(no subject)
I can't save the world.
I can't save a person from the world.
And it's primarily because what people tell me they want is not, in fact, what they need. I try, and i bang my head against walls over the fact that i am trapped in a world i cannot affect in any way. Like everything has become solid, unyeilding and cruel. I push and pull and twist, but everything just sits and stares and stagnates.
It frightens me. Knowing that getting what you want fixes nothing, as humans are completely lacking in self-awareness the majority of the time. This means that it is entirely possible all the things i want; moving into a new place, going to school, getting a job, is all likely just to make things worse. Then again, it also means that what i'm doing; living beyond my means, working a dead-end job, supporting my loving and wonderful best friend with what i can, could all be making me this way as well.
I've never given myself the option to not. That's where i'm at. Why did i spend the past three years in post secondary; Well, i had to. Why do i work at a gas station, never call in sick, volunteer for shifts at 6AM even though i despise mornings more than most other things; because i have to. I have to do everything i can to make everyone happy, i have to sacrifice and cry and tear myself up over it because if i'm not doing that it means it's being too easy. If it's not incredibly difficult to wake up and keep going every day, that means it could get worse. And as we all know, i don't do well with worse.
My mom is making me move out. Not anytime soon, but i contemplated ignoring it, and i contemplated acting on it now as opposed to three/six/nine months from now, when my options shrink and become less option-y.
And despite the constant looking for houses, comparing schools, beating myself up and over all these obstacles, i still don't feel like i'm fighting hard enough.
I still don't feel like i'm working through enough hurt and unpleasentness to make anything moderatly good be, well, good.+-
I can't save a person from the world.
And it's primarily because what people tell me they want is not, in fact, what they need. I try, and i bang my head against walls over the fact that i am trapped in a world i cannot affect in any way. Like everything has become solid, unyeilding and cruel. I push and pull and twist, but everything just sits and stares and stagnates.
It frightens me. Knowing that getting what you want fixes nothing, as humans are completely lacking in self-awareness the majority of the time. This means that it is entirely possible all the things i want; moving into a new place, going to school, getting a job, is all likely just to make things worse. Then again, it also means that what i'm doing; living beyond my means, working a dead-end job, supporting my loving and wonderful best friend with what i can, could all be making me this way as well.
I've never given myself the option to not. That's where i'm at. Why did i spend the past three years in post secondary; Well, i had to. Why do i work at a gas station, never call in sick, volunteer for shifts at 6AM even though i despise mornings more than most other things; because i have to. I have to do everything i can to make everyone happy, i have to sacrifice and cry and tear myself up over it because if i'm not doing that it means it's being too easy. If it's not incredibly difficult to wake up and keep going every day, that means it could get worse. And as we all know, i don't do well with worse.
My mom is making me move out. Not anytime soon, but i contemplated ignoring it, and i contemplated acting on it now as opposed to three/six/nine months from now, when my options shrink and become less option-y.
And despite the constant looking for houses, comparing schools, beating myself up and over all these obstacles, i still don't feel like i'm fighting hard enough.
I still don't feel like i'm working through enough hurt and unpleasentness to make anything moderatly good be, well, good.+-