I can't see anything right now
*Sigh* As of seven days ago I decided to not write anything negative here and only write positive things... and we all see how much I've written this past week. Ugh. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in some downward spiral where I feel nothing but emptiness and regret, and nor am I unhappy with the way my life has been moving along this past week. On the contrary, I have made progress. I don't really know what that means, and I don't know what means of measurement I am able to employ in order to assign my progress in a countable form of units. All I can attest to is the fact that I feel like I am improving. Yesterday and today are low days, but I'm dealing with them the best way that I can and am trying very hard not to dwell on why I feel so bad and depressed. I am doing things that will hopefully improve my situation. I am attempting to make myself happy. I don't know what will bring said happiness, but I hope to find it soon. Either way, I wanted to address my lows from the past week, stick a pin in them and set it to the side and move on.
I'll start with the days after the funeral. The old theater group got together to pay our respects to Mr. Redman. It was very uncomfortable. I couldn't really put my finger on it, but I knew there was a reason why I didn't talk to any of them anymore. 30 minutes into the funeral and I'm reminded. DRAMA! Dear lord. We are here to pay our respects and not to be big fat bitches. Holy crap, those two look like those big balls that you do pilates(sp) on. They seriously doubled their weight in two years. It's sickening. Anyways, that's not the point. Ugh, the point is, I hate them, and I completely forgot how much I hated them. Sure, I love katie and jacki, but amber and shannon. Whatever, I just don't what to see them ever again. That's simple enough. After I left the funeral, I kinda just wanted everything to go away. I paid my respects, now it's time to move on. But for some reason people kept asking me questions about it and sending me messages and posting messages but what really got to me was the fact that the messages they were posting were pure specualation. They were just pissing on his memory making him out to be something he wasn't. I hate rumors, and I hate lies. HE LOST HIS JOB BECAUSE OF WHAT SOME KIDS IN HIS CLASS DID ON THEIR RADIO STATION AND MR. REDMAN WASN'T ABLE TO CENSOR IT. THAT'S IT. NO RAPE, NO HITTING A KID, NONE OF THAT. Ugh. Pin in and pushed aside.
I love needles. I would much rather have a needle and get it over with than have to keep up with taking pills and the such. What I don't like is getting three shots at once that when combined make me feel so freaking crazy and then make me sick and delerious for days to come. I don't like being sick, never have never will. My arms finally don't hurt, but I still feel sick from all the shots. Pin in and pushed aside.
The bug bites on my feet are still there and the skin around the bites are falling off...WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? It's something that I'll get checked out later. Pin in and aside.
Outside of the above mentioned sickness, my body aches. I still get real cold and tingley, my arms are constantly going numb and I'm more nausious than I've ever been before. It went away, or at least I thought it did, but now it's back. I'm going to the doctor soon and I'm going to address all my health problems. Pin in and aside.
Everytime I go to my mom's house, I get bitten by a mosquito, at least twice. It sucks. I hate that things seem to be going ok with my family, probably because I don't see them but once a week, and I go over there and I still find a reason why I don't want to be there. It sucks. My grandfather and I went and voted today. That's for later. Pin in and aside.
There, that's most of my baggage. Unfortunately this post didn't turn out the way I wanted or intended it to. I will be back to do my progress report.
I'll start with the days after the funeral. The old theater group got together to pay our respects to Mr. Redman. It was very uncomfortable. I couldn't really put my finger on it, but I knew there was a reason why I didn't talk to any of them anymore. 30 minutes into the funeral and I'm reminded. DRAMA! Dear lord. We are here to pay our respects and not to be big fat bitches. Holy crap, those two look like those big balls that you do pilates(sp) on. They seriously doubled their weight in two years. It's sickening. Anyways, that's not the point. Ugh, the point is, I hate them, and I completely forgot how much I hated them. Sure, I love katie and jacki, but amber and shannon. Whatever, I just don't what to see them ever again. That's simple enough. After I left the funeral, I kinda just wanted everything to go away. I paid my respects, now it's time to move on. But for some reason people kept asking me questions about it and sending me messages and posting messages but what really got to me was the fact that the messages they were posting were pure specualation. They were just pissing on his memory making him out to be something he wasn't. I hate rumors, and I hate lies. HE LOST HIS JOB BECAUSE OF WHAT SOME KIDS IN HIS CLASS DID ON THEIR RADIO STATION AND MR. REDMAN WASN'T ABLE TO CENSOR IT. THAT'S IT. NO RAPE, NO HITTING A KID, NONE OF THAT. Ugh. Pin in and pushed aside.
I love needles. I would much rather have a needle and get it over with than have to keep up with taking pills and the such. What I don't like is getting three shots at once that when combined make me feel so freaking crazy and then make me sick and delerious for days to come. I don't like being sick, never have never will. My arms finally don't hurt, but I still feel sick from all the shots. Pin in and pushed aside.
The bug bites on my feet are still there and the skin around the bites are falling off...WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? It's something that I'll get checked out later. Pin in and aside.
Outside of the above mentioned sickness, my body aches. I still get real cold and tingley, my arms are constantly going numb and I'm more nausious than I've ever been before. It went away, or at least I thought it did, but now it's back. I'm going to the doctor soon and I'm going to address all my health problems. Pin in and aside.
Everytime I go to my mom's house, I get bitten by a mosquito, at least twice. It sucks. I hate that things seem to be going ok with my family, probably because I don't see them but once a week, and I go over there and I still find a reason why I don't want to be there. It sucks. My grandfather and I went and voted today. That's for later. Pin in and aside.
There, that's most of my baggage. Unfortunately this post didn't turn out the way I wanted or intended it to. I will be back to do my progress report.