(no subject)
It's been a while.
I appear to have wedged myself into that non-space between my insides and my outsides, yet again. Because outside everything is happy. I mean, it's all going well enough, and i have the most amazing friends, the most wonderful choices to make, and a future that's all shiny and bright.
Yet, my insides are still all scrambled. I'm still sad, and lost, and confused. Even though i know it's totally without logic or reason, it's still there. There's a force inside me that drives me towards big, big emotions and big acts of desperation, love and sorrow. I know life is not that. It is smaller and simpler than my chemical imbalance wants it to be.
So i've nestled myself into this space between being happy with no soul and sad with no life. No one can sustain me if i act only on what my brain says, and i can't sustain myself on only what i experience.
In short, i can't ignore it but i can't let it control me.
There is still a boy. And it's good because he seems completely disinterested in pushing me, but that scares me because, well... who in the past hasn't?
I'm afraid of letting him in, and it would be easier if he pushed cause then i'd know where i stood... but i'm still damaged, still not quite human.
It's entirely possible that we will be just friends until, well, as long as that lasts... and i've got to be okay with that.
I AM okay with that.
I appear to have wedged myself into that non-space between my insides and my outsides, yet again. Because outside everything is happy. I mean, it's all going well enough, and i have the most amazing friends, the most wonderful choices to make, and a future that's all shiny and bright.
Yet, my insides are still all scrambled. I'm still sad, and lost, and confused. Even though i know it's totally without logic or reason, it's still there. There's a force inside me that drives me towards big, big emotions and big acts of desperation, love and sorrow. I know life is not that. It is smaller and simpler than my chemical imbalance wants it to be.
So i've nestled myself into this space between being happy with no soul and sad with no life. No one can sustain me if i act only on what my brain says, and i can't sustain myself on only what i experience.
In short, i can't ignore it but i can't let it control me.
There is still a boy. And it's good because he seems completely disinterested in pushing me, but that scares me because, well... who in the past hasn't?
I'm afraid of letting him in, and it would be easier if he pushed cause then i'd know where i stood... but i'm still damaged, still not quite human.
It's entirely possible that we will be just friends until, well, as long as that lasts... and i've got to be okay with that.
I AM okay with that.