.
Yabu landed a kick on Shoon’s shin when Reon ran into the room, panting. Without a second thought, he threw himself on Yabu (who was on top) and let out a loud yell that made both boys stop in their tracks.
Yabu glared at Shoon, who glared at Yabu, and Reon sat down in between them. “Okay,” he said, panting lightly. “Okay, now you have to talk to each other.”
“I’ve got nothing to say to you, you…” Yabu started.
“Yabu,” Hikaru said urgently. “Yabu, just listen…”
“You don’t care, do you? You can’t even look me in the eye!” Yabu yelled. Fujigaya reached out to hold him back, just in case. He had never seen Yabu this mad before.
“You think it’s been easy for me?” Shoon hissed. “It’s not funny when people look at you, like Koyama-kun looks at you, as though they’re expecting you to fall apart any minute.”
“Of course you won’t, you didn’t look like you cared when Taiyo…”
Shoon reached out to punch Yabu again- this time Reon leaned his entire body forward so he could stop his brother from doing it. “Niisan!”
“Yabu, seriously, you’ve got it wrong…” Hikaru’s sat himself next to Reon, physically preventing the boys from throwing any more punches at each other. “Taiyo, he…”
Yabu cut in before Hikaru could finish. “Oh yeah like what I’ve got wrong is he doesn’t care.”
“I don’t care?” Shoon’s voice was dangerously low, and Reon flinched. “Are you meaning to tell me that I don’t care about not being able to debut? I don’t care that Taiyo quit? That you’re the one with a dressing room and I have to share and feel like I’m intruding in other people’s space?”
“We don’t mind, of course,” Kitayama piped up. Fujigaya kicked him in the shin.
“You didn’t even try to stop him!” Yabu insisted. “You let him go!”
“Of course I had to!” Shoon yelled. “Because I had to be the matured one! I couldn’t possibly send him off to live his life crying and asking him to stay for something I didn’t even know was going to work out! I shook his hand, wished him luck after I listened to him tell me that he wanted to be just like me. Damn it Yabu, you don’t even know half of it and I’m sick of you making me feel this guilty when it’s not my fault.”
Shoon nudged his brother off him and dusted off his jeans. Without another word, he walked out of the dressing room, leaving five boys stunned in the dressing room and marching past a couple of dumbstruck ones outside.
Hikaru sighed. “I’ve been trying to tell you, but every time it looks like I’m coming over you hide behind Takaki. Taiyo told me everything a while ago.”
Yabu scrambled up and ran after Shoon.
Shoon was in the bathroom, washing the cuts on his elbow clean when the door opened slowly and Yabu walked in. He continued washing, and when he was done, turned to see a handkerchief shoved in his face.
He sighed. Yabu looked like he did when he was twelve, when they were all awkward with each other and Yabu came to ask Shoon for help with his dance steps. He took the handkerchief and wiped his hands, and handed it back to Yabu.
“I…”
Shoon sighed. He just patted Yabu’s shoulder, right on the bruise there causing the younger boy to flinch. “Whatever you do, don’t pat my back later. I think I bruised it.”
Later during the game when Shoon and Yabu did their handshake, Fujigaya pretended to wipe a tear off his face off camera, and it was Kitayama who made the mistake of patting Shoon’s back. As Shoon winced from the pain (and later Yabu’s defeat), he could not help but think yes, this is it.
* * *
Taiyo sent Shoon a picture of Hikaru sleeping wrapped in the arms of another boy in the class when they were on their class trip in Hokkaido. Shoon replied him, congratulating him on his new appointment as class president before he forwarded the mail to Yabu.
A week later Shoon spent most of the time before the taping of Shounen Club hiding from Hikaru. Apparently after Yabu circulated that picture amongst JUMP, his band mates gave him a new nickname that was embarrassing to say the least. Their game of cat and mouse ended with a mock fight in ABC’s tiny dressing room with ABC, BEST and half of Kisumai cheering them on. Yabu stood away from it, holding out his cell phone to let Taiyo hear the mess going on.
* * *
epilogue
Hey! Say! Jump was thick in rehearsals for their winter tour when Hikaru’s birthday came around, but the members still managed to squeeze time in for a surprise birthday party. They invited anyone and everyone who could come, and so it ended with the dance studio being a huge mesh of unauthorized personnel and junior boys.
They just finished singing the birthday song and Hikaru was just about to blow the candles on his cake when the door opened and Takaki and Arioka tossed two more guests into the fray.
“Taiyo!” Hikaru squeaked in surprised. He turned to Shoon, who just smiled and shrugged.
“You made it!” Inoo called.
“Happy birthday, Hikaru,” Taiyo grinned, handing him a bag of presents.
Hikaru teared, and the rest of the boys laughed and teased him about it, before Shoon shushed them all and asked Hikaru to blow out the candles.
Hikaru made a dramatically long wish before blowing out all the candles in one breath.
As Hasshi and Senga pushed the four boys together for Inoo to take a photo of them together, Taiyo and Hikaru wrapped their arms around Shoon and Yabu’s shoulders, all of them grinning widely for the camera.
“Ready, set… Ya-Ya-Yah!”
*click*
Ya-Ya-Yah (Shoon-centric)
4516 words
Summary: When the world caved in, Shoon tried to be the mature one with mixed results.
Author’s Notes: I finished it! If you thought the story of 4 TOPS was heartbreaking, Ya-Ya-Yah’s was tragic. This is my tribute, and dedicated to my sister at shimai_fs, the great lover of juniors, particularly one Yamashita Shoon.
as usual the boys belong to themselves, etc etc etc.
過ぎた冬も 青い夏も 僕はここにいる ルルル
僕はきっと 知っているよ 幸せのかたち
君がくれたもの
-僕はここにいる / いきものがかり
Taiyo blurted it out during dinner one night after a particularly grueling rehearsal.
“I talked to my Mom about going on to University.”
Yabu looked up from his bento and grinned. “You should, because lord knows you’re smarter than Hikaru.”
“Shut up!” Hikaru managed to hiss in between bites of rice, and Shoon laughed before he grabbed a napkin from the next table and handed it to him.
“No, I mean. University,” Taiyo said. He put his chopsticks down and placed both hands on his knees. “I told my mom… I just want to go to school.”
It took a while for the boys to catch what Taiyo was trying to say. Shoon got it first, relating it to the rumours that were spreading around the jimusho recently about…
Yabu looked up. “Taiyo…”
Taiyo shrugged. They’ve known each other for so long, he was sure they understood him. At least, Yabu and Shoon must have. “It’s just a thought, really. It’s not confirmed or anything. I thought I’d just see how it goes for the next few months.”
Shoon nodded. If he remembered correctly, that was also the end of the younger boy’s current contract term. It meant a lot of things Shoon wasn’t sure he wanted to be thinking about at the moment.
Hikaru frowned. “So? You want to go back to school. You totally can do that with us. Look at Koyama-kun!” he grinned, before turning back to his bento.
Yabu shot Shoon a worried look, and Shoon just shrugged in return.
* * *
Three weeks later, Hikaru marched up to Shoon during lunch break and said, “Why didn’t you explain it to me?”
Shoon frowned, removing his earphones. “What?”
“Why didn’t you explain it to me? What Taiyo actually meant?” Hikaru demanded. “You knew he meant he was thinking of… of quitting!”
Shoon sighed and put his MP3 player aside. “I’m sure he’s just…”
“He isn’t! He’s completely serious. I know him. He doesn’t joke about shit like that,” Hikaru leaned over Shoon with such a fierce look on his face that it made the older boy shrink back. “He wants to quit.”
“We don’t know that yet,” Shoon managed to stammer. “Seriously.”
Hikaru’s only reply was to march off, leaving Shoon slightly bewildered from the outburst.
* * *
Shoon spotted Taiyo reading off his phone outside the van. He walked over and held out the bottle of green tea in his right hand. Taiyo looked up; Shoon nudged the bottle closer to him, and he took it with a grin.
“Thanks,” Taiyo nodded.
Shoon twisted the cap off his bottle and they stood for a moment in companionable silence before Taiyo spoke, “I was… just thinking about it. I didn’t think he would get this mad.”
Shoon grinned. “He’s pretty intense, huh?”
“For all the wrong reasons,” Taiyo rolled his eyes. He rolled the bottle in between his hands. “It’s just… you know. I… you know how it’s like.”
“Of course,” Shoon nodded.
“And what they’re talking about… I mean. If you look at it, I’m really not… not as good as them, or you. It’s just… I was really happy when this whole thing started, and we had lots of fun times together but now…” Taiyo trailed off, then sighed and leaned back on the van. “I feel like I’m holding everyone back.”
“You’re not,” Shoon said quickly. He wondered if he said it too quickly, but the words were already out of his mouth and there was no turning back. “Really. You’re not. You sing and dance as well as the rest of us. You’re better-looking than Hikaru!”
Taiyo grinned. “He’s still angry at me.”
“That’s how he is,” Shoon laughed, wrapping an arm around Taiyo’s shoulder. He used to be able to do it easily, but now the younger boy was so tall it was a bit of a stretch to do so. “He’ll come around. He can’t resist you for too long.”
Taiyo laughed and hunched his back a little so Shoon’s arm could wrap around his shoulders comfortably. “I guess.”
* * *
In August, Yabu and Hikaru got called in for work without Shoon or Taiyo. It’s something all the boys had gotten used to, so none of them thought it was anything out of the ordinary.
Yabu called Shoon at 2am in the morning on a Wednesday.
Shoon got out of bed and flicked on the light. “What?”
“I… I heard. You know. There are ten of us. We’re going to be performing for the volleyball championships. Like Koyama-kun. Like Tegoshi-kun and Masuda-kun.”
“Oh,” Shoon frowned. It was still a little early for his mind to be working at full speed, so it took him a moment to take in the implications of that. “Like… NEWS?”
“…. Yea. Like NEWS. I don’t even know half of them. And Morimoto’s in the group.”
“Morimoto? Ryutaro?”
“Yeah the older one. Shoon… I don’t know why we’re doing this without you two.”
Shoon sat down at his desk and somehow managed to smile. There was a sort of bitter humour in this, it made him want to laugh but he was not quite sure why.
“Maybe you think you don’t know why,” Shoon yawned, leaning against his chair. “But I think we all knew.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Yabu asked, after a long moment of silence. “We’ve been a team for six years. What’s this new group got that we haven’t?”
“A bunch of under-sixteens, that’s one thing. Ten people instead of four,” Shoon started listing. “Everyone who was in Hey! Say! 7…”
“What if this thing we’ve got going is a real deal… and it’s without you or Taiyo?” Yabu asked quietly.
Shoon scratched his head and searched his mind for a good answer, but the only one he got at that time in the morning was a long, “Well…”
Yabu sighed. “It looks like you think you can do perfectly well on your own,” he muttered. “Good night Shoon.”
He was listening to the dial tone before he knew it. He sighed; Yabu has always been harsh.
* * *
Taiyo held the month’s schedule tightly in his hand. “Wow, that’s… a lot of blanks,” he commented lightly as he turned to Shoon. “Ne?”
“Yea, kind of,” Shoon frowned at the empty spaces in the calendar. The most glaring thing that was missing from their schedules was filming for Ya-Ya-Yah.
“I heard Kamei-kun said they’ve started rehearsals,” Taiyo chuckled nervously. “Hikaru hasn’t come to school for two weeks.”
They lingered outside the management office, not quite sure what to do.
“Do you want to get coffee?” Shoon said suddenly.
Taiyo grinned. “Yea. Sure.”
They found a table at the back of the café, and Taiyo tucked the schedule carefully back into his bag before they ordered. Shoon knew he should say something first, but Taiyo beat him to it. “Shoon… what’s university like?”
Shoon grinned and started telling Taiyo about school. Classes are fun, and he’s actually made some friends who are in the same tutorial groups. He missed out on a karaoke session they had the other night, and made them promise to make it up for him. “As for studying, you know… it’s really different, from high school. Nobody forces you to the books, you’ve got to learn to do it all by yourself.”
Taiyo looked at Shoon with something akin to admiration. “Wow, I want to be just like you, Shoon.”
Shoon laughed. “What? You’re smarter than I am. You should be better than I am.”
Taiyo grinned and nodded. “Yea. Yea, I guess that’s what I’ve got to aim to be.”
“Oh? I won’t lose to you,” Shoon challenged.
* * *
Like everyone else, Shoon found out about the debut from the news. He came home from a study session to see his mother and brother sitting in front of the television.
“Onisan, did you know?” Reon asked quietly as Shoon put his book bag down and sat down next to them.
“No, not really,” Shoon replied softly, watching the special segment on the women’s volleyball team quietly. When it was done, he excused himself and walked into his room, closing the door quietly behind him.
He didn’t sleep that night.
* * *
There was an official announcement for the end of Ya-Ya-Yah, and Shoon got called into the jimusho on the same day to receive his revised schedule for the month. Glaring at it, it looked more like the company was telling him that he was no longer needed to come for work- in a very nice way.
“Eh? Not even with Taiyo?” Shoon muttered to himself as he walked down the hallway. He stopped when he bumped into someone, and looked up to see Taiyo looking at him with a miserable look on his face. “Taiyo?” he asked softly.
“Hikaru isn’t talking to me,” he muttered, holding out his phone to show Shoon how many calls he had made to Hikaru. “I’ve been calling him for days. I called Yabu and he said they’re really busy, but… Does he hate me, or something?”
“I’m sure it’s not because he hates you,” Shoon said calmly. “I’m sure they’re really busy. You know how it’s like, with new songs and new things to learn… have you seen the acrobatic displays they’ve been putting on? It’s a miracle Yabu hasn’t broken his back or something.”
His attempt at a joke fell flat, as Taiyo just turned away and chewed thoughtfully on his bottom lip.
“Taiyo?” Shoon placed a hand gently on the younger boy’s arm.
“You’re not angry at this?” Taiyo asked finally. “I know you’re older than we are but you’re not even a little angry at how it’s become?”
Shoon sighed. “Of course I’m angry, why wouldn’t I be? But it’s not like I never saw it coming, and we all have to be mature about it and move on and…”
“How can you still do this now? I mean, look at this!” Taiyo held up his schedule and pointed at the next filming of Shounen Club. “They say Hey! Say! whatever is going to be there and I don’t know… how can you still look at it and do this?”
Shoon took a deep breath. “Because this is what I want to do.”
Taiyo looked positively heartbroken, and jerked his arm out of Shoon’s grasp. “I’ve got to go; I’ll talk to you later. And call Yabu. He asked me where you had disappeared to the last time we talked.”
“Taiyo!” Shoon called helplessly as Taiyo turned to walk down the hallway, disappearing at the next corner. He sighed and looked down at his hands.
* * *
Shoon had no idea he would get so depressed without the three of them around. He spent the hours before Shounen Club starring blankly at the ceiling. Reon got worried and dragged the first people he saw- Nikaido and Fujigaya with him back into the dressing room. They sat around and tried to make conversation, but Shoon just continued starring at the ceiling.
In the end, they all gave up and left Shoon alone.
“Shoon-kun, stand by time is in five minutes,” a gentle voice broke him out of his reverie and he jumped up.
“Koyama-kun,” he stammered.
Koyama gave the junior an encouraging wave and a thumbs-up before walking out of the room. Shoon sighed and buried his face in his hands. He really was not really to deal with this. His hands were shaking as he buttoned up his costume.
“Niisan?” Reon poked his head in. “Oh good, you’re ready.”
“Yea. Yes,” Shoon nodded, and he pulled himself off the chair and followed him out the door.
As they lined up for the opening, Shoon spotted Yabu and Hikaru near the front of the crowd, laughing over something. He had not realised he’d been starring until Yabu suddenly turned around and saw him there-
Shoon turned his eyes away and pretended to be absorbed in what Nikaido was telling Senga beside him.
He really wasn’t ready for this.
* * *
Taiyo held the camera up to his face, snorting when Shoon put the stem of the rose between his lips and posed dramatically ala Don Juan Demarco. “Stop doing that!”
Shoon grinned. He took the rose out of his mouth just as the photographer announced them as ‘done’. Taiyo cheered as he handed the prop back to an assistant and went straight for the bottles of water another assistant was holding out.
“I’m quitting,” he said, as he handed Shoon his bottle of water.
Shoon looked up. Taiyo was still smiling. In fact, Shoon had never seen him look happier than he did now.
“I talked to my Mom and made up my mind about a lot of things. I thought about a lot of things,” he said, as they walked back to the dressing room to change out of their wardrobe. “I realised I want to go to law school, like you. All I want to be a normal kid, and like, have a girlfriend… and do all the things I never got to do when I was working. Heck, I might even run for class president!”
They stopped just outside the door, and Shoon had not realised he was clenching the water bottle really tightly until Taiyo used his own bottle to nudge his hand.
“So… have you told Hikaru?” Shoon asked after finally finding his voice.
“I’m going to tell him after this. I figured telling you first would give me a lot of courage… to tell him,” Taiyo grinned.
Shoon somehow found it in himself to smile back. “Well, I respect your decision,” he nodded, and held out his hand. “Good luck for everything, Taiyo.”
Taiyo ignored his hand and reached out to hug him, and Shoon found himself hugging him back longer than necessary, eyes closed from the realization that this was it.
* * *
Shoon told his mother he would pick Reon up from his next practice, so he ended up in the jimusho even though it was his day off, absently thumbing through the latest Duet as he waited.
Getting to the pages with the Ya-Ya-Yah spread, he sighed and flipped it to the next page. Best not to think about it.
“Yeah, so I was telling Chinen not to go near him, because he’s in a foul mood.”
“I think he’s just stressed.”
His body moved before his mind did- he got up from his seat, sneaked around the coolers and hid behind the vending machine as the door opened. He snuck a peek and realised it was Arioka and Inoo from HSJ.
“He’s just snapping at everyone, you know?” Arioka said, and Shoon heard the sound of coins being dropped into the vending machine. “The only person who’s immune to it is Hikaru.”
“I wonder if it’s hard on him,” Inoo said, dropping his voice to a whisper for the next comment. “I mean, they were together for a really long time.”
“Well, so were we and did anyone care?” Arioka’s voice was light- but Shoon could hear that it was because he was trying to keep it under control.
“Hikaru said Taiyo quit,” Inoo whispered. “I think Taiyo was going through a hard time. And everyone says he and Shoon used to be close and Nikaido said he thought Shoon was angry at Yabu about some…”
*splat*. Shoon winced as the magazine hit the floor; the voices stopped, and Reon picked that perfect moment to walk in, announcing, “Niisan, you here?”
Shoon walked out from behind the vending machine and nodded. “Yea, Reon you ready to go?”
He tried not to notice how tight Inoo’s grip on Arioka’s arm was as he walked past them.
“What were you doing behind the vending machine?” Reon asked, as Shoon pulled him out of the room.
* * *
Received from: YAOTOME HIKARU
Hey, Taiyo called me the other day
I really need to talk to you.
Where are you? Can we meet?
After changing out of his performance clothes, Shoon navigated through the crush of juniors backstage at NHK hall to find the HSJ dressing room. Looking around awkwardly to make sure no one was actually looking at him- he knocked on the door lightly.
It opened with a wide swing, and he found himself starring face to face with Inoo Kei.
“Oh, erm,” Inoo grinned, eyes darting furtively towards the inside of the dressing room.
“I’m just looking for Hikaru. Is he here?”
“No, not…” Inoo started.
“Kei, it’s…” a voice starts behind Inoo and the boy looked absolutely stricken as the door opened wider to reveal Yabu standing behind him.
It was at that instant that Shoon realised he had been too concerned about Taiyo and Hikaru, to think about how long it’s been since Yabu’s last phone call to him. They never used to go for three days without seeing each other and now… Has it really been two months?
“Hi, erm, Hikaru… called and I…” Shoon started.
“He isn’t here,” Yabu frowned.
Inoo twitched. Yabu looked expectantly at Shoon.
There were a hundred and one things Shoon knew he should say to Yabu- like to ask him how things were going or tease him about wearing a green shirt that clashed with his orange shoes, but all he said was, “Oh.”
“Yea.”
Shoon fidgeted uncomfortably. Guiltily. “I’ll just go… find out where he is,” he stuttered before he turned and walked down the hallway as fast as he could. When he got to the end he realised his brother was there waiting for him, and the look on his little brother’s face said it all.
“C’mon Reon,” he said, shoving his hands into his jeans pockets and starting for the dressing room he now shared with the rest of the junior boys. “Let’s go home.”
* * *
Hikaru sought Shoon out the next time they filmed Shounen Club. “So, Taiyo called me and…”
“Oh, so now you’re finally talking to each other?” Shoon grinned over the pack of biscuits he stole from Hasshi’s space. If he ate it up and got rid of the evidence fast enough, he was sure nobody would notice.
“What? Oh, no. Yea, everything’s okay. He’s running for class president, you know. Busy sucking up to all the teachers,” Hikaru grinned, stealing one of the biscuits and chewing it noisily.
Shoon grinned. With the two of them alone in a dressing room, if he closed his eyes and imagined, maybe it would be like the last three months never happened and…
“Shoon, I wanted to talk to you about Yabu…” Hikaru started, but never got to finish his sentence.
“Eh? What are you doing here? You don’t belong here!” Fujigaya demanded when he saw Hikaru as he walked in through the door. “Shoon!” he squeaked.
“Shhh,” Shoon muttered, stuffing the last biscuit into his mouth. He swallowed, “If you don’t say anything nobody would ever know.”
Fujigaya laughed and nodded. He set his bag down and greeted Hikaru as he grabbed two bottles of water from the table and tossed it at them. Shoon was in mid-swallow when the door opened and Kitayama walked in.
“Yea and I left him here just a moment ago…”
The boys froze froze when Yabu walked in through the door. Shoon swallowed audibly. Fujigaya glared accusingly at Kitayama, who shrugged helplessly but did not look any less traumatized. Shoon realised Nikaido must have told more people than just Inoo about how he felt in regards to Yabu’s and Shoon’s relationship.
“Hikaru,” Yabu’s voice was stone cold. “They’re calling for you.”
“Oh. Erm, right,” Hikaru grinned, getting up. He looked at everyone, and then turned to Shoon. “So later, the game right? It’s going to be awesome, just like old times.”
“Yeah,” Shoon smiled, reaching over to punch Hikaru’s outstretched fist.
“And we’re on the same team, right?” Kitayama blubbered, and Fujigaya glared at him again.
“Right,” Shoon nodded. He was tired of dancing in circles and since he was the older one... He walked up to Yabu. “Let’s work hard together, okay?” he asked, holding out a hand.
Yabu took it, rather begrudgingly. “I didn’t know you still cared about things like that.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Shoon frowned, and Fujigaya saw Shoon’s grip on Yabu’s hand tighten.
“It’s going to be hard isn’t it? You being on my team and having to pretend to be happy about it. I think I know how Taiyo feels now.”
Kitayama yelled the exact moment Shoon’s fist made contact with Yabu’s ear. The air in the room stilled, and none of the boys dared to breathe until Yabu reached out and aimed his fist at Shoon’s face. Shoon ducked and it hit his shoulder instead- he reached forward and grabbed the front of Yabu’s shirt and his momentum threw them both onto the ground.
There was chaos as Fujigaya reached for Shoon- Hikaru yelled at them to stop and Kitayama pulled at Yabu. When the fight continued, Fujigaya yelled at Kitayama to get Reon.
Yabu landed a kick on Shoon’s shin when Reon ran into the room, panting. Without a second thought, he threw himself on Yabu (who was on top) and let out a loud yell that made both boys stop in their tracks.
Yabu glared at Shoon, who glared at Yabu, and Reon sat down in between them. “Okay,” he said, panting lightly. “Okay, now you have to talk to each other.”
“I’ve got nothing to say to you, you…” Yabu started.
“Yabu,” Hikaru said urgently. “Yabu, just listen…”
“You don’t care, do you? You can’t even look me in the eye!” Yabu yelled. Fujigaya reached out to hold him back, just in case. He had never seen Yabu this mad before.
“You think it’s been easy for me?” Shoon hissed. “It’s not funny when people look at you, like Koyama-kun looks at you, as though they’re expecting you to fall apart any minute.”
“Of course you won’t, you didn’t look like you cared when Taiyo…”
Shoon reached out to punch Yabu again- this time Reon leaned his entire body forward so he could stop his brother from doing it. “Niisan!”
“Yabu, seriously, you’ve got it wrong…” Hikaru’s sat himself next to Reon, physically preventing the boys from throwing any more punches at each other. “Taiyo, he…”
Yabu cut in before Hikaru could finish. “Oh yeah like what I’ve got wrong is he doesn’t care.”
“I don’t care?” Shoon’s voice was dangerously low, and Reon flinched. “Are you meaning to tell me that I don’t care about not being able to debut? I don’t care that Taiyo quit? That you’re the one with a dressing room and I have to share and feel like I’m intruding in other people’s space?”
“We don’t mind, of course,” Kitayama piped up. Fujigaya kicked him in the shin.
“You didn’t even try to stop him!” Yabu insisted. “You let him go!”
“Of course I had to!” Shoon yelled. “Because I had to be the matured one! I couldn’t possibly send him off to live his life crying and asking him to stay for something I didn’t even know was going to work out! I shook his hand, wished him luck after I listened to him tell me that he wanted to be just like me. Damn it Yabu, you don’t even know half of it and I’m sick of you making me feel this guilty when it’s not my fault.”
Shoon nudged his brother off him and dusted off his jeans. Without another word, he walked out of the dressing room, leaving five boys stunned in the dressing room and marching past a couple of dumbstruck ones outside.
Hikaru sighed. “I’ve been trying to tell you, but every time it looks like I’m coming over you hide behind Takaki. Taiyo told me everything a while ago.”
Yabu scrambled up and ran after Shoon.
Shoon was in the bathroom, washing the cuts on his elbow clean when the door opened slowly and Yabu walked in. He continued washing, and when he was done, turned to see a handkerchief shoved in his face.
He sighed. Yabu looked like he did when he was twelve, when they were all awkward with each other and Yabu came to ask Shoon for help with his dance steps. He took the handkerchief and wiped his hands, and handed it back to Yabu.
“I…”
Shoon sighed. He just patted Yabu’s shoulder, right on the bruise there causing the younger boy to flinch. “Whatever you do, don’t pat my back later. I think I bruised it.”
Later during the game when Shoon and Yabu did their handshake, Fujigaya pretended to wipe a tear off his face off camera, and it was Kitayama who made the mistake of patting Shoon’s back. As Shoon winced from the pain (and later Yabu’s defeat), he could not help but think yes, this is it.
* * *
Taiyo sent Shoon a picture of Hikaru sleeping wrapped in the arms of another boy in the class when they were on their class trip in Hokkaido. Shoon replied him, congratulating him on his new appointment as class president before he forwarded the mail to Yabu.
A week later Shoon spent most of the time before the taping of Shounen Club hiding from Hikaru. Apparently after Yabu circulated that picture amongst JUMP, his band mates gave him a new nickname that was embarrassing to say the least. Their game of cat and mouse ended with a mock fight in ABC’s tiny dressing room with ABC, BEST and half of Kisumai cheering them on. Yabu stood away from it, holding out his cell phone to let Taiyo hear the mess going on.
* * *
epilogue
Hey! Say! Jump was thick in rehearsals for their winter tour when Hikaru’s birthday came around, but the members still managed to squeeze time in for a surprise birthday party. They invited anyone and everyone who could come, and so it ended with the dance studio being a huge mesh of unauthorized personnel and junior boys.
They just finished singing the birthday song and Hikaru was just about to blow the candles on his cake when the door opened and Takaki and Arioka tossed two more guests into the fray.
“Taiyo!” Hikaru squeaked in surprised. He turned to Shoon, who just smiled and shrugged.
“You made it!” Inoo called.
“Happy birthday, Hikaru,” Taiyo grinned, handing him a bag of presents.
Hikaru teared, and the rest of the boys laughed and teased him about it, before Shoon shushed them all and asked Hikaru to blow out the candles.
Hikaru made a dramatically long wish before blowing out all the candles in one breath.
As Hasshi and Senga pushed the four boys together for Inoo to take a photo of them together, Taiyo and Hikaru wrapped their arms around Shoon and Yabu’s shoulders, all of them grinning widely for the camera.
“Ready, set… Ya-Ya-Yah!”
*click*