Still alive.
Yeah, I know. It's been two and a half months. I was going to write the first weekend I got home, but everything I used to do seemed so silly at the time.
I was restless, I didn't know what to do. I got used to a strict schedule, and all my hobbies seemed pointless. Then it got worse, and I didn't want to do anything anymore, just because. I didn't like anything anymore. When basic training was done and I came back home, it got better, but I was still worried, because in basic training I found out how bad things can be for me. I wanted to know what's wrong with me. I saw a psychiatrist, he told me to go do some yoga. Then I got a permanent position, and it got worse again. My mom's been feeding me some placebo (mmm, powdered sugar!) , and I still haven't seen an army shrink. I have an appointment in a month. The army sucks. I think I'm adjusting. Wednesday was a good day. Thursday was lousy in itself, but I was okay. I suppose I'm better. Last Thursday I cried till I nearly choked. I'm not making the mistake of believing I'm alright again. Alright is after months of calm high-school life, not a few decent days.
Right now, I work in an office and live at home. It takes a bit too long to get there, and I do 8 till 5:30, except when it's my turn to open or close the office. My commanders are prosecutors. In other words, they are educated people, and not typical army folk. That's good. The rest of the girls are ignorant. I don't like them much, for different reasons. Might be my mood too, I suppose, but having someone from my world amongst them would be nice. One of the officers is all antisocial and dorky in a way that makes me feel very at home, though. I just got a desk and a very old computer, and it's in the only proper room we have. The rest are in more open spaces. I already left my German dictionary there, and my arabic textbook, and some stickers. It's nice to finally have my own corner.
I'm trying my best to have a life outside the army, since I find it so depressing. There's a million plays and movies I want to see, and I hang around Tel Aviv afterwards sometimes. It does me good, because there are always some flyers and posters about, so I know about the cool stuff that's happening. I've also gotten into alternative fashion, but that was even before I got drafted. It's just that wearing uniform makes you want to dress up more in your free time. It started with a barrette craze, brought on by some girls I used to know, evolved into an immitation of the colourful style of the star of an Argentinian children's soap that's airing here, and then I raided the LJ fruits community for photos, and I just exploded. I haven't worn so much colour since I was little, but I'm still all about accessories. I have a huge collection of barrettes now, and I got lots of new earrings lately, and yesterday I got ribbons and lace and cute buttons for a whole lot of money, and made some really cute barrettes, two so far and an elastic for my niece.
I just signed up for the NME site. I like it. On an unrelated note, I also like Rufus Wainwright a lot. I'm pretty sure there are some fans reading this, so I figured I'd mention it.
Also, there was round #25,426 with my ex. Didn't work out, because I'm frigid, or he's a really bad kisser, or he's insesitive, or I'm scarred from the previous rounds, or I shouldn't date when I'm all messed up.
I don't remember what my journal used to be. I don't think it was this. I'm feeling awefully israblog right now. But I don't care, it's this now. I want to participate in LJ stuff again. Funny I never really did that much. The most I did was QP, and that's a no go now that the time slot's in the middle of the night. I actually keep wanting to set the alarm, but the thought of about five non-consecutive hours of sleep doesn't sound very appealing.
Speaking of sleep, I'm getting tired and I have to get up early tomorrow, so I guess I'll shut it now.
I was restless, I didn't know what to do. I got used to a strict schedule, and all my hobbies seemed pointless. Then it got worse, and I didn't want to do anything anymore, just because. I didn't like anything anymore. When basic training was done and I came back home, it got better, but I was still worried, because in basic training I found out how bad things can be for me. I wanted to know what's wrong with me. I saw a psychiatrist, he told me to go do some yoga. Then I got a permanent position, and it got worse again. My mom's been feeding me some placebo (mmm, powdered sugar!) , and I still haven't seen an army shrink. I have an appointment in a month. The army sucks. I think I'm adjusting. Wednesday was a good day. Thursday was lousy in itself, but I was okay. I suppose I'm better. Last Thursday I cried till I nearly choked. I'm not making the mistake of believing I'm alright again. Alright is after months of calm high-school life, not a few decent days.
Right now, I work in an office and live at home. It takes a bit too long to get there, and I do 8 till 5:30, except when it's my turn to open or close the office. My commanders are prosecutors. In other words, they are educated people, and not typical army folk. That's good. The rest of the girls are ignorant. I don't like them much, for different reasons. Might be my mood too, I suppose, but having someone from my world amongst them would be nice. One of the officers is all antisocial and dorky in a way that makes me feel very at home, though. I just got a desk and a very old computer, and it's in the only proper room we have. The rest are in more open spaces. I already left my German dictionary there, and my arabic textbook, and some stickers. It's nice to finally have my own corner.
I'm trying my best to have a life outside the army, since I find it so depressing. There's a million plays and movies I want to see, and I hang around Tel Aviv afterwards sometimes. It does me good, because there are always some flyers and posters about, so I know about the cool stuff that's happening. I've also gotten into alternative fashion, but that was even before I got drafted. It's just that wearing uniform makes you want to dress up more in your free time. It started with a barrette craze, brought on by some girls I used to know, evolved into an immitation of the colourful style of the star of an Argentinian children's soap that's airing here, and then I raided the LJ fruits community for photos, and I just exploded. I haven't worn so much colour since I was little, but I'm still all about accessories. I have a huge collection of barrettes now, and I got lots of new earrings lately, and yesterday I got ribbons and lace and cute buttons for a whole lot of money, and made some really cute barrettes, two so far and an elastic for my niece.
I just signed up for the NME site. I like it. On an unrelated note, I also like Rufus Wainwright a lot. I'm pretty sure there are some fans reading this, so I figured I'd mention it.
Also, there was round #25,426 with my ex. Didn't work out, because I'm frigid, or he's a really bad kisser, or he's insesitive, or I'm scarred from the previous rounds, or I shouldn't date when I'm all messed up.
I don't remember what my journal used to be. I don't think it was this. I'm feeling awefully israblog right now. But I don't care, it's this now. I want to participate in LJ stuff again. Funny I never really did that much. The most I did was QP, and that's a no go now that the time slot's in the middle of the night. I actually keep wanting to set the alarm, but the thought of about five non-consecutive hours of sleep doesn't sound very appealing.
Speaking of sleep, I'm getting tired and I have to get up early tomorrow, so I guess I'll shut it now.