(no subject)
i think i'm finally getting to a place where i can let go of questions and searching, and instead merely accept reality at face value and aim to find happiness in the every day.
i hate most everything about the world today, but i suppose this is about as effective and meaningful as a goldfish hating its bowl.
my reality is what it is. to complain and pine for something else is a waste of my time and life.
the truth is, i gave up all of my hopes and dreams when i allowed my soft heart and desire to hurt no one overpower my desire to live happily and freely. i can see that now, though i'd never admit it to her. i think putting the absolute truth into words is the only way i can work this out, so here goes:
my entire life, i've been a self-reliant thinker. i never wanted a typical american life. working to pay bills and fit the mold of the american citizen that the government has cast so strictly for us - that was always my idea of hell. marriage? ridiculous. i'm not half a person - i'll never have or want an "other half." i've always been disgusted by the people who can't be happy unless they're in a relationship, even if it's a bad one. if you really need validation in the form of affection that badly, it's pathetic - where is your self-respect, your personal worth, your individual strength? not to say that relationships are bad - it's the dependence and weakness that i despise.
so what did i do? i got married and settled down, after being with her for 9 years. i tried to break it off multiple times over the years. her tears broke my conviction every time. her abandonment issues, her physical frailty, her beautiful and loving but pathetically weak and dependent heart - everything about her made me want to protect her, despite the fact that it was crushing my own heart and way of life. is that love? i don't even know, honestly. but it was and still is real, that desire to shield and protect and support, mingled with resentment and pity.
so when she told me that she was getting old, that she wanted to get married, that so-and-so got married, that so-and-so got engaged, and wedding magazines started appearing in her room, my first reaction was to panic, and push away. i made it clear that i had no desire or intentions to get married. yet she pushed me. the hints and jabs and insinuations never stopped. she clearly cared more about getting married than she cared about my feelings on the matter. you think that selfishness would have steeled me to make a stand and resist, right? of course not.
so we got married. and on every level except in my head, it's great. her family loves me, mine loves her, the families get along with each other well, our circles of friends mesh together decently, we live together very comfortably - all told, we've set up a pretty decent little american life.
and i fucking hate it. i hate it. and i'm the only one who even has a clue. but what the fuck can i do about it now? divorce? crush her heart beyond repair and force her to move back in with her tweaker-ass mother and senile grandmother, turning her entire family against me forever and also breaking the hearts of my two new little sisters? yeah right.
so it's time to be a man. it's time to sleep in the bed i've made, and find a way to enjoy it. as i said, i'm not going to undo it now. i'm going to stop questioning and face what i've got myself into. i'm going to take the lemons i picked myself and make some goddamn lemonade. i'm going to find happiness in the love that so many express for me, in our little house, in the day to day. it's the only way i'm going to learn to enjoy my life. it's my only real choice.
i hate most everything about the world today, but i suppose this is about as effective and meaningful as a goldfish hating its bowl.
my reality is what it is. to complain and pine for something else is a waste of my time and life.
the truth is, i gave up all of my hopes and dreams when i allowed my soft heart and desire to hurt no one overpower my desire to live happily and freely. i can see that now, though i'd never admit it to her. i think putting the absolute truth into words is the only way i can work this out, so here goes:
my entire life, i've been a self-reliant thinker. i never wanted a typical american life. working to pay bills and fit the mold of the american citizen that the government has cast so strictly for us - that was always my idea of hell. marriage? ridiculous. i'm not half a person - i'll never have or want an "other half." i've always been disgusted by the people who can't be happy unless they're in a relationship, even if it's a bad one. if you really need validation in the form of affection that badly, it's pathetic - where is your self-respect, your personal worth, your individual strength? not to say that relationships are bad - it's the dependence and weakness that i despise.
so what did i do? i got married and settled down, after being with her for 9 years. i tried to break it off multiple times over the years. her tears broke my conviction every time. her abandonment issues, her physical frailty, her beautiful and loving but pathetically weak and dependent heart - everything about her made me want to protect her, despite the fact that it was crushing my own heart and way of life. is that love? i don't even know, honestly. but it was and still is real, that desire to shield and protect and support, mingled with resentment and pity.
so when she told me that she was getting old, that she wanted to get married, that so-and-so got married, that so-and-so got engaged, and wedding magazines started appearing in her room, my first reaction was to panic, and push away. i made it clear that i had no desire or intentions to get married. yet she pushed me. the hints and jabs and insinuations never stopped. she clearly cared more about getting married than she cared about my feelings on the matter. you think that selfishness would have steeled me to make a stand and resist, right? of course not.
so we got married. and on every level except in my head, it's great. her family loves me, mine loves her, the families get along with each other well, our circles of friends mesh together decently, we live together very comfortably - all told, we've set up a pretty decent little american life.
and i fucking hate it. i hate it. and i'm the only one who even has a clue. but what the fuck can i do about it now? divorce? crush her heart beyond repair and force her to move back in with her tweaker-ass mother and senile grandmother, turning her entire family against me forever and also breaking the hearts of my two new little sisters? yeah right.
so it's time to be a man. it's time to sleep in the bed i've made, and find a way to enjoy it. as i said, i'm not going to undo it now. i'm going to stop questioning and face what i've got myself into. i'm going to take the lemons i picked myself and make some goddamn lemonade. i'm going to find happiness in the love that so many express for me, in our little house, in the day to day. it's the only way i'm going to learn to enjoy my life. it's my only real choice.