Forget Forgotten
My brain is full of bugs.
I feel like i am operating on three different levels at all times, but am completely unable to switch back and forth between them without horrible, grating noises in my noggin.
On one hand, i'm working with mass amounts of empathy, compassion and caring for thoes around me. I've got a terrifyingly good memory for people and their stories, and i like to know everything about everyone. It's like i'm always putting together puzzels of people, figuring out their shapes and how they work.
And yet, I'm also feeling mean, and unsympathetic. I think it's a byproduct of working in the service industry, but i'm getting more and more annoyed by simple human stupidity. I feel bristly and uncooperative, and i want to smash things and hurt myself and be angry.
But i'm still meek, and frightened, and desperate to be loved. To cuddle and be taken care of, to not have to worry or be alone.
Stupid personalities. I just /cant/ make them reconcile. Because i don't know how i can be someone who cares and understands but is easily annoyed and put off by people who are stupid, but above all doesn't want to /have/ to care and wants someone to take care of her...
These things don't /go/. But each side has something nourishing it, causing it to try and dominate.
There is no flow between the elements.
I want to be me. I don't know who that is.
I feel like i am operating on three different levels at all times, but am completely unable to switch back and forth between them without horrible, grating noises in my noggin.
On one hand, i'm working with mass amounts of empathy, compassion and caring for thoes around me. I've got a terrifyingly good memory for people and their stories, and i like to know everything about everyone. It's like i'm always putting together puzzels of people, figuring out their shapes and how they work.
And yet, I'm also feeling mean, and unsympathetic. I think it's a byproduct of working in the service industry, but i'm getting more and more annoyed by simple human stupidity. I feel bristly and uncooperative, and i want to smash things and hurt myself and be angry.
But i'm still meek, and frightened, and desperate to be loved. To cuddle and be taken care of, to not have to worry or be alone.
Stupid personalities. I just /cant/ make them reconcile. Because i don't know how i can be someone who cares and understands but is easily annoyed and put off by people who are stupid, but above all doesn't want to /have/ to care and wants someone to take care of her...
These things don't /go/. But each side has something nourishing it, causing it to try and dominate.
There is no flow between the elements.
I want to be me. I don't know who that is.